[ESE H]

Hi Heidi,

Honestly, I am a bit brain dead at the moment due to lack of sleep last night. But I will do my best to reply to every point.

On paragraph 1, I’ve noticed similar concerns on him wanting things his way now. that’s his natural tendencies. But when I pushed back or called him out on it, he complies and receptive to change for better. So there is hope. I am personally an impatient person naturally but have been learning to embrace patience and get wiser.

As far as growing to love myself, so far, I’ve been joining FB communities and programs to expand my capacity, authenticity and learning to listen and trust my guts. I have managed to stop self-sabotaging myself with fear and doubts. I’ve written and put up on my wall, daily affirmation and reengage with my passion, purpose, worth and mission. I’ve written BIG goals for my life. I am inserting a little self care here and there. I have stopped being people pleaser and stepped into my powerful core to stand for what I belief, to ask direct questions to people to get them started getting connected to their true passion. My best friend recently told me how I’ve become a wise woman, and she often asks for my advice. I feel more and more calm even when things don’t go my way because I am learning to control my reactions and stay focused on where I am heading and all of these challenges are simply my stepping stones to who I want to become, my best self.

About what he wants, yeah, you are most likely right. I know he wants way more than that lol.

About doubt, yes makes sense. There are definitely healthy doubt and not healthy doubt and I’ve been more aware to notice the distinction.

On his view about women. TOTALLY! he is rather conservative on his view about women, at least from this long distance setting. However, I’ve made sure he understands where I stand on this view. I’ve actually helped him a couple times in solving his complex problems so he thinks highly of me on wisdom and intelligent stand point. He told me he learned a lot about me. I know it needs work. Recently I called him out from lying about something which he denied at first. But I told him not to confuse my kindness with my intelligence. I can’t share here about the details. He told me something and I basically cross checked the facts and called him out on the truth. He didn’t like that I double checked what he said cuz that lacks of trust. He said he didn’t do that to me and trusts me. I shared with him how I cannot move on pretending this is okay and the fact that he won’t tell me why he did it. I patiently persuaded him to open up. Eventually he did and shared his fear about something to do with him being influencer. Once he opened up, I can understand why he did it. Then he asked for my forgiveness which I did.
After that, our closeness grew. He really appreciates me standing strong to pursue his fear and to make him open up. I explained that I want to build him strong so he can help pull me out from my darkness too sometimes. Afterwards, he shared deeper love to me, which this time, feels more right and real. I want him to feel fine sharing insecurities and fear to me.
I also told him that since he clearly sets his boundaries on what he wants to share to me, I will do the same. So we revisited what we want in our relationship. This time, I honestly told him one of the thing I want is not to be treated like maid or nanny. I prefer to hire cleaning lady to do chores, so I can focus more on spending quality time with family and creating connections with my work. He completely supports it. And I feel better that I was able to share this. I shared 4 other key things which he seemed to be aligned with them. No 1. to feel safe and respected to share any feelings at any time without walking on egg shells. I shared about the importance of doing weekly date and could be as simple as walking around the neighborhood. I couldn’t remember all of it. The only difference he added was he wants me to trust his words and maybe having a kid. I told him as long as he learned to trust me to open up and not seal some info from me, then that should be fine. I know my old self will be paranoid about someone who lied to me once might lie again. Lately, I am feeling expansive and was able to have compassion to forgive and move on from this once case, because I understand why he did it and have shown deep remorse for not being open. I feel that he has contained so much of his burden himself and created a bit of a wall to stay happy on the outside for a while. Since I’ve been in emotionally abusive relationship before, I have different feeling from this one. He seemed more open and are really learning from our conflicts, like he became more away about himself and realize that he has a true friend and unconditional love in me. It’s like peeling the onion sorta speak. He does make me happy btw.

The other day, I fell a bit down and told him that if he wants to find another woman who can make him better or help him, I will let him go with heavy heart and pray for his well being from a distance. But he replied that he has been looking for a soulmate for years, and he found me so he won’t let me go. This might sound corny but I actually feel the same way about him. He is not perfect but from where I stand right now (not being person), I feel that we are learning more about ourselves from our daily interactions and our disagreements, and I feel that we are growing together and closer each step of the way.

Any further advice on what else I can do with the above, I’d love to hear it. Thank you so much Heidi.

[ESE H]

Hey Heidi, thank you for following. Sorry for being MIA. Not intentionally. Been super slammed with work and ramping up income. But it’s going well lately which is why I am so focused on the biz.

[ESE H]

Hey Heidi, thank you for following. Sorry for being MIA. Not intentionally. Been super slammed with work and ramping up income. But it’s going well lately which is why I am so focused on the biz.

[ESE H]

Hi Heidi,

Hope you are well. Thanks for your thorough reply as always.

As far as schedule conflicts, this is not from my past. It’s happening in smaller degree recently. I had made a plan to meet my sister. Then he urgently needs my help to do something. I did but things took a bit longer so I had to cut him short. He asked me if I could reschedule or push back the time to meet my sister. I know he was just asking and not demanding. But I felt a bit taken back that he even asked me that, like he didn’t think my meet up with my sister is not important. It is not as important than what I am helping him with but I guess, I was a bit triggered internally because of my ex, where he used to think his plans are more important than mine. With my new guy, he is not wrong in asking because what he is asking is important for both of us, not just his. But I ended up proceeding with my plan to meet with my sister and explained to him that my sister has limited time to meet and this is important for my biz development which is the reason I am meeting her. He was sad about it but didn’t get mad at me. He simply patiently waiting until I get back. He did call me at the time I told him I’ll be home. I was running late. But everything worked out fine in the end. I thought about this for future situation. I ended up sharing a story from my sister’s mentor who are power couple running 7 figure biz, where once a year, the husband (CEO) will fly to the wife’s gala night for 1 night just to walk on the stage with her while she received her awards. Then fly back to his company annual meeting. I shared this story with my guy and he was receptive. We agreed to put all of our priorities on the table and discuss together on how make everyone’s needs met while compromising on convenience to make things happened.

