[Cassandra W]

Hi Heidi,

Thanks for checking in. Things are going well. Really well. We spent 2 days together this past weekend and he stepped up in some HUGE ways. He came over Friday when all my nieces and nephews were over (4 kiddos 4 and under), and despite it being a lot of noise and running around, he helped both in the kitchen, and helping the kids get fed dinner. He even held my youngest nephew for a while, keeping the little one, (who is 9 months) occupied. And my heart MELTED, let me tell you.

We kind of just took it easy the rest of the evening. I get overwhelmed with a lot of chaos, and although I love all my nieces and nephews, it’s definitely overwhelming for me sometimes. He 100% noticed and we kept it light / fun / quiet the rest of the evening.

Saturday we went to a historical site near me and walked a bunch of the trails before it got TOO hot. He was patient with me when I got a little overheated, and even offered to go back to the car to grab my water so I wouldn’t get too dehydrated. We had a cookout with my parents, just the 4 of us, and then he and I spent some time just watching tv and making plans for our vacation next month.

I have noticed, things intimately have been freaking amazing lately. Like… we’re really feeling each other out, and it’s literally getting better every single time. I don’t know if it’s a result of just getting closer in other ways too, or just that we’ve been really in sync lately, or what. But I’m continually seeing ways that things seem to be improving in our relationship overall.

Oh! And he called me Monday, completely out of the blue. 😀 I told him how happy I was that he did, and I mentioned it again yesterday, and reminded him that he can call / video chat me any time he wants, because I love when I hear his voice and/or see his face. I can probably count on one hand in 8+ months the number of times that he’s initiated a phone call. So I’m hoping it might be a new trend. We shall see.

Overall, I’m still feeling great about things. I’m enjoying the new ‘freedom’ of not stressing over everything all the time. I feel like it’s taken me a long time to get my brain back to a default setting of not thinking/wondering/worrying about my relationship 24/7. I’m truly just enjoying where we are, and trusting him fully.

I know that a lot of those concepts were in my head for a while, and I kept trying to get myself to a place where I could believe them and stop worrying. But until I had the conversation with him about living together at some point in the future, and then mutually saying ‘I love you’, I don’t think my brain was ready to accept those concepts and put them into practice.

This weekend is another adventure. BBQ with a lot of my friends whom he hasn’t met yet. I’m excited to show him off, and just enjoy his company. He is my favorite person to be around, so any time I spend with him is a good time.

-Cassie

[Cassandra W]

Hi Kanya,

Right now I don’t have any anxiety or stress over keeping things going. I know we’ve had a couple really big leaps the last month or so, and I expect things to kind of settle a little into a new norm while we explore this new level of our relationship. I am actually feeling comfortable and confident for the first time in a long time. I used to have a lot of anxiety if I didn’t hear from him by a certain point in the day, or if he didn’t message me as much as I thought he should. I’ve let go of ALL of that, and am fully trusting him. He hasn’t given me any reason to doubt his intentions or motivations, and I was wasting so much time and energy worrying over where we stood for a long time. Now that we’ve actually talked about where we both stand as far as what we’re looking for, and the depth of our feelings for each other, I just feel… blissful. Like I can relax into where we are a little bit and just enjoy it.

I definitely plan on re-reading the Be Irresistible guidelines as a refresher, now that we are at a new point in our relationship and see what else I can glean from the tips and tricks in there. When I first read it, it was kind of as a last ditch effort to figure out how to get our relationship out of a ‘stalled’ mode, so I’m sure there are things I skimmed over that can still be useful to me now.

To be completely honest, this is my first ‘real’ relationship in 10 years, and the only healthy relationship I’ve ever had. If anything stresses me out a little, it’s that. But Nick is SO GOOD… I know he’s there for me. He’s always been a great listener and has ALWAYS been receptive when I’ve brought up things I’ve been worried or stressed about. I know that I can count on him to be a partner and help me work through things as they arise.

It’s just been difficult for me in the past to trust him with things because of my past relationship. Coming out of something that was emotionally, mentally and sometimes physically abusive, someone that manipulated me more than cared for me, I had a lot of issues opening up and allowing someone to actually meet me halfway. But Nick has proved over and over again that he’s there and willing to step up when I need him to.

Now that I’m opening up to him a little more, and trusting him enough to talk to him about things that are worrying me or bothering me, or even just discussing where we stand and where we’re going, it seems like all positive steps in the right direction. I think if I can remember to keep my walls down a bit, both mentally and emotionally, we will continue to see good progress.

