[Cynthia B]

Hi Heidi,
Thanks for responding. It helped me. I was asking the question because I was writing my letter to tell him I could not see him anymore. I said pretty much what you suggested in the very beginning as to what to say to end it. I did add a few things and did say I did not want to lose my self esteem and self respect. I told him I knew it would be hard for both of us but that we will be okay eventually. Time heals. I thanked him for all the good times and said goodbye.
I had texted him Monday when he said he couldn’t come in the Morning (it was Presidents Day). So when he called Monday night I told him I didn’t want to talk. I then texted this: I know I was not the one you wanted to share your day with. He said: I had to repair a water pipe that was soaking drywall next to it. Loads of fun. Pinhole leak. I said: And you will be there again tomorrow 419 days in a row without missing. You have a right to do whatever pleases you. I bought you something and there are some more replies regarding the boat on my Facebook to show you so you can come over tomorrow if you want. But we need to stop this. My stomach is in knots and I have a huge headache. Let me know if you are coming so I can get sausage out of freezer. He said: yes see you in the morning. That was end of texts
So he came in the morning. Nothing was said about not seeing each other but we did have a good morning. I gave him a spin mop that I found on sale because he had commented how expensive they were. He liked the gift.
So he was told again it had to end. Then tonight I emailed him a letter to tell him we could not see each other any more. He had not read the letter when he called tonight and I did not answer. But I’m sure he has read it by now. So it is done. I just need to be deligent to make sure he does not try to see me. I forgot to tell him that if we had any business to take care of we should do it by email. So I need to do that so he doesn’t try to call me.
I feel fine for now. I am relieved. I will be busy getting my business caught up before my 3 week trip. I talked to my friend in Germany today. We are excited for our pending trip.
I am keeping busy. I live in South Florida on east coast. I spent this weekend with a friend on the west coast of Florida. We went to a dinner theater and saw “Kinky Boots” play. It was quite entertaining. I have plenty of friends to do things with. I also have lots of me time things I want to do. So I will be fine.
I want to keep in touch so To help me keep the no contact up in case I start to miss him. I do think I will be okay. Thanks for all your support. Cynthia

[Cynthia B]

Hi Heidi,
In reading James Bauer books he talks about the importance of a man feeling respected. On that note I would like to ask you this. He is seeing me behind her back. This makes me feel disrespected. If I tell him I feel disrespected will it resignate with him or will it have a negative affect? I would love your thoughts on this. Thanks, Cynthia

[Cynthia B]

Heidi,
Thank you. I know I have to end it because he won’t. If I am not going to see him I want to feel free to start a new life. I am social and out going. He is not. He says he has social anxiety so we never socialized much. I changed for him and I was okay with that because I have a big family and a business that kept me active. He was fine with family. Now that He has left me alone I am becoming my old self again. The bad part is our connection is more valuable to me than having a Social life. I know I will be okay though. I love having me time. I am also happy to spend lots of time just with myself. I don’t feel lonely. I have plenty of friends and family. I have to keep saying to myself “Just do it” and it will be okay. Thanks again for your valuable advice. Cynthia

[Cynthia B]

Heidi,
Thanks for thoughts in this matter. I will revisit this.
Right now I am not happy with how he is handling what I said. I know he heard me but I don’t know if he intends to take any action or if is is just going to make me cut it off. He called me over the weekend when He wasn’t at her house and he came over this morning to see me and have lunch the same as if I hadn’t had the conversation. Maybe he is getting his ducks in a row to leave her but maybe not. I’m not happy about this. Since he now knows I am going to shut the door and end all communication And if he is thinking of getting back together I was hoping or even expecting him to tell me he doesn’t want to lose me and he is taking steps to end it with her. But he is not saying anything. How do I feel? I think I am being over generous in even giving him a chance to get back together. (It is hard on both of us to end things after all these years I know but I am at the end of my rope) what do I want to say to him? This is what I want to say to him:
“You have been with her everyday for over 400 days and it is more than enough time to know whether you made a mistake in leaving me for her. If you are not willing to leave her then we should cut off all communication and end things for good. Just so you know how I feel it is extremely important to me that if you want to get together that you are in it 100% and not anything less. If you are not sure 100% you want me then I am not interested in persuing things any further. This experience has been extremely emotional and taxing on me. I lost my best friend and my husband. If you want back with me you will have to end it permanently with her and that means no conversations what’s so ever. If you are not sure if you want to get back together then we should end things now because if you are not in this 100% it will not work. No matter what I am thankful for the 30 years we had together”

