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Hi Kanya,
He responded that he understood me completely, that he wouldn’t and that I am right. So I said thank you, and asked what I was right about. Also wrote and told him that I wanted to clarify that it’s not about romance or hope anymore, since it feels like he still think I see him romantically or having hope, that right now it’s all about our friendship. He answered that I have the right to feel, think and demand what I do. And he answered “Alright, good” about the other thing. So then I got confused, asking if it was correct how I felt about what had happened, if that was the case of how it was. Then he responded “Goddamnit badonki, it’s correct that you feel that way and experience it that way. Not that I see it like that or that it was my intention”, so I just replied “Oki”.
I don’t think he’ll turn to me to be his therapist or that he will ask if I want to hang out with him, not anymore. He hasn’t tried to make it better or anything these last days so. I was on my way writing and asking a thing about or for the sake of our friendship, that I feel like our friendship is shifting from time to time, how much it means and I mean, the worth and value of it. Like it is determind/dependent on and affected by other things, if I am correct about it or not, and that it actually should be independent from other things. But I never did.
I might be, I don’t know, all this stirred up a lot of emotions, I have been sad from time to time, because I will probably lose him totally and I never wanted that. He will never prioritize me or our friendship, try to make it better or see the value of me or anything as long as he is going on and off with her, or for as long as I am going to be in his life and all this is going on at the same time, because everything gets affected by their relationship, including ours. Or he does, but he doesn’t show it very much then.
What I meant with not losing hope, I think that goes back to myself when I was little. That I felt unworthy and like people didn’t see the potential in me or valued me, and I don’t want to give up on anyone, their potential or value, so they don’t feel like I did. That they know they have someone who see’s the good in them through all the bad that’s happened, that will still be there caring even when they’re im a bad place. I am not sure. That’s what I have started to do at least, but it hurts a lot and stirs up emotions like I don’t know what, thinking about all the good memories and moments we’ve had, all the good parts that still outweigh more bad things for me, the things he wrote, for example that the time we had together still is the best time of his life and that my e-mail I sent him led to a lot of good, that he’s happy that he met me and the time we had together, that he said he was sorry as he did, writing to me several days even though I didn’t answered, it felt like he was trying then.
I don’t write to him anymore by myself, starting a conversation with him or any of that. Haven’t done it since friday.
But our contact will probably end soon anyway it feels like, because I put up boundaries now and I feel like I have less and less to say to him or talk to him about anymore because of what has happened.
Hi Kanya,
I just answered and asked, how I should take it and how he want this to go. He said he doesn’t want us to become strangers, but he also doesn’t want the past to continue to come up or that we should be eachothers therapists, judge eachothers relationships or choices if we don’t ask for it ourselves. So I just told him then that he shouldn’t turn or come to me wanting to be intimate, have closeness or comfort or whatever the reason now is he does it, as long as this on and off thing is going to go on. That I feel used, non important/doesn’t mean anything to him in any other way because of it, also said that I hope he understands that and doesn’t make me out to be a drama queen or whatever because of it. Also told him that none of what I have said is because I feel romantically or hope for anything, that I haven’t felt for him like that for some time now and wanted to clarify that because it feels like he still see’s and think of it that way.
I don’t know, maybe all the memories we’ve had with eachother and have a hard time letting go of that and the person I am, trying to hold on to people doing what I can not giving up hope about another person. I am not sure.
/Cissi
What should I do now, after this? I haven’t replied, just got sad when I read it all.. I am sorry for spamming so much..
He sent me several messages during the night where he wrote:
“I am sorry for everything mean I’ve said and done. You should know that I think you are one of the best, kindest and most beautiful people I’ve met and the time we had together, was the best time of my life.
You’ve never deserved to hear what I’ve said or to endure all my outbursts, it’s never been appropriate. Feels like I’ve tainted what we had because of what I’ve said and done, and I am sorry for that. I really really really really hope you become happy and find satisfaction and a real man who treats you proper and with grace and respect. Sorry for everything badonki.
I am so happy that I got to meet you and to experience the time we had with eachother.”And this morning he sent another text message where he wrote “Sorry badonki” and I replied hours later saying “I don’t know what to say” and then he replied “I understand that” pretty quick. Didn’t respond to it.
He sent me a message yesterday morning after he quit his shift and said sorry for being mean, haven’t replied to that or any of the other still. Doesn’t show that I have read it either since I turned off that other people can see when I’ve read things.