-Cassie

[Cassandra W]

Hi Kanya,

Yes, we’re going to take a 4-5 day trip (staying in state because of Covid) and visit some awesome waterfalls and other state parks that we’ve been sharing photos of. I joined a FB group for cool hikes and waterfalls in our state, and then I added him too, so we’ve been talking about all the cool state parks that are a little too far to go for just a day. We’ve found 3 that are all about an hour from each other, so we’re going to take some time in August and go. We haven’t set dates or made hotel arrangements yet, but we should be doing that this coming weekend.

The ‘I love you’ thing was a BIG one for me. I had initially decided I was going to wait for him to say it first, but I’m glad that I said it. Especially after some of the things he opened up to me about directly after we both said it… made me realize that there are actual reasons he doesn’t initiate things as much. It’s helped me understand him on a whole new level, and I think a lot of my frustration over the ‘initiating’ thing from my first couple posts here wouldn’t have been as big of a deal to me if I’d known earlier. BUT, I know now, and that’s the important thing moving forward.

I really want to continue to find new ways to stir his hero instinct, because I’ve seen just how much he really does LOVE to step into that role when it’s presented to him. In the mean time, I’m creating as much of an ‘us against the world’ or ‘together we can do anything’ mentality as possible for both of us.

I’m glad that not only do I have my messages here to look back on, but also I started a journal back in January, when I was struggling with some other things that were affecting our relationship. (Basically just letting my past relationships color how I handled things in my new relationship.) It’s been rewarding to see how far I’ve come just in the last 6 months of journaling and figuring out how to actually make a good relationship work and take steps forward, rather than just falling into something and meandering along. I’d much rather have goals and plans and a way to make not only our relationship the best it can be, but also make each of us the best version of ourselves. Fingers crossed I can keep the momentum going.

-Cassie

[Cassandra W]

Holy moly. It has only been a couple weeks since my last update here and I feel like so much has happened.

First- he mentioned taking a trip sometime this summer, because he usually does in order to use up some of his vacation time at work. I asked if he thought he might do something with his brother again, since he did last year. He said he wasn’t sure, he hadn’t thought much about it yet. I left it at that, just sort of keeping the ball in his court. Meanwhile I’m being affectionate and encouraging and basically just kind of reminding him of the fun things we’re going to do both this summer and the things we’ve talked about more long term.

We talk about the future cabin in the mountains a LOT. And somehow it has got him super into talking about other future things.

Then last weekend he asked if I wanted to plan a trip with him for this summer. I told him absolutely, I was IN. At the end of the night when he got home the “future” talk continued. He said that his arms would ALWAYS be wrapped around me and that I was his favorite everything. Omg swoon.

Yesterday was his brother’s girlfriend’s birthday so we set up a little camping trip. We had a few mishaps (his tent wouldn’t stay open) but we made the best of them and just rolled with it. He made a comment last night about “forever” and so this morning, waking up next to him, I decided it was finally time. Id been putting off saying “i love you” for a while now, because I didn’t want to rush him, but with him comfortable talking about always and forevers, I thought it might be a good time.

He got the biggest grin on his face and said it back immediately. I admitted id been waiting because I wanted to take it slow and not rush him and his feelings. He said he’d been feeling the same. And then he divulged some other deep personal stuff, really opening up to me. He even off-handedly said something about our potential future children. I could not have even fathomed us having that conversation two months ago.

He has already initiated saying “i love you” first several times today and it makes me so giddy every time. Its crazy to think how hopeless I felt just a couple of months ago. I was considering ending things. And right now I could not be happier if I tried. This system has completely changed my viewpoint on relationships and it has already done wonders for mine.

Thank you all again for the time and energy you put into responding to women here. It is beyond appreciated.

I can’t wait to bring more happy news in the future. (Hopefully from the deck of our little cabin in the mountains someday. 😁😁)

-Cassie

• This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by Cassandra W.

[Cassandra W]

Hi Kanya,

Thank you again for all your feedback. I think you’re right about continuing to spend time together and build the relationship. I saw a book recommendation on another thread in here and actually purchased a copy to read for myself. A Fine Romance by Judith Sills. I’m going to give that a whirl as well and see what I can learn from it.

