[Maria W]

Hi Kanya, thank you for the response! Yes, I showed dissapointnent to him, and he agreed with me that he did things that were disappointing to both of us. That’s the hard part here, he always told me not to stop being who I was, and to not hold back my feelings, that if I’m upset with him he doesn’t want me to hide it. When I say negativity and unhappiness, it was feelings that we both felt toward ourselves, each other, and our long distance relationship, mostly along the lines of both of us feeling sad that we’re not with each other, him feeling guilty for not being with me more or being able to be there for me more, & me telling him that I think if he just tried a little harder to communicate during the times we are apart, and also put a little more effort into making time for us to be together, I would be happier. We are only a 3 hour drive away from each other, and he comes to my city with his friends for guys weekends, where women aren’t invited, 2-3 times a year, and I’ve often expressed disappointment that he was in my city hanging out at public places, all weekend, with all his guy friends and couldn’t even think I would want to meet them for lunch or something. I’m sure that came across as sounding needy and jealous to him, but I wouldn’t feel jealous that he was choosing guys weekend over me, I get that! I would just tell him I wish he could tell his friends “hey I’m in my girl’s city and she’s going to meet us for lunch, just deal with it”. It’s not like they don’t like me or anything. He would say that he doesn’t want to spend only a few hours with me, it would be too hard. I do understand that, believe it or not, but on the other hand I want us both to be able to handle more “difficult things” rather than just pull away, not communicate, or sulk.

I suppose the final incident that led to this break or breakup, I’m not even sure at this point, was a more extreme example of the types of negativity & unhappiness that we’ve often experienced. His inaction & lack of effort toward communication in our relationship led me to express dissapointnent to him by sending him texts asking if he was ok, telling him it makes me feel bad when he chooses to completely ignore me rather than tell me he’s out drinking with his friends, giving him specific ways he can do better…for example “I’m glad you are out enjoying this beautiful day I just wish you would have said hello to me at some point, so I don’t have to get upset and worry and wonder what’s going on.” After no responses all day, he would just consider himself in the dog house and keep at it. In the past he would later apologize and tell me I’m worth trying harder for, and that I don’t deserve that behavior, and that I make him want to be a better person. This last time I am the one that told him we both need to work on our problems apart, because I don’t think we are helping each other. We didn’t talk for a few days after that, but when we did, he agreed with what I said and requested real time apart. so naturally I would think he wants time to work on his problems but when I asked him if he was actually going to work on himself his response was “That’s between me and myself I guess.” So I don’t know if he is or not. Perhaps it’s too soon for that to be happening, because I imagine the first few weeks after the break he was like a free man living it up without pressures from me. I would hope that novelty wears off and he realizes that’s not what life is always about. But if he doesn’t, I guess I’m better off for it. I just want him to realize that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing, good vs. evil, 100% happy & rewarding relationship with little effort vs. No relationship. I think even 50% happy & rewarding relationship with some effort is more realistic for us right now, and I’ll take that, because I think we have the potential to cultivate it over time and space, to boost those percentages and reduce the amount of effort it would take. I fear he’s giving up all together, and I don’t know how long I should go before reaching out, if I should at all, and if I do if it should be a quick casual “opener” or a specific request to touch base and see where we’re at. This is a tough one! Because it’s not a cut and clear break or break up, and I am supposed to have no expectations, per his request. That sounds like a break up to me, yet he refuses to tell me he wants to officially break up when I asked him to please let me know if that’s what he’s decided he wants.

[Maria W]

Hello, I didn’t forget about all of your awesome help! Just trying to keep busy and productive now that Illinois is on official shelter in place order. I don’t know if you are also in the same situation, but It really makes things a lot more difficult for me because I have zero sense of familiarity or routine. I rearranged my bedroom and living room and thought it was the best idea ever but now I’m longing for familiarity, and yearning even more to be in contact with Chris. I also think that every day that goes by where he’s not checking in on me is making me more upset, But hopefully it will get to the point where I’m just mad at him and realize I’m better off without him. But I know that’s not true because although he says he has low self-esteem and although I say he hasn’t been there for me as often as I would like, the quality of his being there for me when he was, made me feel like he really does truly care about my well being. I would like to think that he is caring for himself right now without the burden of having to care for me but I don’t know if that’s true.

to answer your question about what it was that drew me to someone with low self-esteem… well…I’ll give it a shot! I never felt that he had low self-esteem and the times that he would tell me he did, my instinct was to say what are you talking about? I don’t understand why you would even think that?! I felt that he just had too high of expectations for himself, and wasn’t happy with just being average. I guess that’s probably why he thought I had to high of expectations for him, because he couldn’t tolerate even a normal amount of negativity or unhappiness, and therefore deemed it as failing. Does that just mean he’s lazy and doesn’t want to put forth any effort if things aren’t just automatically perfect and amazing?! I don’t know.