There is something else I would like to say but I’m pretty sure you would say not to include it. But just so you know what it is here goes:
” you come to see me everyday of the work week without a word as to what your intentions are. I think it is cruel”.
Anyway, I needed to get this off my chest. I suspect you will tell me not a good idea to send or to say but I am always interested in your thoughts. I am learning however slowly. Cynthia

[Cynthia B]

Hi Heidi,
Yes that is a great idea and so true. How things were obviously doesn’t work considering what happened. We both will need to put the effort into fixing what needs to be fixed. Also, if he does want to come back there is going to be a trust issue that I am going to need to figure out how to handle. He was seeing me without her knowledge. Will he see her without my knowledge. I don’t know how to handle this just yet. I don’t want to question him all the time but on the other hand I don’t want to ignore this possibility with no questions asked. This is an issue. I know this is premature but it is something that needs to be handled right up front don’t you think? Do you have any ideas and/or suggestions?
In the meantime I am proceeding with my life and keeping busy. Thank you again for all the help and support. You are so instrumental with my progress. 🙂 Cynthia

[Cynthia B]

Hi Heidi and Kanya,
Well I decided to take a partial step. This is what I did this morning. I told him I still Loved him but I am not going to be able to continue like this with him see both of us. I can’t continue seeing you unless you end it completely with her. Dealing with this situation as it is is very hurtful. I am being put into the situation of being the “other woman” after being your wife for 30 years. I can’t do this; it makes me feel dirty. You do understand I cannot keep doing this? (He said yes he knows) (I said) I think you already know or have a pretty good idea of what you want. (He) You do? (Me) yes and it hurts me that I’m kept in the dark. I’m having a conversation now so we both are clear that this situation is going to have to end soon instead of ending our meetings abruptly. He said Well I have to go, I will see you. We hugged and he left.
So basically he said almost nothing. He did call me a short time later. He asked if I was seeing anyone. I said no l’m not. He said don’t worry everything will be alright—I will call you a little later.
I feel much better now. I will be able to end things much easier if that is what needs to happen. I’m glad I let him know what to expect. I will stop seeing him before I leave on my trip to Egypt and Europe if he doesn’t end it with her before then. That will give me a three to four week start. I will then be really busy catching up with work when I get back. It will be hard and I know I will miss him but being away and busy will help me get through it.
If by chance we do start to reconcile that will be a different issue to deal with.
I know I didn’t do the immediate no contact and just a warning but it felt more like me to handle it this way. He is on notice as least. As always I appreciate your input. Cynthia

[Cynthia B]

Heidi,
Thank you, very good advice. I know everyone is different but do you have a guess as to about how long the no contact takes? I would appreciate your thought on this. Thanks, Cynthia

[Cynthia B]

Hi Heidi,
You are right. This is so hard. I know I am waffling but When I do this I want to make sure in my head I did and said pretty much everything I wanted to in case he ultimately chooses not to come back. I don’t want regrets. I want to know I did whatever I could to give us the opportunity to to get back together if he realizes he made a mistake. I think he knows what he wants to do but he doesn’t want to take the steps necessary for whichever choice he wants. He knows he is going to loose one of us. He has all of his belongings in storage and only has some clothes and necessities with him. He is not going to live like this forever.
When I asked him today what he was going to do he said he thought he would make a list of what he needs to do on the sailboat. This is a good thing. We had discussed this would be The best thing to do so he can prioritize all the projects. You see he and I bought the boat so to travel to other countries. He grew up on the water and is a very good sailor. Unfortunately our boat got damaged in a hurricane so it delayed our plans and of course all the additional cost is an issue. He has given the boat very little attention because he has been spending all of his time fixing her house. I get the impression she is not really that interested in the boat. With all her family ties and responsibilities I can’t see her leaving for months or longer to live on a sailboat and travel. The boat is a large boat built for circumnavigating. It is too expensive to keep if you are not going to use it as intended. He had already repaired the damage before this happened so there isn’t too awful much to do to make it ready to travel. He is not talking about selling it, so that is good.
I have been thinking of doing the no contact talk on Valentines Day assuming he doesn’t do something special for me. I know he is not going to ignore her on Valentines Day. If he doesn’t give me something it will give me a good reason to end it. It will be more natural instead of ending it we abruptly. I know I do not need this reason because the fact he is seeing her is reason enough. It just might make it easier. At least if he doesn’t get me anything it will help me realize things are not good. Of course, what if he is responsive to me on Valentines Day? Well at least I will feel like he cares and we may have a chance. I know I will still have to do the no contact but I will wait a week and do it then. No matter what, I want to do it before I go on my three week vacation to Egypt and Europe in March. If it is going to end for good this will be the best time ( a couple weeks before I leave when I will be very busy getting ready for the trip and then 3 weeks on the trip.). This should be enough time for him to miss me and realize he is going to lose me if he doesn’t leave her. And for me I will have broken the habit of talking to him and seeing him.
I want to start working on what to say to end contact. I still may end it sooner than Valentines Day if I can. I have already come close to doing the no contact but it is when I am in a dark place and I do not want to do it then because I might get off topic and mess it up. I value your input as always. What are your thoughts? Cynthia