Regarding sharing info, I had the opportunity to ask him that flat out question. I asked him about his day. Then he asked how are my kids. So I asked by saying not sure if you noticed but you tend to ask me other questions instead of sharing details about your day. What is that all about? He said why you even think that. I replied I didn’t think that, I am sharing my observation. I also asked him don’t you like it when I shared the details of my day? He said yes, he loves it. Then I tried to inspire him by saying hearing about the details of his day makes me feel closer. Then he shared a bit more about his day. I guess it’s baby steps. I feel that I might have misread him. He actually doesn’t like to point attention to him and he feels that his day is just mundane and same old same old. So he is more interested to hear mine. Mine has more challenges and with kids stories in the mix, I feel that he feels life is more enriched. He then said sorry for misunderstanding my question earlier. I can’t believe that you were very controlling like that before, Heidi. You gave me hope because you definitely have come along way and very open. I think my guy can do that too. He is not a wall like my ex. He is open to listening and improve. He still withholds some dealing with his buddies to not bother me with it, and I just am learning that I need to be okay with that. It doesn’t have to do with me anyways and I need to respect his space. Today, we had a small argument where I got triggered from the past and made unkind accusations to him because I asked for his help and he didn’t say yes immediately. I felt unimportant and he puts his buddy’s needs first. I hurt his feelings and I felt bad afterwards and said sorry. Then, I realized my own past wounds and bad patterns. I have fear of rejection, need validation and then i become super sweet after he validated us. I realized that this was unhealthy behavior from me. For the first time, I saw this pattern and felt icky with myself. You are right about no matter how much he validates me until his face is blue, I won’t ever satisfy. He does say I love you so so much often and I miss you. I need to heal and stop this need for validation by growing love within myself and shine that way. Today I felt I grew a bit more. I want to heal and let go of the past, and offer a healthier minded me to him. I wrote to him a nice honest share about this along with another apology for earlier behavior. He replied it’s okay. This time, I told him that it’s not okay but thanks. I ended up finding a cute smiley pic of him and put it on my wall, so I will stop getting triggered because I like seeing his innocent smile. He told me he will help me in the end, and he actually didn’t say no earlier.

Then, I invited us to share our expectations with each other in our relationship. I have longer, more descriptive list while his was easy. He said I don’t expect much, just trust, understanding and love. At that point, we can see our differences and I am glad to learn about this and to respect them.

I got mad once when I asked him to take candid pic of his and he sent it to me. Then I found out that he took that from his IG. That happened again recently. This time I didn’t get mad. Instead I asked him to rate from 1-10 of how much he likes taking pic. Turned out he doesn’t like taking picture much. So, I realized that is the reason. I love taking pics but not him. So this is something that I need to get used to and accept about him. I explained to him why I love taking pictures as an act to preserve nice moments with someone I spent time with. Not just to show off on social media.

Yes, I am journaling this but only after the fact. I need to do more though to sort through my feelings before expressing them to him. About the fan situation, I just need to catch myself and put myself on his shoes and learn to love his fans the way he loves them. I have wished for a man who is respectable and loved by people. So I need to handle this and be grateful to be loved by him while most people don’t get to be in this capacity.

Regarding when Susan showed up, this happened on Friday. I suggested to watch a movie and he wants to me to get him a steam card for gaming since I was out and about. I felt rejected and told him I was sad that he prefers to play games vs spending time with me. But right after I said that I tamed my Susan and realized that he didn’t mean no harm. He was just being a guy and himself. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me, or not miss me, or doesn’t think I am important. He even said we can watch movie later. I noticed a trigger from the past, an embarassing share to me. Once I tried to be sexy for my ex but he didn’t end up coming home. So I felt rejected and never want to do that ever again in our marriage. I am not the type to do stuff like that normally so you could imagine the feeling I had. This new situation brought up this memory. But I was able to control it. My guy said no, no, he didn’t prefer to play computer game vs spending time with me. He was just asking to get the card since I was already on the run and sometimes I get busy so he can play when that happens. I shared with him that this is my personal issue that I am dealing with, and it’s from my past situation. I assured him it’s not his fault. Still he said sorry that he made me remember my past pain. I learned from this situation that I need to learn to listen better and detach my past for this new experience with him. I am learning also I have trust issue because I couldn’t trust my ex nor rely on him to make me happy. But this new guy is different eventhough he might have some guy habits like playing game and might not be as good at communication than me. I think I am gaining my trust in him from seeing how patient he has been through my outbursts and triggers. Today I felt a different feeling. A positive feeling actually.. like I have a potential warm home with him. He made me feel safe even I am somewhat broken. It inspires me to be better and to grow into a free happier woman I want to become. So I wrote new affirmations and goals and put them up on my wall. My new mantra: 0 doubt, commit. I feel empowered when I said it.

About his circle of friends, yeah I am glad you shared this insight. I am okay with this, and will await to meet and observe the real energy. I understand what to watch out for. I feel that he is good with his friends. Because sounds like even he owes them money, they still are willing to help more. I sensed some trust between them. I think he could have been generous to them or have respect level for them to be willing to do that.

There is a small red flag came up recently which I want to ask you. Recently I shared a bit frustration of him not looping me in on something, even though it’s not something that I need to handle. He said he doesn’t want to worry me as he is handling. Then he made this statement: “It’s not about looping you in. Babe, you are a woman, and you are soft, I am a man I can handle stuff, I just want to over bother you. I just want my baby happy and good.”
I didn’t want to snap at him when he calls me soft as a woman. For the first time, someone says I am soft. What??? But then, I stopped my trigger. I feel his spirit is to say he wants to take care of things for us. Then I calmed down. I shared with him that I used to be the one handling stuff in my previous relationship so it takes adjustment for me to let go of control and trust, but I feel good to be with a man who can handle stuff. I want to be in healthy relationship with him.

Later on I joked but told him “although I don’t like to be called soft unless if he meant soft skin lol… but I want him to take care of me and handle stuff that he thinks the best way for us. I respect his decisions.

The truth is Heidi, this time I feel willing to let go of control and letting this man take care of me. I started trusting the way he thinks and take care of things. He is quite smart and follow up what he says he will. Sometimes he just takes action with less words. Result-driven. When I made unforeseen mistake, he didn’t get made at me because he trusts that I didn’t mean that and I did my best to fix it. He didn’t even blame me a bit. So, this made me feel safe and believe he is not aggressive. I can see the potential of him getting mad if I pushed his buttons: distrusting and disrespectful tones. But I think most people have their limit and can get mad, right? It’s part of being human. I think what I need to learn is to have better approach when I want to question something. So I can get the right answers without accusing and distrusting tones. I want to ask you about how to make sure that he doesn’t see me as a soft woman who can’t handle stuff. I mean he didn’t say that exactly because he said that I am wise, smart and hardworking before. And he also said he learned a lot from me in problem solving situations. In a way, a part of me wants to feel like a delicate flower that he wants to protect and take care of but on the other hand, I want him to see me as his safe haven who can handle any situations that he is dealing with and be his partner to push things through. How to balance these two sides? Thanks for any advice you can share, Heidi. Really appreciate you.

