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Will try that out. Thanks again for listening to my story and offering your valuable advice, Heidi and Kanya! =)
Hey Heidi,
That’s actually a really good point about the emotions matching the story I tell myself about this experience. I’ll be more mindful about this going forward.
I haven’t written things out in ages, mostly because I’m much faster typing and it would take me ages to write the same amount manually. It’s also easier and more secure storing these things on a computer compared to a hard copy notebook. But I’ll give it a try and see how that makes me feel. Thank you =)
Hey Kanya,
Thanks for the valuable advice =). It’s true that our parents deal with things the way they see best and they do want the best for us. But we’ve never been emotionally expressive in my family. And I always felt shy about crying or expressing deep feelings in front of them. I don’t like being pitied and I sometimes felt that they pity me when I express certain things.
When things got to a point where I couldn’t handle it anymore, I took to journaling. Over a period of a couple of weeks atleast, everyday for a couple of hours I typed and typed away the whole experience with him on my laptop. It definitely helped and there were moments where I smiled to myself recalling certain moments, and other moments where I was crying as I wrote about the more painful parts of this experience. I think the tears were partly me feeling bad/sorry for myself. It was tough writing about it.
There were times I felt I could forgive him and carry on with life, other times where I wanted things to continue with him and other times where I told myself I’d never speak to him again. So it was quite a journey to finish it. The sad/bad part is, my laptop crashed a few weeks later and I lost a lot of stuff, including the journal =(. That was devastating again and I cried a lot over this loss. You must be thinking I seem to cry for everything – but I felt fear again that I was sort of “left alone” after losing the journal – and those feelings of abandonment resurfaced – it was almost like I’d just had the breakup again.
I would like to recreate the journal; atleast the more significant parts, but haven’t yet summoned the energy to do so. I’ll see how I feel about it and maybe do it in bits and pieces.
I considered therapy but I have to find a good one where I live, that I can feel comfortable opening up to. I’ll explore that option in the coming weeks as well.
Thanks again Heidi for your detailed responses, I really appreciate it :). Some things you said really stood out for me:
He got in deep, even though I KNEW from the very first moment there was going to be an ending at some point. He was NOT my long term person he was just a stepping stone and an experience I wanted to have –> this sounds pretty much like my situation. I knew he’s not my long term guy but I wanted this experience. There wasn’t anything bad about it either. I just didn’t want it to end so soon, without a conversation/discussion of any sort.
I’m definitely letting myself feel all the pain and face it, instead of trying to bury it. My first coping mechanism was to get back onto the dating apps, but I gave up on that pretty soon because I just wasn’t feeling it, and Covid kicked in. Even now I’m not yet back on them because I want to feel like I’m okay on my own first.
I guess as humans, companionship, love and affection are really basic and important to all of us, and we try to find ways to gain these from our relationships with various people. Where I’m coming from is, I am ok being on my own, but not forever. I’ve actually never had a “long term” relationship ever – only dates or very short relationships that then ended because either of us was not interested. So I guess I start wondering when I will find a long-term guy, because dating on its own can get tiring after a bit.
You CANNOT fix how you feel inside by using outside sources – other people, money, sex, love, exercise, food, partying, working, career etc. –> I totally get this. These are more distraction mechanisms that don’t really address what’s going on inside. But I do wonder then, how do i fully address what’s going on inside?
Hey Heidi,
You’ve given me a lot to think about! I really appreciate you taking the time to write this, and to share your own life experiences. It’s inspiring that you’re leading a complete and happy life and are fine with being single!
I know that I’m done being single and would really like to have a steady partner. But not just anyone – someone I can connect with and have deep feelings for and who has the same for me.
I guess you’re right that even though he didn’t treat me badly, he is still unavailable because he is married. I wouldn’t call him a typical bad boy, but there is something about him that’s attractive, something about his demeanour, patience and the way he speaks to people – in a way I used to respect/look up to him which is why I went to him for advice on things. In fact, many of our colleagues used to call him the “Public Relations guy” or the “nice guy”, because that’s just who he was. I am typically attracted to alpha males, but he wasn’t even that. So i thought I’d finally been able to move away from my pattern of bad boys/alpha males.
If there are indeed a few right ones, then it would hurt even more when a relationship with one of them ends, wouldn’t it? How did you get over those? I was in incredible pain when this one ended – in fact when he ended it over phone (due to Covid), I broke down and couldn’t stop crying as I spoke to him. And I had to take a day of sick leave because I just couldn’t focus on work. I couldn’t predict when I’d suddenly start crying and had totally lost control of my emotions for a few days. It was scary. I know it affected me that much because I felt the connection, and also it was the culmination of anxiety from not having seen him for a month prior to that, the fear that he was going to end it or had already done so in his mind, and that I’d have to face loneliness again. Only now after 3 months, the pain has lessened to 20-30% if you take 100% as the starting point.
I used to think of myself as resilient, in all the things I’ve faced in life so far. But this one pretty much broke me and I wonder what happened to all that resilience. You’re right that I’m afraid of putting myself through more pain. I also don’t know how to build up courage to properly get to know a single guy and possibly get emotionally invested, before knowing if this would end up being long-term. And then dealing with that breakup. I think I may also have issues with abandonment from very young (not sure why).