I’m not sure if I have patterns in relationships, I’ve been married twice, to 2 completely different types of people, other than that, not too many relationships. The first marriage was definitely based on love, but started while I was still a teenager. Eventually I realized he wasn’t growing and maturing, or holding up his end of the family responsibilities; we have 2 daughters together, now teenagers. I started to resent him for not doing his share and felt like I was doing everything on my own I may as well just be on my own.

I didn’t know this at the time, but my 2nd marriage was more of a response to the lack of participation I got from the first. I did fall in love with him, but always felt like I was the queen he would do anything for, not that I was going for that, But I’ve always worked so hard and done so much more than my share in my last marriage that it was so nice, and I was so appreciative, that he wanted to do so much for me and my kids. I guess that appreciation isn’t enough on its own, because once the excitement of new love wore off, We started to feel divided against each other because I was still very independent and strong and worked hard and he didn’t like that I had my own ideas and opinions, much of which I didn’t run by him or work through together, I just did what I felt was best for me. Nothing overly selfish or wrong, I just eventually realized that I didn’t really respect him and felt that he didn’t appreciate me for the things that were important to me he just showed negativity towards the things that I lacked that were important to him.

With Chris, to be honest, he reminded me of my first husband, but with the responsibility and maturity of my second. I can honestly say that I have never felt more head over heels in love with someone than I have with Chris, and nobody has ever expressed love to me in the ways that he has. It was so gentile and passionate at the same time. It was so rewarding to feel loved back from somebody that I was so crazy about, rather than from somebody that I’ve grown with since being a teenager, or somebody that I was committed to because we made the choice to officially commit. Chris and I both agreed that we would never want to get married again and that we want to be together because we want to not because we have to. I just don’t know which one of us eventually came to feel that we needed to be together, but it seems like we’ve both come to depend on each other for happiness and reassurance. I don’t know what is so wrong with that, because if I had never met Chris I would be happy and reassured on my own. It’s just that he has brought so much happiness into my life, that now I feel that is what I’m missing. Of course I’m not going to be happy if the man that has shown me true happiness has taken it away! I just can’t figure out why he doesn’t want that happiness anymore, because I know that we have both been fairly equal in our feelings for each other. Maybe We are both just mature enough now to know that we can’t depend on another so much for happiness, and it’s a sign that we need to work on our own happiness with ourselves. Why does it have to be all or nothing though? Why do we have to deprive ourselves of the happiness that we bring to each other in order to prove that we can be happy with ourselves? Isn’t that why everyone in the world finds another to share their love with? Because I think it’s truly impossible to feel happiness on the same level as you get from a mutually loving relationship, just from yourself. That’s not how we’re wired! Self help books and every smart person in the world can tell me that I cannot find true happiness & love with another until I find that with myself, but I can’t offer myself that same caliber of love! I would be a narcissist, right? I do love myself and am very happy and proud of the person I am, but I want to love and be loved by someone who feels the same way, about theirself and about me. That is how we know we truly appreciate and deserve each other.

I think I’ve done it again! I’ve talked too much and answered my own questions. I’ve labeled Chris as the one who truly gets me, and loves me for who I am. There’s no doubt in my mind about that. I love him for who he is, but until he loves himself for who he is, he cannot be the recipient or the giver of the same type of love that I give and expect.

[Maria W]

Thank you Heidi, for the wonderful analogy and exercise! I am definitely going to try that exercise, and I think I will try to find a way to customize it with songs, because one thing I’m experiencing right now is fear of not being able to listen to songs that I am so emotionally connected to because of him.

