[ESE H]

Hey Heidi,

Since it’s still long distant, I am not going to elaborate much until I can see him in person to solidify what I feel. I met him from a private FB group. He lives in NY and travels for work. We use Hangouts to connect daily. Yes, it’s been fun. I am almost afraid to say he fits everything that I listed in my wishlist. It’s so weird but I am grateful. He is trusting, patient, a good leader (you can say an influencer of some sort), forward thinking, and even romantic. We both value honesty and quickly became best friends. Like he knew a lot about me more than my ex and MJ in such as short time. He was raised Catholic like me, but more spiritual than super religious. He is fun, witty, humble and reserved even successful. He looks for true love like me. No kids. Never been married but has had serious relationships before but the woman before me wasn’t supportive. We shared similar life priorities and definitions of trust and important elements of relationships. We both could be busy but we managed to touch base daily. He sent nice messages and already thinks of our future together from travel destinations, work arrangements to potential family arrangements. So I am just going day by day in learning and showing up authentically, which helps create that momentum. The best part about being long distant and connecting online is I have been more authentic than ever before including expressing both good and not so good emotions. Both ways, he accepts me patiently, which helps me even more loving to myself and to him. I don’t have the fear I used to have with both my ex and MJ which is I was afraid to trigger him. I feel that I can be more myself if not better version of myself with this guy. So, today we talked about ideas on how to make long distant work, so we will try movie night this Sunday.

The new thing also is my older daughter moved to Texas to live with her boyfriend and his Mom. I had my sad Mom separation moment yesterday. My new guy comforted me.

Business wise is going steadily and starting to pick up which is hopeful. I did my first video shoot with me in it. It was an experience for sure since I was quite stiff at the beginning but managed to get warmed up towards the end. lol. First time always the hardest right? Anyway, things are going well so far. Thanks to all of your advice, Heidi. It feels good to get a handle of myself, being authentic and even more courageous in love and life nowadays. I’ve never wanted a long distant relationship before until this guy showed up and changed that. He is good at staying in touch, which makes this possible. I told him that. This is his first long distant relationship too but we both feel like we could be soulmate. Only time will tell, I guess. Overall, I am quite pleased :).

[ESE H]

Hi Heidi,

Sorry for my late reply. Been pretty swamped with my web build and new clients. Good stuff. I actually love how wise your answers is to my question. It makes sense. You are right that it depends on the guy and how he is and how safe he makes me fell. I am learning lately to be more courageous in love and life and weigh all the risks and gains so I will proceed in life without regrets while pursuing the best. I’ve started online dating and having fun while building my own stuff btw. I might have found my ideal man (we clicked on so many levels, including romantic part) but I want to give it some time to be very certain since it’s still long distant relationship. I am hopeful.
Thought to share a hope since you’ve been there for me. Thanks, Heidi.

[ESE H]

Hi Heidi,

Yes, that’s correct. That’s my bare minimum about a guy. My ex didn’t have that. I personally like to buy stuff but I make sure I have fund for necessities put aside. So I think I would expect my guy to be the same. First we put fund aside for necessities and monthly bills, then we put some savings aside, and last we can splurge the rest with either stuff, donation or vacay. He just has to have this basic priorities correct.

What if your guy ask for a loan on his temporary issue? Imagine he is a successful man but got in a bit of a situation temporarily, and you know he is normally generous for people. Would you recommend helping him out? What if helping him out could jeopardize my own finance stability?

Any advice on how to respond to this type of situation? Thanks, Heidi.

[ESE H]

Hi Heidi,

Thanks for sending the link. Sorry I’ve been super busy. I will check this out and try to apply.
I love how you describe that respectful argument. I will keep this in mind as I think it’s effective for healthy long relationship.

Responsible man is someone who can support himself financially and not overspend for hobbies beyond his ability to afford. This is my bare minimum requirement. An even more responsible man is someone who not only support himself but also support his family well. So that’s what I mean by responsible and independent. They don’t rely on their women to support them.
Hope that answered your question.

[ESE H]

Hi Heidi,

Okay I see your point about the tech savvy part. I guess what I bothered me was if a man is not resourceful enough to create his own independence to function as a responsible man. Maybe resourceful is more of the proper word vs tech savvy?

I agree with you on the respect and kindness during argument. How do you do that? I didn’t see the link to the blog posts. Could you please resend? I want to learn from examples.

Thanks, Heidi.

[ESE H]

Hi Heidi,

Can I say I just love how you intervene my obliviousness about this topic? Okay I will of course follow your guidance with 1 question at a time. BTW I got that book on Audible pre-order. Unfortunately won’t be available until January 2021. I realized it after I purchased it. Oh well.

Back to your question. Hmm.. when we argue, I ideally would like to both realize how we hate the fact that we are arguing at the moment, but we both know that we both are strong in our stand and both could be right within our own context. Take a deep breath. We would look at each other and simply said I’m sorry I don’t understand your point at this moment but let me think about this and can I come back to you with more questions? I want us to see eye to eye but I don’t want to say anything further that will hurt you and I can’t take back. Can we reconvene on this in 2 days or so? Then we will do our own thinking separately, then maybe within the next 2 days, we would reconvene to have further discussion and will cooler heads and our spirit to understand the other person’s shoes. We will continue this process until we are able to see eye to eye or be in peace with full understanding why we are different in this particular topic that we argued about. Hope this helps.

To answer your questions on my man list, I guess the math, the computer things are not deal breakers to date, but I must say it will be deal breakers for long term relationship. I am attracted to tech savvy people because they are much more fun to and efficient to me. I have no patient for guys who are too traditional and need help with computer. I saw how my ex and my ex father in-law being this way, and they irritated me. The world is moving into digital world. Having guys who don’t adapt with tech could result in survival deficiency which will contribute to my feeling safe with them. That’s why.

Thoughts? Btw, I told one friend to join the forum and shared how you’ve been helping me a lot. Thanks Heidi.

[ESE H]

Hi Heidi,

Thank you for guiding me in this process. It really helps to gain clarity with myself in what I want.

