[Cynthia B]

Heidi,
We are divorced. I had to because he was living with me but going there in the morning and staying until late at night. I couldn’t handle it and the only way I could get him to leave was to get the divorce. The day after divorce I was in the hospital and dealing with cancer. I would not have anything to with him during this time about 5 months. Then very little contact until the fall.
Then all this mess. I wanted to give us a chance for reconciliation but it is becoming too hard. I will take you words to heart. I know I am coming to an end with this. I will be in touch. Cynthia

[Cynthia B]

Hi Heidi,
Hope all is well with you and your family and friends during this crazy and uncertain time. I have just been trying to adjust to all of what is going on.
I had several conversations with my ex. He finally started to open up and say some of the things he needed to say, like I am so sorry for what I did. You didnt deserve any of this. I want to make this up to you. He told me he was quietly moving things out of her house. I think most everything is out. His plan was to hook up his dingy to his truck, tell her he was leaving, and leave. It has been a couple of weeks without him taking this last final step. When I ask him about this he just keeps say soon. I haven’t seen him in over a month. Now that she is home he has no time for me except to call me while he drives to her house in the morning (he has to abruptly get off the phone because he has arrived at her house)and to call me as he drives home when he is tired and ready to go to bed.
You and I both know I cannot use the no contact anymore. Especially now that he knows I am shut up in my house so he doesn’t think there is any risk of me meeting anyone. At least this is what I think. Maybe I am wrong but it doesn’t matter to me anymore if I am wrong. Even if I am the love of his life as he says. He is not treating me like the love of his life. It is true we have so much history. We both love each other and Except for cheating we are very compatible. Even though this is all true it doesn’t mean I should have to endure this situation for as long as it takes. Frankly if I didn’t care for him it would not bother me if he was there instead of with me. I am making no apologies for caring but there is a time and limit for what I am willing to do. The fact of the matter is I have spent the last 450 plus days adjusting to a new life and accepting this new and different future for me. There are lots of things I like about my new single life. I know I will be okay and happy on my own and if I meet someone that I want to be with sometime down the road that is okay too.
Doing the no contact did get his attention but he keeps back tracking. If I were to end things again he would eventually beg to come back and agree to my terms and then not follow through.
There is one thing I can do and that I know I can follow through with 100% certainty. It is to give him not just a warning but a final warning. I much rather accept the loss and move on with my life without him than to continue with this situation. This is not the first time I have been devastated in a relationship. I had someone who I left because he was cheating and he wrote me love letters for 5 years saying he made a mistake and wanted me back but I never responded. I am older and have a much longer history now.
This is what I want to say:
I have tried being understanding because it is important to me you come back with me because I am the one you truly want to share your life with. Right now we are not sharing our lives together we are just sharing a memory of a previous life. I cannot continue like this. If you can’t leave her I accept your decision. I am unwilling to share a man whether it be with you or anyone else for that matter. I know I keep telling you your actions are what really counts not your words. Frankly I am doing the same thing as you. I keep telling you I am not going to see you (which I haven’t for more than a month but that is your choice) nor am I going to talk to you or text you or write but I am still doing these things. You say you are going to leave her so we can be together again but you don’t leave. I say I will stop talking to you but I don’t. Right now neither one of us are taking responsibility for our actions. This isn’t me, this isn’t how I want to live my life. If you are able to leave her completely before Easter I will happily welcome you in my life to work on getting our lives back together as a couple. However, if you cannot bring yourself to do this I cannot leave the door open any longer. This means if you knock on my door I will not open my door. If you call I will not answer your calls. I will only email you if there is a business matter to handle. I told you I was unwilling to go from being your wife for 30 years to becoming the other woman. But that is exactly what I have become. But no longer, it will be over.
Heidi, I KNOW if I tell him this whether it be verbally or in a letter I WILL stand by my words no matter what. This is how I can do this. If he doesn’t come back I will be resolved in my decision. It will finally be over. I can’t look at this as a no contact anymore. I am unwilling to deal with this any longer. If he doesn’t come back to me in 10 days it will be okay. I cannot move on unless I close the door without the possibility of reconnecting.
If you think I am totally wrong in wanting to do this in this manner please tell me. I will listen even though I feel strongly about this. Cynthia

[Cynthia B]

Thank you Heidi,
I get what you are saying. And you are so right. Actually I am feeling this too. The reality of getting back with him or not getting back with him is starting to blur. I May be choosing a harder road getting back together. I will try to be more aware of me. I have a lot to think about. Thanks for all your help. Cynthia

