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Thank you for the idea but honestly I have been to counseling before of my own accord and this information, book, and coaching site has been so much better than counseling. The counseling was not too beneficial. I also have a friend that run ideas by and that is good. The walking and running helps me calm down. Taking care of me along with caring for others are all things that help. My husband is good and I am able to process everything Better now. Challenges will not cease but God is there at my side and ahead.
All of my concerns are resolving. Thank you for the insight and book. It has been so helpful. I am understanding my husband more every day and know he loves me and wants me. I am understanding better his reactions and what he means to say or do at times. I no longer feel so frustrated or doubtful. He is becoming more sensitive also to my concerns and feelings. I am being more patient again and I know he always liked that about me. I am no longer worried if I am good enough for him. I am and he is for me. We can and will continue to progress and grow together. We had a wonderful weekend. Intimacy is also better. I am truly thankful! Instead of needing to change each other I am able to understand and not become as upset. Also I am learning how to talk to him or connect in a way to make him more comfortable and I am no longer expecting him to act or react the same as I. We are different and that is ok. Sometimes we are similar. Changing my approach to him is helping him open up to me more too and giving him the ability to respect me too. I enjoy learning. Thank God for all the help out there. He also really does like the clothes I am wearing and I no longer feel worried about that. I am still modest but also looking sexy or cute etc. and he is able to hear how I “feel” and I am becoming able to understand he has different experiences than I do. I want to keep learning and finding what works best for both of us not just for myself or just for him. Thank you again!!
Should I show more positive receiving? How do I do that? Maybe by showing excitement or saying thank you? I am saying thank you more often. Um I in the past felt that when I was grateful or happy for something he did or gave me that he was not very satisfied from my response. Does he just not Like to show that to me? He tells me often with enthusiasm when someone outside our home is thankful or impressed with him but not so much to the kids and I. Why would that be? Maybe I am easing him wrong and making assumptions but not sure.
Yes I do tend to get mixed feelings often. For example when he liked how I dressed it was more revealing. I don’t mind looking sexy for him but to other people I also do not want to appear as a slut. And two of my children even feel uncomfortable if my shirts come down too low around my boobs. Also I do not want to loose respect from other men around me. Yet my husband likes it if they look. That kinda makes sense to me and it kinda worries me. For example if we do later on go to Mexico to retire I feel the need to be cautious and I am hoping he will be protective. I am not afraid of his family but I even had a guy here at a gas station one day look at me with a worried look and he started telling me no not tonight! I even had a coat on! Well I realized that I think he thought I was a prostitute or something. I had not said anything to him but was just walking by. Their is a strip club right by that truck stop. Well anyways I don’t mind being sexy for my man but I also desire for him to feel the need or want to and to look out for me as “his” women whom he would not want to share with other men. He is confusing how he talks. For example he wants me to get more tattoos because he likes them (yet I have said if Indonthey will be small because the last big one hurt) but at the same time more than once he will state under his breath almost that I mustn’t be a “bitch” afterwards. If I ask what he said he will not repeat it but I really heard him the first time. I just want him to clearify what he is thinking and wanting. I do understand that Allison is right that when he opens up some of what he says I will like and some things I may not but I must not react because that will ruin his ability to open up to me. Trust me when I say I am still working on that. I definitely grew up listening to all the wrong ways to talk to each other and am working to change that. On another note we had my daughters friend here last night with his kids and I then realized that that is one thing we very much agree on is how we act and teach them when we were with our own kids. My husband has not always been as supportive emotionally with the kids as I needed or they might have needed over they years but he does care and he is involved and helps and is more attentive to what they are doing now than before. My daughter still gets upset if she thinks he is mad at her or if she thinks he is mad and I have explained to her that men are different and they often show anger (even though he was not mad) before other emotion when they are affected or concerned or worried about something. Also I think my husband becomes confused at times as to what I do or do not like or believe etc. so I have learned that I do have to watch what I say and do. Because just pleasing does not work if I am not congruent within myself. Then later he thinks we’ll why did you do this or not if you do or don’t think or want the same. When we met almost 20 years ago neither of us discussed what we believed or our principles or goals etc. I’d say the only thing we discussed is we both agreed on Having no more than two or three kids and we both worked. We both agreed in God’s existence. Ok so my brain just goes everywhere like Allison says we are so connected to everything but men are more focused! So how do I internalize everything ? I do feel relief knowing that men think we are grateful to their hard work when we do the “subtle” things like cooking for them or washing their clothes because at times I have felt very unappreciated and then that raging monster she talked about rises up inside me and everything becomes ugly. It is true. I asked him last night if he is (I did not say feel since we are different that way) embarrasses when I hug him in front of other people or his friends . He had this look on his face and I said do not worry I am not putting you down I am honestly just asking Because I want to know. He said how are you not putting me down? I repeated I am not you did not do anything g wrong I just wondered if that is comfortable for you or not. ( there have been times