Let’s start with intelligence. I can use my Dad as a benchmark. I like a man to be good at math and strategy to succeed in his career. He is also street smart (high EQ) that he can get along with people at any levels to get this job done effectively. He doesn’t get easily offended and triggered. He can converse deep philosophical thoughts that are not common to people. His ability to process how the world works is high. He doesn’t just follow what the society tells him to do. He challenges the status quo when it doesn’t feel right in his gut and he is smart enough to figure out his strong position in that. He is able to communicate his profound thoughts to me so I can learn from him as well. And he is also smart enough to recognize smart, wise woman like me and not just go for the next any pretty girl on the street. He is smart enough not to sleep around with many women without proper protection or get taken advantage of by gold diggers. He is smart enough to pick his battles and good at providing win-win solutions in relationships. He can pick up the humor when I tease him. I can live without the smartness that manipulative and self-absorbed arrogance. He doesn’t have to be super smart in tech but needs to know how to use computer and smart phone. My ex wasn’t computer nor tech savvy at all. He doesn’t have to be super intelligent in taking care of kids, animals, home chores but needs to have decent common sense about these or want to participate in learning what he doesn’t know that is important for the family function. He doesn’t have to be super intelligent in psychology but has to have common sense to live through life as valuable citizen.
Is there other intelligence that I don’t know about? What is body intelligence?

Humor – yes, he needs to be able make me laugh or smile. When he teases me, it’s actually funny and clever/ witty, not mean or demeaning. No slap stick jokes. I want us to be able to connect with same observations about a situation or someone and crack jokes amongst us in the proper way to make us have closer bond. Kinda like that TV series the Office between Jim and Pam. His humor is high class and conceptual. MJ has a bit of this sense of humor. He can create funny analogies about people and a situation. He can humor himself and laugh at himself. He doesn’t take himself too seriously. I also often use analogies about things that could be funny and insightful. I want original humor. If he is trying to imitate someone, he needs to be pretty right on funny about it. He doesn’t have to be the funniest guy in the room and not looking to be the center of the attention. I prefer him to be the reserved one but when he says something, it will shockingly funny and insightful. Endearing kinda way. Does that explain it?

Wise – to me, wise means someone who has gone through a lot of life challenges and learned the lessons and moved on being better version of themselves. He didn’t let life beat him down and changed his good core character. He can be a tiny bit bitter about it but didn’t dwell in the pain and know how to navigate his emotions. He is wise in picking the right battle to focus on. For example, he won’t pick a fight with a dumb person who won’t ever get to the higher level of thinking that he has. However, he is respectful and not insulting to those people with lower level of intelligence. Instead, he feels simply grateful for what he has, and further, he will help others to improve when they seek him. He is also wise in weighing his risks and choosing one that gives him the best chances to grow and to succeed long term. He is wise enough not to take the first opportunity for short gain that sold his soul. He stays true to his character and who he is made of and have enough faith that the right opportunity will come along. This doesn’t mean that he won’t work on a job he doesn’t like to support the family temporarily. He has to be wise enough to weigh his life responsibilities and make the temporary sacrifice to get to the fulfilling life. He needs to be spiritual and action driven to follow his heart and gut feel. I don’t want a guy who talks about spirituality and religion without the real actions to match. This will annoy me big time. I want a man who mean what he says and is consistent about it. He is mindful about his life and being real with himself and others.

Generous heart means, he gives himself generously both in time, wisdom and money. When I say money, he doesn’t just give it to anyone. He will be wise enough to know when is the time to contribute to his money to certain causes he believes in and when to withhold his charity to people who is manipulative. He is generous to good-hearted people, his family, his friends and his loyal team members. He loves to see people grow and become better in their life. He got fulfillment from helping others get on the right path. He loves me beyond his love for himself. He is selfless. Because he is this giving, in turn, I would feel compelled to love him back in greater capacity. He will give time to people but not let himself overstretched thin and not meet his goals. This is where his intelligence and wisdom could come into play. He will make time for people and plan ahead so he doesn’t have to sacrifice his own time and drop his own ball sorta speak.
I cannot stand a stingy man that controls money. My Dad is a great benchmark. He gives my Mom and the kids the freedom to spend the money but our family doesn’t take advantage of him. We are still respectful to this freedom he gave us. I will do the same with this man. I will be the one to be timid in getting a nicer car even he has the money because I don’t value fancy cars. I’d rather spend it on a nicer home and vacation lifestyle way of living. I want this man to be generous in his spending for our fun family time because he values family. I also will support him to be generous in time, wisdom and money to his dedicative team who contributed to his success, as I am the same way with my team currently when I can afford it. MJ was good at all 3 when I first met him but he lacks the wisdom to set boundaries which caused him to suffer financially a couple of time. So, my Dad is a great benchmark for generous heart, wise, and intelligent.

Thoughts?

[ESE H]

Hi Kanya,
Thank you for your reply. Interesting about your point of view on wisdom as inner knowing. I’m going to invite Heidi to jump in on this as well, since we were discussing that wisdom comes from having high EQ as well as willingness and ability to process and apply what we learned. The question is can someone have wisdom without intelligence? Can intelligent people have no wisdom? Which one comes first? Which one encompassing both? The greater bucket I should say? I am guessing wisdom but not sure. Another question is sense of humor vs optimist vs high EQ? I’m hoping to narrow down my list but putting these attributes into larger character bucket. Hope that makes sense.
Any suggestion on the words for wise vs generous heart?

[ESE H]

Hi Heidi,
Yes, your explanation about EQ and wisdom makes sense and deep. Thank you for explaining the distinction so well. You brought me closer to my other non-negotiable list: wise. Is that an accurate word for it though? Or is it generous and healing heart? MJ has the EQ and want to heal but lacks the ability to heal on his own, I’ve noticed. I want a person with EQ but also want to heal and have the skillset to heal. Can men have that type of heart? Could women be the one with the heart and men with the mind? I always wonder about this and want to set the realistic expectations for men. Maybe I just haven’t met many men with this caliber of heart. I am grateful for your help to get to me to this point where I can notice a trigger and was able to diffuse it because of my care to my own well being, and not let past pains tell me the same old painful stories.

This week, like with the scammer thing, I had moments I almost felt upset that why bad guys come to test my heart again, but I quickly separated that thought from who I am. I am okay and I am still kind and authentically me. My authentic self will defend me and protect me but at the same time will call them out on it because I don’t like bullies and will not want to continue to bully people. Then, I realized that even bad people come to my life to help me gain my inner strength and inner worth as well as independence to be happy. I am feeling good, proud, confident even in my vulnerable state which made me cry yesterday. I just prayed for it and was able to find peace at the end of the day because I honored all of my feelings and acted with the respect of all of those.