[Cynthia B]

Hi Kanya,
No I think you have me confused with someone else. He is with her. He is at her house all the time except he sleeps at his efficiency then goes back. He is there even when she works. Of course she will not be working now because of the coronavirus.
How are you and Heidi doing? I don’t know what country you live in. Are you being impacted over the virus? Be safe. Cynthia

[Cynthia B]

Thank you so much. Instead of my trip I have this situation to deal with. On Friday I wrote him this letter hand written:
This situation we are in does not feel right. There is something wrong. I feel it in my gut and in my heart.
I know I keep telling you how many days you have been with her without missing a day (444 days now). It may seem I am jealous but I am not. For me this is not a healthy relationship. What I don’t understand and is bothering me is why is this okay with you? Maybe I shouldn’t judge but it is not the kind of relationship I want. I will say you are definitely committed to her. It is as if you are trying to prove yourself. Look at what you have done so far. You left me, the woman you love and ended a 30 year marriage so you could be with her. You have gone out of your way to fix everything needs fixing for her. You do errands everyday and not just for her but for her entire family. You spent money you couldn’t afford filling up your credit cards to a point of financial distress. (I doubt she knows this). You stopped taking care of yourself by not exercising and not eating right so you could spend all of your time taking care of her needs. What about you??? Maybe she is doing things for you too and I just don’t know about all of the generosity she has bestowed on you. That is possible.
I am tired of feeling like I am trying to get you to come back. I am better off being alone and keeping my self respect.
The man I used to know would be showing remorse and saying he made a mistake. He would say, I did’t deserve any of this and he will make it up to me. He would say if you want me to leave her today I will end it today.
You sacrificed so much to be with her. I don’t want you to sacrifice anything to be with me. I want us to be together because there is no other person we rather be with. We both know if this was the case you would walk away from her without looking back and nothing would stop you from doing this.
Yes we both love each other but that doesn’t mean it is right for us to get back together. I am emotionally exhausted. Actions speak much truer than words. I accept this and am willing to move on. You should do the same. Love Cynthia

I drove down to drop it off Friday night after I spent the evening at the sail club. His truck wasn’t there but I knew he was due to be home, I wanted to see him and give him the letter. I waited 15 minute or so The then put the letter under a rug and let. I called him when I got home to let him know there was a letter. ( He thought I just wrote a note to him saying I was sorry I missed catching him home). He was so disappointed we missed each other. He started to talk to me about how he missed being with me and watching movies together at night. He said if I needed quarantined he will be there for me. We talked about the stock market plummeting, and he said he would research a some of the companies we were interested in so I could chose the best one or ones to invest. ( He is much better at that). He was so sweet. It was like how he used to be. Talked for over an hour and a half. Laughing and having a good time. Then said goodnight. When he hung up he then read me dear John letter. He called right back. He said I thought you came to see me. I said I told you I left you a letter. You could tell his disappointment. He said we can’t go anywhere now. I hesitated not understanding what he meant by that and then said we can go on the boat. He said yes. He said I will get back with you. That was Friday and I haven’t heard a thing from him since then.

This is an unprecedented time with this corona virus. I don’t see how I can take him back if he stays with her through this disaster. She is a school teacher a will not be working until this is over. This is something that will be talked about for many years to come. If he is willing go through this disaster and leave me to cope by myself I will never forget this. if we did get back together, It will always be a reminder of who he was with during this turbulent time. It is a once in a lifetime situation and I cannot imagine me having that horrible gut feeling he chose to be with her during this disaster coronavirus and this hurt for the rest of my life whenever someone talks about it. The coronavirus will be talked about through out the rest of out lives and every time someone mentions it it will leave a wrenching feeling in my gut being reminded of this horrible time when he was with another woman. This feels like a deal breaker for me. I do not know how I can take him back if he stays with her during this crisis. This feels extremely hurtful to me. Is it wrong for me to feel this way? Cynthia

[Cynthia B]

Heidi,
I get what you are saying. I’m not the best at expressing myself. I feel what you are saying. Yes I want him back but not like this. I FEEL like something is wrong. I’m not sure How to let him know this isn’t acceptable. Should I tell him I don’t feel good about him coming back? Should I tell him I don’t feel Loved? Should I tell him the idea of it being such a struggle for him to leave her makes me feel bad and that it doesnt feel right for me and that I would rather be without him than to lose my self respect? Should I tell him I deserve more than he is willing or able to give and that it is no ones fault it is just what it is? Should I tell him I don’t want to get back together? I don’t know how to say it. Cynthia