So based on your garbage can analogy and the comments you said specific to him after that, it sounds like there is no hope for me to ever live a happy life with him in it. No hope for him to build up self esteem? I definitely know that I have to make my own choices, But the advice I’ve gotten from both of you has been the most thoughtful, realistic, and heartfelt advice I’ve ever gotten on this. So I am inclined to find strength and recovery by remembering and rereading the things that you & Kanya have said.

If you guys think it’s clear that I am wasting my time holding out for hope of salvaging this relationship, please take one more opportunity to help embed that into my psyche. I would greatly appreciate some final words of strength and support from you both, specific to whether or not I should ever try and contact him again, for closure, reconciliation, or not at all, and also what I should do if he contacts me. You have both given me a lot of insight as to what’s going on with him, and this whole interaction on this site has clarified and eased many of my most painful feelings and struggles. I think after hearing a few more specific instructions, I will have enough to get me started on recovery. (Basically I’m asking if you guys can pretend like I am a 4-year-old who needs basic instructions, specific to communicating with him (or not) from here on, so I can have a clear concise summary to refer to when I am feeling weak and wanting to reach out to him! A reality Check, per se.) Thank you Thank you Thank you both!

[Maria W]

Everything you are both saying definitely makes sense. It is still not easy for me to process that he is struggling with demons, because that ignites my instincts of wanting to help and comfort him even more, but I understand and accept the fact that it’s not my job, nor would it even work. He needs to figure his own life and self out, without the additional pressures of a relationship, and expectations, whether stated or developed over time, and I think more importantly, without the feelings of guilt associated with disappointing me.

From what he’s shared with me in the past, I sense that he feels more like a failure in many areas, than a success. He lacks self confidence almost to a fault,and is often consumed by fears that the closest people in his life are disappointed with him. He’s said this about work, family, & friends, and I never could see what he was talking about. His family is extremely loving and his parents dote on him. The odd thing is, he conveys confidence outwardly, and doesn’t seem to care what strangers and people who aren’t in his life think of him. I know that he went through a tough time as a teenager, and he says it was the only time he gave his parents hell, and it was because of his obsession with his girlfriend at that time. He also went through a period of drug use with a very bad & addictive drug in high school, but he said his parents never knew, and he quickly realized that he was going to far, and just stopped cold turkey, and has never touched it since. That was very surprising for me to find out, because he is so paranoid of doing the wrong thing and getting in trouble now. He is not one to shake the boat, or call attention to himself. It just hurts me so much to see such a good caring person, who obviously wants to do right by everyone, struggle so much with feelings of self doubt. Especially when he’s told me that having me in his life has been the best thing that ever happened to him, and he doesn’t know where he would be without me. It’s just hard to process that. I completely understand now why he needs a break from me, and I want to give that to him. I just want so badly for him to do the right things for himself, and it’s killing me that cutting me out has to be considered one of those things. I understand it, just have a hard time processing it. Does that make sense? I think it’s because the truth hurts, and the truth is that he would rather avoid any feelings of pain than seek true happiness. You are both correct in saying that he is avoiding those feelings by seeking the temporary pleasure of socializing and drinking, and using that in excess as a band-aid. Whereas I am the type to embrace and explore all of my feelings, good and bad, and try and figure them out and apply them toward fixing my problems. I think that’s where we started to fall apart. My feelings were too much for him, and he isn’t ready to face his own feelings, much less mine. That’s the sad truth, and I know there is nothing I can or should do about it at this time. I just hope he is smart enough to realize that all of that isn’t the real deal, and it’s not going to help him get rid of his demons. It’s just going to make it worse. But I know I can’t convince him of that, and I won’t try.

I need to take your advice and keep doing what I’m doing to process this pain correctly, and apply it positively toward figuring out why I care so much about this person who is obviously not in the same place as me. I need to work on getting strong enough to accept the possibility that he may not be capable of self reflection and change. That’s much easier to say than do, because I am very self confident, and do think the world of myself, and have many hobbies and projects going, just like I have had over our 2 year relationship, but that also makes it an extra difficult blow to my self confidence and general happiness, because I can’t shake the feelings of rejection that someone as amazing as me is not enough to make him happy and inspire him to self reflect and change. The thing that hurts the most is that it makes me feel like I’m not worth it to him, he’s choosing drinking with friends over making the changes necessary to accept the love, support, and happiness that comes from a loving relationship with an amazing woman. I feel like he’s willing to accept a lesser quality life, and possibly look for a different woman and relationship that wouldn’t cause him so much pain and sadness. I know it’s not that black and white though, I know, it’s just so hard not to feel that way. And it’s especially hard to focus on all of my own hobbies and happiness because I am always sad and miss having him in my life. Please just virtually slap me upside the head! I keep going in circles!

