[N M]

Dear Kanya,

Happy new year.

Thank you so much for your message. A lot of what you say makes perfect sense now, how is it possible for someone to endlessly search for love when he claims he’s constantly/often in relationships and the one to leave the women with the women always wanting more. There seems to be a pattern… I should have recognised and taken this more seriously. I gathered from our later conversations that he had not found “the right one”! Clearly he sees himself as perfect and looks someone to complement that! How is it possible for him not to have matured when he’s in his 50s?!? I really agree with you that it is not possible for him to love someone in a way that he lacks the capacity to do so.

Thank you for sending the article. Actually I think all the traits were there with this guy! He was constantly talking about his interest and how busy he was.. (he was not that busy!)

I have started meditation and reciting the Ho’oponopono whenever I think of him and his conduct. In a way I’m angry I gave him a chance so quickly, usually I’m more reserved. It’s terrible to think that I told I was very sensitive and he shouldn’t get involved if there was no serious interest. I indicated I was happy to just be friends. But he was non-chalant and said he was looking for someone serious to settle down with after such a long time since his divorce. But about 2 weeks into our relationship he started commenting how he noticed ‘gorgeous’ girls and how his ex used to turn heads wherever he went. But by then I was hooked and didn’t take these as seriously as I should have in hindsight.

Anyway, I cannot turn back time. I will continue with my meditation and rebuilding my confidence. At the same time, I am careful not to come across as bitter and too hard on future men I meet. I do not want this fool to ruin my chances of ever finding happiness.

Thank you,

NM

[N M]

Dear Kanya,

Thank you for your message.

I have reserved the book you recommend. Having read quite a bit and understanding more about what has happened, I believe this guy never had any deep feelings or love for me. I now believe he had a crush which was very short lived in his case. Anyhow, I agree with you and Heidi there is no point in writing a letter email. There is no point as he wouldn’t even understand. He’s been looking for someone for over 15 years and each relationship has been a failure according to him because I think he doesn’t want to have a proper relationship. In fact he told me each time he’s the one who wants to leave and the women with him don’t want to leave. I now get it! He gives so much at the very beginning and too fast that the woman is inundated and she doesn’t realise it’s just a rush and no more. In my case it’s like being elevated to an extreme height only to come crashing down suddenly.

Next time I will take things super slowly and not get all wrapped up in the initial adrenaline rush. I don’t want quick fixes, I want a real love story to cherish.

Thank you and New Year greetings.

NM

[N M]

Dear Heidi,

Many thanks for your message. It makes a lot of sense. I think he’s incapable of dealing with any challenge that comes up in a relationship and thinks it’s better to move to another person. His life is so full work wise and his all consuming art passion that I sense all his needs are met outside of a romantic situation. What he told me he wants is for a relationship to be a cocoon where he can feel peace and nourishment. But which relationship, however ideal, has those qualities all the time? You are absolutely correct that a mature person would want to deal with challenges and try to overcome them. The ironic thing is that he appeared to be so loving and thoughtful, but I think he’s quite insecure deep down that’s why he was making comments about exes which really started me off on my own insecurities.

I listened to your advice and texted him as you suggested above after several hours of delay. He immediately read the message. His original text was with lots of emojis but of course I didn’t include any. My thinking is he didn’t even acknowledge my inviting message from before (re how I can make his favourite hot drink for him and it would be coming from my heart) so why shall I write anything heartfelt. I know you say he’s done but why do you think he’s contacting me? I know he’s a very stubborn man, he’s admitted as much himself. I’m afraid I can’t switch off my feelings and pretend I can be friends and this was the message I wanted to give him.

I completely understand what you are saying and advising me not to write an email letter, so do you think silence is better than telling him what went wrong, how he made me feel and how I cannot be pretend everything is fine and be friends?

Many thanks,

NM

[N M]

Dear Kanya,

Thank you so much for your kind message.

As mentioned, I have not experienced this level of difficulty in moving on before so that’s why I’m asking myself and experts such as you and Heidi for help. Perhaps I’m missing something and it was after all my fault that this guy decided to break up with me and relatively so soon after first getting together (2.5 months). I wanted to know if there was anything I could possibly do to reverse this. It seems there isn’t anything I can do. I tried the rewrite method manual advice and texted him general stuff but it appeared that he didn’t want to initiate contact unless I wrote to him first. I have just received a text from him, after I listened to your advice and didn’t contact him, with festive season wishes for me and family. It’s bizarre why he wants to remain friends when he told me he doesn’t stay friends with exes. Perhaps it’s because he realises that he broke up with me when the last time we met he was invited for dinner by my mother so it’s a way for him to appear like the ‘good guy’ as if he has done nothing wrong at all only his feelings for me changed… I once read that if someone is not angry and instead shows apathy that means he doesn’t have feelings for you. I think he may be like that or showing himself to be moving on. I really don’t know anymore. I don’t want to give him the pleasure that I’m fine and happy with him. I am angry at him and upset why he chose to get involved when I told him how vulnerable I was and what a long time it was I hadn’t been in a relationship. I understand your advice not to write an angry letter that’s ok but I cannot show him I’m fine with his conduct. It’s not ok to just use and move on. This is exactly how I feel. Please advise what I should do now after his text?