[ESE H]

Hi Heidi,

You are so observant and awesome. I do need to hear these and truthfully, I am grasping what you said too. You validated a few red flags that my gut sorta feels. Exactly that sentence “you are mine forever.” I left my ex because he treated me like he owns me. And this guy might have a bit of that tendency too. He is better than my ex but I need to spend time with him in person to really know for sure. He seemed to like to be in control of most info. I have called him out on it. For example, I’d share details about my day and what i am working on. He won’t share too much still. Like I said, it’s hard to really tell while long distance because he could be more talkative in person because he is the type that is usually enjoy in-person relationship like me. But I am able to communicate well even via hangouts. I am a creative person though so i used imageries and music often to communicate my point and emotions. He sometimes does too but he claims that he is not the best at communication but I noticed that he is a great listener. I agree with putting a stop on these tendencies. I believe he doesn’t realize his superficial preferences himself. And I have no problem to open this discussion to let him get to know himself better as well as get to know how to respect me better. I am managing the steps right now. So far, he is progressing and open to listening and discussing these stuff, which I like. He is an optimistic person and tends to get excited on things. So, it could play a part in how he says things. Believe it or not, while we are getting along fine, I am watching how he shows up for my needs or not even with small things. Again, it’s hard to tell being long distant if he would do more or less if we are together in person. I feel that sometimes he puts more priority on his needs. For example, when I said I’d be jumping on a client call, and I just told him about it, and he still texted me asking for me to attend to his questions. Today, I went to a doctor appointment and told him I’ll be out to LA. He thought I said I will be out of LA. Then he kept asking where I am going. When he travels he doesn’t even tell me when and where he is going. So I’ve been noticing this inequality of info sharing, which I called out to him already. He tends to avoid the question by asking how are my kids and how I am doing. So, still dealing with this. I can see he could be a jealous type but he expects me not to be jealous type when he has other women liking him. I don’t think he is a cheater necessarily but he likes getting attention even though he won’t admit it. Recently he shared in a podcast that a girl texted him saying she likes him and he thought it was nice of her to do that. Then, I talked to him about it. He said it’s just a fan thing. He loves his fans. I can understand you need to embrace your fans. I can see myself loving my followers and team too. Platonic love that is. But I seriously asked him where his heart is and I just need to know. I told him I don’t want to make him feel trapped with me. I want him to be with me because he is happy to be together with me. He said he is being honest about his love to me. And he is in a relationship with me. He said not to worry about the fan stuff. I think it is a deal breaker if he cannot show me that he truly loves me in a very sincere generous giving, without expectation type of love. Cuz my ex was that way. Charming at first but it comes down to doing inconvenient things for me to make me happy, he won’t. With this guy, I don’t know yet. He has done some inconvenient stuff for us to make me happy and he will do stuff because I asked him for it. He actually doesn’t like to inconvenience me either. I need to be careful with myself too not the become controlling and expecting him to bend over backward for me. I have bent over backward for him in my schedule to accommodate his needs, which I recently told him that I need to get discipline with meeting my own schedule. I also discussed with him about potential schedule conflict in the future where we both need to attend something together at 2 different places and how we should discuss and prioritize. He agrees with what I suggested and told me he is fully supportive of me. I think with him is I need to call out examples of my red flags and communicate my observations in kind and respectful manner. Then I can tell he is learning and gaining awareness about each of us and our togetherness. He says he learns a lot from me like problem solving stuff and he loves the fact that I am very hard working. I am constantly reminding him my need for freedom and not being throphy wife type of partner. I reminded him that he cannot buy me with money. He can only win me over with true act of love and respect even in my most vulnerable state. So far, he has shown me compassion and care in being a great listener through those harder emotional share. He seemed stable in that part. He is not aggressive. But he will tell me when he is not happy about something. Mostly when I showed him I don’t fully trust him on some things. But we always followed up with a deep discussion on why and how to move pass it. I feel proud for being authentic and honoring my emotions good and bad. When I got triggered, I made a nick name for my triggered self, for example the name is Susan. I would say Susan showed up. So he can separate the fact that I am still me with that bit of dark assertive side. Then he recently told me that he wants the sweet me whom he falls in love with. I told him no, he can’t have just the sweet me. He needs to love both of us. I explained to him that his wanting to like only the sweet me is like me saying I just want the rich and famous you without your struggles, imperfections allergies etc. Then he got my point, and proceeded with just a big heart emoji and I love you. I believe he is slowly learning more about what truly loving someone looks like. He said that he has never been loved like how I love him, unconditional. I warned him that at times we could hurt each other feelings temporarily to calibrate with each other’s stand and we should be okay with this messy process sometimes. He understands. We are definitely a work in progress couple.

As far as your money question, my non-negotiable things are (A) we should never owe people money and not pay it back on time, (B) putting family’s needs last as far as his spending, and (C) being too frugal that we can’t enjoy life and making me paranoid every time I spend my money. What I noticed recently is that his friends and him seemed to be okay borrowing each other’s money like it’s no big deal. No exact deadline to pay back, but they just know they won’t get screwed. To me this is new. Could it be because of his status & culture? They just act differently than my circle? My friends can be generous too but we normally don’t touch money part in our friendship. If we do, it will be small things like buying each other lunches or little gifts without expecting things in return. So, my question is do I adapt by understanding that his circle of friends work differently than mine? How should we navigate our differences. He is respectful in however I want to operate with my circle of friends, but I don’t think I can change the way he operates with his friends. Is it healthy to just let each other be? Thoughts? At some point there needs to be compromises in our ways and we just need to hash those out as they come. I feel sorta in control on the way I’d like things run in our relationship which means he is open to hearing my ideas and adopting them. He would put boundaries at times on things we cannot compromise on. He doesn’t like to be forced or guilt trip into things. As you suggested before, it’s best to inspire him to compromise on things that matter. Let me know if you noticed anything else missing here. Really appreciate your advice.

[ESE H]

Hi Heidi,
I am so sorry for this late reply. I’ve been super busy traveling, getting may daughter’s distance learning set up, website launch and trying to navigate this new relationship. So I haven’t had a chance to put much thoughts on the response, even though I’ve been meaning to write back a few times. Thank you for reaching out and following up.

Yes, I totally understand your explanation about slowing down. Honestly, I feel that he was the one jumping the gun about our future, kids talk etc. He has never been married so I can see how he gets more excited than me about the future. I personally still reserve a space for reality check like how mentioned. Sometimes we could get into small disagreements when he seemed to be more trusting than me (a bit more skeptical).

For example, recently in one morning as we were about to attack our days, he said I have something special to tell you. I asked what. He said that I love you very much and you are mine forever. So I joked by saying “even when I snore, clumsy, no make up and messed up on dinner?” He didn’t reply right away, then I proceeded by saying “I want to make sure that you truly love and not just the perfect image of me.” He then replied “yes, even though we haven’t met yet but I love every part of you (something like that).”