[Cynthia B]

PS: Would it be okay for me to tell him by phone instead of in person that I am ending all contact?

[Cynthia B]

Hi Heidi,
I think you misunderstood. He calls me morning and night on weekends too. My intention is to STOP talking with him during the week end. I fully intend to end all contact and soon. Even though he is the one who did this and HE did wrong for some reason I feel bad because I handled it so poorly. Your words are sinking in. I know what you are saying. You are right. He already knows my worth. He already knows how lucky he was to have me for thirty years. You should have seen his face light up when he said we had a good marriage.
I know this is silly but I think another part of my hesitation is because I know it is going to hurt him when I do this and I don’t want to hurt him. But I know it is for the best.
To be honest I feel like I am at a crossroad. I feel like I am at a halfway point. It feels as if trying to work it out to get back with him will be just as hard as accepting my new life without him. Does that make any sense?
Right now I feel like I am in an airplane with a parachute and I have to jump out. What’s that saying “Just do it!”
Thanks for all your thoughts. I truly appreciate the help. Have a nice evening, Cynthia

[Cynthia B]

Thanks for your insightful feedback. I am clear that this situation is not okay. I just want to have a little time with him to allow some communication and also let him feel that I have not completely closed the door. As I said before, I let him know what I am doing and it bothers him knowing I am meeting men and doing things but he knows He has no right to try to stop me. I know it makes him uneasy. I have not started to date yet and he knows this. I don’t feel emotionally ready for that yet. However I feel in my rights to do so should I want. So to be clear I Feel certain I will have to do the no contact but I want to have a little more time so he can see the possibilities first and really understand what he is giving up.
There is something I am thinking of doing though. You see what is happening now is he calls me every morning and every evening unless I text to tell him I don’t want to talk or wait for his call which I do occasionally so he doesn’t take me for granted. And he comes to see me most days during the week in the morning or early afternoon. Because she is home on the weekends we do not see each other. This whole situation bothers me but the weekends bother me most. So I’m thinking of telling him we need to not talk on the phone during the weekend because it upsets me knowing he is not willing to spend anytime with me on the weekends. I think this will help me with moving on if we do not get back together. I think it will also help him to understand that he is going to have to make a decision…it is me or her not both.
We can still communicate and see each other during the week for a little while longer as long as I feel we are making some progress. What do you think? If so, your thoughts on how I should tell him?
I have some thoughts with what might be going on there but will share another time. Thanks again for all your input.

[Cynthia B]

Hi Kanya and Heidi,
I went to the meet up. It was a house party. A lot of people attended. There was at least 30 people there of all ages. They were friendly and the host made me feel welcomed. It was a good experience. My ex knows I am doing things and being social. He doesn’t like it but he knows he has to accept it as long as he is with her and we have no commitment with each other.

It upsets me when I think of of him being so happy to do all the work she wanted him to do. Anyway I looked up some information on couples that are both first born (oldest). You see both of us are the oldest. I was from a large family so I spent a lot of my young years helping to take care of the younger siblings and helping with cleaning and cooking. I remember having baskets of ironing to do. Back then everything you wore needed ironed. I had a happy childhood none the less but looking back I took on a lot of responsibility even though I never realized it. My husband is also the oldest. The woman he left me for is the baby of her family. This may have something to do with why he was so eager to help her. What are your thoughts on this? Are you familiar with books or articles that could help me understand the dynamics and/or impact this could have on our situation?

