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Dear Heidi,
I just want to explain a little about where the ‘ex’ issue comes from. At the beginning we started talking about respective exes quite early on. In fact when we were staying at a hotel together, he told me couple of years ago he had been to the same hotel with his ex. And being me I questioned him more. I wish he would’ve just stopped me but he thought he was being transparent and honest so told me more than I could handle. It all started from there I guess. I felt I wasn’t special for him and that he was just with me out of routine. Now of course I realise how tough and cold he can be. At the time I didn’t realise this.
Please send me your guidance and tell me what I can do next? Is there any hope? I seem to have frozen his feelings towards me.
Thank you.
Hello Heidi,
Thanks for your message. I appreciate your feedback.
Not entirely sure where my reactions come from… I seem to have a deep seated belief that exes make up the identity of the guy I’m with. Feelings I get would be jealousy, anger and hurt leading to insecurity on my part. In fact my ex told me he thought I came across confident and didn’t realise how much reassurance I would need. Basically I want the guy to tell me I’m the most important person he’s met and all the others don’t count. I realise I asked this way too early but I want reassurance that he appreciates me and what I bring to the relationship table.
This guy has great pride, is stubborn and does a lot in life to bring respect for himself. So I think after reading and thinking about it, I must have really hurt his ego and sense of respect. He told me his feelings were ‘strongly affected’ from my behaviour when we last saw each and anything we had talked about had ‘not helped’. I tried to apologise at the time but he said ‘sorry’ doesn’t solve it. I cannot allow myself to beg nor believe that would help. Because of these painful words from him, we have not talked about the relationship since the break up (1st November). As mentioned, all contact has been via text and calls on general topics. When we last spoke he asked me how I was but of course I didn’t open up and told him I’m fine and busy with work. We live in different countries (about 2 hours plane ride) and haven’t seen each other since early October.
I am the one initiating light hearted and general contact, so I think he knows I am interested to get back together, so why isn’t he initiating some of the contact? Is it because he’s not ready or because he wants me to follow him? How can I show him I can and have changed when we don’t have contact? I have really thought about this and believe I have changed.
Thank you for your thoughts.
Hello Heidi,
I’m sensitive about exes and need reassurances. If the guy lets slip something or does something which is not good I can’t let it go. It generally turns into arguments and sours the air.
This is an issue that I am resolving myself and have learnt greatly since this last experience.
We discussed exes (more than normal) and neither of us likes staying friends with exes. Which is why I’m hopeful and optimistic in this case. But then he doesn’t initiate contact. This has been ongoing 2.5 weeks so I don’t know if I need to give him more time..
I definitely can and will improve because it will make me a better person to be with. I believe from reading the course material that he felt belittled and disrespected because of my behaviour. In the course material apparently respect rates higher for men than love. I have learnt my lesson.
Do you think I should continue initiating contact? Or should I leave him alone for now? Please note all contact is general and we have not discussed nor talked about the relationship at all.
Thank you.