Back to the part “Then he paused for a good while, and when I asked what he wants to say. He mentioned that he wants me to always look good and great.” My first reaction to this is he likes external beauty (not just inner beauty), and he really wishes that I stay good looking. This is the reason I even more sure to reserve a space in my mind for reality check and have continued to tease and joked with those reality check questions to challenge his ideal perception on me and us. I even told him that when we plan to meet one day, you can imagine that I am the ugliest woman on Earth so you won’t get too disappointed. So far, he hasn’t changed or gotten annoyed with that. I feel pretty confident about myself with him. Just to catch you up a bit, I haven’t told you why I seemed to trust him quickly. Believe it or not. I had him on my vision board when I was trying to get over MJ. I watched his Youtube, read his book, etc and I even prayed that I would meet him one day. So I felt that I’ve known him and his character. I wrote all of his characters in my vision board too. So when I got connected with him at first, I thought no way but didn’t feel it’s impossible because I’ve commented many times to his stuff with deep thoughts and sincere comments. He was the one reaching out to me btw.. just to say thank you for being his fan. We developed friendship first. I even got so skeptical about him 3 times at the beginning, which I mentioned this to you before the first time. After further encounters and frictions, I realized it is truly him because of specific things that I know about him, his activities, his characters, and how he sometimes challenge me on things that I need to hear. So then I felt bad and it was kinda funny how we roll into the friendship where he was the patient one. It’s kinda nice not to feel like I am walking on eggshells with a man. I can express myself with him while feeling safe, good or bad.

As far as the relationship with money, from the 5 things I gathered and listed here, I can see that you would be concerned if he is financially sound. No 2 is what I hear from his old youtube. So it’s not recent stuff, nor what he told me. It was the story when he was starting off with his career. I actually felt connected with this type of integrity to self, and made me feel love towards him, before I met him. On no 3 & 4, I can see that he could be facing certain challenges at times that created this fear. He actually shared those with me already, but I won’t share further here since it’s a private thing and I want to respect that. We’ve had a bit conversation about this. But what I’d like to ask you is what are your recommendation on questions that I can ask to learn more about his relationship with money. I personally think he is too trusting on money with people and he could get taken advantage of by people. What are the typical red flags that I should consider toxic in a relationship? Can those be fixed or not? I haven’t had enough experience in having money conversation with my former guys. So I could use your insights.

I have new questions and thoughts that I want to ask you actually. I recently caught myself in a bit of mind indulging of the possibilities in being taken care of by him financially in the future because he said he would. He recently did something generous to me financially. Then, I feel a little fear. I think this is what James Bauer mentioned to be dangerous. When you first started a relationship and you have abundance mindset, then as you got deeper in relationship, you started having this feeling of invested and afraid to lose it. So you could slip into scarcity mindset mode. I am trying hard to stay grounded and independently happy but sometimes this feeling resurfaced. How should I view myself and him in a relationship so I can stay true to the way we are when we just first started and just have a healthy relationship without feeling entitled? Like, I don’t want to have expectations that he should financially supports me, although he may want to. Am I being stupid or smart? I feel that a lot of women love their men to take care of them financially and spoiled them with stuff. They even put up with the fact that their men don’t respect their opinions sometimes just to stay in the financial stability comfort zone. Honestly, the thought of this make me feel icky. I have a discussion with my new guy about how we want to proceed in our career as our relationship develops. At first, he thought he wants me to help in his biz but then I gave him 2 examples on couples who (A) work together in the guy’s main biz, (B) have our own separate biz and just attend each other’s biz events. After seeing some examples, we both voted B, which I am glad. I feel that I want both of us to have our own space and freedom. I shared that I want to earn my own money so I can treat him for his bday with that because I feel some wives are lame for using their husband’s money to buy him gifts.

That brought me to my next question (I know I am such a planner and just want to learn early about stuff), how to diffuse my entitlement feeling like he should do this and do that for me, which I can see could be a pressure and not fun for the guy. Same goes with me I guess. I want to stay independent and not having too many expectations because I can see that he is the type who likes to do nice things when he can. Like recently he told me he wants to send me a gift but I can’t ask what it is because it’s a surprise. I still haven’t received it yet because he said he is still working on it. So… this is something that I need to learn too. Patience. I find it’s hard not to get some of my hopes up when he said he will do something. I really don’t want to experience disappointments like with my ex. Is it bad to expect what has been promised to me? What if he sometimes doesn’t pull through due to uncontrollable circumstances? Any suggestions on this? Is it bad to still love someone who you enjoy to be with but sometimes might not deliver results as you anticipate. This is a general question in my mind, not necessarily applicable to this new guy.

Thank you in advance, Heidi.

[ESE H]

Hi Kanya,

Thank you for reiterating what Heidi mentioned. I understand why you both said that. I am not disagreeing. However, I’d like to plan ahead and learn about what to watch out for when we do see each other in person. Any advice on the money questions I had?

I don’t have plan to slow down. To me this is a normal pace of being honest with each other and not having too many filters and being authentic. I guess when you clicked, you just click. I didn’t plan to move quickly. He moves quicker than me. I of course reserve a space of caution as discussed by Heidi on imagination vs reality. However, that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy the relationship even in the limited capacity that we have. Hope that makes sense. For now, all I got are words that we shared and maybe some pics. Until we get to meet up, this is what I have to work with I guess.

[ESE H]

Hi Heidi,
Thank you for your reply and suggestions.
I completely understand your points. Honestly I was rather skeptical at first but I am trying not to be because I want to enjoy this relationship and just have fun like you said. I have further questions about the money part. What should I watch out for? What are healthy relationship with money look like without talking about it? How to learn his views about money? What are the limiting beliefs around money that I need to watch out for? The only things he has shared so far about money are:
1. Financial stability is one of the 5 important things in life to him.
2. He likes to save so he can afford to say no to gigs or clients whom he doesn’t like.
3. He has fear if he doesn’t have money because he really wants to take care of me and have a family.
4. He asked me once if I would still love him if he was just starting off in his venture.
5. He is generous and loves to give without expecting something in return. He supports some charity work but not promoting it as marketing campaign. It’s a personal thing.

I know I can pay attention more into this but really interested to learn.

About the past stories, glad you called out where the problem lays. It’s in what I do with those. So good and I’ll keep this in mind.

BTW, I caught something recently and it validated what you told me about looking best for him. He used to say the inner beauty matter most, which it is. But recently he mentioned if I have been eating well because he knows I’ve been a bit stress about work and working hard to launch my new website and expedite clients’ projects. Then he paused for a good while, and when I asked what he wants to say. He mentioned that he wants me to always look good and great. Not sure if you have thoughts about this. I could get complacent sometimes with my look but in general I do like to look good and feel good when I am at my ideal weight, which I recently reached without even trying. When I got busy I sometimes forgot to eat and just snacked all day. Anyways, talk to you soon, Heidi! Hope you are doing well. Thank you again.