And I am not really sure if not answering on that is the smartest move or not, since I don’t know how he will take it, if he will think he’s right about me if I don’t say anything, that I still see him romantically in that case, since I am not replying or something like that on it. Or if he actually will see that it’s not as it has been before, that it’s different from my side for just letting it be, not saying anything this time as I normally would have done before about it.
I guess if he actually cares about me and want me in his life, he will write when he has calmed down and if he doesn’t, he don’t I suppose. 🤷♀️ Either way I am not going to write to him and I am going to take a break for now, I think, if my feelings stays like this, because I am starting to feel fed up about it all right now..😒
Before this got brought up we had a chill and nice conversation, about what we had done in the week, a little about his plants that he bought beforea nd how it was going with them, about books I had bought and reading, about my neighbour complimenting my balcony furniture randomly, he sent pictures to show how his balcony looked since he had bought furniture to it and fixed it a bit, that he wanted me to let him know how an app is that I recently downloaded, that is for women, where you can meet and get to know new friends(women), try new stuff, hobbies etc. He thought it sounded really cool and a really good idea. He asked about the books I had bought, thought they sounded really good and interesting and wondered which one I would start with. 🤷♀️
Hi Kanya,
Thank you, I try at least! But regarding this I am starting to give up and that it feels like it is almost impossible.
Asked him yesterday if he was seeing her again, since rumours circulates around them at work, people that start their shift in the morning when they go off theirs have been noticing them since three weeks back, which I told him as well. Wrote like this “Uhm, I am sorry for asking, but are you and *name* seeing eachother or something again? 😅 Was just thinking about what happened two weeks ago, nothing else..and just to tell you, it’s circulating rumours about you guys at work, it’s the day-shift that’s been seeing and noticing things about three weeks ago when you’ve switched with eachother, I don’t know when or where, just heard it..haven’t told anyone myself, just asked because of what happened two weeks ago, nothing else, don’t want to stick my nose in your relationship in any way 😅😅” Also said “I know that you said before that you wouldn’t get back together again, but you never know 😅 things can change hehe :)” and as well “I know what you said before (meaning he wouldn’t be unfaithful again), haven’t forgotten, just got a bit worried and wanted to check with you, that’s all 🙇♀️ Hope it’s okay”. So he told me that they were seeing eachother again and are together, that it’s been on and off again and that it’s recently they got together again and that he wouldn’t lie to me about it and that he didn’t mind me asking and that he would have done the same and asked what the day-shift had seen and noticed. Wrote to him “I don’t know. When did you start seeing eachother? So I guess you’re together again? 😅 She still doesn’t know about before I guess either? So he said “Yes, we are. No, she doesn’t. Pretty recently, been on and off kind of. What exactly have you heard?” Replied “After what happened..? Still? 🤨 Just that people have seen you talking a lot and walking with eachother. I guess it didn’t take long before you got together again after it ende and you told me you wouldn’t get back with her and it was over ^^ and I suppose those times we’ve met after that is because it’s been off between you? 😅” Got a bit baffled about that they’re still doing this on and off thing, as it’s been like that since they started seeing eachother three months ago, it just goes a week or two and then they’re off and it’s the same amount of time until they’re together again. It’s worse and even more unstable then it was when we two were together, this on and off thing, didn’t tell him that though, just thought it to myself.
Then he replied and said “Who told you this? Stays between us of course. So I guess you’re angry with me right now” and since he didn’t reply clearly on my question about if it’s been off between them, I asked him again “So was it after you got together or not that it happened?”. He got confused and asked “What”, so I replied again “Yeah, did it happen after you got together again? Or was it in between” He replied “What happened” so clarfied “Two weeks ago? When I was at your place” and then he said “we had split up then obviously”. So I asked “Do you even care how I feel about it all?”, I referred to when he wrote that he guessed I was angry with him, and he replied “Yes, but I have kinda shut down because everything has become so fucked up. Gets too much/hard if I think about it, just trying to move forward.” So then I replied “Aight, but sometimes you have to go through things even though it’s hard, to be able to move forward, but it’s up to you how you handle it and what you do about it.” and then he said that he didn’t want to talk about it, said good night and sleep tight, have a nice weekend. Sorry for everything.” I replied two times but deleted those after a while, he wrote “..?” this morning when he saw it. So i just asked if he has shut down generally, or if it’s just when it comes to me and our friendship and he replied “What do you mean with our friendship, we’re still talking” and I just said “I know, didn’t mean that, was just thinking about what you wrote yesterday, didn’t mean anything else”.