when I tried to and I felt bad because I felt like he would move away from me) but he replied that he is Not embarrassed but is proud. Also I know he feels good when other men look at me Because I am his and not theirs. He also likes it when people are surprised at what we have like our house and kids and vehicles and garden etc. These are all things that lift his spirits and make give him value I think. But how I respond to him is becoming so important to me because even the kids have noticed at times that if I have been worried about another women he helped or talked to and say remarks about it it hurts him. I was mad before because I felt he did not care about my feelings when I needed him to and would do more with them than I was comfortable or felt safe with. So I have apologized to our kids and I am working on being better with him for both of us. I don’t want to put him down when he is committed and ruin that but I also need him to act in a manner that I am comfortable with too. Yet at the same time I ha e learned I will only be satisfied in the end if he does or doesn’t do things because he really wants to and not just because I cohersed him into it. I want his heart to be in what he does just like I attempt to listen to mine. Over time I am attempting to let go of control (because for awhile that was my way of being safer and not loosing what I do desperately didn’t want to loose, us, him and I) but at the same time that was only going to backfire I could see and cause him to not want me in a sense. I do not want to destroy him or I as individuals or us as a couple. I need to trust him but We also need to be able to come together and work through differences and I hope come out I the same page while being united and not loosing ourselves as the individuals God created us to be. Wow that was a lot to sort! Well of course as a guy I guess my husband would get lost in that much information. I liked the example in Allison’s material about Janice and her man who went car shopping and she asked the salesman for a drink of water. That gave her the moment she needed to work thing s out respectfully with him and not embarrass him and gave her a chance have him see her way of thinking too. Ok so here is another example of my “mixed feelings”. I do not like to drink a lot of alcohol but occasionally I do not mind. So at times he wanted me to drink with him and I did but I did not feel like it was really much fun or like we could enjoy connecting that way since that is mostly my goal although his is probably just To relax and have fun. Well I felt bad a few times like why was I trying to please him by drinking if the results were not that great and then later if I wanted him to drink less a few times I felt lime I was being hypocritical by ha omg drank myself and maybe that gave me less credit for ask in him to drink less. He does not get drunk all the time. He does like a couple beers after work a lot but does not every night. Anyways that is just an example of me trying to please someone and not always being true to myself. SonI am learning to say no when I need to for me and understand what I am ok with or not. So like I said I don’t mind drinking some occasionally but not often. I remember one time when I was discussing this sort of thing with my husband and he said “I will not love you more or less if you drink a lot or don’t drink!”. That was kind of a relief for me because I was always worried that if I did not do things his way he would not like me any more. That is probably childish and immature thinking but it was true for me for a few years. And with the strip club thing I realized later what turned me off the most was not that he saw a few half naked girls but that they turned him on sexually instead of me. I then felt maybe jealous and not right. I don’t feel that being naked in and of itself is the issue but since men and maybe some women are turned on easily I wanted to be the only one having that effect on him. Of course I have no control over just someone walking down the street etc. I used to be afraid that he would then be less satisfied with me. Then I also realized that I needed to look better or exercise and be healthy just for my own self esteem and not just for him but because I wanted to be comfortable in my own skin. That relieved some of the pressure off of him too. So now I do not expect him to be blind to other women but I do want him to save such actions for us and not be sharing our romance or his romantic sexual side with others or allow another women to become attached to him because I feel it is my place only. Does that make sense? Any thoughts? Should I ever be concerned about his interactions any more with other women or should I completely drop it unless he literally cheats on me one day which I am not planning on? I ah e asked my sister and him calmly and respectfully to please not do things together when I am not there. I asked this for my own peace of mind. My sister seems desperate at times and that makes me uncomfortable. As I said before my husband likes to be helpful to anyone but I would appreciate it if he could be more aware of my inner safety triggers. Do you think it is wrong of me to ask this or does it negatively affect him when I do ask such things? I want to have healthy boundaries but I also do not want to hinder him doing things because HE WANTS to put our safety in our marriage first or maybe I am the only one concerned about such things and he isn’t. I want to be cherished and I am not into polygamy. Yet I enjoy being naughty with just him and I. Well he uses another word but I am not sure how to translate that. Do you think he likes it that I have morals or do you think he doesn’t care? Sometimes he talks very occasionally about how another women was a bitch and sounds disgusted by it yet on the other hand he tries to say he does not care what I do yet he also at times says he does not want me to become a bitch. I believe he means start sleeping around . I like to really get clarity about What we are thinking but he does not have that need it seems . Also he does not like to admit that if I were to leave him he would miss me instead he says well if I don’t want him……. and I always say I would miss him and hate for that to happen. He thinks I am crazy to say I wouldn’t move onto someone else but I have known women who didn’t. Well anyways we are not planning on such things happening so it doesn’t matter since I am giving up my previous desire to know he would so miss me and want me back since that is likely just immature. Well these are examples of getting mixed feelings and confusion arising. Any thoughts?