Thank you both for your efforts and support, I am very glad I posted on here. I have always kept journal’s for myself, and even written so many things that I’d like to say to him, with no intention of sending them, and that definitely helps me sort my feelings out, but nothing helps the way this does, writing in a way where I know it’s not just going to be read by me, and actually looking forward to someone responding to help me process those feelings. It’s definitely a great form of therapy, and worth so much. I hope it also helps others on this site, not just for help with similar issues, but to see the power in writing!

[Maria W]

Hi Kanya – That is one of my traits that I consider both a blessing and a curse, the need to figure things out! I agree with you, I have way to many questions that I may never get the answers to. I don’t expect you to have them, I’m just expressing myself in hopes of getting some better clarity. So far it’s been working, because everything you have said definitely makes sense.

My boyfriend, Chris, is 42, and I am 43. He was divorced and living apart from his ex-wife for a year before we started seeing each other. I know that’s not much time in the scheme of things, but he was so on board with our relationship taking off the way it did, and together a precedence developed for daily communication, whether it was hours on the phone, multiple times a day, sending meaningful songs to each other, brief check-ins, Face time where just seeing each others eyes took us to a completely different level, his requests that I let him know when I make it home safe whenever I’m out…this was all stuff that he’s led me to believe he wants.

I hope you believe me when I say that I agree that it’s healthy to be single after a divorce. I have always expressed to him that I know how important his social life is right now, and always, for that matter. I guess I am judging the quality and quantity of time that he spends on that, in respect to how it affects our relationship. His group of friends are mostly all married, some with children, but it seems to me like they all spend more time apart from their families than most women would appreciate. I know it sounds wrong for me to judge other people’s relationship dynamics, and I’m not saying they aren’t all ok with whatever terms their relationships are on, but overall, I get the impression that they are in mid-life situations where they are seeking more fun and excitement from each other than their daily lives and responsibilities. Although their wives may be fine with this, that’s not my place to judge, their wives also have the daily interaction and commitment with their men, and whatever else they share between them. Chris and I act as a closely connected couple when we have the time for each other, and we both enjoy having each other in our lives without having to make a commitment. The problem is, even though we’ve agreed that we don’t want or need a commitment, he has acted unspoken as if he his committed. He’s done this in all the ways I’ve mentioned above in my 2nd paragraph. But try fitting that in with Ping Pong (aka drinking) Club on Monday nights, Pinball & Campfires on any given weeknight, Friday night Beer Tasting parties, Saturday morning Brunch (Daydrinking), which just flows into Saturday night, and ends with complete vegetative state on Sunday, only to start it all back up again on Monday night Ping Pong. Of course this sounds like a dream come true for many people, and how can I expect Chris to want to miss out on any of that fun to give me some of his attention? But he claims that all of that is unfulfilling to him, and he gets down on himself for having his priorities messed up, and he admits to me that if I were in his life more, he would not seek all of that entertainment. When he is spending the weekend with me, whether at my house or at his, he completely ignores all of his friends’ texts and requests, and if I mention that we should meet them for breakfast or something he responds with something like “Nah, I see those losers all the time, I want to just focus on you.” That doesn’t necessarily make me feel good because I feel like he doesn’t want me to see that side of him, the side that he is not most proud if.

