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Hi Kanya,
I am proud that I actually was honest about it, since I usually don’t want to tell someone or say anything that might upset them in any way and might make them mad.
Yes, maybe, depending on if we reach that point or not. I am trying to be patient but it feels like I am being pulled in two different directions so it’s a bit hard to keep my head clear right now in this situation. But I must say that we’ve done a great job with it all.
I am not sure when we’re going to meet again too be honest, I think he might would of had asked me today when he asked what I had planned for today, not really sure though, since I already had plans meeting with an old friend.
/Cissi
Hi Kanya,
Thanks Kanya! I appreciate it.
To be honest, it felt good to express myself as I did, because it made me feel stronger in myself and made me feel lighter in a way. I am trying my best!He wrote to me later that evening and asked me if it was okay if we discuss/that he answers on what he has learned next time we meet up with eachother, because it feels more natural for him. Not sure what we’re going to discuss with eachother about though, if he’s just going to tell me what he has learned. So I said “Yeah sure, just sounded so serious when you said “when it feels right to do it” sort of”. So then he answered “No, it’s not serious haha but you know how I am with long text messages, feels weird man”. So I wrote that I understand.
I hope he can be honest and open up as well about what he has learned. Thank you Kanya, it makes me happy to hear you say that, it means a lot! I am proud and kind of give myself a pat on the back for being as honest as I’ve been and daring to open up a little. I feel a bit vulnerable as well and very unsure about things though. Still feel I miss him a lot, still have hope and want more, but I am trying not to let those feelings take over me, I am sort of trying to push them away for now, not sure if that’s the right thing to do either. But I want to see where I have him and what he shows me first of all, in all this, since I feel that I am a little afraid, uncertain and don’t really feel comfortable with putting myself out there first and being vulnerable.
/Cissi
He asked what I learned from our relationship yesterday.
I told him that I have learned to stand up for myself more, that I shouldn’t have to adjust to others constantly to be seen as “worthy” and for people to be happy with me, because it has had the opposite effect because I haven’t shown or respected myself in that way. That it is a severe mistake I have been doing through out my life, so I have forgotten and lost myself. That I am enough and should be accepted/respected for who I am and the whole package that comes with me, my family, my friends, hobbies etc.
But that I also should be able to be open in case my partner has suggestions on improvements, for my own sake not their own, so that I am able to grow and move forward. I should still be accepted/respected for who I am and what comes with me, my life, in case my partner wouldn’t be happy/satisfied with some things, they still has to show me respect as a person. But that I still need to work on some stuff when it comes to myself. I also said that I learned that I shouldn’t be with the one I am together with 24/7, because it doesn’t exist room for me to grow/develop in that case on my own, that you still need to be independent when it comes to yourself, continue with your own interests and continue to hang out with your own friends and have your own time, but at the same time adjust to the relationship in a moderate way/level. Not sink as low as I did and be that desperate as I was to be accepted, be seen and valued in the other person’s eyes, to be able to leave a relationship if that person you’re together with can’t see me, value me or appreciate me for who I am. If I haven’t done anything wrong, hurt that person in a really bad way or messed up in any way, then the situation is totally different.
I also said that I have learned that I need a partner that I can communicate with in case something would happen. Since communication is crucial in a relationship, that actually both parties actively talk and listens to eachother if something happens, in an adult and mature way, that both take responsibility and do not turn on one another/try to diminish the other one in any way. That I learned that both parties needs to meet half way to make things work in the relationship, that both are willing and has the will-power to do what it takes to make it work, to be able to meet half way if they don’t want to lose the other person and are afraid of losing the other one, since it’s teamwork. As well that I learned to go on what the other person is showing, not saying.
Said that I probably learned a lot more that I haven’t thought of in the moment though.
He was going to answer me later in the evening what he had learned, but he never did, so I said today that he never told me yesterday what he learned. He replied that he would do it when he had the time and when it feels right to do it (he’s free so time is not the issue here, so probably has to do with the second), and that he hasn’t forgotten. I have no idea what to expect or what he will say, if it’s something good or bad since he said it like he did, “when it feels right to do it”.
/Cissi
Hi Kanya,
Yes, I am trying not to fall back as I have done before, really trying not to at this point. Yes, it is much more difficult and vulnerable now then it was before it feels like and I am not sure why, maybe because we’ve been talking so deep with eachother and maybe because I’ve realised that I am not over him like I thought I was. Think I have mostly suppressed those feelings.
I suppose I just have to get through it, even though it’s hard, if I want to come out on the other side and reach whatever might be there.