About unconditional love, you are right about that. Not in traditional sense. I completely understand what you meant about unconditional acceptance. That’s what I have now with my ex. I still have unconditional love to him as a human being, as my companion for 18 years and as the father of my girls. I still love him for the good that he have brought to our life but he violated my core values in a big way that I cannot accept him unconditionally. I still pray for his happiness and say grace for good things he has done for me such as my own personal growth out of the situation, but I will never be able to go back to that relationship in the same capacity as before. So, I don’t have unconditional acceptance for his presence in my life. You have made another great distinction, Heidi. Thank you. I was wondering about unconditional love term too before. It helps me to put the right words for some of these distinction.

So far, here are the non-negotiable list that I’ve gathered by digging deeper into the definitions of each word:
1. Authentic & sincere (no faking things out of ego)
2. High EQ
3. Wise + generous heart ?
4. Integrity —> any thoughts on this definition?
5. Intelligent –> the person has to be smart to me but is this under wise too? Someone has to be intelligent to be wise right?
6. Sense of humor –> not sure if this is part of the high EQ? Being able to view a challenging situation and see the silver lining and make light of it. Or maybe I should use the word an “Optimist” instead?
7. Courageous –> brave to embrace new ideas, take calculated risks, challenge status quo as he sees necessary, and to express his most vulnerable feelings even though he isn’t sure how it’s going to be perceived but he did it because he honors that feeling and feel that it’s important to be shared, in case it means something to the other people. I see this as an attractive quality because he is putting his own ego in the line for greater cause, which tells me that he is not selfish and care for others.

Any thoughts?

[ESE H]

Hi Heidi,

Hmmm… that’s an interesting thought. I guess it will be naive to think that huh? I can see that with MJ when at one point, we seemed to be fully aligned but there is a trigger that I didn’t intend to do, he could snap and almost cut me off. Like his past pain controlled his current decision or behaviors. That makes me realize how important it is for a person to be in peace with themselves in order to minimize this past pain triggers. So, that land me to one non-negotiable list: emotional stability or strength. I need someone who is well aware of themselves, their past, and have their own coping mechanism internally to handle challenges, misunderstanding etc. Is this what you call EQ?

True love to me is loving someone unconditionally as they are in current moment. You can see their flaws and thought those flaws are cute or what make them unique to you. I have a bit of this to MJ where I thought his flaws were cute. True love is the inner strength to choose what’s best for the one you love even if you are uncertain how you would cope with it. You couldn’t help but to want them to be happy because their happiness is what fulfills your soul. Obviously this doesn’t include letting them cheat on you. I am talking about supporting your true love to fly and achieve their dreams even if it means it will cost a lot $$ or sacrifices to get there. True love is the exchange of willingness to support one another to be their best self. True love is attracted to one another to spend time together often with no specific agenda. Any follow-up questions?

[ESE H]

Hi Kanya,

Sorry for my late reply. Thanks for your observations and follow-up questions. I recently designed a self-love notepad for a client and she gave me some to me as trade. This notepad is cool because it has areas for self-check ins, gratitude space, today’s mantra, self-care notes, etc.
So I’ve been using this notepad daily which has helped me feel more grounded and grateful. As far as validating myself, I am getting into a habit of catching myself when I feel a bit deflated because I was somewhat waiting for a validation from someone. Then, I corrected myself. I don’t need other people’s validation because only I know me the best. So as you suggested, I need to self-validate myself. I’ve been writing new affirmations, daily mantra on paper with marker and taping them on the large wall in front of my desk. So I’m looking at the big picture of this wall as it’s getting filled up more and more. When I feel a bit down, I simply look up and reading all the stuff I wrote and feel validated again and I just keep going.

There is something that I thought is interesting that I feel proud about. I recently joined a FB group of one of my distant mentor. Then, that mentor saw how much I’ve been an advocate of his work that he asked me to DM me in the private FB group. I bluntly asked him if this is really him and shared about my concern about online scammers. This mentor said he understands and said that I made him smile then sent me his 2 candid pics, but then he steered me to connect at Google Hangouts. The old me would have fallen into my naive self without thinking. This time, I feel strongly about my gut feel. When I got connected with him during hangouts, I felt that he is kinda off. Like he is not whom I thought since I have followed him for quite some time. I noticed this person answers short and vague while the mentor I know seemed to like to talk and explain things. He asked for my hobbies and when he shared his hobbies, they don’t seemed to match up a few things I know. So I reached out to his support team to validate if this person’s email truly was my mentor’s as I suspected it to be a scam. Although I must say this person is a good scammer & quite smooth at ducking some of my skeptic questions. Before the support team gets back to me, I had 99% certainty that this person is a scammer because of my ability to read character and truthful answers from someone who is genuine. The next day, the support team confirmed that this email doesn’t belong to this mentor and it is most likely is a scam. So, I validated my gut feel. Then, I thought maybe I have a little fun with this scammer. I asked him why he does what he does. His answer was “been busy. how are you?” Right then, I told him off that I would feel better if he would just admit that he is not who he says he is. And I asked if he finds joy in scamming women. Further, I told him whatever his reasons are, he can change. If he has ill intention, this is not the place for it. And lastly, I told him to have self respect and truly get in touch with his own purpose and get a real life. I wish him good luck and that’s it. I was sure this person won’t reply back. But he did. He still claims that he is who he is and offered a video call chat. I told him that his support team confirmed that they are not familiar with this email but I was open to video call to clear things up. So he attempted to do so today but when we tried to get on the call, I saw him but I couldn’t hear his voice. So I am still skeptical that this guy could also be a hacker that can play faux video pretending that he is having a bad connection just to see if he can ease my skepticism. This is the next level of scamming, I thought. I found this incident to be interesting as I would like to investigate further on how to bust this guy. A part of me wishes that this person is really who he says he is because I have him on my vision board. So I am doing my balancing act between being smart and being optimistic that someone I respect could want to be friends with me. But I have another idea that will solidify my confection which I will try the next time this person tried to reach me. Stay tuned on this.