[ESE H]

Hi Heidi,

These are AMAZING advice and scripts that I can learn and apply. THANK YOU! Yeah, those sound much more loving and accurate. I like the word compromise vs sacrifice in this situation. I’ve noticed I used more dramatic words sometimes. Maybe unconsciously I was trying to get more reaction growing up from my parents? I need to learn to be more mindful about the words I choose, but sometimes it could be my bilingual thing. I have this insecurity around language skills. I have felt that my sisters are much more skillful in those areas while I am more creative visually and conceptually. Can I learn this language skill and gain this confident? Any advice on how to practice this, Heidi? There was that saying about your words creates your destiny or something like that. I feel that I’ve struggled in believing that I can have that ideal destiny because of my inability to choose my words right. But then again, people told me I am quite articulate. Inside I am not so sure. Even with this guy, sometimes my mind wants to self sabotage to think if this good guy even real. I know it’s not his problem. It is mine. Just being real here. Help!

So I am always open to expanding my vocabulary. What I thought was very on point to me is my indirect expression of what I need. I’ve noticed this bad habit of mine in my past relationships (quite a lot). You reminded me (MJ might have mentioned this too) to just say what I mean vs going around the subject of vulnerability, which counter intuitively work better. It’s so much simpler and peaceful to express exactly how I feel and what I need in the way you suggested, and it’s the better thing to do to inspire your partner vs guilting him. I didn’t mean to guilt him and I thought I was being authentic in the way I felt by saying something. But it was not an accurate expressions. So, noted on this call out, and will correct my mindset and habit. Your suggestion about offering to watch the movie he loves is a good one. He actually has proactively come up with that solution by offering me a movie that he thought we both would think it’s fun to watch. So, I like the fact that eventhough he is compromising what he wants for me, he still wants to authentically enjoy the time with me by taking care of his own wish creatively. Don’t you think he is quite a healthy type of guy?

I have a question needing your advice. How do you talk about finances? He is the type that is very open and trusting and will give all access to his stuff. I am used to being in control of the finances because my ex was not very good at that and was a irresponsible spender (such as gambling). With this new guy, he admits that he is not very organized either but he is quite endearing about his honesty. I think he has someone who manages his finances but as a couple, what’s the best way (script) to bring up this subject to make sure we understand each other? I personally would like joint account and my own account for my other women needs you know? I am sure he might want his own space too but not sure actually. With him, I feel that I can be more open because he is the type that doesn’t prohibit me to pursue what I want and get what makes me happy.

I have brought up the subject about career wise, whether he wants me to join his venture or whether we want to pursue our own stuff still. We both agreed in pursuing our own stuff still. I explained how I want to be able to make my own money so I can buy him gifts using my own money. Because I feel it’s lame for a woman to buy gifts using their hubby’s money. Is that even a wrong thinking on my part? Any thoughts on this mindset? Deep down I still have this fear about relying on my partner to support me and not have anything of my own to fall back into if things don’t work out between us. It’s the story I’ve told myself since I watched how my Mom had to stay with my Dad eventhough she felt unloved. I’ve told myself that I’ve never wanted to end up trapped like that. But then again, this year, I’ve learned not to fear this anymore and there is a beauty in letting go and just fall in love. Relationship and love can be messy I guess. Meaning I must let go the need to control things. I need to trust life will happen as it should and I will be okay someway somehow. I really don’t want to mess up this relationship by holding on to my past stories, fear and controlling thoughts. Any suggestions on how to let go of this negative thoughts? This guy inspires me to be more peaceful, trusting and be myself.. maybe a better version of myself. Thank you in advance!

[ESE H]

Hi Heidi,

These are AMAZING advice and scripts that I can learn and apply. THANK YOU! Yeah, those sound much more loving and accurate. I like the word compromise vs sacrifice in this situation. I’ve noticed I used more dramatic words sometimes. Maybe unconsciously I was trying to get more reaction growing up from my parents? I need to learn to be more mindful about the words I choose, but sometimes it could be my bilingual thing. I have this insecurity around language skills. I have felt that my sisters are much more skillful in those areas while I am more creative visually and conceptually. Can I learn this language skill and gain this confident? Any advice on how to practice this, Heidi? There was that saying about your words creates your destiny or something like that. I feel that I’ve struggled in believing that I can have that ideal destiny because of my inability to choose my words right. But then again, people told me I am quite articulate. Inside I am not so sure. Even with this guy, sometimes my mind wants to self sabotage to think if this good guy even real. I know it’s not his problem. It is mine. Just being real here. Help!

So I am always open to expanding my vocabulary. What I thought was very on point to me is my indirect expression of what I need. I’ve noticed this bad habit of mine in my past relationships (quite a lot). You reminded me (MJ might have mentioned this too) to just say what I mean vs going around the subject of vulnerability, which counter intuitively work better. It’s so much simpler and peaceful to express exactly how I feel and what I need in the way you suggested, and it’s the better thing to do to inspire your partner vs guilting him. I didn’t mean to guilt him and I thought I was being authentic in the way I felt by saying something. But it was not an accurate expressions. So, noted on this call out, and will correct my mindset and habit. Your suggestion about offering to watch the movie he loves is a good one. He actually has proactively come up with that solution by offering me a movie that he thought we both would think it’s fun to watch. So, I like the fact that eventhough he is compromising what he wants for me, he still wants to authentically enjoy the time with me by taking care of his own wish creatively. Don’t you think he is quite a healthy type of guy?

I have a question needing your advice. How do you talk about finances? He is the type that is very open and trusting and will give all access to his stuff. I am used to being in control of the finances because my ex was not very good at that and was a irresponsible spender (such as gambling). With this new guy, he admits that he is not very organized either but he is quite endearing about his honesty. I think he has someone who manages his finances but as a couple, what’s the best way (script) to bring up this subject to make sure we understand each other? I personally would like joint account and my own account for my other women needs you know? I am sure he might want his own space too but not sure actually. With him, I feel that I can be more open because he is the type that doesn’t prohibit me to pursue what I want and get what makes me happy.

I have brought up the subject about career wise, whether he wants me to join his venture or whether we want to pursue our own stuff still. We both agreed in pursuing our own stuff still. I explained how I want to be able to make my own money so I can buy him gifts using my own money. Because I feel it’s lame for a woman to buy gifts using their hubby’s money. Is that even a wrong thinking on my part? Any thoughts on this mindset? Deep down I still have this fear about relying on my partner to support me and not have anything of my own to fall back into if things don’t work out between us. It’s the story I’ve told myself since I watched how my Mom had to stay with my Dad eventhough she felt unloved. I’ve told myself that I’ve never wanted to end up trapped like that. But then again, this year, I’ve learned not to fear this anymore and there is a beauty in letting go and just fall in love. Relationship and love can be messy I guess. Meaning I must let go the need to control things. I need to trust life will happen as it should and I will be okay someway somehow. I really don’t want to mess up this relationship by holding on to my past stories, fear and controlling thoughts. Any suggestions on how to let go of this negative thoughts? This guy inspires me to be more peaceful, trusting and be myself.. maybe a better version of myself. Thank you in advance!

