[Sahasra S]

Thank you so much for your response. This is amazingly helpful to take steps forward in a way that allows me to continue my relationship with more concrete knowledgability.

1. Economic background: he grew up in a village outside of the US, immigrated here, and now is in my opinion very successful. He makes way more money than I do, owns his own home, likes his job.

But I think he feels I am a bit out of his league because while both sets of parents (mine and his) immigrated here, mine lived the American dream – allowing me to live a privileged, economic middle class lifestyle while he grew up with almost nothing.

I got to go to college, he had to put himself through his two associates degrees, he talks often about how he wishes he had the college experience. I own my own business, and daily talk about how passionate and excited I am about what I do and how much I get out of it. He loves helping me find solutions to my work and I love discussing things with him because he offers me wonderful perspectives.

At the same time, I am trying to make big changes in the world so he has a dual deep respect for me, but also, I am guessing for him (and many men who I have dated) this is intimidating when they see my accomplishments and my large dreams – normally a man’s space for my generation – and automatically quietly measure themselves against this.

2. His dreams are owning a large home (he is currently in the process of selling his condo to do so), and eventually completing a bachelor’s degree for college. Though he put himself into the military to do this, he “only” (his perspective) got two associates degrees, hence my suggestion to take a college course together (which he loved, and told his cousin about, it’s an Intro to Psych course and she’s been dealing with depression, so doubly he gets to help her too. However, he is scared he will disappoint me. He says this often. I told him he couldn’t, and I am happy with him just the way he is, last minute plans and all).

3. I also throw him for a loop as he is used to dating women who fill the traditional gender roles – him as the provider and her as the caretaker of the house. I am someone who has never molded into those spaces and both of us are learning from each other about equality but also give and take in a relationship.

As for the rest:
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I assumed this was the case, and I was making this choice, but just hearing it in no uncertain terms is helpful, and even speaking about this in the forum and having someone to speak back to about it who understands may be all I need for the time being.

I am okay with this choice, to love here and now, because I think he is AMAZING how he is now – I have told him this. He has firmly earned my respect and admiration, and my everyday desire is to just see him smile, laugh, and be happy – with or without me. I am even okay now when he rubberbands, now that I have understood (after reading these books and a few others) that it has nothing to do with me. Those are a mix of sheer work craziness, since he seriously cannot resist feeling needed, if his family is demanding a lot from him, and quiet space to deal with getting too close to me.

I will say this: he opens up to me, often. He is not scared to tell me his deepest fears, thoughts, and desires, but certainly, he has a bunch of those that he does not know himself. If I ask a question, he will answer as honestly and with a lot of emotional insight – as much as he is capable of understanding about himself. He has continually said he loves that we push each other and help each other grow.

As far as the therapist stuff goes:

Sometime in March, I mentioned he deeply needed to see a therapist. He heard me, but said nothing. Thankfully, we have a healthy amount of respect for each other, so I am happy to report that we always listen to one another even when we disagree and actually I think in most cases chew on what the other person says.

Sometime in June, he said he saw on said Ted talk that those with childhood trauma have certain issues and perhaps he is not as in control as he thought. In addition, he’s always said that he knows he needs to but is scared of opening Pandora’s Box by revisiting his past to heal, but is just “not ready” yet.

So, I feel there is some possibility on that front here. Because I am a mindset driven person, I have done hypnotherapy and RTT therapy which allows you to confront your issues without actually delving necessarily deeply into the pain of it. I found him the same therapist techniques/business I have used, asked about the process to shorten all the pain it may bring up, and just sent it to him about a month ago for when he was ready.

Next steps:

1. I will continue to ask for meeting my parents, drop quiet hints about how fun spending time with his family will be whenever it happens, and be okay with whatever happens. (On that note, I just asked him about the curry tree which will allow him to meet my parents while he is helping us all out, and he responded positively to making it happen. Let’s see!)

2. Are there any other suggestions here, considering that I am 100% okay with the details in your mail above and the choice I am making?

3. I wonder, since he is open to the therapist thing, maybe I will continue to remind him about this. I almost wonder if I should tell him about the conversation we just had and that an expert is suggesting that he his holding himself back by not seeing a therapist and hurting not just himself but the relationships he is in because of it.

I am curious to hear your thoughts and any steps you think I should continue taking.

Thank you again,

Sahi

[Sahasra S]

Thank you!

Here is more background:

1. We have been dating a year and change

2. We are 34 and 35

3. He has a massive past trauma of criminal violence in his family resulting in loss of his mother and father. He has lost best friends and others to similar violence.

4. He has a big family where marriage and relationships are important but also sees what he calls “weekend relationships” and that his older family members seem to fight a lot.

5. He has had lots of long term relationships that just didnt work out, hence he has told me he wasnt ready multiple times. He tends to rubberband through which I understand is his need to sit down and think through things.

6. Currently we go through phases of: talk a lot, hang out randomly once a week for coffee or dinner, anywhere from long 2 hour discussions to multiple fast phone calls a day, to rubberband for 2 weeks on his part. Our conversations range from light hearted to our life fears and plans.

Things I am confident about: if I stay, we will keep happily chugging along. But I also know he is keeping me at arms distance – ie never making lots of plans for fear of having to cancel with work and thus disappointing me, not introducing me because his last relationship of 3 years didnt work out, not committing due to this as well. I am okay with this atm taking the time it needs but really this is my urge:

Keep building momentum together, however small, and recognize that his past is going to play a factor in this that requires perhaps more understanding from my part. I want to give him signals of safety and also quietly signal that he may fear a loss of someone close to him but that I am a steady presence in his life so that he can feel safe when hes ready to make those commitments (I hope that makes sense). However, I don’t know if I am on the right path or I should pull back etc.

At this moment, I am okay with that taking a good year or so. I also entered into the relationship with mixed signals (first, not caring, then, saying I wanted marriage and kids, then saying I was not ready to meet the family when he suggested in June that was the next step).

But I think we will become stuck if I don’t start building something with him – whether thats a weekly class, or start spending time with each other’s communities (friends or family). Also I think these things are the next step in couples building together. Plus I think it also puts me on the right path of getting me ready for those commitments as well. Hence my wondering what may be the best way for me to approach it so these things do happen instead of the rubberband/see each other once a week or every two weeks/talk intensely say each other is amazing pattern.

I hope this clarifies!

I totally hear what you are saying about the energy and him feeling it. That I don’t know how to control, but if your advice is to still pull back and let him lead, I am more than happy to! Any advice on my next steps will help me feel as though I am taking steps in the right direction for the both of us.

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