To answer the questions in your last paragraph, we have never officially agreed on setting parameters for communication, we’ve just kindof set a precedence. After the first few months of wanting to be in communication with each other as often as possible, eventually it evened out to a typical day of consisting of a good morning text, usually from him first because he gets up much earlier, it would vary in substance in sincerity, which is fine with me, because I know he can’t always think of sweet witty things to say, but he always expressed concerns that he wished he did always have something good to say. We’d keep in touch randomly throughout the day if something in particular came up, but there was no expectations that we would talk or text at all even, until the end of our work days, when we would “check in” with each other, usually from him saying something like “Long day, I’m whooped, going to play pinball, Can I call you when I get home?”. I would say “Sure, have fun!” or “Glad it’s over for you, we’ll talk eventually, call me if you’re up for it, otherwise we can talk tomorrow.” If I had anything in particular I wanted to talk to him about I would tell him and ask if we could chat for a minute, or give him a heads up that I wanted to talk about something in particular, and he would always willingly accommodate me. Often times he would tell me he’d call me, as if he felt he had to, and I would say “You don’t have to call me later! Have fun and don’t worry about me!”, and he would say “What if I want to? I enjoy talking to you.” And usually we would. But more and more often, in the past year, he would tell me he’d call me, and then just not do it, or not even check in at all, and I would find myself just waiting around to hear from him, because I wanted to respect his space, and not be needy, but really I missed just sharing daily life with him. Eventually something would happen where he would just check out, and assume I was mad at him for not calling, and then I really would get upset. He would tell me that he felt bad for not calling, and then he would get it in his head that he’s upset me, and then he would just consider it a free pass to continue upsetting me, and continue avoiding the conflict that would ensue once he did finally communicate with me. This made me feel like he really needed a break from not just me, but the unspoken expectations he’s led me to have. When we finally would talk, I would not yell or go for low blows, I would just tell him how his lack of effort, and avoidance of me hurts, and how I wish he would just want to talk to me and give me some more time. I really felt that it wasn’t asking much, given the amount of time he spends doing things with his friends that he claims doesn’t make him feel good about himself.

The last time this happened, we talked on a Friday night, just regular conversation, everything was good, we shared the events of the day, made plans to get together in the coming weeks, and said goodnight. The next day, I didn’t hear from him at all, which is unusual, because he often calls on Saturdays just to say hi in a more relaxed weekend kind of way. Finally around 4PM, I sent him a text that just said “Hi”, to which I got no response, then an hour later I said “Why can’t you give me one goshdarn hello today? What the hell are you doing?” The context was playful, which I would have expected him to understand, but I could be wrong. About an hour later he responded with just a picture of his friends in the woods playing disc golf with coolers and beers. I said “Pictures don’t count as communication.” And he sent me another picture that he spent time to search up on the internet, of a sign that said “Gone fishing.”. That made my heart sink, and I responded with “You’re probably to wasted already to communicate.” I left it alone and a few hours later I called him, and he didn’t answer. I’ll admit, I should have taken the hint, but I called him again and left him a voicemail just telling him to please just stop shutting me out and communicate for a minute so I can stop thinking he’s being a jerk. I called one more time an hour later, and he answered, but was too drunk to hold a conversation. He said “I should’ve just said hello.” And then he had to go because he was going to be sick. I then sent him a long text telling him we need to spend time apart working on our problems, because we can’t work on them together, and we can’t let them affect our relationship in this way. I told him he needs to get a handle on his excessive binge drinking and on whether or not he wants to be in a relationship. I didn’t communicate with him for a few days, until I asked him if he wanted to talk about this break, and he reluctantly did, and that’s when he said that he agreed with everything I said, and he needs some real time apart.

After writing all of this, and such long previous posts, I realized that I know there is no other answer than, he needs time to get himself together and figure out what he wants out of life, he should have spent more time single before developing a relationship with me because he obviously wasn’t ready, and he needs to decide for himself if he is ready to be one half of this particular relationship. I see that he is not capable at this time of being someone who doesn’t disappoint me, and he is not happy with himself, so how can he make me happy. That’s all so obvious to me, and I’m sure to you as well. I just don’t understand how someone, especially at age 42, can be so torn between the need to choose only one or the other, of such extreme lifestyles, and not be able to choose balancing both. I am seriously afraid that he is 100% giving up all hope of making life choices that will ever make him truly happy. I feel like he is giving in to his feelings of not being good enough, and considering it all or nothing, like “May as well be the loser that she thinks I am and not have to worry about the pressures and expectations of making myself or anyone else happy”. I am having such a hard time sitting back and letting that happen, but I know there’s not much else to do but cut my losses, and leave him to it. I think I need to accept the fact that it didn’t work, and regardless of how much we’ve shared, how much he cares about me, and how perfect we are for each other, it is not the right time or place for this to work. I just don’t know if I can leave it at that, without trying a few more times sometime in the future, or without closure from him.