I am not sure, maybe to see if I am trustworthy, he knows how I’ve been talking earlier when I’ve got really emotional and hurt. I usually need to talk to someone about things and vent. But I am a bit unsure as well why he asked. Yes, I know, and I don’t think he will ever tell her either, maybe because he doesn’t want to hurt her and maybe because he said that he would never do it again since he felt really bad for it afterwards, but I don’t know.
He called me babe twice during the time we saw eachother, he corrected himself though each time, but felt a bit weird that he did that since it’s been some time since we broke up and since he has been together with someone else too. He stills call me badonki as well, more now then he did before. Was a bit weird when we met, I think we both didn’t know how to act around eachother and felt a bit awkward. But we had a good day though all in all and a nice kayaking tour.
/Cissi
Hi Kanya,
After the weekend that was, the communication hasn’t been flowing like it did before we talked and I told him that I want to have a solid ground to stand on as friends, first of all, and not be intimate with him or be a rebound in any way right now. I told him that I am still here as a friend though if he wants to talk or something.
I asked if we were still going kayaking tomorrow, and that it looked like the weather was going to be awesome. He then said that he would love to do that but that he wanted to go to the gym first and said that we maybe could do it in the afternoon instead. I said sure and told him that I thought he was going to cancel first, he then said “nah, as friends :)”. So I told him then that I didn’t say it was like something else and asked if he thought I saw it like something else than friends. He then replied “Nope, just to clarify. Maybe I wrote it for my own sake, I don’t know, sorry.”. I got a bit confused and uncomfortable by it. In the middle of that conversation he asked as well “Cissi, honestly, have you told anyone about what’s happened? Last months. You know what I mean.”. I lied and said that I hadn’t, because I felt dumb for doing it in the first place because I was an emotional wreck and because I am past that now and the one’s that know, won’t say anything either about it and I’ve learned, as well being scared of what could happen if I told him that I have and I don’t want to hurt him with it either. So I asked him what it was about and then he said “Okey, just wondering. Really nothing”. So I just answered “Okay, have a nice evening, talk soon”. But then he wanted the conversation to continue so he said “You too!” and asked what I was going to do and we talked a bit more.
I am not really sure how I want it to be, I am a bit careful and a bit uncertain, because right now I am a bit afraid, I am scared of getting hurt again, scared of trusting him entirely, scared of the hope that has risen to the surface as well because of all this and to give all of me that I can, so I am trying to be laid back and have restraint. I would really want to be there for him as much as I can, and I wish we could hang out at eachother’s but I am afraid over what that could lead too as well right now, I wouldn’t mind it though but not in this situation that is right now. Honestly though, it feels like I want him back again, that I want him to see me that way again and maybe find eachother again, I don’t even know why, but yeah, I guess time is the answer here since the situation isn’t clear at the moment. I don’t want to say something for sure, it’s just feelings I have had and I am a bit split over it all. I haven’t met him yet and right now, I don’t know how that is going to be either, first of all, and I am a little scared over that too, because I am uncertain about some things. But I do miss him, I enjoy talking to him again and I wish the situation was different then it is so I could do something to affect the outcome of it and maybe get things back on track with him. But I should meet him first to see how that is before anything else, I am afraid that things will be a bit awkward or weird because we might feel that we can’t do or say everything we want, if that would be the case and one of us or both would like that, because of the boundaries that we talked about since the situation is as it is with it all.
/Cissi
Hi Kanya,
Yes, I suppose that’s the case. It feels a bit weird for me, but still in a good way, that we’re having these conversations because I am not used to us talking like this really, or this deep. I am not sure if that makes sense though.
I am a little frightened too, honestly, about it, since we’re getting closer in that way and I am not really sure what it will lead to and in what way in that case,
more hurt or joy. I am a bit unsure if he’s going to try something, if he will a hard time not doing anything or give in to urges since he said that he will have to resist urges that come up, and maybe that he will, or maybe I will, because we can get very close with eachother in this way, talking like this, can’t really say how it will be when we meet either since we haven’t done that yet, catch feelings in that way because he’s vulnerable or something, since he said that he hasn’t processed us splitting up either, that it might or only might be because he’s in pain, sad and feel lonely and that he feels that it’s really empty. Or maybe she change her mind and they get back together and things will get back to how it was again before./Cissi
When he asked how I have managed to fall in and out of love so many times and still keep going and falling in love again and told me that he will be so reserved and careful now, because he is going to be terrified for falling in love again. I wrote to him:
“It just happens, you can’t really like stop it, and yeah I’ve been through a lot but I still want to have a family some day and my own kids so I can’t let things I’ve been through in my love life stop me from achieving it, or scare me off. What I can do is learn from it and take it with me. In that way you learn as well what it is you want to have in a relationship with someone, what qualities you want your partner to have and what you need, as well as what you don’t need or want. Don’t let it stop you, that’s the worst you can do, take it with you”
He then responded:
“I think i need to be out of a relationship for a long time and figure that stuff out, and figure my own shit out too. I hope u learned from me, the day one he is abusive, u leave. No matter how good other sides are, aggresiveness is not ok.”
