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Hi Heidi,
So things have taken a different turn. About a month ago, he was seriously injured in an accident, when I was with him. So yet another thing for him to overcome. He’s not taking it well, and I fear he may be headed into depression. He has a history of that. So I never really got to talk to him, and i don’t want to pressure him at this point. I am trying to be supportive but it seems like I’m being pushed away. At this point I was just going to wait. Would it be selfish of me to have this ‘talk’ with him while he is suffering?
Thanks,
KHi Heidi,
What I want, in general, is love and companionship. It may be a bit early to ask to be priority in his life, but I also want that. I know that we’re still getting to know each other. And who knows what we’ll feel in the future.
My concern, since he has defined this as a no-strings relationship, (and I suppose I’ve somehow sort of agreed) is that he has no interest in anything more.
I was going to say something along the lines of ‘I can’t separate my feelings from the sex, and although I’m fine with taking things slow, if you’re not interested in anything more, then we should not be sleeping together’.Thanks,
KimHi Kanya,
I’m planning on talking to him in person about this. It is all going to take time, it seems, since we are not living close by and weeks go by in between visits. He has been talking to me more. I’m trying to figure out exactly what I want to say. I have a much better idea of what I want and I feel empowered that I can say it and still be okay.
Thanks!
KimHi Heidi,
So, I’m going to work on ways to take back my power, as you say. I’ve always had trouble saying no to people, and that’s probably where I should start. I’ve also been writing down my thoughts and thinking about what I want.
It may be delicate, but I don’t want to let this situation continue too much longer without dealing with my feelings openly.
Can you help me find the right words to say?
Thanks,
KimHi Heidi,
Thank you for your insight. This has helped me gain some perspective. I think I’ve been devoting a lot of mental energy to this situation at the expense of other things in my life. Maybe getting caught up in my need to control what’s happening. I am feeling better just remembering that what I was telling myself wasn’t true — about being unloved. I hope I can be in a better position to make a good choice and accept whatever happens.
Thanks, KimHi Kanya,
I guess that is exactly what I’m struggling with — can I accept something less, in hope that it might turn into something more? I suppose I shouldn’t be in a rush. It just hits me when he leaves that I don’t really know if I’ll ever see him again. I don’t hear from him more than once a week, if that. And that’s what hurts. And that’s maybe where I need to work on my confidence and neediness.
He is dealing with the aftermath of a very nasty divorce, as well as job loss due to Covid. He says he doesn’t want to hurt me and is scared. I feel I should just give him time, and I don’t want to push him. This arrangement is a bit odd, but it gives me the feeling that he might actually be interested. Am I fooling myself? What do i do? Wait and let the current situation develop? Date other people? Move on entirely? How do I have that conversation without driving him away?
Thanks,
KimThank you for your support, Kanya.
I’ve used the past several years to work on myself, with yoga and meditation. I’ve started volunteering and building a community of friends. I thought I was doing well, but starting to date has revealed how needy I still feel. I think you’re right that i should take a step back and continue my inner work.
I really do think this guy is worth it, and he has shown me nothing but genuine openness and respect. However, it will be far better if I’m not coming at the whole thing from a place of need and compromise.
Thank you!Thank you so much for your reply, Heidi.
I guess this goes a bit deeper for me. I was married for 23 years, and in the last 20 years I was deprived of love and affection. I hadn’t had sex in all that time. I finally was able to end the marriage and I felt I was in a healthy emotional place. Then my guy came along and I felt a real connection for the first time in my life. When he didn’t want to continue, all that trauma of being unloved came back. I know it’s early in my “relationship” with this person, but I’m struggling to be patient and not feel sad.
Thanks, Kim