Kanya, I thank you so much for reading all of this and responding to me. I know it’s way too many words, and I know I may never know all of the answers. But just having an outlet to write it all down in a place where I know others may be interpreting it differently than I’m feeling, helps me see things a little clearer. And I would like your advice on whether or not you think there are any more steps for me to take in trying to repair and save this relationship, because I really do want to, and I don’t want to go after it the wrong way. Thank you.

[Maria W]

Hello Kanya, thank you for your response, and I especially appreciate it during this time of need for the whole world. It actually makes me feel ridiculous for reaching out with personal relationship issues, but also, a time like this actually makes me want to feel closer to him and puts me in a different state of turmoil because he has always been so protective of me and I feel very confused not having him in my life at this time. I have said before that I am very independent and more often than not, I’m not looking for him to make decisions for me, even though he often wants to, I’ve just learned to count on having him in my life to listen and help me put things in perspective. It’s so tricky to balance between being a needy person who counts on somebody for something versus sharing daily life together and enjoying the support we get from each other.

I guess the reason why I wrote was twofold. the bigger underlying struggle of mine is that after 2 mostly amazing wonderful caring years from him through a long distance relationship, he has requested to spend some real time apart. I would like to expand on that because the other reason is rather mute at this point, because I’ve already decided to travel. Regarding that, I know its not the best idea and I have plenty of friends and family telling me good advice however I felt that my boyfriend has a great point of view for this particular situation because he knows my boss and he knows how sometimes my boss can overlook things that may be in my best interest. My boss is definitely a great guy and we are working very closely together in an important time in our company to build a department. I recently got a very nice promotion and I feel the need to follow his lead through these types of decisions. I could have used my boyfriend’s opinion to help me see a little clearer if my boss is expecting too much of me, yet I can and have survived without his help. I was really just looking to see if this would be a good or bad opportunity to reach out and try to ignite his hero instinct. not that I am trying to use this horrible situation to my personal advantage, but I know that it is igniting an instinct in me to connect and feel protected by him and I thought it may be for him as well. Like I said in the original post, he was often looking for ways to help me and guide me and I don’t think our love languages were the same in that respect. I wanted his help and guidance through support and time from him spent on talking to me whereas he wanted to just fix the problem.

Of course I would welcome any feedback from you on my train of thought there and I expect that I am so bound up by grief right now that I am not seeing things clearly, But I would like to now focus on the bigger issue in our relationship and see if I can get some clarity and guidance from this community.

My boyfriend is the type to live in the moment and put 100% into everything and everyone he is with at the time. You can see why that would make me feel absolutely amazing when we are together yet when we are not It’s quite the opposite. He has always admitted that he struggles with balance and cannot figure out how to take the time to give enough attention to my needs while we are not together. But I feel that I’ve always told him that my needs aren’t too crazy, and all it takes is a quick good morning text or setting aside 5 minutes to call me and tell me he’ll be busy and he just wanted to say hello versus just going and doing his things, which almost always consists of hanging out with his friends way too late and drinking too much, so that he is in no position to give me any time after he’s finally home. He has asked me multiple times to remind him gently to get his butt home at a certain time because he admits he needs my help keeping him accountable. I’ve always told him that it’s not my job to nag him and make him come home early and I certainly don’t want him to cut his night short just so he can talk to me. I usually encouraged him to just spend a little time up front and then he wouldn’t even need to communicate with me at the end of the night. whenever he does make self-proclaimed poor choices and stays out or gets too drunk to talk to me he tells me he feels bad and regrets it and needs to get his act together and “show some integrity to the people he cares about the most.” He has often been very sad while we are apart and would talk about how great it would be if we could live closer to each other. We’ve talked about living on an island together someday and the possibility of building a home together in the next few years. I think he is experiencing guilt at not being enough for me in many ways, and one particular point of contention is that I don’t want to move away in the foreseeable future because I share custody with my 10 year old son, who lives with his dad, and I see my son multiple times a week and he stays overnight with me at least once a weekend. My boyfriend gets along famously with my son and we all know our boundaries and limits with each other. He does not have any children, and has been divorced for 3 years, after being in an unhappy marriage for 8. We connected when we were both a year out from our divorces, which also may be part of the reason we instantly felt such strong feelings for each other and are now taking a step back. But the reason I think he feels guilty is that he won’t leave his close community of friends and family to come be with me. And I don’t want him to, I’ve always made that clear to him. I understand that he needs his friends and family right now and he needs to feel happy with himself and his situation, and we should see each other as happy additions to each other’s lives when we can be. I think we can both do this for the foreseeable future until we are both at a good place to move forward. But he has expressed to me that he struggles between wanting to move forward with the relationship and being afraid to set us up for failure. He sees himself as failing me every time he chooses friends over me, or chooses to make bad decisions that he wants to try harder at not making. I don’t see those things as failing me, I think he disappoints me when he tells me he will call me and he just doesn’t because he got too drunk, and I express disappointment that he chooses to spend 13 hours of his Saturday after spending 8 hours the night before with them, and planning to spend the next day doing stuff with his friends as well, all while leaving me for last, after he’s done with all of those things. And too worn out to even want to positively engage with me.