[ESE H]

Hi Heidi,

Thank you for this fair warning and I completely understand your explanations. About the kids question, I maybe thinking too far ahead in questioning it this time. I was asking for your advice to tackle for future time, when I have actually met him in person and after I feel validated in the way we feel during long distant. Eventhough it’s in the back burner, do you mind advising on that anyway? I am super curious if you have thoughts (even just a starter) on that. It’s only for my own reference for now.

Regarding my yellow flag with that question. I’ve noticed this to be my pattern, not sure if you can call it my co-dependency style. Even MJ seemed to notice and my sister did too. I don’t want to say that I give with condition and expectations but honestly, I sorta do. I think I wasn’t this way until I’ve been in that 18 years of toxic relationship where I continue to give without reciprocation of love from my ex. So I got sensitive and noticed that my guards went up faster nowadays when someone seemed to take from my kindness without seeming thoughtful enough to give back once in a while. Now as far as this new guy, I felt that whenever he shared a personal problem big or small, I’ve always been there to comfort him and give him encouragements. Even when he asked me for small help here and there, not too often, I am the type that would go out of my way to help. I understand that I shouldn’t expect anything when helping someone, and just do it because I care about someone and I enjoy helping. And I do in general but that day I felt that I hit a stressful day and want to unwind.
I rarely hit this type of day, and I can understand that he may not realize that I had that type of day since he couldn’t see my facial expressions. But I said that I need to unwind and asked to watch a movie. Once I asked him if he wouldn’t mind helping me with something like proofreading my new website, but I allowed him to say no if this is not his thing. He said it wasn’t his thing, and I was fine with that because I don’t like proofreading either. About the movie part, I felt different because we don’t really have much channel to spend quality time and I rarely ask for this kind of support, so when he said I am not in the movie mood, I was kinda disappointed. So I asked him that question. I’m sure you’ve heard the concept of Five Love Languages. Do you believe in that concept? I’ve noticed that mine top 3 love languages are: action, words of affirmation and quality time. At the time, he doesn’t know this concept. I’ve suggested him to check it out, and he said he will but still hasn’t. So that could be the reason I was testing him with that question to see if he would actually take loving action (call it sacrifice) for me. Because I would. Is it unhealthy to expect this from your loved one? What if I keep giving and he never knows what I want to make me happy, like in my previous marriage? That was my fear by not voicing what I want. It will be on me that he doesn’t know it ‘cuz he can’t read my mind, especially when we are long distant. I feel that he will be more sensitive when in person, so I may not have to say this because he would be able to see my mood in person. Are you more concerned about the way I formed this question? Like why can’t I just say “it would make me really happy if you would watch the movie with me”. Vs will you sacrifice what you want for me? I can see of the tone of wanting him to give up a part of his happiness for me. Is that your concern? I guess in my definition of love, sacrifice is part of that. Act of love (sacrifice) to me is romantic. Like Jesus sacrifice his life for us. As I am talking with you now, I realized the difference. Yes, I can make the sacrifices as act of love, but I should be doing that truly for love, not to expect something in return, like Jesus will always love us eventhough we might not appreciate or be as good as He is. Am I realizing the right stuff, Heidi? To my understanding, a good couple would do things for each other willingly to make the other person happy. But I’ve also noticed around me that there are so many unhappy couple where the wives bitch about their hubbies so much that they don’t do certain things. I noticed that they don’t even tell their hubbies what they want in a nice way. So I learned that men sometimes just need the communication from their women on what they want, because they do want to make us happy. So I thought that was what I attempted to do. I don’t want him not to know when I needed his support because I rarely ask for that and usually quite independent. My new guy is also independent and normally resolve things on his own so maybe that’s just how he thinks people operate. I am the opposite. I sometimes need to hash things out with a trusted friend. So far, he makes me happy just by being who he is, and I want him to be happy. Even if he doesn’t watch the movie with me, I will feel a bit disappointed and unsupported at that moment, but I don’t think that feeling will overpower my love and admiration feeling for him as a character and friend, considering it was late, and I actually like the fact that he was honest about not in movie feeling. We encourage honesty in this relationship. So recently I shared with him the list of things that he has done that make me feel loved and also about my top 3 love languages so he can understand. His top 3 are action, words of affirmation and physical touch. Thoughts?

About “anything for you” respond, yeah, I am with you on that. I’ve never completely bought into this concept. I just didn’t want to contest that part until we meet in person. What would you say if you were me if your guy say this to you? Will you tell him that he doesn’t have to do things that he doesn’t want to do? I read somewhere that men can be selfish and think of themselves first. I know this can’t be true with all men. Selfish is not good but self-love is healthy right? My big question is how do I know if I am in a healthy relationship? We can’t always be happy 100% of the time and there will be learning curve with each other all the time right? How do I know if certain tensions are healthy and certain ones are seeds to be toxic and codependent? I just want to make sure I will be in the healthy one. Per James Bauer’s list, he seemed to be the healthy kinda guy. I mean no one is perfect but I feel that he is close to perfect for me. I am still cautious about my feeling though until I really meet him in person.

I asked him about what his work focus lately recently, and he answered it but short and efficient. The thing is I know most of the things he does since I’m a part of his FB group, follow his stuff etc. And he shared that he enjoys every part of his work. He does have certain restrictions on disclosing his work stuff, so that could be why. He normally answers what he can. I asked him about his past travel experiences, but I feel that lately he is not in the mood to chat about that because that makes him sad for not being together. He does want to travel together but he has a work situation that doesn’t allow him to do so yet. So that could be why he is reserved, and I feel that he is blaming himself for not being able to visit me yet although he really wants to. Maybe I just need to be understanding how he feels as a man in not being able to make that happened yet.

You shared interesting insights that make me analyse about myself deeper. In a way, I kinda feel that God arranged this long distant situation for good reasons. For me at least. If I were to meet him in person sooner (I almost did when I attended his event early in the year), I may not be as developed as a peaceful and authentic woman that I am, and I still need to work on myself too. Any other thoughts came up, Heidi? Thank you again for everything.