As for sex-only, I do see some online “coaches” out there who advocate for women to have a healthy sex life, regardless of whether they’re in a relationship. I don’t know how much to believe in this. What are your thoughts?
My other challenge is that I can’t reach out to my family for support on this. They’re very traditional and conservative and I can’t even imagine telling them about this married guy. But anything guy- or sex-related, I pretty much have dealt with on my own (or with friends’ support) my whole life as they would not be able to understand. I’m used to that now. But it made this particular situation hell to deal with because everyone was at home during the lockdown and all i needed was space/support to cry and process my pain when the “breakup” happened and i had neither. I am thankful though that I have a couple of friends I can confide in.
I feel like I’d be able to deal with him not being a romantic partner anymore – but not his total disappearance from my life. Basically I still want to be friends.
Hey Kanya,
I guess you’re right – maybe I’m not valuing and taking care of myself enough in this situation to be able to walk away. I tried telling myself that it’s indeed a bullet I dodged, but didn’t manage to convince myself because I guess I really just needed someone to fill the gaping hollow. And part of the reason I try to continue being friends with him is maybe I feel regret this did not go any further. Perhaps a part of his conscience was guilty and didn’t want to hurt me further, since he could see that I was getting emotionally involved, and hence he ended it – whatever it is, I may never know. Does it also mean I can never ever be friends with him even?
As for meeting new men, I have tried but for some reason, I am unable to be as attracted to them. I don’t know why I end up finding “unavailable” guys more attractive somehow. In the past, I have liked single guys but they were not interested in me and went on to date other girls.
I think I am also afraid of what would happen if I seriously started dating a single guy – what if he’s not the right one and i end up wasting time and emotions? I also don’t like going through the whole process of telling someone I’m not interested in them (done this a few times, after a few dates) – it’s mentally tiring. And many of the guys I meet are through apps or are overseas – with Covid and restrictions on travelling, I can barely sustain interest in them. Whereas this guy was right in front of me (and still is to some extent). And maybe this is why I found the situation with this guy comfortable, because I knew there was no future in it to begin with. In fact, he used to say things like he hopes to be with me long term, and i sternly asked him if he really could do that, to which he replied “No”. Knowing that he has the tendency to cheat (at least in the past), I don’t want to be married to him anyway – but I liked what I had with him I suppose. Maybe I’m so desperate for affection that I’m even ok with a sex-only “relationship”.
I think about how I have “descended” to this, when in the past i used to stay strictly away from married and attached guys – but somehow I am numb – maybe the cynicism has taken over. In fact I even shared this concern with him at the start and he said it was his guilt to bear, not mine. I guess as I get older (early 30s now), the options get fewer and somehow, slightly older guys (early 40s) become more appealing. And maybe that’s another reason why I’m not able to be attracted to guys my age – maybe I need a guy who can “take care” of me? Is that in itself an issue?
Hey Heidi,
Thanks so much for reading and replying to my long (and stupid) story. You’re right – he has done this before and he told me about it on one of our “dates”. So yes, it’s clear that he’s interested in sex. Which makes me think – is that why he cut me off, since I wasn’t giving it to him so easily? He claimed he was starting to feel anxiety about cheating on his wife, which is really odd given he’s done this multiple times before. I asked him about that and he said he doesn’t know why he feels this way now, maybe he’s just not able to do this sort of thing anymore.So yes, that hurts, because he told me his past experiences with the “other women” in his life lasted around 2 years each.
Why i like being with him is – he always made me feel admired and supported, like he wanted me to do well, especially as a woman and he didn’t seem to feel threatened by my achievements. E.g. I shared that I used to play cricket in the school team and he told me he even shared that info with his son and that his son was excited to meet me. So it’s interesting if he does not really respect women. He has high EQ and during one of our initial “dates” he even told me he knows my situation with him is extremely difficult for me, that I’ve been handling it super so far and that he can tell that I have “some emotions” in this. He was a great listener and didn’t get impatient with my issues. He even shared some personal stuff of his and told me he loved how he could do that. So I thought I was building an emotional connection with him too.
Whenever you make anyone else your “source” for anything, it muddies the waters. –> this is so so true. But how do I make myself the source if I am feeling lonely? He provided compassion, a listening ear and later there was the physical aspect as well – I can’t fulfil that to the same extent on my own. Even if we take simple hugs and kisses – I can’t do this for myself. And I guess I was in a way prepared that this “relationship” would be mostly about sex.
When i’m lonely, i feel unwanted and undesirable. I also feel fear that I can’t handle life’s problems on my own. I’m managing a couple of health issues and he knew about it and was kind about it – I need that support system to feel like I’m not dealing with it on my own. And I guess I need that support from a romantic partner because that’s different from a friend’s support.
But how do i deal with guys who seem to ignore texts meant to activate their Hero instinct? Like how he ignored my recent msg (typed above in my first post).