As I write this it appears as if he is just a party guy with no plans of being tied down, and little interest in me. I know that’s not entirely true, because he is very responsible with work and his family and when he is actually with me. when we are together he dotes on me and tells me he would just lay there all weekend and hold me if he could, and forget about the world. she tells me he doesn’t know where he would be without me because he was in such a depressed state when we first started seeing each other. He tells me I’m perfect and stares at me as if I am truly beautiful. The last time I saw him he touched my face and played with my hair for a half hour after being intimate. he single-handedly helped me move my entire house last summer and took my dog with him who I had to rehome. He arranged a surprise Christmas gift for me to be delivered to my house and had my daughter decorate the wrapping paper with personalized art. He was one half of this relationship that I’ve come to value having in my life. By doing all those wonderful things and showing me his love in all of those ways, he had a huge role in leading me to feel that he is committed to our relationship and wants to be there for me. It’s just that half of him wants to go all in and have a happy life with me but the other half thinks it’s an all or nothing deal and he either has to choose all me or none of me, because he can’t balance.

My biggest question is why can’t he choose both? We both agree that it’s great seeing each other every couple weeks & missing each other and not getting bored with the day-to-day that most couples eventually experience. We both agree that we each need our own time and space apart as well to deal with our own lives and fairly recent divorces. We both agree that we are perfect for each other and have brought so much happiness and joy to each other during a time that could have been so dark. So why would he choose to replace all of that with being single and not having me at all, rather than taking the time and space we already spend apart, to have his fun and work on the things he wants to improve? I feel like he has his cake and can eat it too he has the freedom of living the bachelor life but he gets to see a wonderful woman every couple weeks. Is it my need for daily interaction that has caused him to feel pressured to change? Or pressure to “not fail me”? He has said so many times that he is not happy with his life but he is extremely happy with having me in his life. I just don’t understand how he can consider the possibility of not ever having me in his life at all as the best thing for him to do right now when he so obviously wants to make better choices, and do better for himself and for me. I feel like without me in the picture he is just going to give in to the demons that he’s said he’s been fighting. I know he needs to spend time with his friends, and he needs to spend time apart from me, and he needs to do things that don’t add pressure to his life, but he is the one that said all of those things are meaningless and empty and the most important thing is staring him in the face, which is me. And now he’s choosing to give up what he claims was the most important thing in favor of losing all hope for us to ever have a happy relationship together.
I just really need some perspective and help in understanding this, so that I can either give him the time he needs, without having to feel so rejected and being in turmoil, trying to figure out why he’s doing this, or just accept the fact that it’s not meant to be and work on getting over him.

I know it’s impossible to ever truly know, but it is highly unlikely that there is another woman. He is so much deeper than that, and I truly feel that the connection we’ve shared is deep and meaningful, and most other women would not be able to offer the things that he’s always said he loves about me. He’s told me he’s shared more with me than anyone in his entire life, and that I am the most unique special person he’s ever met. It could sound to you guys like a load of BS, but I know it’s not. He has always been brutally honest and very insecure. Could it be possible that our relationship is just too much feeling for him? Too much pressure not to fail? Could he really, at age 42, just want to live the bachelor life, void of all of the feelings I bring out in him? Void of all of the praise I give him? Void of all of the pressure to continue being one half of a meaningful deep relationship?

Please help me understand, so I can be at peace with this time apart, and prepare myself if need be to be at peace with a permanent breakup. Thank you so much for your guidance.

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