I like the idea of hiking some areas that are similar to where we might find our ‘someday’ home. Plus we have the list we made of dates and vacations/adventures. I think that will keep us focused on creating shared happiness. I really was drawn to that from the ‘His Secret Obsession’ book more than anything. About tying my happiness to him and his happiness to me. I think in the long run that will keep our lives intertwined and keep us moving in the same direction.

Cassie

[Cassandra W]

Hi Kanya,

Thank you. I’m not always great at acknowledging myself or giving myself credit for things when they go well. But you’re right! I’ve worked hard to adjust my mindset and he and I have both been open and honest in respect to our future and where we might be heading. I am definitely excited about how things have gone the last few weeks. I think just shifting my mindset to a positive one, as well as the introspective conversations here, have done wonders for not only myself but my relationship as well.

As far as what’s next…. I’m really not sure. Just getting to this point was kind of a place I wasn’t sure I’d see. I was kind of bracing for impact for a little while, expecting him to really stand firm in the ‘never moving out’ conversation. So having that talk and it ending in such a positive way was a little unexpected for me.

Short term- we’ve talked about taking a camping trip at some point this summer with his brother and his brother’s girlfriend.

I do think I really want to cast the dream of having our own vacation house somewhere in the mountains someday. That came about during a conversation about shooting stars. I asked if he’d ever seen one, and if he saw one right then, what he’d wish for. He said he’d wish to win the lottery, and when I pressed a little further about what he’d do with the money, he said he’d pay off his mother’s house and various other bills, and then that he’d want to buy a vacation house somewhere in the mountains by a little lake or river. It’s funny because I’ve always wanted a ‘weekend house’ somewhere quiet and in the middle of nowhere, just like he described. I think casting the dream of us working toward having that together someday could be a great way of kind of linking our future shared happiness together.

The idea of having ‘relationship goals’ is kind of new for me. I really like having a shared direction, even if I’m not quite sure how to figure out what that direction is. I mean, ultimate goal is that I’m looking for someone to share my life with- a partner, a husband, potentially a father to my future children. After our talk the other day, I can confirm that that is his ultimate goal as well. If that is the ‘direction’, do you have any suggestions for short term and/or long term goals on how to keep it moving that way?

Thanks,
Cassie

[Cassandra W]

Hi Kanya,

Thanks again for your response and your time. I wanted to wait until after I had “the talk” with Nick before I responded. So here goes with everything.

First- He did tell me that after his mother said what she said and I went inside, that he told her that she couldn’t speak to me that way. He did not change his behavior to accommodate her, even if I might have because I was a little upset/frustrated with the whole situation. He was still close, touchy the rest of the day.

As far as the sabotage thing goes, when I invited him, I did so with a whole host of reasons he might not want to come. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I wasn’t really thinking, and it wasn’t my smartest move. It was basically like “I know my family is crazy and you probably want to have a quiet day before going back to work tomorrow… but if you want to come down, I’d love to see you.” I basically put his reasons for not going in my invitation. I’ve learned my lesson and won’t be doing that again.

I don’t think I’m necessarily losing interest. I do know that when he got sick and wasn’t around much, I kind of put some walls up and got a little more guarded than I might have been before. I think some of that has still been affecting my interactions with him.

Okayyyy, onto the new stuff!

I saw him on Sunday, we went to a park and he taught me how to play chess. Then we walked some trails a bit, had a picnic lunch and then we back to my house, where we watched a movie and cuddled and were able to just be a little more like the “us” before all of the quarantine stuff. It was good, but I didn’t find a good opportunity to talk with him about the future. We also made a list of dates we want to go on and vacations/adventures we want to take.

We had a great week of texting this week, where I was light and flirty and created opportunities to stoke his hero instinct. My phone has been acting up and he’s really into tech, so I asked him for advice on good new phone options. He definitely seems to respond and loves stepping into that role when it’s presented to him.

I also let him take the lead on what we do this weekend (although both of his options are currently still temporarily closed because of quarantine restrictions). In the end we decided to just do a lazy day, and he offered to come back down toward my house which he did today.

It was another spectacular day together today. We played chess again, watched some episodes of a show we’re watching together, had dinner with my family, and played a game with them as well. One of the great things was that he hasn’t spent a lot of time with my parents and sister, so dinner and the game with them all was good.

Plus- we had a text convo earlier this week where we briefly chatted about renovating a house and making it a completely nerdy house (we are both huge comic book nerds). I offhandedly said “need a house first for that” and kind of left it at that. I KNEW it would make a fantastic opening for talking about it in person this weekend.

