[Cynthia B]

Hi Heidi,
Thank you for your insights. I looked up Gottman Institute and purchased the 8 dates book today. Hope this helps.
He has been over everyday this week. Yesterday he brought up an ongoing problem out of the blue. We were arguing about it but then We switched to discussing it. And we then both apologized for our part. Then kissed and hugged and made up. I think we solved the problem. That was good.
I liked the wording you suggested for me to use.
However What I am thinking of doing first is to just come out and ask him if he is going to leave her? What do you think? I can then decide what to do based on his answer.
If we are to get back together we need a fresh start. It is nice that he calls me every morning and night. When we were married he always kept in touch with me when I was out of town. So he has always been attentive that way.
I will look into Helen Fisher’s information.
I look forward to getting your feedback. Thanks for your help.

[Cynthia B]

I am sure he would not agree to a therapist. And I am not sure I would like to do this either. I do better reading and learning through books. There is a ton of information online. Lots of it is not a good fit for me but when a read James Bauer how he explains things resonates with me. A therapist is not the way I want to go. I would like to learn a lot more however. Does the Gottman institute have books I can read? Are there any other books out there you could recommend?
I like James Bauer. What books does he have that might be helpful?
As you know this is an ongoing situation. I was hoping to get a little guidance. I am unwilling to continue with this situation as is. We have been talking and enjoying each other’s company when we see each other and we are laughing a lot again. However I will not continue seeing him if he is going to see her too. I am clear on that. I am just conflicted on best way to approach this.

If you can’t help I will keep reading. I might sound very conflicted now and I am. I have lead a reasonably “normal” life without drama. This is a lot of drama and I do not like it. I can just end it all and go through the grieving process and I know I will be fine. I don’t have to persue a man because I can be happy single. I was 37 before I married. I wanted a good husband. And I thought I had a good husband.

[Cynthia B]

Hi Kanye,
Thanks for responding.
This situation is very hard on me. As I mentioned earlier We are not talking about anything very personal when we see each other. I have been keeping it light so to not get angry. I am definitely not okay with this. He is very aware of this because I do write him letters expressing my feelings and that I am not going to continue with this situation. He is seeing me behind her back. I want to try to get back with him but only if we can fix the things that need fixed. I need help. I have stopped seeing him several times and he is very appreciative when I let him come over again. I am still very emotional about this situation. I can stop seeing him for a time but a get very depressed thinking about our relationship being completely over and that I will never see him anymore. You see that is what will happen if he chooses to be with her. I can here you say…he is choosing to be with her. He is going to have to stop seeing her if he wants to get back with me. There is a lot of changes and healing that must take place before I will take him back. I need to start moving in the right direction. If you think it is best to just stop seeing him I can do that but frankly it is very hard on me after a month. I am going to Europe in March for 3 weeks. I was thinking now might be a good time to start some serious conversations with him. I have to be careful though because I am very sensitive now and get upset easily now. (BTW before this happened I rarely got angry him). But now the flood gates are open. Of course, when I show anger over this situation he just wants to change the subject. I was hoping to start having some serious conversations. I also am aware we may need to disconnect for awhile. I want to do what is necessary. I need your help. How do I start. Do I just come out and ask him “what are your intentions”?

Thanks for listening, Cynthia

[Cynthia B]

Hi Heidi,
Regarding the Ketamine treatment he only did one treatment. He didn’t go back for any more. Heidi, you are amazing, you are so right. He left me and went over there and started doing projects for her nonstop. We had plenty of projects at our house that needed to be done but he didn’t feel like doing them. Our house needed painted and we were waiting for winter when it would not be so hot. As soon as he left me he started painting her entire house which is much bigger than ours. It took him over a month Her pool was inoperable and disgusting so he fixed it up. He power cleaned all the black concrete. On and on. He told me there was at least a year worth of work that needed to be done. I didn’t know about the hero instinct at the time so I was completely dumbfounded over what was going on. I so wish I knew about the hero instinct before now. She definitely tap into this. I remember I kept telling him she is using him for a handyman. That if they were truly in love they would be doing things other tha fixing her house. So it is true she captured his hero instinct.
After I started to read James Bauer and Be irresistible I have started to understand. So when he does come over I try to always have something little for him to help me with and I give him a lot of appreciation.
I agree with you. If he were to come over right now and tell me he made a mistake and he loves only me and wants to come back, it would be terrible. I couldn’t do it. He would just pretend like nothing happened. I only want him back if we can fix this mess we created. We have to learn how to communicate better for one thing.
As for me, I am trying hard to build a good life with or without him. Unfortunately, it is hard. I make myself go out and socialize. I have met lots of new people. I still have my business. I take trips. I am exercising and eating healthy or at least as healthy as I want by preparing decent meals. Unfortunately I can’t get him off my mind. I still miss him.
I agree, let’s work on me first. What I want is a fresh new start with him. I accepted the marriage as it was but now I want us to be happier. In the meantime should I just continue talking with him and letting him come over?
Thank you, Cynthia

[Cynthia B]

Hello Heidi,
Thanks for responding. You are absolutely right. It is like he has his cake and eating it too. When he told me he wanted to leave me to be with her he said he didn’t love me anymore and he loved her. We were getting along fine. I thought we were both happy with our marriage. We were talking about where we could go for our 30 year anniversary. He does have depression issues off and on. He has taken medication for it at times. Occasionally he has exhibited strong obsessive behaviors. Last week I just remembered that he had a Ketamine Infusion procedure about a month before all of this happened; so he was depressed at the time. I am wondering if this procedure could have had anything to do with this not that I am making any excuses. When this happened he seemed to completely tune me out; he just wanted her. I was no help because I was soooo angry and devastated.
To answer your question as to whether we have talked about what caused this to happen. No we have not. I still love him. We have known each other since 1981. Right now it is clear we both want to keep a connection. However I want to be clear this situation is NOT tolerable for me. I haven’t started any serious in person conversations with him yet because I was afraid I would let my emotions get the better of me. I have however written him many letters and told him This situation cannot continue. So he knows this will not continue.
Since we are now on talking terms it is time to find out what is going on here. To give you more insight He is an introvert I am an extrovert. We spent a lot of time together. He liked to cook. We would go to the gym together, go bike riding, walks in the park and go out to eat and other things. He doesn’t like to socialize much because of anxiety issues.
What he is dealing with now with his new girlfriend is so unlike him. Her 28 year son and 24 year old son and her 92 year old mother in law lives with her. He cannot live there so he leaves to sleep at a hotel. One of her sons has a drinking problem and the other one has depression issues.
I want to know if there is a chance for us to get back together. Do I just ask him this? And if he says no then I will end all communication. If he says maybe or yes then how do I handle it? He knows I am a soft touch but he also knows I am strong and an independent woman with a lot to offer either him or someone else.
I agree with you he has no incentive to change things. I want to open the channels of communication and proceed accordingly. I know this going to be a hard road to go down. I need help in knowing how to best move this situation.
BTW he is not a womanizer. I never worried when I went out of town without him. We both trusted each other. I wish I knew why this happened.
Hope to here from you. Thanks, Cynthia

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