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Can I write something like this to him or is it wrong/too much?
“I am taking a risk now and just want to add this as an explanation / clarification from my part:
The reason I asked you about what you really know about me and why I turned to you about it, is because you are one of the few who stand closest to me today, whom I trust, whom I feel safe with, and is the person that can help me better than anyone else with this right now, to have an opportunity to get some clarity in it all.
It is because of your insight and look that you have in / over everything that has been, that I wanted to get help from you. So that I can more easily get an overview and be able to see what it is I am showing and not showing regarding myself. By hearing from you what impression you have of me, how you see me, how you know me and what you know about me as a person, interests etc. Because I have lost / pushed away parts of myself for so many years, which I realized yesterday, thanks to you .. and I am trying to find them now and figure out what happened from the very beginning, to take a step in the right direction and be able to develop and become myself fully, to be whole again , and have a chance to show others who I really am.
Sorry and thanks again.
See ya, take care of yourself.”
I also asked how come he couldn’t see us in a relationship and wrote this:
“How come? If you like that much about me and with me as a person, and we’re both going through some changes right now. I am not trying to push you, I am just wondering and want answers so things are clear, for me. You can’t compare with what we had, since we’re not there anymore, we’re here and now and we haven’t spent that much time together, we’re kind of in the beginning again with it all in a way. What are you judging it on now so to say, what’s the obstacle”
And then he gave up, that it’s the same discussion as when we broke up two months ago, that I should forget everything and wished me good luck with life. He also said that I refuse to respect his capability of thinking for himself, that he’d given me these answers and it’s just circles even though I said we should just be friends and take it as it comes. I only asked because we were talking about what we did then and that it would end right there and then or he would block me. And then I said it felt like I never really got a clear answer from him what it was about and why it ended, that I thought I could ask him that now since it’s been sometime and we never got a proper ending and could move on, and then he wrote all that about why he couldn’t see us as a couple. He’s really disappointed how he ended it, that he didn’t do it in a better way and that he regret not ending our contact totally after the break up. He also blamed our contact for destroying his next relationship, that it colored of and was a part of destroying it for him.
Hi Heidi,
It sounds really good and I would have loved to do that, but it’s too late and things got kind of messy yesterday. He told me that he is not in love with me anymore, that the emotions that were there, are gone now. He only feel like friends.
He can’t see us as a couple because I miss some qualities that he look for in a woman. He’s not attracted enough to me. He wants someone that is more feminine, someone that’s better in the home with cooking for example, more driven, more ambitious, that can push him in another way, that he can push and develop/grow with, more sporty, more tough..more personality, more things that gives identity, things you like and things you don’t like..it’s only safe and comfortable with me, boring, ordinarily. He thinks I am a good person, he likes me, he like a lot of my qualities and he enjoys my company but it’s not love. He wanted a friendly relation with sex in it.
But all this happened because the first question I asked in the morning was why he looked me into the eyes like he did the night before when he slept over, and he told me because it was a long time ago he looked into them, that he’d forgotten how nice and kind they were. And then what he feels came up, and I asked why he called me babe and badonki if there’s no emotions there anymore, why he had hold me several times during the night and kissed me on my back. And I also wrote “So there’s no chance that it will be the two of us again then, huh, at all?” And he answered, no, not as a couple and that he has told me that several times and that maybe we shouldn’t do this if I feel this strongly and I just wrote that I was asking and that it’s nothing wrong with that, is it.
He also told me that I suck too much energy out of him when things get hard or emotional, always have, even when we’re not in a relationship, because I ask a lot of questions then and write books, then he changed his mind and told me it was just in the beginning of our relationship and now when it comes to this and that I am an obstacle for his future relationships and life because he can’t move on entirely.
I have lost pieces of myself, own interests, own parts of me during many years because I have adjusted a lot to the persons I’ve been in a relationship with. I kind of remembered that yesterday so I just wrote to him and asked what he knows about me, like really know about me. I didn’t mean anything with it, I just needed help with finding out what I do show and don’t show, which parts I’ve lost, but I never wrote that to him, that it was help i wanted because I just realised something and it was late and I was tired. And then he wrote “I’m sorry I’m not doing this, you seriously went down that hole again, too much drama, sorry, good luck with everything!” And I wrote that I didn’t mean anything like that with it, that I just realised something and he asked me to stop writing to him and blocked me.
So I wrote somewhere else, telling him that the thing he made me realise was that I’ve lost parts of myself during all years I’ve chosen to adjust to other people. That I wanted to apologize for not being able to be fair or honest against him, but mostly myself, by not daring to be myself entirely because of fear of rejection. But also that I wanted to thank him for helping me find some pieces of myself again, training as an example. That it was that I wanted to tell him with what I first wrote, and that I just wanted him to know that, but wasn’t sure the regular text message would reach him since he blocked me on Whatsapp. And I also wrote that I won’t write or bother him again, that I’ll leave him alone now..a
I noticed he unblocked me after the last message I wrote to him and I was on my way writing things a bit clearer, why I turned to him with that question, the reasons for it, and that I just wanted his help since he’s one of the closest persons to me and the last relationship I had, but I didn’t. He hasn’t replied yet though I am not sure he will either.
