[Mary]

Hi Kanya,

Thank you! You’re statement about focusing on just the next step really resonated with me. You are right, I am overthinking this. And I do feel it is important to me to get the message out to him for my own resolution, no matter the outcome. I’m just not quite ready yet. I Still go back and forth with my emotions, sometimes fear, sometimes anger and frustration with him. I don’t want my communication to come from those emotions but instead a place of peace. So I think I’ll give it time.

[Mary]

Hi Ladies,

So having time to think, I don’t feel the urge to keep communication open right now. At least I don’t feel like I should be the one making an effort to. A part of me feels like if make any attempt to reach out, I’m forcing a situation that maybe isn’t meant to be. I think I’ve given this guy too many years of my energy. And I honestly don’t know if my need to keep things open was coming from this longing for him to choose me or to erase the hurt and rejection I felt.

I don’t know, all of this is so confusing. I did try and analyze why I was now feeling this way. I don’t know if it’s just a stage or is it coming from fear?

[Mary]

Hi Heidi,

Well I guess the biggest thing is ultimately rejection and looking weak. Specifically, I keep playing in my head that he’ll tell me I’m not the one for him and he doesn’t see me in his future.

In our last conversation, he wanted to keep communication open and asked if we could take it slow or let it grow slowly. I didn’t know how I would do that after he said he was still in limbo about his ex. I didn’t want to be put in this competition situation or make myself go crazy wondering if he’s talking to her, etc..My ending things the way I did was what I thought, a way of having closure and saving myself a great deal of hurt.

But reflecting these past few days with the help of you ladies, I realized that it would be best for me to send something because at this point rejection might be better than nothing as it may finally be what I need to feel like I’ve done all I could and move on for good.

I’ve never really been completely vulnerable with him. In fact in one of our recent convos before the last he mentioned something that stood out about me when we first started dating was that I was the first woman to stand my ground with him when he told me he wasn’t interested in a commitment back then. I think I told him that if he’s not interested in a relationship then I don’t want to waste my time. He said that was so different for him back then and made him get his act together and get serious with me.

I think about what he said and now wonder if he would take me reaching out to him now as being weak and maybe it will turn him off. Also I forgot to mention one thing he said in our last convo before saying he wasn’t ready for commitment was he asked if I was in a rush. That question shocked me bc days before, we were day dreaming about our future together. Apart of me wonders if he suddenly got a message from his ex that sparked up feelings. I don’t know.. I can’t explain the sudden change from him.

I do have some questions though. Our last conversation was on May 7th. Do you think it’s too soon to reach out?

[Mary]

Hi Heidi,

Thank you! You’re right. I will give it some time while I muster up some courage to send a message. Thank you again!

[Mary]

I should mention that I did agknowledge to him that I don’t think he did anything wrong an I want mad at him. I told him I understand that I came back in his life out of the blue and expected that we both would obviously have a history with others after 4 years. It was important for me that he knew that I wasn’t upset with him and appreciated his honesty. I guess I just wished I was strong enough to show some emotion and tell him how I felt about him and that I would give him the space he needed until he’s ready. Now I don’t know if it’s too late ?

[Mary]

Hi Kanya,

Thanks for getting back to me! And for reading through that essay..lol. Yes I think you hit it it spot on, my biggest fear is regretting that I closed the doors of communication and wondering what if.. what u mentioned is what I wish I would have said but in the heat of the moment I got real formal with him and said “ you mentioned you had some figuring out to do, I think it’s best you honor that commitment to yourself and do what you need to do without me in the equation”. I’m pretty content with the idea that there’s not much I could do in this situation and it’s something he definitely needs to figure out on his own but I was kind of harsh about it. I guess that’s always been my defense mechanism. Another thing I didn’t mention is that before we first got together 10 years ago we had a similar situation where he told me he was scared of commitment and was still getting over feelings for an ex. I Responded by telling him I had feelings for him and wanted to progress but if that’s how he feels we could be friends. After not talking for about a week or two he called and how much he cares for me and wants to see where it goes,etc.. and we progressed and made it official eventually.So I bring that up to say I think this situation was a trigger for me not only bc of the similarities of his being unsure about us but also bc I’m pretty sure this same girl that he dated back then is the same girl that was his recent ex now. We didn’t talk about our past this time around ( kind of a mutual no need to know thing) but I did do some snooping on his social media a and a few months back I saw some evidence that they were back in each other’s lives. So I’m pretty sure this is the same girl. So I guess knowing this is a girl he has history which made it that much worse for me. As I stated before, I do have a hard time with vulnerability and tend to deal with things very matter of fact like. But being that I have thought about him for so many years and how strong our chemistry and connection is, I don’t want to have regrets.
As I briefly mentioned in the first post, my gut was telling me there’s something he wants to get out or that he pulled back at times. Although I thought to pull back a little too, I didn’t. Instead I was more the aggressor, initiating text messages flirting a little more, etc..I think I had this idea in my head that maybe his pulling back was being insecure about us and him feeling that I may just cut it off with no notice like I have in the past. So compensated I guess trying to show him that this time around I know I want him and i won’t run. In hindsight I wish I would have listened to my gut and backed off a little and let him chase a little. Lastly, is don’t mention in our last conversation after telling me about his feeling for his ex, when I responded like “ I don’t know what u want me to say or do with that” he asked if we could take it slow and let it grow slowly. He even said something to the nature of he wished he didn’t even say anything bc he didn’t want this to end, he just doesn’t want to hurt me. So I will take your advice for my own peace of mind and leave the lines of communication open, the problem is is how do I do that? I’m pretty Sure he won’t reach out to me after our last text convo, bc I basically closed the doors. I’m a patient person and have no problem waiting and believe in the idea of giving things time. But when is the right time? Do I reach out or wait for by some miracle for him to reach out again? Will I look like a bipolar crazy person if I do reach out after basically telling him not to contact me? I did read some of the material in here and am familiar with some techniques for reaching out but any detailed advice or insight you may have is greatly appreciated.

[Mary]

I just want to add that I’m usually very logical about things and although it hurt like hell to end that, it still does, I knew I was not going to put myself in a position to have to compete with someone else. I thought about keeping the lines or communication open as friends which is what I think he wanted but I knew it would be too difficult for me. I just don’t know now if it was the best thing to just shut the doors as I do feel he is the love of my life and I can’t help but feel he feels the same way but for some reason always sabotages us.

[Author]

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