Another thing that happened today was I had a zoom call with a business coach. My best friend introduced me to him because he is interested to be on my upcoming podcast and she is being coached by him. He asked me how I see myself 3 years from now. I was quite specific on what my game plans are as far as business goes. When he asked me about relationships, I told him that I can only control the relationship that I have with myself. On my vision board, I put down “true love” but I am not sure how to project that for sure. So, I have never felt so sure that by having a better relationship with myself and loving myself, I can actually attract that man with true love. So, I am currently working on getting consistent and stronger within myself to show up with this self love, self respect and self authenticity. Any tips or ideas to help me in this focused path, please share as I love learning about them. Thank you!

[ESE H]

Hi Heidi,

Thank you for your kind words and support :). I feel good too.
You made a great point about seeing failure as part of the journey. I feel like an idiot right now because I got this concept very well when it comes to business, but I completely forgot about it in relationships too. You reminded me of something even greater: to see a person in a FULL picture, good and bad. Make sense completely. You know? Getting comfortable with being authentic has given me so much peace lately. Not just towards other people but towards myself. I didn’t realize that I’ve been doing this for all my life until I got to talking with you. I felt that I had to put my best foot forward by acting, showing the supposedly the “perfect me” image, which now I realized wasn’t too authentic. I was seemingly good, positive, strong and wise, while sometimes I felt crappy inside and I couldn’t let my true vulnerability and imperfection to shine. I hate to admit it but I have been acting on behalf of what was expected of me from my upbringing or at least from what I thought was expected of me. Again, I learned that I assumed a lot so I need to stop this once and for all. I need to stop blaming others for my assumptions. I created those assumptions and it hasn’t done my soul any good. This now explains why I haven’t been able to connect with great men to feel fully loved. It’s because I rejected my own self love. However, this is the thing of the past and I am ready to embrace myself, good and bad. If you have any tips for practice, I’m all ears, Heidi.

Guess what? I met MJ yesterday, and it was a great practice for me. Since our last email exchange, I can sense we have tension from it. However, as we discussed, I am staying authentic in being kind, respectful, strong, loving and full of integrity to me and to others. Going into the meet up, my goal is to leave him feeling good about himself, without sacrificing my self love and integrity. The moment, I arrived at his office, he immediately puts me to work. Not chit chat because he is trying to maximize what he is paying me. I simply did the work as he instructed me because I’m being authentically professional since he is paying me to do the work. MJ didn’t look too good; his face looks very tired and stressed. I can sense that this financial hurdle is taking a toll on him. So, respectfully, I want to do the best job I could so he can feel that we accomplish something today. I didn’t chit chat so we got a lot done in the span of 2 hours. It was great. I can tell he is getting happier.
But then I got hungry. For a moment, I thought should I power through without getting lunch or should I offer to pick up food to go for us? Since I was on the roll in being authentic, I simply told him that I will be super hungry in 10 min and I offered to pick up lunch for us. I felt that was me being authentically thoughtful to his busy schedule and I was being kind to myself by getting me fed. Then, he said how about if we get lunch and talk about our arrangements and he said he will pay for lunch.
So I said okay. We finished up the last part of the task and off we went to close by eatery. Since he needs to leave at certain time for his daughter’s function (in less than an hour), we drove separate cars and I got there first. He didn’t arrive yet and I don’t want him to be late to go because I was waiting for him to arrive to order food. So, I went ahead, ordered the food (I know what he wants which is same as mine), and paid for it, even though he offered. I felt good in doing so. He paid last time and as a good friend, I don’t want to worry about this stuff too much (not expensive) and want us to focus on sitting down and starting to talk. This is another thing that MJ has brought up to my attention, which I started noticing cuz my sister mentioned it too. They both know I am smart and they both care about me. So I’ve been listening and observing myself. I’ve noticed that I tend to calculate trades in my mind. Could be my business tendencies growing up. I got so good at seeing opportunities to win trades. I have had a trader mindset. I’ve been burned and taken advantage of by a few previous clients, so I got good at setting boundaries and not to offer favors freely without conditions. Same thing with my ex. He has taken advantage of my generosity that I started to push back too. Little that I know that over the past decade, I’ve become inauthentic about my giving. I always have to justify why I am giving so I don’t get hurt or taken advantage again by anyone. Does that make sense? I am talking as I am processing this discovery right now. But yesterday, everything changed. I got tired of trading and simply want to be a vulnerable human being and a good friend. When MJ and I started talking, there were a mountain of ice to break. But I reminded myself of my goal: to leave him feeling good about himself and me being authentic with kindness, respect, integrity, strength and love. He talked back and forth between personal and professional sides. We hashed out our differences about those emails. He shared his feeling hurt when I said something to hint him that he didn’t think I am valuable etc. He basically validated that I have been doing a good job and ROI is not my accountability area, and I am valuable to him. He showed frustrations with the fact that he felt that he has reiterated this many times to me and I still questioned that. He also shared that he felt I’ve been taking advantage of him. Right then, he triggered me to respond being defensive but I stopped myself from reacting. At that moment, I saw progress in me. I realized that good relationship is not about winning an argument. It’s about how I make them feel heard and loved. So, I waited, listened and validated his feelings first. I showed him that I care about his reactions. I also noticed his true pains. He claimed that I have no idea what tough things he is going through right now between possible losing his company, in the middle of his divorce process, and trying to start a new relationship with his new gf. I can see that he is emotionally drained and need to protect his sanity right now. He also made a good point about something. I said something like “if I didn’t value our relationship, I wouldn’t have stayed through 2 of your financial hardships.” Although I was making a strong point since he seemed to not get the sacrifice I’ve made for him. He took it hard. He said I didn’t need to say that. He gave me an example to flip the situation and I understood his point. That’s part of the habit of trading mentality I mentioned earlier. This lunch has been very insightful for both of us. He was supposed to leave at certain time but he stayed almost an hour over because he felt it was important for us to clarify everything and it was productive, I think. We took turn in validating each other’s feelings and explaining what we meant with each misunderstanding. He even said oh I never saw it that way. Also I noticed that he was talking to me as when I was still my old me, triggered, numb, inauthentic. So I paused him and shared with him the growth I’ve gained since I left my ex and especially the past 6 months with my clarity journey etc. I apologize to him for hurting his feelings. He has sacrificed a lot the past 3 years to keep me employed even he has been super tight on cash. He has some men ego, which is not a bad thing: he likes taking care of people, especially people he cares about. At that time, as things started to get ironed out, I found this sense of connection with my soul and I can see what a good friend MJ actually is to me. He doesn’t boast or announce it, but I can feel that he does. I feel that I can learn from him to be a better friend too and can see that how this will help me in my future relationship. Love is not about equal trade. Love is about giving unconditionally and wanting the best for the other person. Have you heard this idealist saying (from Simon Sinek): true love is when you give a person the power to destroy you (they know all your truths- the good, the bad, the ugly) to destroy you but you know 100% that they won’t use that power. I shared that with MJ. Not sure if he grabs the full concept but I planted the seeds. I think I am looking for that kind of true love because I can do that. I’d love to be a woman for a man who shared with me all the important things in his heart and mind. I am his safe haven that he would love to come to daily. And I know that I won’t ever use any of that to hurt him even in the event of may jealousy or something. I feel strongly that I will choose love first and to let go something that isn’t belong to me. I was looking for that in my ex. I was hoping he would choose love for me over his jealousy but he failed miserably. He tried to destroy my credibility to control me. That was a big deal breaker for me and until now, I couldn’t ever trust him in the love department. This could lead me to my non-negotiable list no 1, I think: he must have unconditional love towards me. Like his love is greater than his shortcomings. He will let me go if he knows I can be happier without him. He is not trying to control my freedom and independence. Instead, he is supportive to show his love to me. Second list will be he is trusting to me. I am his safe haven. He knows that I won’t judge him and will accept him for who he is. Third, he respects me as a wise and intelligent woman where he looks to gain insights sometimes. Fourth, he is courageous and has integrity; he is who he says he is and solid in his stands but courageous enough to explore new ideas and admit his imperfections, vulnerability and growth journey. He is brave to trust me even when in areas that he feels a bit unfamiliar and try his best to understand me. He enjoys to consistently learn new things with me. Fifth, he must have a good sense of humor and somewhat creative (not an artist necessarily, but creative thinker/problem solver). I can’t be with someone who is too serious, too rigid and doesn’t know how to have fun.