I’m trying to move on but it’s not easy. I go out and socialise but cannot forget. I try to forgive but it’s painful and even more so because it seems he has moved on and for all I know could be seeing someone else now. I really don’t know as he doesn’t have social media (thank God) and we don’t have mutual close friends.

Sorry to trouble you during this festive season.

Wishing you and family a wonderful Christmas.

NM

[N M]

Hi Heidi,

Thanks very much for your message. I don’t know why he is the way he is but it seems like he’s ready to cancel plans and leave girlfriends after not much effort. He’s very concerned about his own wellbeing and welfare so will not give a chance to a woman who may jeopardise that. He told me he doesn’t need a relationship, he’s very active and busy in his life. So he’s basically very secure about himself and doesn’t feel the need to necessarily find someone if it’s not absolutely to his liking. Not sure if it’s because of his divorce or what but he seems capable of being loving one minute and as soon as he decides something that’s it, there’s no turning back for him. It’s very sad indeed. It’s interesting you say he’s in pain, he told me he wasn’t sleeping well.. And another thing I noticed was that he was quite mysterious, for example, he would delete all his old messages (which he told me was because of book keeping!) and his vanity bag would never stay in the bathroom when we stayed together in hotels, that was quite strange I thought. Sorry I digress but I thought to mention that in case there is something dodgy about him.

For some reason he has affected me and please believe me that I have not felt like this before. He was able to convince me he was a relationship type of guy just looking to find his partner to settle down. I really fell for this and believed what he told me. I realise that is very naive now to take him at his word. It felt good to be with him and to be in, what I thought to be, a loving relationship, I had really missed that after so many years since my last relationship.

I’m not a revengeful person, only that this guy broke my heart and seems like he couldn’t care less as if this is a matter of course for him. Standard practice. I have learnt my lesson. Now even if I meet anyone, I don’t want to fall for them nor be intimate with them until things are more certain and enough time has passed.

I have met some guys since our split but I somehow don’t have the connection to any of them, in fact it’s quite rare for me to have that connection with someone. I sincerely hope I can get over this guy and will succeed in finding someone worthy soon.

Thank you.

[N M]

Dear Kanya,

Thank you for your kind words.

I absolutely think he’s super focused on his own needs and that alone. When things don’t go according to how he wants then he backs off. That has become very clear now. What I find more difficult to understand is how he manages to turn off his feelings so suddenly? As if those feelings were never really there in the first place. Sad. I am relieved that this has happened now as opposed to a year from now when I could’ve been felt in much worse state. I remember he told me he was after a relationship that was a safe haven for him and that he didn’t want any complications as his life was difficult enough. But as I’m sure you know better than me everything including beautiful relations do have their difficult moments that committed people will need to go through. Unfortunately not for him. He told me if his relationship is not perfect he was not interested and will keep on looking. Hence why I think he has not remarried as I’m sure there were plenty of opportunities.

Thank you for the book recommendation, I will look into it. Perhaps a nice holiday read.

During this time I’ve only told my childhood best friend who is consoling me. Otherwise of course my mother who did not like particularly from the start.

I’m just mad that he got away with fooling me and even now thinks he’s made such a good impression. His method is coming on strong and affectionate at the beginning then backing off at the first signs of things not turning out the way he likes..

Thank you.

[N M]

Dear Heidi,

Thanks very much for your message.

I think it was breakdown of his marriage that really affected him. Apparently his wife sent him the divorce papers out of the blue. It took them 5 years to divorce! I was never clear why she acted like that, he just told me she wasn’t happy living where he was based. She remarried quite soon after the divorce and started another family. He, on the other hand, has had quite a few relationships since. In fact one thing he told me early on which really upset me was that I was very lucky to meet him when he was single. In fact he later told me this was a joke! He told me he dated a much younger woman before me and he cancelled all their plans after he ended the relationship. So he’s quite used to cancelling and moving on. Unluckily for me I’m not used to it. In fact this was my first relationship in a while. It takes me a long time to emotionally recover from relationships so I’m always hesitant. In fact I told him as much which makes this experience all the more painful.

I will later write those letters and tear them apart. I think it’s important to write my feelings and release them.

In terms of forgiving, I’ll do my best to do that. I think it’s important in the recovery stage. What I can’t forgive is my own conduct both during the relationship (asking him for validation) and afterwards (my texts and conversations were friendly as if nothing was the matter (I learnt this from the manuals)). He obviously feels great. He can get whoever he likes, dump them whenever he wants and on to the next one without any feeling of guilt or remorse. Is there any stopping him? Of course I will focus on my own healing and growth. I’m going to try very best not to let this unworthy man make me feel bad.