So today I took the plunge and brought it up. I casually mentioned the nerdy renovation we texted about and then asked if he’d ever thought about it, and clarified “moving out”. He said he has thought about it some but that at this point it’s not financially possible. He contributes more to the running of his house than I was aware of, and he said his mother and sister would have a tough time if he were to move out. He said it’s not out of the realm of possibilities in the future, but it would take some creativity.

I explained that I wasn’t expecting or looking for anything immediately to change. I just wanted to make sure that we were still moving in the same direction. I told him I still have student loan debt I’m paying off, and that I wouldn’t want to bring that into a moving in together type situation. I also made him aware that moving in together for me is a very big step, and one that I wouldn’t want to take until I had made a commitment to someone and we were engaged.

We ended the conversation on a really amazing note, that we’re both still interested in a serious, long term relationship and want to continue to see where this goes.

So that’s where we’re at for now. Oh! I’m also working on a vision board… right now it’s just a Pinterest board, but we talked about a vacation cabin in the mountains this week, so photos of that are definitely on there. For now I feel really positive about where we are at and where we are going. The living together thing will need to be revisited at some point in the future, but for now, I feel like we are making strides in the right direction and I’m feeling very positive.

-Cassie

[Cassandra W]

Hey Kanya,

I’ve never done a vision board. But it looks crafty… so right up my alley. My date yesterday with Nick did not go quite as planned. Le sigh.

I was having some back pain and asked if we could change up our plans. He asked if I wanted to come over for a BBQ. I thought great! We haven’t seen each other at one of our houses in months!

I brought pasta salad and wore a super cute dress and made sure I smelled like a freaking bakery. Whatever I could to embrace my femininity and make him want me.

Everything was going well until an hour or so in when his mom saw him coming toward me and yelled “NO KISSING!! Coronavirus!!!”

I. Freaked. The. Eff. Out. Inwardly of course- because I’m a lady. But I kept my distance. I needed to work things out in my brain. Did his mother not feel comfortable with me around? Should I have kept my distance longer?

This dude never waivered. He was perfect and checked on me for hours making sure I was ok. Clearly he felt the shift even though I told him I was fine. I needed to process things before talking to him about it. I refused a kiss goodnight (even though those lips haven’t touched mine in 11 weeks and this girl is feeling the pain). And when I got home, I texted him to discuss it. I told him I wanted to make sure everyone felt safe having me around, and that I wasn’t overstepping my bounds. He reiterated how overprotective his mother is and said that everyone was okay having me there.

Basically— all my plans for furthering the “Be Irresistible” plans were kind of thwarted. I did ask to borrow his “big strong muscles” to crack my back which has been bothering me.

I sabotaged myself by inviting him to my house today last minute. He said he’d let me know and then “forgot” to text me to say he wasn’t coming.

I had a fantastic time regardless with my family… but it would have been nice to know whether or not he was showing up. I sent him a snapchat pic of my dog sleeping on me after a “long day in the sun”. No word from him until that.

Honestly… I don’t know what to think anymore. I think we still need the “where are we going” conversation. And the “living apart from his mother” Conversation. Before we go any further.

Sometimes I still feel like I’m just there to pass the time for him and give him someone to chat with when his bored. But he’s “there for me” enough for me to want to see this through.

Relationships suck. And that’s where I’m at right now. 😳

[Cassandra W]

Hi Kanya-

Thanks again for your reply. Honestly right now I’m doing whatever possiblE to fill my time. I bought a huge puzzle I’ve been working on. And I’ve always been pretty crafty. I literally just finished building my mom a new dining room table (with the help of my dad and sister). Creating distractions has been necessary, and I’ve done the best I can.

I actually forced myself to end conversation a little early tonight, just to give him time and kind of make him come to me. He had a particularly difficult week of work this week and I told him after a few minutes of chatting that I was sure he was mentally exhausted and to text me tomorrow about plans to meet up on Sunday. I’m planning on waiting it out and letting him text me first tomorrow since he agreed to it.

After reading though a few more of the resources here, I think I need to give Nick the benefit of the doubt a little more and acknowledge all the things he’s doing right. Honestly my friend erin has told me more than once that I need to give him a little more credit. I think being single for so long may have increased my expectations beyond a reasonable level and got me to a point where I just expected too much.