Ok sorry, I got side tracked there. Let’s go back to this lunch with MJ. I learned so much recently to replace assuming with asking the right question. So I have been putting this new approach with MJ and he responds favorably to that. We hashed out the emails and MJ made suggestion on how to shorten my point so he won’t misunderstood my intentions, and I can see his point as he was explaining it to me. I felt that we were getting more on the same page. We could probably keep talking if not because of this event he has to attend. However, we both felt heard and cared for. It was a great exchange of both professional insights (I gave him feedback about leadership and design process, which he agreed) and personal insights (he gave me feedback about authenticity and friendship). He gave me a hug and said a “friend” type of “I love you.”
As we were leaving, he said something about “catch me if I fall” so I teased him “are you gonna catch me if I fall?” He said “yeah, if I don’t break my back.” lol. He has had a bad back problem. Then I proceeded “so you are a once a year friend right?” He laughed because he can somewhat get my point but know it wasn’t like that because he is always to busy or has no capacity for friendship like normal people. Yesterday, I felt like myself again after a long time of not being one. I actually enjoy having friendship like this with MJ without expectations of anything. We simply are 2 people in this life, spending fun time hanging out, learning about people, life and ourselves through each other. Practically growing with trust, easing our past pains, and aiming for our better selves and life. He still thinks the ideal situation for him is to have me full time at his company when he can afford it but he won’t stop me from pursuing my dreams. We won’t lose our friendship over our work arrangements.
During this lunch, I also felt that he truly has cared for me and he needs my turn to help him. He didn’t ask for it, but I felt it was the right thing to do.
I can see he was respectful to my design time and I clarified to him what he misunderstood me on the email. So, at this moment, we will just go one step at the time.
This week, he asked me to do 2 first tasks. 1 task was satisfactory but the other wasn’t. He wasn’t being a jerk about it and would have paid me what he promised me. But my integrity compelled me to give him a partial discount because he is tight on his budget and I don’t feel right getting paid for something that I personally wasn’t too happy with either. Even I offered the partial discount, he still gave me a bit more that what I asked him to pay me. He even rushed the 1099 I needed today, which I didn’t realize was due to day from the PPP manager’s short notice reminder.

I took your advice about “I fill myself up with love and send that out into the world. How others respond is their path, how I respond is mine” during this meeting. Just like how MJ challenged me to own the fact that he couldn’t validate me further how much he values me. I challenged him the same by letting him know this is who I am and I know I am good and I don’t need to doubt myself because he has his own trust issues or past pains that blocked him from seeing that I could be different from all the previous people who have taken advantage of him. I practically challenged his own accountability to his own drama. He was receptive about accepting it, and I noticed a little shift on his tension about the whole thing. We did share how to communicate our intentions better in the way we could see them as intended. We could continue to learn
Overall, it was a revolutionary meeting for both of us individually as well as our professional and personal friendship. When I got home, he said “I always feel better after we hashed things out. It’s an ongoing process that all people should put work into.” Mission accomplished, I must say :). It feels good to be my authentic self.

So, that’s where I am at today, Heidi. Any thoughts you can share? I’m dying to hear about your insights about my non-negotiable list.

Thanks again. Enjoy your weekend!

[ESE H]

Hi Heidi,
Thank you for thinking of me and checking in. Really appreaciate you. I’ve been wanting to write every day, but got so busy with deadlines, since the past week has been emotionally heavy in my heart, but it was necessary for me to spent the time for self-love, such as journaling and corresponding with you. So, I had to catch up on some deadlines the past few days, and I finished the them. Now I can enjoy writing back to you. I have also been thinking about what you said and learning to put those thoughts into practice.

Last week, I did zoom call with him to go over the logo and core collection projects. Afterwards, I submitted proposed quote and lead time for these 2 projects as he requested. On Friday, he promised me that he is putting some thoughts and will let me know our work arrangements soon.

