[Cinthia N]

Hi
He continues to be very insisting, I got another song. We spoke yesterday and he may have understood where I come from. I will see him in about 2-3 weeks. Thank you for your advice, what I get is that we need to explore this new thing, independent of my kids. I would love to do that but it will not be possible. Also, just this morning when I spoke to him, I tried to set out boundaries about my ex and he said that he would rather not be blindsided. I am also visiting with my kids during my visit (1 lives with me, the other with my ex).

As far as getting to know him, we are currently 5000 miles apart and have not seen each other since we reconnected. We have been getting to know each other more only on the phone, through text and fun emails. I am not sure how to move from friendship to a romantic relationship, but he has been very clear (even this morning) about what he wants.

I don’t know what’s going to happen in a few weeks when I am there (him, kids and ex). How can I get to know him more at a distance? I think I have to before going there.

[Cinthia N]

Heidi posted this… sorry I was using someone else’s post…

Moderator
Hi Cinthia,

Welcome! We are sooooo glad you are here. You have some good questions and you are VERY WISE to seek guidance. You have a very confusing and sensitive situation. I have some questions, but make sure in your response, that you create your own thread. It’s much easier for us to make sure everyone is being responded to when each person has their own thread. If you have any troubles with that, just let us know!

First, I think it’s very healthy to be both interested in moving forward and apprehensive at the same time. One important thing to realize is that yes, you may have known this man a loooong time, but because you have never been romantic with him, you actually have no idea what he is like in sooooo many ways. So it’s important to approach this as if you are just getting to know someone….slow, authentic, honest, be discerning and be cautious – and keep moving forward and gathering information. Why not just keep everything private for a while. Your kids and your ex don’t need to know anything just yet. Go out on dates, explore how you feel around him, see how you guys function as a couple and gather more information.

You are trying to figure out the WHOLE picture (your kids, your ex etc.) and you don’t even know if you like the guy yet and if he is someone you actually want to invite into your life romantically. So for right now, what’s important is to gather information. Get to know each other through the brand new eyes of romance and start from scratch. I would also suggest to set a boundary around talking about your ex husband. Being that they are friends, even if it is cold at the moment, it’s a respectful thing to just keep that topic off limits for a while. You can easily set a boundary and say something like, “That is a subject off limits just for now. It’s important for me to respect your friendship and not share intimate details of our relationship with you. At least not right now. There are so many other things to talk about and ways to get to know each other, so let’s explore those topics first.”

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Cinthia N]

Hi, I am new to this forum so if that’s not the place to post, let me know.

I need help with this new/existing long distance relationship that has some overlap with my ex and my 2 teenage sons. This is time sensitive as I will see him in 2-3 weeks.

I separated from a 30-year relationship 2 years ago and have not felt interested in another relationship until this Aug. This man has been a friend (common to me and my ex) for the past 20yrs. We used to see each other or talk almost every weekends in early years, then 2-4/year as we moved far away. He has always been a little more engaged with my ex than myself until this year. Their friendship is a little cold now, likewise for many of our common long term friends. What kind of man, leaves his partner of 30 years facing a huge medical challenge on her own and moves across the country? Socializing with him has mainly been hiking when we were back where he lives, dinners with the girlfriend of the time or with his adult daughter, some activities with my sons (bonfire, fishing, etc). The one thing we have always had in common that was not shared with my ex has been music, gardening and permaculture. We reconnected about a year ago on these interests, but he let our exchanges go last Fall. He reconnected in the Spring and has since called/texted/sent pictures every week from Jun to Sep. Since Sep, we have talked almost everyday because of a course and because he is also building his house. He seems to really want to share his journey and is genuinely interested in my course.

He broke up his last relationship last Christmas and has been single since. A few weeks ago, I jokingly asked him if he was going to “hibernate” all winter now that the gardening/building season is over. There was a big pause and he said “not a chance”. You can guess this is changing our friendship. I asked him what happened last winter and he said that he has always “appreciated” me as a friend but nothing more because I was with my ex. Last year, I was single but he realized that I was still dealing with my separation and therefore not relationship material (outch!). Now he feels that I am better, we have both recently retired and I am planning to move back much closer to see my younger son who lives with my ex.

The problem I have is that it’s happening a little fast as far as him coming forward and being direct/open about his feelings. He sent me the song “Big Hearted Woman” by Cat Stevens. He is 15years older. He said that he had pretty much given up on relationships until he realized where I was at this summer. His marriage ended 25years ago, he has had girlfriends (some I even liked!) but has never lived with another woman again. That’s a flag right?

I am also unsure how my ex will react. The relationship was abusive emotionally (which this man witnessed at times). Lately, he has been asking me to clarify some of these past events. I want to be open with him, but this may only make things worse with my ex in the end? I also don’t know how my sons will react (they have known him all their lives) and any relationship will still be somewhat of a long distance one because of my sons’ schools and that he lives in a remote location. Part of me is pulled towards him and another part if very apprehensive. I only have 4 good friends that are men and he is one of them. I asked one of them for advice, but that proved useless. Maybe friendship and companionship would be better? Or now that he has expressed his feelings, maybe I will loose that if I don’t explore more? I am at a great disadvantage because of only having 1 serious relationship my whole life. Can you suggest where to start to sort this out?

Big elephant(s) in that room of ours! Thank you (hope the post was not too long).

[Author]

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