[ESE H]

Hi Heidi,

Thank you for your great input. You validated my approach on not putting him on the pedestal. At the beginning as I was getting to know him, I asked him if prefer to be more under the radar and he said yes. So I made him laugh by sending him funny covid mask pictures for ideas, and asked him if he wants me to treat him as normal human being. When he said yes please. I said “Good, if you asked me to put you on the pedestal, I won’t be able to treat you more than surface friends.” So I think we’ve established equal positioning there. Growing up, this seems natural to me as my Dad has always taught us to treat everyone with same level of respect and not to idolize famous celebrities as they are only normal human beings. So I always appreciate and admire people based on the quality of their characters, regardless of fame, financial status or title. Good tips on appearances. I think I am decent in that department as I consider myself quite polished and fashionable without being too showy. He said he appreciates inner beauty more. He asked me for my pics, and I sent him, he said I am beautiful. Do you know that this is on my vision board, Heidi? I literally wrote I want my man to specifically says I am beautiful. My ex used to say I was pretty which I don’t like. MJ say I am wonderful. So in this sense, he used the right word for me lol. For some reasons, with him, I am not too intimidated to work the room sorta speak because of what he values in me (the inner beauty part). I do need to learn to get dolled up more for higher level event in case that occasion arise. Side note, I recently did a video shoot for my new venture with me being interviewed for my own website, launching within 2 weeks. I was sooo… self conscious and like a deer in the headlight at the beginning. Towards the end of the shoot, I got better but I still feel I could show up better. First experience is out of the way now. My older daughter did the video edit and she did an amazing job to cut my mess ups haha. My team loves the video. So, it’s a good thing I learned to do this in case I ever need to be more visible in public both with him and for my own venture.

Thank you for your wisdom and support on the subject of love and trust. I addressed it to him recently about how to trust better since he mentioned “trust me again”. I shared about the concept of trusting yourself and letting go of guarantee of result after considering the risk, and accepting that universe will provide what needs to happen. He was really receptive and felt it was insightful. I really love the fact that he gets these deep concepts more than MJ (who usually has competitive come back), and especially way more than my ex (completely clueless what I just shared).

As far as yellow flags, I do have some that I am not sure if they are flags yet. Since he has been single and I’ve been married, I feel that he has naive view about marriage and potential challenges. He implied he wants to have kids together, which weirdly enough, I felt fine that he thinks way further than I have about our future. He assured me that he will still love me even we don’t have kids together but I know he wants to be a Dad some day, and honestly, although I am a bit nervous to have kids in my mid 40s, I could be excited to have a kid with him since I genuinely love him and I think vice versa. I read about the risks and there 50-50 concerns which not sure how much to share yet. He said he is okay with adopting too. My yellow flag is more in my own fear on how to keep up our romantic relationship when we are together. Since we are not long distant now, we feel that we miss each other so much. He tells me this everyday. I feel the same way. But when we are together daily, I believe our dynamic could change. I sorta warned him that if we have kids, our dynamic will definitely change, you know. He said he understands. So my yellow flag is even though he said he understands, I know he doesn’t fully understand the commitment level of being a husband and a Dad. I think he could be a much better Dad and better husband than my ex, because he understands the meaning of true love in the way I understand it and we are honest about our feelings and seemed on the same level in mindset and decision making. We also discussed about our five love languages. How should I educate him about the things that he should expect like in having a kid of our own? How that could change sex life? etc. I sorta want him to know but I sorta want him to just experience it without scaring him. I don’t want to rob him from his excitement to this first time experience in being married, having kid. Any advice on that?

Oh the other day, I had a rougher day and asked him if we can watch a movie together. Then he said he wasn’t in the mood for movies. So I asked him if he will ever sacrifice what he wants for me. He immediately agrees to watching the movie so we did. He picked a decent action movie which we both enjoyed and I love him for making the time since it was late in NY (like 1am by the time we were done). When I thanked him, he said “anything for you.” I thought that was sweet of him.

Another possible yellow flag is whenever I asked him for details… about his work, his travel etc, he seemed not really into elaborating much, like those are just his chores and he is not the type to brag. He prefers talking about us and our relationship, which in a way, could be healthy vs him bringing his stress home. He shares some of most his stressful situation but not the day to day small talk type of shares. I guess that makes sense. Oh, I tried the question you suggested, what was the thing that he makes him feel successful today? I was hoping that will make him share about his work. Guess what he said? He said having me as his gf in his life is what makes him feel successful everyday. Lol…. You see? I should feel blessed and not complain about this sweet answer right? Any other question suggestions to get him to share more about his work or travel? Or should is just enjoy the bliss?

How about the fact that he doesn’t like asking other people for financial help? Is that a yellow flag or is actually a good thing?

BTW, James B posted this article recently:

Want Romantic Bliss? Use My Top 10 List for Choosing a Lifelong Partner

I must say he checked all 10 boxes for me, so just need to solidify this list in person next :).

Thank you so much Heidi.

[ESE H]

Hi Heidi,

Thank you for those tips! Great reminders. I have asked him that 0-10 rating questions when we were friends such as rate your fulfillment level etc. That actually what led him to open up on his relationship situation and brought us closer to being together now. I will try the other questions too and come up with more like that.

When I say high profile, I mean he is a visible public icon for certain group of entrepreneurs. So he has busy schedule and need to keep up that good front. I really like him because is not the typical people who promote charity for marketing his work. He does that behind the scene separately, so it’s genuine in my book. He seemed generous to help people and he loves kids eventhough he doesn’t have one yet. He talked about it with us though. I’ve never been so included in this type of forward discussion until being with him. So I am hoping to learn to embrace this type of honest, healthy relationship vs repelling it unintentionally because I am not used to it. He also said to me that I don’t need to thank him all the time. That made me realize that I do thank him a lot because my ex used to expect that kind of affirmations for every little things, even when he cooked something that is only tasting okay. He would want me to boost his ego like 3 times in 1 meal. I explained this to my new guy where it’s coming from. But we agreed that there is nothing wrong to thank often, but he introduced me to a healthier relationship model where we feel appreciated just by being together harmoniously without thanking every single thing.

About trust, you made another great point. I have recently practiced this suggestion when he wants me to trust him. Like you’ve taught me, I listened to my gut and had inner discussion with myself about all the risks when trusting him on certain thing. I was being authentic. When I landed to a point where I can be okay even with the worst outcome, then I feel okay to trust on that certain thing. I managed that part well because my gut was right. He felt bad recently for taking too long in pulling through on something that he meant to do. But since I was already accepting the fact that it’s possible for him to take longer, I wasn’t too disappointed and was able to move on with full understanding. That made me trust myself even more. He even said yesterday “like you knew that things will take longer” so he gained trust in my gut feel. In that sense, that is a good thing right? Like letting him learn from experience vs resisting to trust from the beginning. It’s almost like parenting. Sometimes your kids don’t see your advice to be solid and I’d let them make the mistakes that I foresee could happen, and I am just waiting patiently on the sideline to be ready to catch them when they fall. Letting them know that you will be there no matter what. I feel that’s true love.