Still planning on having the talk with him this weekend, as it does seem like it may be necessary before we move beyond this point in our relationship. But I want to keep an open mind about my other expectations, as I may have just been wanting things that aren’t reasonable at this stage in our relationship. Everything I’ve been trying from the Be Irresistible course seem to be working for now. I want to give them a chance to see if they can adjust where I may feel the relationship is currently lacking.

Will update after our date Sunday! Thanks again!

-Cassie

[Cassandra W]

I would also like to mention. This is MY first relationship in 10 years. In my early 20’s I got into a really emotionally, mentally and somewhat physically abusive relationship with someone who ended up being a completely different person than I fell for, and who I’m pretty sure now that I’ve had years to look back on it, was a narcissist who took advantage of the fact that I was young, naive and eager for love. It took me a long time to heal and get myself ready to ‘get back out there’. I’ve never really been a ‘dater’. I did go on several first and some second dates with guys before I met Nick, and there was just something about him that was both calming and exciting at the same time. He’s my favorite person to be around. We have an amazing time no matter what we’re doing.

Clearly there are other things that I wasn’t even really consciously thinking before this discussion started (like the living with his mother thing being a deal breaker… WHAT?! Where did that even come from?) You guys know your stuff and how to get at things that are lurking beneath the surface.

I also know that I tend to get in my head about a lot of things. And all of the downtime from the pandemic and quarantine doesn’t help. I’ve been ‘working from home’ for 9 weeks now, and although I used to work a full 40 hours a week, now it’s more like 3 hours a day, so I have so much more time to fill, and my brain likes to work itself up about things. I guess what it all comes down to, is that I want to make sure that he and I are finding a way to move TOGETHER in the same direction and not just hanging out on the weekends to pass time.

ANYWAY- enough ranting from me. Thank you, again, so much for your time.

-Cassandra

[Cassandra W]

Hi Kanya,

Thanks so much for getting back to me. It does feel like things are starting to get back on track. I was actually wondering if the initiating thing was just that I was moving faster than he was comfortable with and/or ready for? He did initiate our first date (or at least moved the conversation in that direction). We met through online dating and after a few weeks of texting he asked if I had any plans for the weekend. I countered with “I don’t know… do I?” We had a wonderful, fun and easy first date. Arcade games at Dave and Busters followed by walking around the mall, grabbing some food and then a movie. There was a quick hug at the end of the date, but no kiss. In fact, our first kiss wasn’t until the end of our third date, where we played pool and gave me a chance to kind of be a little more ‘touchy’ to let him know I was interested. He DID initiate the first kiss. So, maybe my initiating things since has been me jumping the gun?

My other thought is that perhaps I’m not making him miss me because I’m always available to him? We text every day but only before/after his long work hours. Which means I’m always basically readily available because the window for communication during the day is so limited. Sometimes there’s only 30 minutes between when he’s done with work and when he goes to bed, so it’s not like I can just take hours to reply.

As far as his relationship history. He’s had a few girlfriends. I know that because of his past (father left when he was very young) he promised his mother he’d never leave her. I don’t know what the context of that was… whether he’d always be close by, or always in the house, I’m not sure. He also told me that he’s only had one girlfriend he was serious enough about to consider living together, but from what I gathered about the situation, his mother had made a comment about asking the girlfriend to MOVE IN to the house. I don’t think that relationship ever got to the point of him asking her though.

I KNOW that I need to have a conversation with him about whether he’d ever consider living away from her. Because honestly, that’s a big deal. I adore his mother, but if he and I ever got to the point where we discussed living together, I would not want it to be under her roof. I just don’t see that ending well. Because everything at that point would be a competition between me and her. Personally, I don’t want to live with someone until there’s a ring on my finger and we’re buying a house together. Whether that be engagement ring or wedding ring, I’m fine with either.

But is 7 months in too early to have that kind of conversation? I’ll probably start with a bigger picture question about the future… kind of a ‘I’m really enjoying your company and companionship and want to make sure we’re still both moving in the same direction’ kind of thing before getting to specifics. I think either way, before I’m ready to take any other steps forward, I need to know if he’d ever be open to the idea of not living with her. Because if not, that might be a deal breaker for me.

We chatted earlier this week about meeting up to go kayaking sometime this weekend, but we haven’t made specific plans yet.

Thanks again for your time, and advice. It’s definitely appreciated.

-Cassandra

[Author]

Posts