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Hi Kanya,
Yes, been like that since my first relationship I had when I was 14 years old. So that can be a factor, but I guess it also can have something to do with my dad again, since I didn’t feel as prioritized as his new wife and my two younger siblings or that he made much time for me and felt abandoned by him.
That is pretty interesting, I haven’t heard of it before. Right now, I don’t really know what I want in so many aspects and areas, I am pretty confused about a lot for the time being. I feel kind of fed up with a lot of things, but I don’t know what I want instead, feels like I am stomping around in the same place.
I am open to explore my patterns, a lot more to be honest, but I don’t think I know them all either. I will check out the book, thank you for the suggestion!
Hi Kanya,
Yes, it’s really sad and heartbreaking when it’s time for our furry friends to leave us. Yes, it’s really important to care for them through out their life, however they are doing! I understand what you’re saying and I can connect with it.
Yes, he was there more like a friend, it just meant a lot that he actually seems to care about me. In the weekend that was he talked to me more than before. Didn’t leave me hanging on unread, or answering a few times and then waited a day before answering, the response were kind of faster. Maybe it was more of support though because now he’s withdrawn again a little. I just let it be though, I am only noticing and I am not responding directly when he writes either. But it felt like he was writing a lot, maybe because he feels that I am withdrawing more, he usually do that, because I was short in my answers and then he tried to have the conversation going coming up with questions.
Yes, I have, I’ve been in several relationships, but none of it has been close to what I had with him or the feelings I had/still have a little I guess. But I’ve never really looked back that hard on my past relationships before. I’ve just moved on even if it’s been taking a while, because I am the one that usually gets hurt or something happens that hurts me feeling like I am not enough for anyone because it’s always been another girl.
/Cissi
Hi Heidi,
I think I understand, I suppose that I have to work more with the radical trust. Don’t think I have ever done it before much or have a hard time thinking like that. I am dealing with a lot of emotions right now, had to take my family’s cat to the vet yesterday, it was his time and I’ve been so sad and crying a lot, so I don’t think all the sadness and crying was just for him. It’s been about this too. He gave me a lot of support yesterday though but then he disappeared again, waiting a long time to respond, been like this since a week or so back, even more after wednesday this week.
Hi Kanya,
I understand your point.
What do you mean with radical trust in this situation? For now it’s hard for me to see it since I still have a lot of emotions inside of me. No, I don’t think I havet actually really.Hi Heidi,
Thank you Heidi, it means a lot to hear that! I am trying my best, though it’s hard from time to time.
I actually haven’t thought about it that much, how it would be without him in my life. I don’t know if it has to do with that I am used to have him in my life and that I have invested so much time and so much of me into our relationship. It makes sense what you say about it coming from clarity and wisdom instead and that it would make the relationship better. But what if it never comes to it? If I take space and a break from him and then realises that I still want him in my life and it’s too late for that then? Then I’ll probably regret it for a long time and not feel very well about it.
/Cissi
Hi Kanya,
Yes, perhaps it’s common in these situations, since it’s been very forth and back and all that has happened in between then and now, even though we broke up 3 months ago soon..
I suppose it’s fear that I will lose him as a future friend since we’re talking some now again, and if I take space and create distance from talking with him now, it might ruin that or something, since he’s started to take small initiatives again, with writing and asking me about things. That’s mostly if I haven’t answered him for a while though, hm.
By the way, I actually reached out and booked a time with a therapist today as well!
/Cissi
Maybe the only thing I can do right now is keeping distance and create space, to have a chance for that to happen. Is there really nothing else I can do? Because for some reason I feel at peace with our relationship as friends only, right now, from my part at least. Because I realised a lot last week when it escalated and understood/saw everything in another way, and feel kind of secure that I sort of decided then and there, friends only for now.
I just want to move forward from it and create the best possible relationship as it can be between us right now, if you understand what I mean? Or is this my ghosts talking again, I get really confused with knowing what can be ghosts and what actually can be my real feelings at the moment, I kind of mistrust and questioning myself a lot.
Hi Kanya,
Thank you! I looked her up and ended up with ordering all 4 of her books. Thought it could be good to read them all perhaps!
I will try to keep distance and create space, try to not let my fear get the upper hand. But I do think that I still want to keep him in my life as a friend, maybe not a good idea right now but in the future, but I don’t know how I can move towards that result. I do think differently and see the situation differently, just want it to be civil, easygoing, chill and relaxed now though if we talk to eachother.
I’ll try to think like that, it’s just really hard for me to do it because I turn and lift the rock at every corner looking and searching for answers.