I do believe it hurts him when I choose what seems to him I interruption over him even though that was not my intentions. Also I felt like he did not care about me or us at times when I think now he was just focused on something else and could not focus on us both as a man.
I can also see now that he has experiences while I have a lot of feelings. Also his single focus makes it hard for him to understand me and answer my questions. I am wanting to learn to quit stressing him by not communicating In a way that allows him to respond and let us connect. Also I think Inread or heard that he needs sex to connect. Is that correct? Also honestly I want sex too and I have in the past wanted more and more variety but I am not sure when he wants it and not sure how far to go with that. I do not mean other partners when I say variety. Yet he has asked me many times if I want to do it with someone else. I like to see other hot guys yes but I do not look for anything physical with them. Sorry I am just trying to sort Th is and move forward and I understand us. It is important for me to move on from anything that hurt before and to forgive or understand him so that maybe I won’t feel bad anymore but will enjoy a fabulous romantic and friendship and marriage and parent together and enjoying life together everything possible relationship. I am done asking him too much or frustrating him. I don’t want to emasculate him but have his back instead and get him forever!!
I am reading module number nine. I understand and how I have at times destroyed by the way I have spoken to him in front of others or by ourselves his trust and ability to be comfortable with me or open up or feel like I got his back. I used to be better and more careful but I got angry when I felt he did not respect my feelings and others it seemed became more important and what he wanted mattered first. Eventually I just started telling him no matter what how I felt. It would take awhile to explain the details. Anyways I have learned that how I talk and act in front of others is important and by ourselves yet I am still learning how to have some balance because my feelings do matter too. Yet understanding how he as a man thinks and experiences life is helping my anger subside. I do not feel angry about everything but I have been upset many times. Also I need to hear what he is already saying to me without actually saying it. I need to trust it is true when he says he cares. I need to receive what he does already give better. He says he does not compare me to other women but because he is always looking g around at I just assume I think that I am not enough. Also when I see and feel uncomfortable with something I would lime to know how to have him respect that and care about my feelings not just about the fact that he believes he has done nothing wrong. From a conversation we had this week it seems we both will find the opposite sex attractive but neither of us is looking to be unfaithful. But I still struggle when he wants to go to a stripper club. Now I also know that he would be ok with it if I wanted to see men strippers or so he says. I feel u sure if that would cause us to be unfaithful either physically or even just on the inside. I want to enjoy each other but U also do not want to destroy intimacy between us and for me I have not been able to grasp that yet concerning seeing other people that way and us being sexually intimate. I am comfortable with just him and I but throwing that in there is hard. Yet he also is willing to respect when I do not want to go and he says we won’t if I say no. The bottom line is I guess, where do I fit into his heart if he thinks about wanting to go? Am I not the “one” because of that? Or am I still the one for him with full commitment and not wanting to loose me ever kind of thing? When I got tired and drove off the rode once, he later told people he was glad I was ok because he did not want to have to raise the kids by himself or have to find a more girl. I felt bad that he did not say that he would miss me terribly and just couldn’t replace me. I personally do not want to ever be married again or dating again. What shoudld I think? How do I process this and I think O am a good women yet Instruggle wondering. How he thinks of me. I am doing what I can as Allison talked about in ho or if myself first because I have noticed that just pleasing the other person is not the answer. He is a great guy yet as O am understanding I may not always like what he says. Any thoughts? I did find some fee tidbits on her site.