And then a wave of messages came and he wrote “Honestly I regret that we didn’t break off our contact totally, because then I wouldn’t have done what I did and we’re returning to this everytime, the negativity, the energy consumed. You’re taking every opening to return to the same subject. I know that it’s my fault, but if I had broken off the contact totally and if you would have left me alone when I asked you too, it would never have happened. And again, you take every little opening to return to the same mode and act like a therapist. My evening got destroyed yesterday, why are you even writing, what do you get out of this, you’re torturing yourself. Leave me alone, meet someone new and move on”
I was on my way replying and explain to him, I prepared a message and all but then I just felt “No, I can’t be arsed” and never sent it. Just felt fed up, I didn’t mean anything romantically at all with anything I wrote, I meant me and him, and our friendship and how he was doing in general.
I prepared this:
“I didn’t talk about what happened before, I was talking about here and now when I wrote what I did before and the last thing I wrote to you yesterday.
I didn’t talk about you guys, it’s off limits and doesn’t concern me, I respect that and I don’t want or will stick my nose in your relationship. If I would have wanted that I would have asked or said something more about it if that was the case, I would probably have written differently than I actually did too, would have been the same if I still felt romantically about you.
The other thing I was talking about and meant was about you and me as friends, our friendship and how you were doing in general. I apologize if you took it in any other way, if it reminded you about something else or if it was unclear in the way that I wrote and if it made you feel bad, that wasn’t my intention.
I am not torturing myself, I have moved on. I have only seen you as a friend that is important to me for some time now, it hasn’t been like before. Absolutely, I’ve shown a genuinely interest, shown that I’ve cared for you, that you were important, that I’ve been here but I’ve talked and meant it all as a friend, that’s it. It doesn’t have to be that you want something or that you have an underlying thought about something just because you wonder genuinely how someone are or care for someone. I just wanted to clarify that, I won’t argue, discuss or fight or something like that with you about this, if you think or believe something else, you’re free to do that and if you don’t want to have me in your life, okay. Take care and good luck at work this weekend.”
/Cissi
Hi Kanya,
I am trying not to see him romantically or anything like that, just as a friend, just got confused over his behaviour.
If he write to me, I don’t respond the second I get it, usually I let it go a while before I respond or let it be overnight depends on when he writes.
I am not trying to invest in the relationship romantically either, I am just trying to let it be easygoing and friendly, I don’t initate sex or something like that at all.I haven’t decided yet what the decision is going to be, some days I feel like I am done and some days that I am not done. Right now I am in the middle, and see what happens with time regarding it all, how I am going to feel with time. It makes sense what you’re saying but at the same time I am not really waiting for him either, not consciously what I know of.
Last night he was suggesting that we still could start with a hobby that we were planning on starting with when we were together with eachother, and I responded that “Yeah, I guess we could do that, maybe”.
I’ll think about taking a break, might do some good honestly. In general I think I am someone that holds on to things and people, trying to have the best relationship I can with them instead of letting them go and grieve it all.
/Cissi
Hi Kanya,
I am mostly confused by his actions, and think a lot, since I kind of changed my intentions with our relationship after last time he lashed out on me. My mind is set on friends still, just getting confused by him and what he does.
He said it once, that she probably was the love of his life, and that he felt more for her in a week then he ever felt for me during the time we were together and this was when he was mad and angry. People I’ve talked to about it, that know our relationship history and been there through it, think that he may have a hard time letting me go and maybe just have said it to hurt me, since he has said things to hurt me before when he’s been mad, including himself as well. He said it was mostly because himself again, that it was unstable because of him, he treated her as he treated me and it was just a matter of time before she was going to leave him. But I’ve asked myself the same thing, why was he unfaithful towards her from the beginning with me in that case and when it ended a week after that happened and I asked him if he were gonna try to get back with her. He said no, that it was over and done and that he wasn’t gonna try to get back with her, this was before he told me that she was the love of his life. If she was the love of his life, don’t you do everything to keep that person in that case not wanting to lose that person?
My self esteem got kind of hurt yes, because I thought things were starting to go back to a normal friendship before that happened. This whole week has been okay for now, just talking with eachother and he shows some interest in having the conversation going with me. I’ve been trying to pull back but it’s like he feels it or something, because then he’s trying to keep the conversation going and shows a lot of interest. And yes, I felt a little like a booty call then, after he got sucked into his phone after we were intimate, but we still talked a little, he also offered me dinner though that evening, asking if I was hungry, we talked as well about some things but I don’t know. I am still in a battle though with trying to see if I can have a life without him or not as well.