I did quite 2 huge moves on Saturday and Monday. I stood up to MJ and told him how it hurt me deeply when he implied that I didn’t bring enough ROI for the amount of money he has paid me the past 3 years. He didn’t said it in a mean way, but this subject has surfaced several times, so I am sensitive about it.
I am the person who is dedicative, loyal and hard working. I would turn things around quickly as needed because he is always shorthanded and distracted, so he would asked to expedite stuff occasionally. He has always told me to follow his lead like in military. So I did. However, when I did and the design project got finished, but he couldn’t secure the orders or his full time team messed up on the orders, and he didn’t end up getting the ROI he anticipated. This happened a few times. To me, it’s unfair for him to pass on the ROI accountability to me, while it is out of my scope of responsibility. My design has been well received and he often changes his mind. So, on Saturday, I wrote him a long detailed email listing the amount of money he has paid me the past 3 years, and the list of projects which ROI that should have justify the investment to my knowledge, plus I’ve been contributing on all other areas such as team building, leadership, marketing, sales, and mindset development which he always has been grateful for, and I didn’t charge him for those. I told him I wasn’t asking for appreciation nor extra pay but I want him to simple understand why I cringed when he implied I’m not giving him the ROI. My ROI is beyond just design but beyond that.
So I asked him straight on: how do you measure my ROI in the design accountability area? I told him I need him to clarify this so we respectfully hash this out.
I was also recently got copied by overseas supplier being furious about his debt to them for half a year prior. It was a huge amount. I can see that the supplier has been patient but was getting mad because there as no communication from MJ to address this. Further, he still owes some money to one of the supplier I have referred him to. I told him in a nice way that he should address them even if he doesn’t have the money yet just to be respectful to their trust. And if he doesn’t pay my referred supplier, I may have to stop working for his company because it’s my integrity in the line. I promised my supplier friend that MJ will pay and if he doesn’t, I will walk out. I didn’t pressure him to pay right away but I wanted to give him a heads-up. Also, I finally told him that I am pursuing my passion project, the new creative business that I will be launching soon, and working for him full time is no longer a fit for me. I reminded him that I’ve paused my vision project 3 years ago to join his company, but now I gotta continue pursuing it (since he hasn’t fulfilled the full time offer he has mentioned 3 years ago). I feel so happy that I told him this. He may not be too happy to hear it. But I feel I’m at a point I need to break free to pursue my own greatness, no matter how tough the road may be.

He didn’t reply right away to this email. But we had a simple friendly text about Father’s Day where he told me that Father’s Day made him think of strong Moms like me who has to compensate weak fathers. I appreciate his kind words.

On Monday, he wrote me an offer for our arrangements and the amount wasn’t even close to what I had in mind. Let’s just say he wants me to finish not only 2 projects but 5 projects plus odds and ends projects that could come up for $1k less than my proposal for 2 projects. At that point, I felt even more disrespected.
I couldn’t describe my feelings, whether I was angry, confused or both. He started by saying he appreciates my email and validated that I am an important friend to him and he value my work ethic and talents but again, he mentioned that he thinks this is a fair offer considering the amount of money and time he has spent.
I was most bothered with the way he asked about it like he expected me to take this because in a way I owed him. If he would have picked up the phone and acknowledged my valuable expertise and time, and simply asked me for a favor as a friend, I might consider it better. Instead, he said this is the x amount and everything has to be done in 1 month. I felt he is being inconsiderate knowing I am in need of funding at the moment, and I felt that he is taking advantage of the situation thinking I will need to take it and he will gain from me finishing all the collection design so he can pitch and sell them. Do you know that the potential sale of what I will be designing could reach over $2-5 Millions in the long run? I took me a good hour to draft this email reply because I don’t want lose myself and regret it. I kindly told him “Thanks for putting some thoughts on this. It is unreasonable for me to agree with the amount $ and time to complete all of the collections you asked and other tasks that hasn’t even been defined yet.” I prayed and decided to go with honesty and surrendered to faith that when I choose authenticity and stand my ground, things will work out. I am proud on how I handle this :). I took a deep breath and choose to be authentic: kind, strong, honest, compassionate and don’t take shit from people without respect/integrity. I am always against bullying and have stood up for my sisters and friends. It is time for me to stand up for myself. That’s what I did. I didn’t assume the worst and simply ask him for clear design brief and I even offered him to chat to clarify this brief. I gave him an alternative route to agree to 1 week payment first to take care of 3 tasks (per my quote). I told him I won’t take this agreement that could cause one or both of us to be disappointed in the long run for short term gain (immediate cash). I had the feeling he would be upset for me not to take that offer, and I believe I was right. He doesn’t like it when people don’t take his deal, especially from me who he thinks will most likely say yes.
Little that he knows that my other good client is referring me to a new potential client, who could be big project. Also, I got 3 other potential clients who told me they are checking out my branding packages for their businesses. It’s like God is sending me encouragements to feel okay to say no to MJ if I need to.
In that reply, I felt compelled to remind him that since he got his PPP loan and didn’t reinstate our arrangements, I need his help to send me 1099 so I can reapply for my PPP loan (I told him I was sad as I thought I was a valuable team member). Yeah, there is that too. PPP loan potential. God works in mysteriously wonderful ways. I got a decline letter for my PPP. Then, after MJ decided not to continue our arrangements, I got this call from a nice woman from Chase who is reviewing the declined applicants and told me I have a shot to reapply and she gives me end of June deadline. I cried that day because I didn’t think MJ will help me since I didn’t accept his offer and he is not very responsive nowadays when it’s involving things out of his priority list. But I told myself I gotta try to gather my 2019 tax paperwork and if I have to, I will write a super inspiring letter to hopefully forego the need for 1099. Maybe my email to MJ worked (I hinted that he needs to provide this for his business, and this is a way I can help him stretch if I ended up getting this funding. This morning, he was on it and will process the 1099 (this was a test in my mind, to see if he is a good friend who wants to help & also a smart biz guy to jump on opportunity), and he also approved the 1 week pay and invited me to meet this week to discuss the design scope and go from there. My old self got freaked out a bit by saying “oh boy, this is the day he will fire me or anticipating bad things.” But the new me caught on and stopped that process. I prayed and sending positive vibes that no matter what MJ says and does during the meeting, I will stay true to my self: kind, integrity, respectful, strong, fair and compassionate, and let God does His work in MJ. Right then, I gained my humble confidence and felt that I will be okay no matter what happened. I simply will bring my best self and A game to the meeting and if this doesn’t work, it’s not meant for me and I will make peace with it. Like they say when one door closes, the other will open.

I had a nice call with this new referred client and gave them a bit. Please wish me luck that they will become a good client. So this is my big transformation this week.