I learned from you and somewhere that love and good relationship are not about equal trade. What are your thoughts on this? It’s about authentically giving from the heart without expecting things in return. I am not saying one sided giving here. I meant not calculating every transaction you made kinda thing. Sometimes he comforts me and sometimes I do. I guess being there for each other is what matters. There is no winning or losing in love and relationship. It’s an infinite game. I honestly feel very excited at the same time nervous to be courageous in love this time around. But I choose trust and courage before fear and regret. I don’t want to miss a chance for something great because I don’t embrace the potential of bright future that I could experience with him. I practice my faith a lot lately and I am still working on my personal development to stay strong, wise, loving and vulnerable to my whole self right now, with and without him. I pray a lot for patience, humility, strength and wisdom to God during this transitional time. So, Heidi, if you have any good tips, warning etc about dating or building relationship with this type of high profile people, please share. Really appreciate you always. Thank you.

[ESE H]

Hi Heidi,

Sorry for the delay in my reply. I’ve been slammed and was having a bit trouble logging into this forum.
I think your observation is on point. I noticed that flag too but didn’t see it as clearly as you are. He does have childhood neglect issue from his Dad. The parents are still together but he didn’t feel loved by his Dad who doesn’t spend much time with him. So he spent most of his time with his mom and sister. I can feel that he is more comfortable with women. He doesn’t come of flirtatious like MJ could be and we had quite a bit discussion about trust and what are important in relationships. He said truthfulness, trust, respect and understandng are important to him. To me, trust, respect, unconditional love and loyalty are important. And when I asked him on how he handles certain challenges, he at first shared that he deals a lot of things on his own but he doesn’t elaborate specific things. So, I can see what you are referring to as keeping his emotion buried to go with the flow. Eventhough he said he doesn’t get triggered and barely get mad, I have seen him getting upset at what I said, which is good. Like you said, you can’t trust someone who doesn’t show that negative emotions sometimes. He has but it’s not anger; he would say “I am not happy about it” and confronted me right away. Then I addressed it. Sometimes we did back and forth discussion sharing each of our point of view. What I love about us is that we always end up forgiving and gaining understanding about each other and ourselves more. We both have no problem in saying sorry when we upset the other person but at the same time, put our foot down when we feel it’s important to us. He often asked if he needs to give me space when I got upset which I appreciate. But I would say no, I don’t need space, I just need to talk it out and we did. When I was at fault and I apologized, he would forgive me then proceeded with a joke that he will punish me when he comes to see me. We often joked and we got each other’s sense of humor, which is fun. So yeah, I am glad that he says something when he is not happy or felt offended or something. It helps me understand his feeling and love towards me, I feel.
To me, it’s a bit hard to judge him fully while having long distant relationship. What I wish he would do more of is to share details of his good days or travels. When I asked how his day goes, he would simply say something short like good, or fine, then proceeding asking about my day. Although we have a shared forum where I can see his activities, maybe that’s why he didn’t bother elaborating. I have encouraged him to share by giving him a safe space, and he would share his fear and concerns but he hesitated at first because he doesn’t want to be a downer. He is an optimistic person so maybe it is his daily mechanism. I feel I can be that way too. Do you have any suggestions on how to get a reserved guy to be chattier? I feel sometimes that I asked a lot more questions to get him to share about him. This is from the beginning btw. He even said “you asked a lot of questions, but it’s okay.” Sometimes I would ask a question that he likes then he got chatty and fun. I can tell he likes talking about ways to take care of me and our future. He is a bit sad with Covid and his current contract that doesn’t allow him to visit me for a while. So, we miss each other a lot and at times, I feel a bit distant because I think he doesn’t like being away and not able to take care of me in person. He says good morning often. And I said good night more. I tried to cheer him up and he appreciates it but that just made him miss me more. Well, another issue is his wifi sometimes slow and down all of a sudden. So our movie night got postponed due to the wifi. I looked up tips on long distant dating and he was open to hearing the ideas. We hope to try that movie night again when we are less busy. Heidi, do you have any tips to get someone higher profile to share their business activities? What should I know in getting into a relationship with someone who is higher profile? He is known to be respectable and lovable person. He still has slight issue from his childhood memory but seemed to be on the level now as an adult with his Dad. Trust to him is a big thing. He kinda inspires me to trust more because he is a trusting person. He noticed that I’ve been cautious. I got him upset when I don’t show immediate trust like he does, so he challenged me sometimes to show trust. I got better slowly and I shared my past so he understands where it was coming from. So he is being patient. I am at the point that I feel I need to learn to be more courageous to trust him. Another thing that he helped me with was he asked direct questions, like “do you have feelings for me?” I think we won’t be together in the closer capacity if he hasn’t been more forward on this type of stuff, because I tend to hide my feelings, like with MJ. I told him about MJ too when we started our friendship. He shared about his last gf but not too much. Just enough for me to get the flare of how their relationship went. I suggested him to check out 5 love languages book. Anyway, still learning about each other. Another thing that he said that it’s his greatest accomplishment to have a woman as beautiful as me. He seemed to be determined to be with me for the rest of his lifetime. Honestly, I feel the same about him (not the beautiful woman part lol) strangely enough although I am more of the skeptic like I will decide that after I meet him in person. But it feels good to be loved by him as I’ve been a fan of his work and character. When I learned about his childhood issue, I was like “another guy with father issue?” Either a lot of guys have father relationship issue or my pattern is following me. Although, I did my vision board with list of his characteristics. Could I be attracting him through manifestation? Thoughts? Any other tips are welcomed with appreciation. Thanks Heidi.

[ESE H]

Hey Heidi,

I can’t share too much about what he does here. But you can call him leadership coach for companies and a writer.
I appreciate your guidance to talk about the hard stuff. Don’t worry, I got that covered way in the beginning. Our relationship actually started with conflict and misunderstanding where I was the one getting triggered. Nothing to do with him. It was my lack of trust and past pains resurfacing. The reason why we are together is because he was the patient one and forgiving to my triggers. He claimed he doesn’t get triggered much, and hardly get mad. I can see that to be true, the more I know him. He is kind, gentle and respectful for my space. He doesn’t like seeing me upset and always want to see me happy. We talked about conflicts and how we’d like to handle it. We agreed to talk them out right away with full honesty and respect, and not go to bed angry with one another. He shared his childhood memories that he didn’t like and how he coped with it. I feel that he chose the higher route. What I noticed with him is he is sensitive and thoughtful. At times, he won’t share certain things not because he doesn’t want to be honest with me, but because he cares about how I might feel. So I respect his space and thoughtfulness for it. He knows all of my past relationships and is committing to my situation, as well as I am committing to his situation. I encouraged him to be honest and feel comfortable with me. He said he does feel comfortable and is always honest with me. I am very open in sharing my feelings with him (more than anyone in my life) because he is creating that safe space and always understanding. I am learning to be patient from him and to give that same save space. So… until we meet, this could be as good as we get for now. Any other thoughts?

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