He also said that he was alone for 29 years and then he was nearly 24/7 with someone and lost touch with everything except that person and work, meaning me when we were together. So told him “I know, maybe we did a little wrong there too, being with eachother 24/7, we never had time for ourselves” He then replied that “Yeah, no time for ourselves besides when we were on different shifts, then we had no time with eachother kinda hehe. But I guess we both weren’t ready for a real, strong healthy relationship. Because we had so much to grow on our own first.”
Hi Kanya,
Yes, I have been thinking a lot during this time. I hope so!
He asked if I wanted to meet in the weekend that was, that he wanted to do something but wasn’t in the mood for seeing his other friends and that he missed me and that it didn’t feel wrong to meet me anymore either. But we never did though, because he said later that maybe it is too soon and that he was afraid that something would happen if we were indoors. So I told him that I want to build a solid ground to stand on, not the same as before and that I don’t want to be a rebound in any way either. He then replied that he was thinking the same and that he wasn’t sure if it was right, because he said he might be doing the same mistake again and that I maybe get hurt or doesn’t feel good after and that he was worried he wouldn’t feel good about himself either in that case and that he “gotta resist the urge I guess”.
So I answered and said that it depends on what his mind is set on right now and what he wants with it all. Told him again that I want to build a soild ground as friends at the moment to stand on and start with, but that I can’t say what it will or what it won’t lead too further ahead either, since I don’t know the future or what’s going to happen, and that I am not a fan of saying anything about it and that I just leave it be. That I am trying to keep my head in the here and now, and see what happens down the road, and what’s meant to be, will be no matter what it is about. I also repeated that I don’t want to be a rebound in any way and that I don’t want to be intimate in any way right now because it’s too soon, too risky and not a good start if you run into something like that and that both of us needs to be on the same page on case one of us would feel anything at all, when seeing eachother, about it and agree not to act ont it. That it is something we can do further ahead if that would be the case and if we and something we still want to do, so to say.
He replied that he understood and that he agrees with me. He then said regarding asking if we could meet, that it was because he wanted company but also because he was horny, that it was two sides to it. He also said that he see’s me as a friend, and that he don’t have any romantic hopes down the line. He then wrote “But it’s too soon and would be wrong” and that he needs to stay strong and not give in to loneliness or urges. He then said that it at least was an improvement, sure he asked and brought it up but then he realised that it wasn’t right but that it’s better then before. He then apologized and said sorry if he was disrespectful or if he offended me.
So I answered that I don’t really see him like something else either or that I hope for anything, that I am just trying to stay in the here and now but that I wanted to put it out there so that it is said in case things would change or something, sometime, down the road. That I just mean that things can get a bit cloudy and especially now. Also said that I want us to be honest with eachother, no matter what, that I don’t mean any specific with it, just overall, and that we can be mature enough to have a conversation with eachother about anything. Repeated again that I didn’t want to be a rebound or also not just a booty call for him or whatever, if we’re going to start hanging out with eachother on a casual basis pretty soon and that I wanted to have it said. That I want us to have a friendship on a solid ground, first of all. Also told him that it was an improvement, what he did, and a pretty big one.
So he told me he understood and would respect it, that he aplogized if it became like a booty call. He also said that he won’t involve or bring up sex into the picture again, that it’s past us at least for a time forward until we both have moved on properly and healed, but that it might not be a good idea then even, but that we will see. I didn’t answer for a while and then he got worried and asked if he upset me and that he was sorry if he hurt me.
Just answered and said thank you, and that we will see what happens. That I just meant that things can get cloudy since he kind of broke up with another just a week ago.
He answered that he agreed with me. He then also asked me out of the blue if I wanted to go kayaking with him in the week through a training app that we both have, that I could do it as my try out exercise before I decide if I want to start a membership or not.
I told him then as well that I don’t want him to see me as or mix me up as a person that he only comes to for comfort, closeness or something because he’s in pain or feeling lonely etc, as it’s been before or felt like from my point of view. That I wish he separate me from that and see me for me or how to say. And I accepted his invitation to go kayaking.
