[Zuki]

Hi Heidi,
What you wrote makes sense. Thank you for that. I guess I was feeling panicky as situation is getting worse here each day. So after reading your message I haven’t contacted him again this week so it stayed at that one message I sent, which was a funny video. Will do the once a week one. Do you have anything that I could send him?

[Zuki]

Hi. Yes, I have send a funny video this week. He has seen it but didn’t respond.
What we initially talked about was to keep sending funny videos and wait at least a month before I can suggest catching up. That would be April. But the way things are going we will be all home as schools and other places will be closed due to the virus. People are worried and so am I. What if I get sick with the virus and don’t make it. He might get sick. So yes I guess I am currently struggling and was hoping I could see him.

[Zuki]

Hi Heidi,
I try to keep busy and catch up with friends. Went to Comedy Show.
But things changed. The latest Coronavirus is making everyone worried. In our country few schools now closed, more cases are appearing. Government is now talking that potentially all schools will close in few weeks. Some events have been cancelled already. People are going crazy stocking up on toilet paper etc so there is a shortage of items in the shop. So my initial plan of contacting him each week with funny video and then try in April if he wants to go to Comedy Show, just went out of the window. Given the extreme situation I thought I could ask him if I can call him and if we do speak on the phone then I was going to tell him that I was going to wait until end of April to see if he wants to catch up but because with what is going on whether he would be ok to perhaps meet for a coffee or comedy show this month.

[Zuki]

Hi Heidi,
I gave myself 6 months and I do hope he comes around. I guess I am hoping for some miracle.

So far I iniated the contact but he always responds quite quickly. I spoke to him on the phone last week and this week I sent him your suggested message about me contacting him once a week and sending him things. He said that he really appreciates it and thanked me. We exchanged few messages since then where he said it is hard for everyone and I validated his feelings. I also found out that apart from his kids nobody else in the family knows about the betrayal. So the fact that he told me and not others made me feel good. That means that he trusts me and must feel comfortable around me to do that.

I found a funny video, which I will send next week.

[Zuki]

Hi Kanya,
I did that. Heidi and I agreed to give him a month space and then tell him that I am offering friendship rather then relationship right now as he is not ready to be with someone. When I sent him a message after a month he responded straight away and told me what happened and what he found out during that time with the ex, kids, cheating etc. I am hoping he can get through the hurt and betrayal and we get a chance later.

[Zuki]

Thank you MC and Kanya and Heidi.
Yes, I really care about him and hope that he will be able to move on now. I also hope that with all of your help I will be able to get through to him, his hurt and anger so that he can see he can now shut that door and try to live a life. And perhaps give us a chance. I will try to contact him once a week and see how he responds. I might call as I noticed he listens better rather than reading messages. And will try to tell him over the phone what you suggested in the previous message (contacting him once a week i.e. on Monday).

[Zuki]

Hi,
Thank you for asking. I am lucky enough to have lots of friends who I can call and talk to. Or cry on their shoulders if needed.
I ended up talking to him on the phone. He wasn’t as emotional anymore and didn’t cry but was more angry. He filled me on more details and I tried to validate the feelings as you suggested. He admitted to what you said that it does feel like another break up. The ex kept pressuring him on getting back together and he said he did entertain the thought at the start of the year but more that because family unit is important for him than anything else.
He needs to somehow realise that you can still have a family without the partner and that doesn’t mean the family is completely broken. I have my kids, my parents, my sister…that’s my family and I don’t look at it as broken.
He said that he wants to be single now (not suprised there) and just burry himself at work. The anger and hurt was coming out as he was saying he will wait for the kids to finish school and that he might just disappear overseas ( I doubted that as kids and family are very important to him).
I was going to see if I can ask him to go to a comedy show. As friends only and see if it could be a distraction. If I can get him out. Do you have any suggestions?

[Zuki]

Thank you. Would you call or send a message? And after how long? When we spoke on the phone for about half an hour today he then said he was going to go as he didn’t want to talk about it. That that’s all he has been doing the whole week (I assume with his kids). Before we ended the call I asked if I can call later and he said sure. I initially offered to come over but he said he wasn’t a good company.