Yes, it makes sense and I’ll try!
/Cissi
Hi Heidi,
It makes sense what you write about me being co-dependent. I feel myself that I don’t have the qualities in balance, and I haven’t for a long time since I’ve adjusted so much after others.
What should and can I do to overcome this? I don’t know where to start or what to do.
He wrote to me the other day and apologized for what he wrote to me, the mean words and how hard he was on me. I only thanked him and said that I appreciated it first, and then I wrote the day after and asked him how he was doing and we’ve talked a little, but I am the one that has been most driven, trying to have a light conversation just to not having it end badly between us again. I don’t like when things ends bad between me and others because it stresses me up and makes me think a lot about where it went bad, how it got there in the very first place and if I could have done anything differently to prevent it, hence why I did it this time. What should I do now when I’ve tried to make it more relaxed and easygoing between us, should I stop asking questions and stop trying to be able to have a light conversation with him, to create space instead and let him come to me if that would be the case? How should I proceed to make him want to keep me in his life, so he feels and realise that I am worth keeping since he has said, before all this escalated like it did, that he thinks I am a good person, that he likes me and a lot of my qualities and enjoy my company, should I just stay away and see if he starts missing me in his life and make him work for it? Or what should I do when he answers me next time, if he does? Or am I just an idiot right now? I still remember what you’ve written before but I have a hard time letting relationships end just like that in that way.. Another problem I have I guess..
/Cissi
Hi Kanya,
No, my father wasn’t the best on balancing the relationships. My stephmom kind of came in to our lives and started changing a lot. I remember one night, I don’t know if I had a nightmare or if I just wanted to sleep together with my dad, because I did that a lot when I was little and I wasn’t allowed into the bedroom at all, I guess I was 7-9 years old at that time so I kind of took my blanket and pillow and just layed it all down on the floor infront of the bedroom door and fell asleep crying there.
Later when my two younger siblings where born, I moved to my mum’s because it felt like my father didn’t have time for me since my siblings where so little at that time and needed a lot of time and attention. A few years later they moved into the city and shortly after that, they moved to London for 3 years, which also felt like I got pushed even further away from him and his family. When me and my older sister got older and older they also stopped asking if we wanted to come with them on vacations, even though my stephmum’s mother was invited to come with them everytime because the two of them are close with eachother. My older sister was kicked out from my fathers home earlier because she and my stephmum didn’t come along with eachother and she moved to my father because she and my mum didn’t get along and argued a lot, and she wanted to live in the city, close to everything. My father isn’t the one that likes to talk a lot about emotional stuff, he doesn’t like conflicts and it felt like he didn’t stand up for me and my older sister when we grew up. I don’t remember that much more about it, to be honest.
I just got an urge to write to my ex as well, just to see how he’s doing, but I am not sure if that is a good idea right now.
/Cissi
Hi Kanya,
Thank you. I have been starting to realise it now, I think it’s after what happened in the week and what was said, because the situation is different now, we’re not together, we’ve been friends with benefits and I don’t deserve being treated like that even if I might have pushed him into a corner wanting answers so I could know for sure myself what the situation was like. Not after being there for him or doing so much for him, both now but also in the past.
Yes, I am open to exploring it more. I brought it up before when I met a therapist a couple of years ago, but I didn’t see that my behaviour was related to it, like it feels like I have started seeing now and I appreciate all help I can get.
It makes sense, it sounds like. I don’t know exactly when it all happened or when it got triggered though, it’s just a hunch I have, that it happened sometime after he met his current wife. The example you brought up with the oxygen mask kind of hit bullseye!
/Cissi
Hi Heidi,
Of course it hurts a little in the moment, but I don’t believe that I am all of those things or that it’s true, maybe in his head it is, at the moment, but not in mine or others that know me. But I do understand what you’re saying, I just don’t know if it’s because it’s gone that far with him, that I didn’t stop it before, because I was thinking of all the good things, how good he’s been most of the times and what he has said after he’s said all those things, that I try to believe in the good and see all the good in him instead. No, I haven’t had parents, siblings or anyone close to me that I know of that has treated me this way, but I did kind of feel abandoned by my father when I was younger after my parents divorced and he met his current wife.
I’ve always been looking out for, caring and prioritizing making others feel good, since I was a little kid, making others happy and focused on people around me. Always being there whenever someone has needed a friend, a shoulder to cry on, ventilating etc. I don’t know if this has been an effect after I started to feel abandoned by my father, to do everything in my power to not be abandoned again when it comes to people that is close to me, adjusting and forgetting myself, forgetting to love myself and work on myself because my focus has been on everyone around me. I don’t know any other way I think, because I’ve been doing it for sooo long.