Yes, of course I do want a healthy and loving relationship, but I am not ready for one either, I need to work on myself a lot more before going in to one. I am trying not to see him romantically at all at the moment, just trying to figure him out. And I tried to pull back to see what he was gonna do then as well and he showed more interest. But maybe I am just a comfort for him right now, but I am unsure and he is a very complicated person.
/Cissi
Hi Kanya,
I will try to do that, I am just not sure myself about anything right now. But I will try to do a list about it and see if it helps and make me see clearer.
I don’t know what he is doing to be honest. I met him last week since he asked if I wanted to watch one together and even called me to ask that when I hadn’t replied on his text or read it, new season and all, I went there with my mind set as a friend, no hopes or intentions with it all, we watched an episode, we got intimate (he initiated it, wanted me to move over to his couch and cuddle, holding and hug eachother, laying near eachother..he called me Babe and Badonki several times, just noticed it), we or, I, watched the next episode because he got caught up in the phone after we had been intimate with eachother. I slept over since it got late, he suggested it before I even got to him though, that I could sleep there and when I was looking at booking a cab when it got late, he said it again. I went to bed first, he stayed in the living room with his phone then so it felt like he wasn’t interested in hanging out with me in one way, but on the other he got kind of hyped sometimes and blurted out once “BADONKI! Snuggles! Let’s sleep in the couch!” waving his arms, when I was already half-sleeping sort of in the sofa. It was different this time, we didn’t hold eachother or something like that when we slept what I know of. The morning after I went up and made myself ready to leave directly, he was in the kitchen doing the dishes, so I just popped my head around the corner and said I was going when I was done. He wished me well and said “Take care, see you, maybe” and I just said “Yeah maybe, bye” and walked to the door, and when I was about to close the door I heard him say something and I saw his shadow coming from the kitchen, but I just closed the door, and a second later he opened it and wanted a hug. After that he withdrew again, waiting a long time with responding, didn’t show much interest so I felt a bit dumb thinking things were going back to normal and that we could have it easygoing, chill etc with eachother, then he was there for me when we put our cat to sleep as I told you, telling me that our cat appreciated to have me there in the end, his Cissi, and two days or so after that he showed more interest again talking to me, trying to have the conversation going because I was a bit short in my answers towards him after what happened when I had been at his place.
I am not sure what’s happening, he has told me that he can’t see us in a relationship, being together with eachother and that he is not attracted enough to me for it, also that he told me that he was more in love with the other woman after a week then he ever was with me, and that our friendship and decision keeping contact with eachother after we broke up coloured of on his new relationship and led him to being unfaithful against the love of his life and because he has said that he doesn’t feel that way about me anymore either. I am going after that but then it’s this, the bringing up our roadtrip randomly or as soon as he hears something about the area, that we succeeded with making a lot of memories in such a short time during that trip. I just get confused, maybe he just misses the trip we did together. He brings up series we watched together, also randomly coming to think of them, writing to me about them saying that the next seasons for them probably should come soon. It’s just weird.
And no, I don’t think he’s ready for it if that now would be the case, which I don’t know if it is either, since he’s told me about how much he felt for her comparing with me and what he has said about her being the love of his life, I don’t think he’s over her either. I am having patience regarding this, I am not writing as much to him anymore or going after him, just having easy conversations. Of course I think a lot and notice things but I don’t act on them, I am not asking any questions about it either, I just let it be and just trying to simply be and see what happens with time!
Still trying to focus on myself mostly and my things, prioritize myself and my needs, and again thank you for the suggestion of making a list and start journaling, I will try it out even if it seems a bit hard hehe.
/Cissi
Hi Kanya,
I don’t know which area I would start with, I kind of just feel stuck but I don’t know why and what I want to change. I don’t know if it has to do with everything in the relationship with my ex that’s been, or if it’s because I had my first week back at work after vacation. I want to change something but I don’t know what I want instead, I just feel stuck, like I am running this rat race over and over, losing more and more valuable time that I can do something with.
How should I take this by the way, he’s been writing about our roadtrip we made last year several times in a short time, very randomly as well, they talked about a place we were to on the radio and he wrote instantly to me about it, also that he really misses that trip, that it was really relaxing, that it was the best trip he’s ever made.
/Cissi
