[Devin W]

Hi Heidi,
I understand everything you’re saying, I have been listening to other podcasts about no contact rule for 21, 30 or 45 days. I have a friend that did it and has been pushing me to try it. I just hoped that I wouldn’t have to go to that extent to win him back. I was hoping the hero instinct would work but he knows I’m pretty independent and can do a lot of things myself or have others that can help me if he won’t. I have tried to start a no contact on a couple of different occasions but he messages me everyday and if I ignore it than his response is “okay, bye, don’t ever contact me again, I’ll contact you when I can come get my bike and the rest of my stuff!”… he has his motorcycle at my house still and a couple of totes and I have told him a bunch of times he should come get his stuff and he always says don’t worry I will but he never does. I dont know if thats him being lazy, not wanting to see me to get it or not wanting to feel like he’s fully left me. I just feel like no matter what I do, I can’t win but I dont want to completely lose this guy from my life. I know one thing that always bothered him is that I am on talking terms with my ex before him. We were together for almost 8 years and he just was irresponsible and a cheater and I couldn’t be with him anymore but we had a lot of bills together. Of course, the more recent ex and I were friends and he was my friend and there for me as a friend and it developed into more than that. So there are a couple bills that we stayed combined on because it was cheaper to do so. Just cell phone and car insurance. I only contact that person to remind them to put money in my account but my recent ex thinks I talk to him all the time and that I still want to be with that guy. I have always told him that if that was the relationship that I wanted that thats where I would be but I don’t because of our history.
I also think that the bromance between him and his friend has done a lot of damage because he will let this guy get in his head and manipulate him. We have a dog together that I got for him but the other guy says it was never his dog because we raised her how I wanted to. My ex never had a dog before so I tried to guide him on how to make her into a good dog. I kept her at my house because he is never home between work and his bromance and doesn’t have time for her. She would sit inside all day and then again all night while he would be at his friends and she’s a very energetic dog. But because of something his friend said about how we raised her makes him feel like its not his dog.
He has lots of hurt feelings about things and I can see that but I just dont know what to do anymore. This makes week 6 since he decided to move out and about 3 since he said we’re not together anymore. Would the no contact thing work? Even if he says don’t contact me again? Is that an in the moment aggravation for him and just him lashing out but at the end of 30 days he might be alright if I do reach out to him? I clearly overthink every situation because I know deep down that I can’t personally do anything about it and in either case I may never get him back and may end up not having him in my life anymore. I have mentioned that maybe we shouldn’t talk to each other for a little bit to let us both see how we feel about it. I never let on about the whole point in no contact is for me to win him back. I do believe he loves, cares about me and misses me but I have to wonder if he did this because he thought it was just too serious and he was scared of that. I am now his longest relationship at just over three years and there were no break ups in between like he has had in the past. He has also told me that once he’s done with a person, that he’s just done, he doesn’t talk to them ever again and he early still talks to me so I have a lot that goes through my head to think about.

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