I know that is the only way, and he started to see a psychologist a month/two months ago, starting working on himself and that makes me not wanting to lose hope for him, that he is a lost cause or something, to help him/support him in that way so he has someone believing in him, believing that he can become better, being able to grow. And it feels like it’s starting to help him, seeing someone, or what I’ve seen until a couple of days ago, starting to help him think differently, see things differently because this is the first time it happened in a very long time. Another reason that I’ve been staying around.
He actually answered today on what I wrote to him in the week, instead of lashing out or something. That we can be friends in a while, but for now he wants distance and need to process it all, alone. I haven’t answered it though.
I am actually thinking about it, going to see someone. Because I just realised when I wrote this message, that I have no clue how to prioritize myself, focusing on myself, taking care of myself because I’ve always had my eyes on everyone else, focusing on them instead of me, of fear of rejection or losing someone/being abandoned by someone close to me. I am pretty lost myself but I haven’t paid attention to it, to myself
/Cissi
Hi Heidi,
I still haven’t responded or written anything else to him after everything he wrote, he also said that I destroy every chance to a good ending between us and said “Hope you think your little text message was worth it”. That I need to see a psychologist, because I don’t have any self-esteem or self-respect and that I need help and that he hope I realise that.
It was like this when we were together as well before, he lashed out and then he came back to say sorry. Because I saw how much he cared then too about me, when everything was great and good, and I accepted it. It’s been a bit of an angel or a devil with him, depending on how he has been doing himself, if he’s been feeling good or feeling down and he lack communication skills. When it comes to emotional, personal things or when being in a relationship, he lash out instead if something isn’t good or doesn’t feel right, he’s very bad at having a communication like that with anyone. He did the same thing to his new girlfriend, broke her down like he did with me, but it’s still my fault according to him. I think I’ve gotten so used to it by now, this behaviour, that I don’t really register it in the same way like before, don’t believe it in the same way or get that hurt by it anymore.
Sadly enough, I try to always see the good in people, having hope, believing it can be better, always stick my neck out when someone is feeling down, always being there because I believe in the good, trying not to let the bad stuff win and having faith. I am like that with everyone that I care about or know.
But I won’t write anything to him now, not gonna try to fix it like I have before or talk to him, but I am wondering if you think he might come back, because he has done it before several times when these situations has appeared. But might be different now too though, since he blames me or for us having contact with eachother, that is was the reason why his next relationship with the love of his life got destroyed, even though I asked if they were seeing eachother, two times, and he denied it both times and that’s why it happened, wouldn’t have happened otherwise in the first place if I knew.
I don’t know if I’ll be able to reject/deny him if he comes back, because I know all the good sides he has too and still care about him, but I’ll try. But I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough or if I’ll think about the good sides in him and that it might have changed, this behaviour. But I’ll try to focus on myself for now, do my own things, find my missing pieces again and see if I can get whole again.
/Cissi
I think I have had a difficult time both accepting it and understanding it, and that I question the answers I recieve since it’s been mixed signals. That was the first time he wrote everything, never heard it all before.
Hi Kanya,
I don’t know, I think it’s too late and too destroyed now. He lashed out on me yesterday when I said that I’ve understod the situation, that I won’t bring anything up regarding us or a relationship anymore and if we just could leave these heavy stuff behind us and just have it easygoing, chill, relaxed and just fun instead. That I respect what he said to me and if we can move on forward since it seems like we got the end we didn’t get before.
So he wrote that he wanted me to leave him alone, that there’s no way forward and that he wants to move on. That I am bad for him, that he was unfaithful against his one true love because he kept the contact with me and blamed that the relationship went to hell because of me, our contact and keeping me in his life. Called me a lot of stuff, that I am being selfish, that he doesn’t care, that I am pathetic, spoiled, an idiot, retarded, that I push him into corners, that I am a virus in his life, said fuck you, said I was fucked up etc. I didn’t answer on any of it.
Half an hour later after this happened and he lashed out, he had apparently sent an e-mail to my closest female co-worker asking how she was doing, if she had vacation or still working, and they don’t talk with eachother at all otherwise. So felt like he tried to get revenge on me somehow and she suspected that he wrote that e-mail because we had a fight with eachother or something, she didn’t know we just had one either, I told her that after she told me he had sent e-mail to her.
I am gonna stay away now, or at least try to do it, not gonna try to fix things this time or something, make things good since he doesn’t seem to care anyhows or respect me. Do you think he will come back after he has calmed down or something?