[Cynthia B]

Heidi,
I was suppose to fly out today. All hell broke loose yesterday and I had to cancel the trip. I tried to go. I was packed and ready to leave for the airport when I found out the Egypt cruise may cancel. We had already changed our Italy plans and we’re going to go to Prague instead which I was happy about since it too was on my bucket list. It was too risky to leave so I had to cancel all plans. Things happen. Of course I am disappointed.
What I am not okay with is the situation with my ex husband. He knows he has to end it completely with her. He came over to say good bye and wish me well on trip. I told him if he wanted to work on us getting back together he had to end it with her by the time I got back from my trip. If he doesn’t then it is telling me there is something wrong and we should end it. He said he would do it. Well now I am not going on the trip. I called him to let him know I wasn’t going. I know I shouldn’t have done this but I pressured him about leaving her. He came to me and said he wanted back with me and would leave her. Now he knows or thinks he knows I am open to get back and now there is no urgency. He actually said He won’t contact me anymore until He leaves her.
I feel He now has acquired the upper hand.. I am so upset. It isn’t just this it is also that I feel like I’m second choice. I told him every day he stays with her he is choosing her over me and that I deserve better. Heidi, I know I can’t demand he leaves her right now but I can’t deal with this anymore. I want off this roller coaster. His words and his actions are not the same. It has been two weeks since he asked to have me back in his life but he still hasn’t left her. (by the way I told him he should have never asked to get back together if he wasn’t willing to leave her). Sorry about rambling but I am so upset. He now has control because he is self inflicting the no contact. He didn’t do this to be clever he did it so he could take however much time he wanted.( also I want to tell him it took him 1 night to tell me he wanted her and he went to her house the next day and has been there everyday since. There is a part of me that is feeling used. Something is wrong. He says things are a mess over there but he is not leaving. He is just saying he is going to leave and end it for good; these are just his words with no real action. If I can’t find away to get back in the drivers seat I think I rather end it.
Cynthia

[Cynthia B]

Hi Heidi,
Your response was a lot of help. Yesterday afternoon I saw a text from him he send at 4am. It said he was worried about me traveling overseas with the virus thing going on. I responded I should be okay. If he asks again to take me to the airport I think I will let him. I know he will feel out of sorts knowing I am so far away and having no idea what is going on. I will take your advice to heart. Cynthia

[Cynthia B]

Heidi,
I also want to communicate this. Even though I am moving on with my life I feel held back because of the possibility of us getting back together. I go out have fun keep busy and am generally happy. But even though I am being active and social I much rather live my life having the connection I built with my husband. So because of this I can’t fully move on in my head. What I am doing now is satisfying but it doesn’t compare to sharing my life with him. So in my head I will still choose him and it keeps me from truly accepting the loss and moving on. What I feel like telling him sometime soon is that even though I love him and want a reconciliation it is not good for me and I cant leave the door open much longer. I have to take care of my well being. Things happen for a reason. Maybe the timing isn’t right for you to leave her and the timing isn’t right for me to keep open the possibility of us working things out. Maybe it just isn’t meant to be.
Anyway I just wanted to share this because I am hurting right now. Cynthia

[Cynthia B]

Hi Heidi,
Thank you for your insights. Actually during our married life he had more say so or control of how we lived together at home. I let him live like he wanted. He instigated our biking and working out and I joined him. He didn’t like socializing much and I let him have his way. So our world became smaller and smaller. It eventually became mainly just us. I just accepted it. So he goes there and people are coming and going and having a lot of interaction. He feels alive again so I guess. Now that I am on my own I am back being socially active. I belong to several groups. I have made a lot of new friends and am spending more time with old friends. I am not interested in having things the way they were. When I said he doesn’t expect to stay in the efficiency long it is because I suggested he more somewhere closer to where I live and closer to the sailboat. I agree there are a lot of changes that need to happen. I am in no hurry for him to move back in. We can work on fixing things while at the same time dating and going places and having fun. I want to suggest he see someone or even we can both go to get some help. I don’t think he will do it but I will try to make my case for it. Our world needs to get bigger. I think he should volunteer somewhere. This will help him feel good without eventually feeling like he is being used. Of course this is if he decides to leave her. Remember he said he was PROBABLY going to leave her. I am not going to contact him before I leave. If he doesn’t contact me I will feel more free to interact with a man should any show an interest. For now I am very busy getting everything caught up before I leave. Thanks again for everything.. Cynthia