He then told me that he completely understands me. That, obviously and sadly it’s partly why he does it, and that he wasn’t going to lie to me about it and earlier this summer when he wanted to meet me, it was kind of a rebound for him when it was rough. Then he wrote “Buuuut, I like you for you as well. I think we click and have fun, and we both like adventures, spontanious stuff and kind of know eachother and how to support. Which is why I said we could go kayaking!”. So I answered “Yeah, I guess that’s the feeling I have and had earlier as well. But I want to be separated from it and get past it. Reset it or how to say it.” And then he answered that he understand and that I am right.
A day before this, when he actually asked if I wanted to meet but we postponed it to the day after since I was busy, he told me that it feels empty and lonely. That it’s like he got double-hit because he never processed us splitting up either and that he feels really lost. That he’s trying to stay positive and look forward, but it’s really hard because everything feels so ruined. That he doesn’t really have much friends left since he lost contact with them when we started dating and got together.
So I told him not to give up on trying to stay positive and looking forward because you never know what happens. That he should keep going, set up goals, focus on himself, how he wants his life to be and how he want himself to be. That he can contact his old friends again, that it’s never too late for that if he miss them. Also told him that I know that it feels empty and all because it was the same for me, but that I think it’s needed as well for yourself to process things, think stuff over, work with yourself, grow, get to know yourself and feel comfortable with being by yourself, and that you can be and are strong by yourself too. To make time to prioritize yourself, what you want to achieve and do, what kind of person you want to be etc. He then said “You’re so wise badonki, thank you, this helped. I am going to screenshot this as motivation.”
He has asked me a lot of things and for advice/inputs lately. Regarding different things, how I have been able to fall in and out of love so many times, and how I’ve kept going, about him as well, how he’s been etc.
So time will tell what happens.
Because right now I am not sure if I am just somebody he turns to or to do stuff with etc, for the time being because of the break up he had recently or if he will keep investing in this further ahead as well and want to keep me in his life.Sorry for the extremly long text!
/Cissi
Hi Kanya,
Yeah it seems like it did indeed, seems like he’s been thinking a lot and wished he did a lot different. Regarding how he handled the break up between us two, the events that happened after it, his behaviour etc. He also said he respect my strength that I have had, that I have been able to keep a straight face through it all, not lashing out on him or being bitter, that he wouldn’t have been able to handle it like I have done. He also thinks I have become much stronger and wiser even if I was it before, but that I have been applying to it.
I told him that we can keep talking about it but the outcome of it won’t change or be different, since it already has happened but that I appreciated him apologizing and being sorry for it. I told him that I don’t want him to have regret over it or feel bad about it, but that I wish that he will keep it in mind and take it with him for the next situation he will encounter and learn from it. That he can’t change the past but that he can affect the here and now, and what path he decide to take into the future, and that he can affect what he can control with it. Also told him that I have been bitter a lot from time to time even if I haven’t shown it to him, that I thought I didn’t deserve to be treated the way he treated me, been ready to throw in the towel some times because it’s been taking a lot of energy and been emotionally exhausting. But I also said I put myself there as well since I didn’t take distance from him or put my foot down against him. But that the last time he got mad and wrote stuff, was the worst of it all and that I got fed up and sort of gave up. I also told him that I don’t trust him 100% when it comes to everything because of all that has happened.
He said that he wanted to meet soon for a coffee, not too soon though since he wants to process all this alone first and not mix stuff up, but not in a too distant future either, just to talk and hang out as friends.
I am happy that he has started realising what he has done, that he needs to change how he treats others and his behaviour, and that it might haven’t been in vain all this I have been putting myself through and sticking to not giving up on him through it all, if the end will be good like it has a chance for right now. That there is a chance for us to actually have a friendship with eachother.
For now I still want to be alone and need to be alone, and he needs to be alone and work on himself too a lot still even though he has started realising things now. I need to see that he doesn’t fall back to his behaviour, that he actually has learned. That he is honest against me about stuff, but he has been now when we have been talking about things. I will have to see these things for a couple of months at least for even considering it, a lot of trust needs to be rebuilt and the behaviour needs to change a lot. It makes total sense Kanya, and I am not gonna throw myself in there again just like that and be that vulnerable again if there is any chance it will be the same thing again! But I am determined not to see our relationship or him for something else than a friend for now, because I want to build a solid ground to stand on first and then we will see what happens.
/Cissi
Hi Kanya,
I understand what you mean!
Yes, we have been in the same spot before, but that was when we were together, or when it was like it was before I stood my ground and put up boundaries against him and not only as friends, and we were involved with eachother in a different way then we are now with eachother. Hence why I am determined to give it another chance now to see if I am able to build up trust towards him again and if it might change the relationship in that way, by doing what I did.