One more discovery about why I am bothered by MJ relationship with his new gf. I digged deeper into myself about this and got it.
I used to be the special one that MJ shared all of his stories, challenges to, like I am his safe haven. Then, now, his gf is that safe haven.
I feel excluded like an outcast. I feel like a failure whom I deep down tried to not become, like how my Mom failed my Dad’s connection.
Do you have any advise on how to overcome this failure feeling? What should I say to myself when this happens again?

Thank you for sharing your relationship with that guy who has different level of vibration but attractive as hell. Wow? I feel how MJ and I are like, but maybe not that extreme. Today, as I am working on my design project, and heard a song, and my mind thought about MJ again because we have been so in sync during creative process. How I am so attracted to his soul, design taste and depth of his heart. Why does this keep happening? I want to move on but there is something with us that keep pulling me there. Any thoughts and advice on this? I feel that deep down he is a good guy with his shortcomings that contributed to his chaos. Then again, I am making excuses for him like I did for many years with my ex. I need to be strong and hold them accountable to be their best self, be a man of honor. I feel I might actually do these men a favor by keeping up with my core values. Maybe they will rub off on them. I know it did a bit to MJ.

Also, I feel that I am good at putting a poker face to MJ or guys in general to seal any interest until I am sure about their interest to me and how their character is. I feel that I need to change this. I think leaving my “agreeable girl” image could get messy at first, like you said, MJ is not used to it but if our friendship or relationship is real, he shouldn’t mind me being my real authentic self right?

What I am learning now is also to know how to communicate my authentic, spontaneous, vulnerable self. Not assuming the worst, instead be optimistic and project positive outcome in whatever I am about to do. I am starting to feel my growth in embodying this new habit and mindset. You are right that I shouldn’t be focusing on guy and relationship for now. And you made a great distinction there on my list. You’re correct that those sound more like “want”.

With that thought, I haven’t had a chance to compile a list but want to talk it out with you as they come right now. Maybe by talking this out loud, you can help me get deeper in myself and find that non-negotiable list. Here is the first few characteristics that I need from a man whom I think is quality and I can love forever:
he is generous, intelligent, high integrity, courageous, wise, humble, and respectful.

Generous: He is a giver by nature. He is very chill about taking care of others. He still takes care of himself but he is so resourceful and has big heart and mind capacity to take care of others. When he has extra savings or made little wins in his life, he wants to share that wins with me, team member and/or family/friends. He is trusting knowing that there is always that risk that people might not reciprocate his kindness but he still choose to care and give anyway. He has abundance mindset. He chooses to love and trust over self protection, because he loves himself and know that God is the one taking care of him well.

Intelligent: both EQ and IQ balance. Someone who knows how to make smart decisions in life or learn from his mistakes. He has great sense of humor to view certain challenges he faces. He is articulate in making his points across. He is a quick learner and know how to figure out important things. He knows how to pick his battles at work, at home and on the streets, not to get himself in trouble. And know how to diffuse conflicts with win-win mindset. I won’t mind a healthy ego (being confident at his best and only to compete with himself).

High integrity: he will not compromise his integrity for any short term or long term gains. He will always choose to do the right things no matter how hard it is because he has faith that God will shine the light at his path when he does. He will not hesitate to turn down big gigs that doesn’t fit his set values and know that a better opportunity will come along.

Courageous: not only he is strong minded, but he also is courageous in beings vulnerable in his relationships, such as to me. He is not afraid to take risks and go for what he wants and believes in. Dare to show up authentically and real. He has proven record of successfully gaining valuable lessons from being courageous.

Wise: he learns from his mistakes and know that he is not perfect. He is open to always be learning and growing. He will share some advice when he feels someone could use it and benefit significantly from it.

Humble: he doesn’t show off his success. He doesn’t feel the need to pump up his ego nor be self-righteous. He is calm, reserved but very observant to his surroundings. Always grateful for his daily blessings and he is not entitled. He understands that everything he has and his successes come from God. He plans well such as financially to prepare for rainy days.

Respectful: he shows respect to everyone regardless their age, cultural background, gender, race, educational level, and society status. He believes in equality. He appreciates different races of people and various cultures. He wants to learn other cultures and love trying different cuisines. He respects himself by showing up being his best authentic self. And he inspires and supports others to show up that way. When there are disagreements, he is willing to accept the fact that someones we could agree to disagree. He wants to hear the other people’s point of view and consider them without judgements. He loves understanding people and their journey.

Hope you don’t mind this super long update, Heidi. I need go to bed now. Busy day a head tomorrow. Thanks for what you do. Sending your positive vibes and blessings in your life. What are you working on for your inner growth right now if you don’t mind me asking?

[ESE H]

Hi Heidi,

Thank you for your reply. On the first part, yes, growing up in my family and my culture, I felt that being outspoken is considered masculine and not feminine. Both of my other sisters seemed to fit that bill more and they are more considered good girls. I was always the curious ones wanting to understand the reasonings on things and I felt like Mulan sometimes back when I was young, like I didn’t belong. I love US; I feel this is more where I belong where I can express myself and actually shines sometimes. When I became a US Citizen last year, I felt huge freedom to be who I am, following the fact that I just left my toxic marriage. It was a great shift in myself. Currently I feel like I’m wearing a new set of clothes and trying to find the right fit and starting to get comfortable in it. I haven’t worked with my therapist on the rabbit hole situation because this was only surfaced after we chatted last time. I have completely forgotten about it. You mentioned something interesting. “You were so scared about getting in trouble.” I might remember why just now. When I was in Kindergarten, I recalled coming in late to school and there was a mean teacher who didn’t like that at all. My Mom will be dropping us off and since both my twin sister and I were shy, we were very afraid to enter the class when we were late, then we would cry. I’m wondering if that is the cause, which come to think of it, it’s pretty silly now. I shouldn’t carry the baggage anymore. However, the bigger part that matters right now is the fact that I have strived to be a good girl, feminine etc for a while, even if it’s less authentic to me, because I feel that is the only way I will get a piece of my parents’ love and attention. Of course my parents are good parents who love all of use equally but I felt that their love coming from equal attention wasn’t as special as when I being a good, agreeable girl. Then, when I was in College, I’ve met a Korean girlfriend when we first came to US to study. I think she had a big impact on my loss of confidence in myself. I’ve always felt confident being outspoken and strong in my opinion, more than my twin sister. But she stood up to me and told me I was wrong and that I should listen to my twin sister. I remember that hit me quite hard that I didn’t realize I was wrong. Two against one (me); that means I am wrong right? Still today, I don’t recall what I was wrong about. I just remember the feeling of loss confidence. So I started to doubt myself since. I’ve never been so certain as before ever again. She was our only close friend in America for a while at the time. We are no longer friends now, since she lost her first born after 1 month of birth and decided not to stay in contact with us because of her pain. I feel bad for her.