[Zuki]

Hi Heidi,
I have sent your message about the friendship and got an immediate response and we ended up talking on the phone after. He apologised for not being in touch and explained that he is quite shattered as he learned only short time ago that his ex-wife was cheating on him during the last 3 years of their marriage with another married person and she left him for this married guy. His kids knew about it but didn’t tell him. His kid only told him now because the ex has been wanting to get back because her affair with the married guy didn’t work out as he never left his wife. The ex is now worried that she will end up lonely so she kept putting lots of pressure on getting back. So quite a mess. The guy I like was feeling quite depressed as he has very strong family values and this was a sense of betrayal for him and the fact that the children were exposed to this and had to go through it.
How to help someone going through this without being pushy so that they don’t just sit on the couch feeling miserable? He clearly trusts me to tell me all of this as his mum for example doesn’t know. How to help to get pass this?

[Zuki]

Thank you. I will send it next week.
What does the below sentence mean in the suggested message?

I’m game for meeting up for lunch every once in awhile.

[Zuki]

Hi Heidi,
It looks like my previous reply didn’t post. Not sure why.
The problem is he doesn’t know about the friendship. I was going to discuss it face to face with him but that didn’t happen. So he will be thinking I still want a relationship. That’s why I was thinking of sending the message telling him that but not sure how to word it. But you are right; will wait few weeks.

There is a book “The 5 Love Languages of Children” and “The Five Love Languages of Teenagers”. I used it with my kids and it really helped. I was thinking of sending link to these only. Not the one for adults on relationship.

[Zuki]

Hi Heidi,
Thank you. I will wait couple of more weeks. How should I word it about the friendship?
I was also thinking of sending him a link to “Five Love Languages”. If he can identify the daughters love language and works on that, she might change. I believe if the kids love tank is full and satisfied even when the parent is dating then they might be more open to the idea of the parent having someone else. It worked with my kids.

[Zuki]

Hi,
I agree with you and under normal circumstances I would have stopped contacting him. I can see he is not ready to be in a relationship. Through your suggestion I was going to see if I can be there as the support and friend and help him to resolve issues with his daughter. Only then he might be ready to be with someone. I was going to put the relationship aside for the moment. But he doesn’t know that as I was going to have a face to face conversation. So he might still think I want full relationship. My plan was that if even after our catch up and me trying all the points you and I discussed, there is no change, then that would be the point I would give up. Everytime we had face to face conversations he opened up more about things. That’s why I wanted to meet and have the discussion.
If I don’t hear from him should I then send a message explaining that I understand he is not ready to ve with someone but we can still meet as friends.

[Zuki]

Hi Heidi,
It’s me who is texting. He normally responds but it has been me sending messages first 😕. Yesterday he called so we talked a bit. He said that there is lots of cleaning to do after the party. Before I got the chance to say let’s catch up on the weekend he had to rush off (sounded like he was somewhere in the shop). He said he would call back but he didn’t that night. I called today and left a voicemail more as a joke saying Hi “Mr I ll Call you back”. Then I said I was just kidding as I went out for dinner that night anyway so wasn’t on the phone. And to call me.
I am starting to think that he doesn’t want to meet. Or he is so distructed with other things that he clearly has no capacity for me. He is a nice decent guy with good family values but this is leaving me frustrated and wondering whether to give up. I really wanted that face to face chat and to see if we have any chance.

[Zuki]

Hi. Nothing really happened. I suggested going to a comedy festival but he declined as he would struggle with time. He was getting house ready for his daughter’s 21st birthday party with around 180 people. I knew this party was a big deal as he was talking about it already last year and what he needs to get done for it. So I gave him the space. The party was on this weekend. I just texted asking if he wants to catch up this coming weekend where he can tell me about the party and I can tell him about my trip. So I guess it all depends on his response now. I will be disappointed if we don’t catch up and not sure what else to do. I cannot try what has been suggested if we don’t catch up and if we don’t catch up we will never know if there was a chance for us or not.

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