Apparently his GF left him, he told me this yesterday, she did it in a nice and calm way and he seemed a bit surprised that it hurted that much anyway, so he thought back to how it was when he ended things with me, how much it must have been hurting me the way he did it and out of the blue over nothing. He apologized over how cruel and mean it was and that he respect my strength. He also told me he is pretty angry and disappointed in himself, that he has let his jealousy and anger ruin his two relationships now but that he is determined to turn into himself becoming better and not going into any destructive. He also said that he probably can’t really relate to how I felt but that he understands better now, when I told him that it felt nice that he might understand in a different way now. He also apologized for all the times he disrespected me as well and by going into a new relationship so close to our breakup, with someone at work too and that he has lacked moral and class.
Later this evening he must have thought about it again because he wrote out of the blue “Holy shit Cissi, what I did must have hurt so bad, I am so so sorry. I can’t grasp it. Sorry!!!”
So I told him how he made me feel then and that I got really hurt by it and that it felt like a blow to the stomach, the sudden breakup and that it was out of the blue, he telling me that he went into a new relationship with someone at work after, that close to our breakup, even if I maybe didn’t show it that much and kept it to myself and lied to him how I was doing. That I felt like I, and what we had didn’t mean something to him then, like it wasn’t something special etc etc. That I felt like I was just garbage, or some kind of stranger that he might have picked up at a club or something that wasn’t important, didn’t mean anything or was special in any way, like it felt likrme it was “Meh, whatever” in his eyes. But I also said “Done is done, it is what it was and it has already happened and there’s nothing to do about it. The only thing that can do anything, right now, is how things are going to be from now on. You can’t change the past, only the here and now, which path you’re going to take to decide how things will be in the future. Now you have a chance and opportunity for it, and I am happy you’ve seen it.”
/Cissi
Hi Kanya,
Well, I don’t really want him to committ to me or be with him like that anymore, I think. Right now, after what happened, when I stood my ground and set up boundaries I just want to see if I can trust him or not and if I, or our friendship is important for him. What do you mean with that you don’t think he knows what the truth actually is? The truth according what? Everything in his life or just specific things? Not questioning you or something in any way, just curious what you refer too!
It is and has been a lot of drama, confusion, trust issues but I want to see if that can change from now on when I was clear against him, if we can start over or reset our relationship. If any confusion regarding what he wants, writes and does that isn’t friendly in a friend-way will be, I am going to try to ignore it and not think about it too much and just let things be and see what happens, meaning that eveything is as it is meant to and should be.
/Cissi
Hi Kanya,
We never met up for that coffee before, and I am not sure we will now either, have a hard time believing things right now and if he actually means what he says. So time will tell, and if we do I am still standing where I did last week. I am not going to be intimate with him or something like that at all, it’s just friendly from my side!
/Cissi
He had written to me in the night, I had read and not answered yet on what he had written, since I woke up in the morning and needed more sleep because I slept really bad, I just left it on read. So then later he wrote that he had met my mum at the store this morning, talked to my mum about it later in the morning and she said she had seen him and walked up to him, asking how he was doing and given him a hug and he had gotten a bit surprised. After an hour he wrote again that he thinks we should meet up for coffee or something sometime soon, and start having the friend relationship we deserve to have.
He wrote to me today, asking if I knew if the gym at work had opened again, After I had answered, he asked how I was doing. Said I am good ish, and asked how he was, then he replied and asked why I am only good ish, and that he is good ish too. Just replied that I have a lot on my mind right now, and asked him why he feels the same. He replied and asked me what’s up and then he told me that he sleeps bad, and that a lot of stuff is breaking/causing trouble, T
that he had a flat tire and other stuff.Replied that I just have a lot to think about and decide right now and that I can relate to sleeping bad as well and asked about his car and how he is gonna get to work later in that case. So then he asked “Like what? If you wanna say”, and then a little about the car. Didn’t respond directly, so about 10 minutes later he wrote again, saying that he wouldn’t go by public transport, didn’t respond again directly so about half an hour later he wrote again and asked if I need help with anything. So responded “It’s just about life you know, I’ve felt a bit stuck lately, being stuck in this rat race. Thinking a lot about the future, what I wanna do for example. Move on and forward, but it’s a little hard.” It’s about him as well of course, but didn’t wanna tell him that though. Told him “I am fine for now, but I’ll tell if I need help, thank you”. For some reason I just got reminded of the hero instinct right now when he wrote that.
