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Hi Heidi!
I do definitely have a hard time with these conversations in person. But it would’ve been nice to have this conversation in person so that I could receive his response face to face rather than over text. I will make sure to keep this type of confrontation in person when possible.
I agree that he mostly resorts to playfulness when I confront him about my feelings. However I am struggling to understand why he is now doing that to me. When we first started talking I had never felt so connected to someone in my life. We used to sit around and talk about life for hours and hours. I have seen him cry while talking about his feelings more than any of my friends. So it confuses me that he was able to make himself vulnerable enough to me to talk about certain things and even cry, but now when I confront him about my feelings his response is different. I really miss the connection we had. He was very interested in how I felt about things and wanted to know my thoughts on certain topics.
Hello Kanya!
That actually makes sense. I am recalling another time that I confronted him in person about something he said and he tried to make light of the situation by making another joke. With this recent incident I tried to match his playful energy the first time I responded by saying that I was available to come over and talk and then after we could be intimate. About 4 hours went by and he still had not responded. Which is when I messaged him again saying that I felt hurt he swerved the conversation. I think I should have waited longer to see what his response would’ve been.
My trouble with situations like this is I start to question his intentions when he turns a more serious conversation into something sexual. Because of my past it’s hard for me to see through that without starting to panic a little. Is this something that I need to communicate back to him?
Unfortunately we weren’t extremely close as friends during those 8 years. We started off as friends, but we both mutually had feelings for each other. Shortly after our friendship began I found out that he was having a daughter. This obviously changed the course of our relationship and he kept me at a distance. I did not want to get in the middle of that situation and I just accepted things as they were. The only time that I can recall a disagreement we had I could tell that he seemed frustrated, but it seemed like he was internalizing the way he felt about the situation. He never actually vocalized his feelings.
-Amanda
Hi Heidi!
Yes I can! I messaged him using your suggestion and he replied by saying that I should come over to talk about it WHILE we have sex (his words). We are playful with each other over text so it isn’t completely out of the ordinary that he responded the way he did. I initially responded by saying that I could come over to talk about it and then we could be intimate after, but he didn’t respond. I was feeling frustrated that he responded that way in the first place, so I sent another message later and told him how much I enjoy being playful with him but that I felt hurt that he swerved my message like that. Unfortunately he didn’t respond to that message either.
That is very helpful and yes I do feel the difference in tone! I will keep that in mind the next time I need to communicate how I feel. I’ve never really confronted him for not being responsive to my messages before and I was really bummed with his response. It felt good to tell him that he hurt my feelings after that, but I was still feeling fearful that I would push him away. That really is something I need to continue working on. Thank you for acknowledging that I took a step! I am already learning a lot and I am excited to read your next suggestions moving forward!
-Amanda
Hi Kanya,
Thank you for saying that! It has been really hard but I try to take things day by day.
I did have the opportunity to use what Heidi suggested and his response was very unexpected. I would like to withhold details, but I will say that his response was really immature and off-putting. He is usually responsive when we have conversations like that but there wasn’t much I could do with what he said. Usually when things like this happen I just don’t respond hoping that he realizes he hurt my feelings. As Heidi mentioned, I have been letting my fear govern how I express my authentic self to him. So I let him know that he hurt my feelings by disregarding my message and I didn’t receive a response back. I would love to hear your thoughts!
-Amanda
Hi Kanya!
Thank you for responding as well! I really love the response that Heidi suggested. I will absolutely use that mindset in the future.
Yes, he has met my sister once before. I don’t agree, I think that they will really like him. Although my family is wealthy, they would never think less of someone I date based off of how much money they have. They just want to see me happy and know that I am being loved. I think he would be a great provider in many different ways, but I don’t think he feels the same way. I am 29 and he is 31.
To clarify, the sexual trauma began for me in my childhood and continued during my college years. I never dated in high school and most of my relationship experience happened during college. I was involved with guys that wanted no commitment and were looking to have sex. Most of them were very secretive, manipulative, and overall unsafe. I was lost during that time and rejected the idea of dating or looking to connect with someone after those experiences. I have been in therapy for three years and it has helped soften that perspective, but I still struggle a lot. It’s really hard for me to date and I feel like I lack strong relationship skills, which is why I am here :). This guy I am talking to is great, he’s the opposite of anyone I’ve been with. He’s never manipulated me into doing something I don’t want to do, very patient, and I love the way we connect.
Hello Heidi,
Thank you for responding and thank you for that insight on how my fear is causing me to not express my authentic self. That makes a lot of sense! The idea of expressing my curiosity first makes me feel a lot better. I will definitely think about that from this point on and utilize that mindset.
Yes, his texting behavior may be a symptom of a deeper issue! We haven’t been able to see each other in person yet since we started talking again so his texting behavior has been the biggest thing so far.
Here are the things that have contributed to us taking a break in the past:
-He has expressed to me many times that he feels like I am too good for him. He often refers to us as Aladdin and Jasmine. I feel like he may be afraid that my family won’t accept him. At one point I invited him to come over, not to meet my family, but just to hang out and spend some time. He was really uncomfortable with the idea and I didn’t push it any further. He’s mentioned other things about how I have money and I am not sure how to approach that either. Finding the hero instinct has been the best thing so far, because I want him to feel like I value him and appreciate how he is able to provide for me.
-His previous relationship ended very badly and with a custody battle over his daughter. I don’t know specific details of their relationship, but he has expressed to me that he feels really depressed over the situation. I also have realized that he primarily receives that hero instinct connection from his daughter.
-As I previously mentioned, my struggle with intimacy has also been a big factor. We have recently talked through this and I think that we are on a better path with that, but I know it will continue to take some work.
-Amanda