In a way, I have to thank her for giving me a new perspective about myself and teach me to be humble in a way. But I need to get myself together and weigh everything wisely now. There are times I should be 100% confident and there are times I could consider other people’s opinions. It’s not all or nothing. You know what I just realized? My trigger stemmed from “the need to be agreeable to authority figures or someone seemed superior” since I was little. It was my parents before. Then, my ex and now MJ. Whenever seemed to be potential disagreements or when they question my opinions or actions, I got triggered. Sometimes I feel that they don’t know me well enough to understand my view point, another time is because I felt the need to shift my stand to get along. When I think about it, we don’t have to agree on everything. They have their own view points, and I have mine. I’ve been spending my focus and energy on the wrong things. I should instead be focusing on communicating better on my point of views with intention to create understanding and connections. Not to persuade them to agree with me nor persuade myself to agree with them. Maybe deep down I know that something isn’t right and that got me triggered. Am I getting somewhere here? I believe this is progress in my mind. I need to stop assuming that people who are close to me should know me. Instead, I should be open to their pace in understanding me and certain matters. When they misunderstood me, I can simply gracefully smile and kindly put myself in their shoes and creatively take them into my world with the hope they will consider my view points. If not, that’s okay too. No pressure for me nor them. “Agreeable” is the trigger in me that has been hidden inside. That’s the opposite of authentic which what I strive and long for in a while. Wow! Thanks for digging this deeper with me, Heidi.

Regarding MJ and work arrangements, I am considering your suggestion. We are planning to have our next video call tomorrow to discuss next steps. So I will discuss this uncomfortable chat about my pay. I may have to let go of this project if he doesn’t automatically know that he needs pull his side of the bargain. He might though, knowing him. I have to stay open and allow myself not to panic if he doesn’t agree with what’s fair for me. You are right about me setting new boundaries not just for him but for anyone else. I’ve started doing this in smaller steps with some clients, where I nicely told them that I’d love to help them at no cost but it’s taking a toll on my own resources, so they agreed to pay. These are my repeat customers. For new clients, I have no problem introducing new boundaries. It’s the old clients whom so used to getting my favors who are harder to turn down but I gotta to start protecting my resources for my well being. I know it’s healthy.

About the love tank question, you explained this so well. Yeah, that makes sense. I like that term high vibration and your clarification that fuller love tank doesn’t mean wounded free. Great distinction as I combined them into 1 before. So this helps. You made me realized another thing. The fact that I’ve kept my boundary in not getting romantically involved with MJ, while he is still married and living with his family, is actually showing me that I was acting in higher vibration and not settling for less my core values. And the fact that he ended up getting a super young gf because of it, who is willing to go all in in that situation, should show me an example that he is a guy with lower vibration than me perhaps. Maybe he can sense it and why he felt inadequate to pursue me. So if I am correct in your opinion, this means I should anticipate repelling more lower vibration men in my future by being in my higher vibration self. And I could experience these until I meet the higher vibration man who I could call my soulmate or true love, which will be worth the wait. Right? So, I shouldn’t feeling bad about myself. Instead, I should be feeling pretty good and proud about myself because I actually improved from my last relationship: not to settle for less than what I want and deserve.

Regarding my daughter, you are wise to advise that and I agree. I actually tried to explain to my daughter to be grateful for her Dad being this way. Exactly how you suggested. I also used example similar to yours. Imagine “her Dad is her difficult and demanding client” and she has to learn to manage that client. The reason I used this example is because she said she wants to be fashion designer one day and start her own business. I am not sure if my daughter completely get this analogy but I’m sure she is getting the practice because she is a smart, mature girl. She knows her Dad and his behaviors.

Onto the non-negotiable list? Thanks again, Heidi. Really appreciate this deep dive.

[ESE H]

Sorry, I added these to the list:
12. High integrity: do what he says. Committed to his own words.
13. Courageous: not afraid to be visible and show up authentically. Have healthy ego. Dare to be vulnerable and express his feelings (good and bad) to me in respectful manner to him and me.
14. Trusting and trustworthy:
He trusts my character and knows my big heart. He supports me 100% in pursuing my purposeful life and vision, and not worry about being jealous when I collaborate with opposite sex clients or team members. We have strong trust for each other and know that we are the best for each other. He has many friends who trust him and count on him for larger matters. When conflicts arise, he always choose to trust me first and hear out my side of the story before jumping to conclusions from other people’s story. I can trust him on important matters without any doubt (such as integrity, finances, good intentions, work ethic, making wise decisions for his life and for our family when I am not around, taking care of my girls as his own, being there for me when I am not well, etc). He believes in me and support me to reach my greatest potentials. And I am passionate to do the same. I am a safe haven for his feelings and situation.

15. Loyal: he doesn’t flirt with other women even though he could be attractive to them. When another woman approaches flirtatiously, he knows how to get out of the situation as a gentleman. When I see his eyes, I can feel his heart only belongs to me. He cares about me deeply and will always be there through the good times and bad times, especially the challenging times. He is not afraid to face my challenges with me and finding ways to get through them together.

16. Respectul: to all people from various races and cultural background. He doesn’t judge and talk bad things about people. He seeks to understand people’s intention, heart and mind. He doesn’t make fun of handicapped or poor people. He could vent about frustrating situations at work for example, but I can see that he means well to people from different walk of life and he is always doing his best to be emphatic others’ shortcomings. He understands that each person or animal is a beautiful creation of God and that he should respect them. He treats people with equal respect. He wants them to be their best and to be happy.

17. Nature, art, music and food connoisseur: he enjoys walking in nature (beach, mountain, lake, park, etc) by himself or with me to unwind or re-center ourselves. We both love going to musical plays, movies, music performances, art museums and exploring new food places.

Ok. I think I’m good on the list ;).

[Author]

Posts