[Cynthia B]

Hi Kanya and Heidi,

Thanks for responding. I have not contacted him nor seen him since Saturaday morning. And he has not contacted me. If he does leave her I’m sure it will have to be after his mail address is changed. He had to prove how committed he was to her so he did a change of address to her address. So all of his mail goes to her address even though he has never lived there. If or when he does a change of address it will take 2 weeks for the post office to stop sending mail to her address. I feel certain he will not leave her until this happens. I don’t know what address he will change it to. It will be my address or the efficiency address. He may choose to use my address since he doesnt expect to stay at the efficiency very long.
When we talked on Thursday he said he wanted to take me to the airport. I told him he couldn’t do it because I am leaving in the evening and he has to be with her. He said he doesn’t care when it is he can take me. I never responded after that. He may try to reach me to ask to take me to the airport. I should say no, right?
I am disappointed. He has to know I could meet someone at anytime. If it were me in this situation I would at least be letting him know I am in the process of taking the necessary steps to leave.
I think he will try to contact me before I leave on my trip. I hope I handle it right when he does. Thanks for listening. Cynthia

[Cynthia B]

Hi Heidi,
Well Thursday he knocked on my door. I let him in but asked why he came over. ” I don’ t want to see you if you are with her. You can’t come over. I mean it”. He said he wanted to talk. I said are you leaving her? He said things are not going well over there. I had a lunch reservation with a friend so I said I didn’t have time to talk. He asked to see me Friday to talk about it. So I said okay.
So Friday comes. He said he wants me in his life. I said I will not be in his life if he chooses to have anything to do with her or her family. He asked me how will it work if He leaves her. I said you can’t move in with me now because we need to work on our relationship and I need to fully trust that you will not call her, see her or have anything to do with her or her family. I said right now I don’t trust you will do this. He said he will end it and you don’t have to worry she won’t have anything to do with me if I do this. She doesn’t like to talk on the phone. I said well she liked to talk on the phone with you EVERYDAY while she drove to work when you set your alarm every morning to call her. She didn’t care that we were married. So I don’t believe that she won’t talk to you. She has depended on you to do all this work for her and I think she will still try to get you to help her whether you are with her or not. He said I will end it completely. We got off topic here and there but hear are a few things he did say that I remember and I would like to know what you think. He said she won’t go anywhere with me for even just a weekend. She won’t spend time at his place so they can be alone. She says it is because of her religion. They have not had sex ( if he is being truthful- I actallythink this is so because she had expressed to me years ago that she doesn’t like sex) He said that he does all this work for her and her family and they really don’t do anything for him but give him dinner. (My interjection- He pays for everything when he takes her out). He also told me he is in debt on all of his credit cards now.
I told him he could work for my company to help him get out of debt from this mess. He said he isn’t very healthy and is not sure he can do the work. I said he can do jobs that don’t require heavy lifting. I said This work would be a lot easier than painting her whole house building scaffolding, replacing doors, moving furniture, helping to install travertine floors and Of course all the daily errands she had him doing.
I am unwilling to assist him in paying any of debt he incurred. I will only let him work for me if he wants or otherwise he can find any other way.
Heidi, I’m sure you are wondering why he did this. In me analyzing her personality I can tell you this. She is a person who claims to be overwhelmed with friends and social obligations (plus her family). Her friends are always vying to spend time with her. They keep on trying to win the opportunity see her. It is still important to her to be the most popular person. I never bought into this ( I actually never thought about this back when we were friends) I would invite her and if she was busy I just said We will try another time, thus we just didn’t get together often. He told me she has not shown any interest in meeting his brothers or any of his friends. He also did not want to bring up seeing his step daughter or grand children for Christmas,so he didn’t see them. He said he thought it would cause a problem so he didn’t mention it and neither did she. I think this is why he said he did not have a good Christmas.
Let me try to explain the relationship she and my ex husband have as I understand it. He became infatuated with her and she somehow was able to make him think she is better than him. She Also was really good igniting the “Hero Instinct”. It is like he feels inadequate compared to her so he is trying to prove himself. He had to prove to her that I mean nothing to him anymore. I will give you an example so you hopefully know what I mean. In March last year (he had been with her for less than 3 months) I had to go the hospital for a biopsy. He knew about this but chose not to come. After surgery in the recovery room I had a serious complication. I had to go into emergency surgery again. He was notified of the dire situation I was in. I almost died. He did nothing. It was so important that he not let her know he had anything to do with me or even cared anything about me. He just stayed at her house and pretended nothing was going on. Only after he left her house after midnight did he text to see if I was okay. It still hurts me to think about this.
He proves everyday he is there for her. He spends all of his time doing whatever she needs and does nothing for himself. We used to go to the gym and workout. We use to go walking and riding bikes. He hasn’t exercised since he has been with her. He has blood sugar problems. He stopped checking it since he has been with her. I finally got him to check it when he was at my house and it was extremely high. He had been losing weight and now we know it is muscle loss and not fat because he is in ketosis. This is serious. At least now he has stopped eating sugar. They eat a lot of fast food and processed food. We mostly ate meals we made from scratch. I don’t think he really understands how damaging this is. He is not taking care of himself.
Regarding his financial situation he has property income he receives monthly from a business he shares with his brothers. So he has assets but not a lot of cash. I am angry that he has given this woman so much and if we get back together we will be in a much worse financial situation and this happens in our retirement years. Whether we get together or not I am much worse financially. I should be able to retire at my age but I will have to work for many years to come. I am not complaining I am very fortunate to have a business. I just wish I felt like I was doing it out of choice instead of necessity at this age.
So despite all this. He leaves with me feeling we will be able to work things out and we will eventually be back together. I am feeling good again.
He left his jacket on Friday so he had to come on Saturday to pick it up. He had to come early and couldn’t stay long because he had to get to her house first thing in the morning as always. He had to take her 28 year old son’s car to the dealership to get get a recall repair. I guess her son was too busy to do it himself. Heidi, this is not the husband I was married to.
As he left I asked him if he was leaving her and his response on Saturday was Probably. I said I won’t be seeing you anymore until you do. I am feeling used. I think Because I was willing to work on things to get back together he thinks he can take as much time as he wants to leave her. I am now unhappy. Maybe he is just motivated to come back to me only because it is not working out the way he wants it with her. What does this make me “chopped liver”? I only want him back if I am truly the love of his life. I think he felt an urgency when I started the no contact because I might meet someone and he might lose me. Now because of our conversation I think he thinks I am not going to try to meet anyone and he can take his time. I want to make it clear to him that I want to be available and willing to get involved with another man should I meet one. And that I am going out and I have no intentions of turning away a man who interests me. This is because I am not convinced you will leave her so only your actions will work not your words.
Heidi, If he hasn’t left her I want to feel available while on my three week trip. I’m sure there will be some available men on the cruise. Also my friends may introduce me to some nice men they know in Europe. It would be a shame to not take advantage of this if my ex hasn’t left her and expressed his true love for me. I am thinking I should tell him this. I still love him and he will always have a part of my heart but if there is any chance I come in second to her I do not want him anymore. I am a much better person and if he doesn’t recognize this I want to move on without him.
So I want to write him. Should I do this? If so please help me in what to say. I know this is a lot to digest. You have been so wonderful in all your suggestions and I am so appreciative. Cynthia