I am working on showing more positivity. I hope it helps. I was glad to hear on the video that men say that they care instead of saying they love us. Because my husband just told me recently that he really cares about me a lot. This is a good thing then but I honestly was so confused by what he said and just did. It understand what that meant. He does not say I love you very often. He told me the other night that he is finally glad I am wearing better clothes. A part of me took that as a compliment and another part of me was offended. I know he frequently picks out more sexy or not so modest clothes for me to wear unless we are going to church of course but sometimes this makes me feel unprotected too. I do wish he could understand that I love to look sexy for him and I have been exercising even though I am not fat or anything but I also do not understand why I Never seem to satisfy him. If I do I do not know it or maybe I am not supposed to satisfy him. I like how I have read about momentum and need for continuous progression and that makes sense to me but here is why I get uncomfortable. Sometimes he wants to go to a stopping club and I only feel betrayed later after he watches them. We went once. I know he wants to go again but on the inside I am not comfortable with it. I know it is natural for guys to like to see other girls but I am a one guy kind of girl. He also remarked that he for awhile thought I was not human or something because I do not look at other men a lot. A part of him wants me to act like a bitch and get more tattoos and he says he wants to take me to see the girls so I can learn to do that and see how their bodies look after they have had kids too and how they are good but not perfect either. This is my understanding anyways. How should I understand this info I receive from him? I feel confused and sometimes angry and other moments understanding. I will also start being more conscientious of the 5:1 ratio of positive reinforcement versus negative comments. I really do want him to win and feel like a hero and feel helpful to other women while at the same time being able to trust him and know I am the only one for him! I also agree that women will often be unfaithful emotionally before they are physically and this is why I think I become unsettled of a desperate women wants favors or too much conversation with him. I am not a stone and do find other men attractive and sexy or fun to talk to but I don’t have a need to fuck them just for that. I am passionate about my marriage and relationship with him but am learning how to love the best way. Any thoughts? I think Allison’s curriculum on men and women would be great but it was more than I can probably pay for today. It is like $595.
I just noticed that my husband always calls me anymore when he gets hoe or at least almost always if I am not there and I am out taking a walk or something. That is a good thing right? Does that mean he is looking forward to seeing me? I am trying to see as you said what he is doing and not just what I get upset about.
I was just reading about making great dates to enjoy together. One year I bought skydiving tickets for us together for his Christmas present because that was all he kept saying how he wanted to go and never had and loved watching others do it. But I was disappointed when he opened them and did not get excited and when we went he did not say much. He was disappointed that the instructor he flew with went so fast. My instructor gave me a smooth slower ride down. I feel lost in what to do that he will enjoy between us .he is always so distracted by everyone around us when we go out. Any thoughts? Am I just expecting too much attention? Are all men like that? Well probably not. I just have not found his nitch? Also I had flowers delivered to his job one time. I think he felt a bit embarrassed. He got me some after I got him some but he doesn’t otherwise. Any thoughts?
Also I would like to connect with my husband on an emotional and deeper level but he seems to do better at that with other women and not me. How do I connect with him that way instead of him being draw to meet other women’s needs? Or am I asking for too much or expecting too much. Because if anything that need is very strong for me. After I feel safe and emotionally connected and desired physically and appreciated I feel less anxiety and actually want him again. Sorry I will try not to post so much in one day again.
It also struck me when the book talks about positive reinforcement for behavior change instead or negative reinforcement. I grew up with a lot of the negative even though my mom also taught me many good principles etc. I do realize that even though I have attempted not to be critical like my mom I have been at times when I feel threatned. At times I felt that my expression of gratitude and praise was not enough though and other people’s expressions of this was more effective. I think I became jealous over the years and that is not a good trait. So how do I reverse this and get on a good track? I believe I have already started my acknowledging it. Exercise helps too. I believe the book is correct that I must plan to start small and continue on. It is true that sometimes after accomplishing a goal a person feels worse than when you stared. So it is important to keep it up lifelong. Any thoughts or advice?
I am starting to focus more on being healthy myself and not just talking about it. I know he wants me to look good yet also my kids and husband and kids friends think O look fine and am not fat or anything yet I feel like I can do better and want to. But also I k ow that being physically sexy and well isn’t everything. I want to get to the point that other women no longer feel like a threat to my marriage. And for me to be able to meet his needs and be his dream. And at times I could see or thought that I was not meeting those needs and that is why other ladies were the center of his attention it seemed. I could be wrong about that. I am not sure but I just know how I felt. Yet I am also learning that feelings are not always completely accurate. Yet they do matter too. Any thoughts or ideas?