What should I do now? I don’t want to lose him entirely, but feels like everything is just broken and destroyed right now and that I can’t do anything to fix it. I want to show him/want him to see who I really am, a chance for it. Since I realised what I did yesterday, with my personality and all, what I like etc but just feels like I am not gonna get that opportunity anymore..have I lost him entirely? Can I do anything at all or is this the end to it all?
I guess I want him to see me again as someone he can be together with, that’s not holding him back and that helps him evolve and grow to be the best he can be and not someone who’s restraining him or block him from evolving and growing.
And if I would become sure that I want a relationship with him again, is there any tool that I could use myself and have help of in that case in this situation? Because the fault that we had in our relationship earlier was that we were almost always with eachother when we had spare time and we never like went on adventures and spiced things up in our relationship, we were very comfortable at home and safe with eachother, just cozying up, went for small walks, not experiencing something new in that way.
But then again, when I asked the more personal questions, he wrote later after it all when I already had gone to sleep and asked me how I was doing and that he was sorry if he hurt me and if I was mad. The day after I worked extra and was still at work when his shift started and then he came by and said hello and asked how I was doing and that it felt like the right thing to do after what happened the night before, because I withdrew after it and told him to forget that I even asked anything and told him “see ya”. And then it went a day or two without us talking at all and then he wrote just asking how work was.
And this last weekend he wanted to come to my place after he quit work in the morning, I said we could take it some other time since I was going away during the day and went to sleep. He had written a lot during the night, that he could come anyway and I could leave spare keys for him to lock with when I left and that he just wanted to lay next to me and that he was coming anyway but he never showed up, and I asked what changed his mind. Then he told me it didn’t feel right to just pop up like that in the morning and because I was going away, that it was several reasons and that he was weak and selfish.
Hi Heidi,
Yeah..I did say we should take it a bit as it comes and see what happens with time. And we have just seen eachother one more time after that time he slept over, and he slept over then as well but felt a bit different that time, not as much cuddles, more space between us, more like just hanging out except when we slept because then we were holding on to eachother I noticed. Otherwise we’re just talking, nearly everyday, but I nearly never write to him first because I don’t want to be seen as clingy or needy I suppose.
I think I am pretty confused myself with all this. I miss him and what we had of course, but for now I am not sure if I can trust him enough to be in a relationship with him again this close to everything but I was hoping he would see things or see me for who I am and would want to come back anyhow. From time to time I feel stupid for trying to believe in him, still being there for him and keeping contact with him and just wanna break it off because it feels like I might get used by him, but I just can’t do it. That’s mostly because he shuts me down as soon as I ask some more personal questions about us, he doesn’t want to answer them and saying we should take it as it comes and that it’s not the right time for those discussions and he also said that he thought it became kinda relationshippy quickly after the first time we met and he slept over, he’s usually at work at night when I have asked.
Regarding what I want, I suppose I’ve been hoping that he would come back, or at least showing more that he doesn’t want someone else and realising what he had. I guess I’ve been hoping it would develop a way to come back to eachother in the end, all this, but I am not sure it will. Well, I don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone else then him or can see myself with anyone else, right now at least, maybe has to do with the way we talk and having hope for finding eachother again since it’s just a bit over two months since it ended between us, but I am not sure it will come to that because I don’t know where I have him. But also because I think it’s good for me, so I can grow as a person and be more safe in myself then I’ve been.
I am just confused, happy most of the time but then I also get sad and upset, missing him and us and get hurt again and want to push him away because I feel that I maybe get used for having the kind heart I have and being who I am. I just don’t know what to do with all this, trying as much as I can to go with the flow and see what happens, not being too clingy or needy but yeah.
Cissi
Hi Kanya,
Thank you for your response!
He and his girlfriend broke up a few days ago, he told me that after he wrote that he missed me. I also asked him if it was really over between them and if they still have contact with eachother and want to see what happens further ahead and that I didn’t want to pry or anything. Then he said it’s private so I just told him that I feel that I don’t want to get intimate with him, if he’s going to try to get back with her again because I don’t want to be used for pleasure, for comfort or for filling a empty hole, temporary, if that’s the case. He thought it was heavy to read but that he understands me and then he told me that he won’t try to get back with her, that it’s over between them. I asked him why he miss me and then he just replied that he miss me, that he miss the comfort we had with eachother and that he’s horny. He also said “I am not saying we’re going get back together, don’t know what will happen to be honest” and added “not saying it’s the best or smartest idea though either”. So then I asked him “What if we see what happens with time, where it might go, take it bit by bit as it comes and then see what we want ourselves, how does that sound? And meanwhile we can just have fun and enjoy eachothers company”.
He thought it sounded good, but that we both should work on ourselves too, do your own things, experience new things and do stuff alone. That the safety from the old shouldn’t be there 24/7 and yet still enjoy eachothers company etc now and then and then he said “But I don’t want to go into a relationship again for a while…I need to process” and then I told him that I don’t want to go into one either now, hence why I said we’ll see what happens with time, take it bit by bit and see where it goes.
I am trying to step back, I don’t usually start the conversations we have or try to get us to meet. But he’s writing a lot to me, he always write once a day to start a conversation and yesterday he asked if we could meet after I quit work, to watch series or something together and I said yes and then he slept over, and when he was here, he wanted to cuddle a lot and even kissed me. He’s the one taking initiatives.
/Cissi