He came over this morning and we took our first baby step. I said: I thought we had a good marriage. He said: I agree, we did have a good marriage. I said: knowing we are both the jealous type, Wasnt it amazing we never Had any problem over be jealous through our whole 30 year marriage. He said: You are right that’s actually true, That is amazing.
That was it. We didn’t elaborate any further. But I know it made us feel better. Any thoughts?

[Cynthia B]

Thanks Heidi, I will incorporate your ideas. I did read Men are from Mars….. book it seems eons ago. I didn’t think I had issues then so didn’t take it to heart. I do however remember I loved the analogy of the the princess in the window calling for help and the Knight came to rescue her and after awhile she started to give him directions as to how to rescue her. I laugh every time I think of this because it is so true. I have caught myself doing this but I try to hold my tongue now. I should read it again.
On a different note this morning I decided to look up meetup.com to see what it was about. I joined and I am going to a Creature Feature Party at a home just down the streeet from where I live. They are playing a 1957 movie called “The Black Scorpion”. Around 30 people will be there. Most of the people will be younger (I’m 68) it should be fun.
If I have to be single I need to do different things. I am not the type of person to shrivel and die. I love being adventurous. I’ll let you know how it goes tonight.
Thanks so for all your wonderful advise. Cynthia

[Cynthia B]

Hi Heidi,
I have been reading Helen Fisher’s book Anatmmy of Love. I’m about half way through it. It is very insightful. I have been busy with work also; hence with the delay in reaching back out to you.
I am so thankful that you pointed out if I asked him if he was going to leave her; this would be handing him my personal power. This is something I definitely do not want to do. I have spent this week thinking about telling him I cannot see him anymore unless he stops seeing her. I am capable of doing this but I keep holding back because I want to at least talk and communicate more as to my feelings and what I want. You see I’m not positive but I suspect he knows or thinks he knows what he wants to do or wants to happen. The problem is “I” don’t know. Before I stop seeing him I want to communicate some things to him first. I definitely want to keep my personal power in the process. I am hoping you will help in this process. If you disagree with what I want to do or say please let me know. Before I tell you what I want to say to him I would like to give you an insight regarding what was going on before this happened. He is not working. We had several things that needed fixed. He is very handy and can figure out how to do most anything but he didn’t want to. He would say he would do it when he was ready. So as an example the dishwasher needed fixed but he left it in disrepair for months so we both just hand washed the dishes. I still have my business and am able to work mainly at home so I could call a repair man but they are expensive and we are not rich. Mind you this is not something we fought about because I just accepted it and hoped he would feel up to fixing it. He is capable of being very helpful and has done a lot off and on in the past. He renovated our entire house years ago. So he gets together with her and has been fixing everything in her large home. He is gladly doing this for her. There is no way I will be able to accept him waiting months to fix things that break down knowing he jumped through hoops to fix her things and it isn’t even his house. I know “the Hero instinct”.
I want to communicate to him that if we are going to get back together I am not willing to settle for less than he was willing to give her. I don’t need to say this to him like that but I do need to find a way to communicate this because I already know this is an issue with me. I am angry that he has wasted all this energy on her when so much needed done here.
He has done everything he can to win her over but he might be realizing now that it is not going to work out the way he wants it to. It is possible he is waiting for me to ask him to come back. It is possible that he would be okay with starting back where we left off. This will not work for me. I would like to communicate if I were to take him back we would have to fix somethings. I would also like to say that I thought we had a good marriage but now that is not good enough for me anymore. I now want an amazing relationship / marriage. I don’t want to rattle off to a long list of what I want from him but I do want to communicate that I want a change for the better. One of our main issues is communicating when there is a problem. I think with some of the techniques out there we could learn how to do this.
What I am thinking of doing is to bring up a subject from our past that I felt I didn’t handle very well and didn’t take in account of his feelings. Or maybe my first conversation should be telling him how lucky We were to have so many happy times / special moments over the past 30 years.
He knows I am not going to participate in this arrangement long term. He knows I am an independent woman. We are both holding our cards tight to our chests now. I want to have some real communication first.
What do you think? Any do’s and don’t to keep my personal power? As always I look forward to hearing what you and Kanya have to say.

[Cynthia B]

Heidi, I just read your response. I am so grateful for this guidance. I am working right now so I do not have time to respond to everything but I will respond fully a little later. I just wanted to acknowledge your reply and say you are so dead on! Talk again soon. Cynthia

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