I am reading about common goals and making progress in The relationship together. I have become lost as to what goals to have together that do not pertain to finances or the kids. Years ago I kept talking to him about celebrating our anniversaries or having a wedding later since we did not or going on vacations together just him and I etc. But all he ever wanted to do was work and later go shopping and out to eat again. Finally last year he decided he liked camping together. He likes new sexual ideas but I need an emotional and safe connection too. The book describes him perfectly I think. In our early years he constantly looked for adventure on his own while leaving me at home with the kids. Then later he focused more on just working constantly and would be home after that. Now he seems to truly enjoy any praise from other people and women yet I feel when I praise him he does not react the same. I am reading and soaking in the book. I hope at some point what I can do in my situation will become more clear to me because me just being responsible and faithful and Letting him know how I like to be with him is not enough. In the past I would try buying him presents but it did not seem lime he was too crazy over them. I enjoy keeping a clean house and cooking after work to a pint for my family but sometimes when his only thoughts are of work I began to just feel like a servant instead of someone he was excited to see and be with after work. He shows lots of energy to work and help out others. He likes to look out for the females he works with you know so they don’t get hurt and everyone is in awe at how hard he works. I am impressed too until it overshadows my connection with him. I will be more understanding of it all since that is just the way men are wired without conscious thought of it. He did make one improvement that I appreciate just now. He called and texted checking on our son to check on his surgery he just had. Also on Friday he called and checked on my other son and I when I took him to an appointment for his back pain. Our children all have jobs and our oldest just graduated from Highschool. This is a positive improvement as I got very upset in the past when he did not show concern when we were in the hospital etc right away. I also realize we never had time in the past for just us. We had our first child during the first year we were together. Both of us were young and just starting to figure out life as an adult. So now that our children are older I no longer have little kids to distract me and I want my marriage to flourish and not feel line I am just here because we have a family together but also because we want to be together and have chosen each other as the only one for each of us. I am thinking of how I can progress as the book says towards helping him or admiring him or showing such things that drive him as a man. Sex is good yet as a women I need more than just that and want that too. I have to say I am glad he is a stable provider because I did not always experience that as a kid. I know that is part of what attracted me to him so I can see why others see that too. I just don’t want that to take away me being a priority or his need of praise cause him to look for his needs being met with another women because I don’t meet them or know how to. I am thankful for our home and family we have built together.
I should clarify that to my knowledge he has never done anything sexual with a coworker. Any such actions have been with people outside of work. The lady I felt very upset about that he worked with before, he did some favors for her line helping her cash her check (she was not from here) and picked her up something at the store since that he told her we buy when we were out. His excuse was that he would do the same for any of the guys he works with too. When I confronted her about it she said nothing was going on between them. Another women I did not feel comfortable with once said she just felt he Lomé she was one of the guys. It is true that he does favors for any guy too. The conversation about sex he had with a lady was online on Facebook messenger and he did not know her personally. I want to be close to him but I struggle because in my eyes he crosses boundaries that I am not comfortable with. I do not have male friends myself and I do not do favors for men almost ever. I am very respectful of other people’s husbands and boyfriends etc. I also do not lime him around my sister much without me because I do not completely trust her either. Trust is hard for me. My mom was strict but I also grew up with a dad who looked at a lot of porn and some of his other actions contributed to their divorce. I do not line any hints if I fed elite. But when I try to explain to my husband my fears and need to be 100 percent protected in our marriage and how I want to be the only one sharing sexual and romantic actions and thoughts with, I feel he does not understand. He seems to think that as long as he just never literally has physical sex with them that he is fine and I should be ok too I guess. I have in the past worked hard within myself to let things go and forgive but then another thing will come up and I feel very uncomfortable again and confused. I believe I need to trust him but also I have a need for him to look out for my feelings/heart and what affects me too. I need him to protect us not just what makes him comfortable. Also for example last night our daughter need help and my husband was mad or acted mad that I wanted to come with me to pick her and her friend up. This upset me and I felt like shit because of his boss or another friend of his called he would have wasted no time in helping them and acted happy and proud to help. But it seems the rules change concerning me. Sometimes he is helpful to me and other times I feel I am left behind the rest of the world. He was good to our daughter at least and we were ok later I guess. He wanted sex before we slept. Well am I just not supposed to care about myself in a way and just trust and let him do whatever and not ask for help or just for him to come along? Am I just supposed to sit back and wait for him to decide every day to be faithful and want me completely and if he really cheats on me some day just call it off? I am to the point I will if that is what it takes. I pray though that I am not disappointed in the end. I truly hate breakup and divorce after how I grew up and I do love my husband but I also feel confused about how he feels about me and other women. I apologize for the long text. I really want to get this out and figure it out and not move on but live with confidence. I understand if I am too strict and need to loosen up but I also want complete faithfulness and only because he wants to give it to me because I am the one for him who he loves and desires not because he is obligated. Also other women I. Our early years kept telling me that he was just with me because of our kids not because he loved me. I do not want that to be true and I ignored them thinking they were just jealous and wanted my man. But at times I remember those words and it hurts. Any advice or thoughts? If I am just going crazy in my head and just need to quit being concerned tell me. And if there is something I can do to improve us or myself tell me. I do not want to try to control others. I would like to be loved because I am loved not because I made someone do to.