[Cynthia B]

Hi Heidi,
It has been almost a week. I am doing well. I am still thinking about him and everything but it isn’t upsetting me like it used to. It is a lot easier. Question: How should I handle this? Ralph texted me today and said “I miss having coffee with you”. I have not responded. Is that the best thing to do? Or should I say “I miss it too but we both have a responsibility to ourselves to do the right thing”. Seeing each other like this goes against our values.
I am thinking saying nothing is best. What do you think? Cynthia

[Cynthia B]

Heidi, oh I forgot to answer a couple of your questions. Regarding my trip. I am going on a cruise down the Nile River in Egypt for one week. Then to Munich, Germany, and then to northern Italy on Lake Garda near Verona. It should be a lot of fun! As for help to keep me from seeing my ex, I have a couple of friends I can talk with. I will also take advantage of writing to you to get past the urges. Cynthia

[Cynthia B]

Thanks so much for the kind thoughts. He did call this morning to say he was coming. I told him no and that a sent him a letter. He was silent so I told him I was sorry but I can’t do this anymore. I said I you love, Goodbye. And I hung up. I do expect him to come by the house sometime. Maybe not today but he will come with the excuse to do my landscaping or something. I am thinking of sending an email to tell him to not come over. To say that we had a nice time together yesterday and It is better to end on a good note instead of me having to turn you away. Maybe I could also tell him if he tries to come by I will not answer the door. What are your thoughts?
Right now I am not even feeling much. I think I am just so tired of having so much emotion I am drained. It will be easier to not answer his calls. But it will be harder to deal with him when he comes to the house. Thanks again, Cynthia

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