Thank you.

[N M]

Dear Heidi,

Thank you so much for your message.

I agree we barely had enough time to get to know one another deeply. But given his age and experience I expected more from him and never thought he would be the one telling me his feelings have changed and presenting me with no option. If it was a younger immature man then sure I would have expected something similar but not this guy. He was 15 years older than me with a 20 year old daughter. In fact during our talks I often told him to step up and be the mature one. I can’t imagine someone with a young daughter would choose to act like this with me. I understand those early feelings were fleeting if at all present in the first place but what I don’t understand is the way he handled this. He could’ve give us more chances like he asked me to at the beginning. In fact he kept telling me how compatible and great we were together. The more I think about it all it strikes me this guy is very self centred and clearly wanted to have the last word. In fact he told me all his relationships (apart from his marriage) he ended and the women were always wanting more. Unfortunately my alarm bells failed to warn me. My loss.

I was thinking of perhaps writing a letter to address my thoughts but will probably do this later on, what do you think? The disturbing thing is that when he told me his feelings had changed towards me he said it was all because of my behaviour and his conscience was all clear. I feel uncomfortable for him to get away without any feelings of remorse in how he handled everything with me.

Please let me know your thoughts.

Thank you.

[N M]

Dear Kanya,

Thank you so much for your honest advice.

I don’t understand how feelings can change so dramatically and quickly. I mean sure if it’s years I understand but we were only seeing each other since end of August and he told me he loved me at the beginning. Can strong feelings really come and go so quickly? I’m scared! He told me his feelings were strongly affected by my behaviour which I cannot begin to understand how alone they could have caused him to lose his feelings, unless those feelings were not there in the first place..

I kept the talk general in accordance with the rewrite and hero instinct manuals. So didn’t discuss the relationship at all. Do you think it would have made a difference if I had discussed this with him or he would reinforce how he doesn’t have feelings?

I will not contact him and if he does I’ll let you know. I have a feeling that he may not contact me ever again. Very sad end to something I had such high hopes for. I told him this was my first proper relationship after 6 years and can’t understand why he broke my heart like this. I gave him chances at the beginning not to pursue a romantic relationship but he insisted that we would discuss and resolve anything. I can’t trust anything or anyone anymore.

Thank you.

[N M]

Dear Heidi,

I just want to add that I do want to change for my own sake more than anything. I now realise it’s off putting to ask for reassurance from a guy and to be honest I’m embarrassed. Having thought about past experiences, read the manuals and talking about it, I’m ready to do my utmost to be a confident woman without any need for reassurance from anyone least of all from the guy I’m with. Also issue of exes I have learnt now that they are in the past and though they have an influence on the person, they’re no longer relevant to talk and think about. I will try to do my very best to get past these issues because they will make me a better person able to enjoy life to the full.

Re the guy, his texts have been so far friendly and he was even telling me he was thinking often about my mum and her hot drink recipe.. But he somehow doesn’t continue conversation nor initiate contact (apart from once last week). As mentioned, he hasn’t replied after I sent him a text that I’m glad he likes my mum’s drink and if he likes her hot drink recipe I can make for him because whatever I do I do from my heart. Do you think it’s because I said this too early? We haven’t discussed about the relationship since the split. All talk has been kept general. Do you think it could be a good idea to talk about the relationship? Perhaps the reason he’s not responding is because, as you said, he doesn’t want to walk into the same relationship momentum as before. Or shall I wait to see if I hear from him first?

Please let me know what you advise? I appreciate your honest feedback.

[N M]

Dear Heidi,

Thank you for your insightful feedback. I totally understand what you mean.

I’m working on my confidence, getting more work focused, on improving my social circle, and generally being more attractive. The reason why I would like him to give us another chance is not because I can’t find anyone else nor because of hurt ego. I truly felt we had a very special connection and cannot believe he would be ready to throw that away without looking for a possible resolution. At the beginning I was hesitant to get involved with him as it takes me a while to recover from a failed relationship but he persuaded me to give us a chance. Now why is he ready to walk away when I’m the one who is asking him to retry? That’s the hurtful part. If I had known he would disregard my feelings so and tell me that his feelings towards me ‘had been greatly affected’ I would not have agreed to go out with him. In fact he gained my trust so much so that I was intimate with him way sooner than I would otherwise. It’s breaking my heart how his feelings seem to have shifted.

As mentioned, his messages are semi friendly without any lead to something more. I wonder at times if there’s something more than meets the eye. Maybe he was lying and never had sincere feelings towards me. I cannot and will not beg him. I sent him a lead message (how I wanted to make something for him and how it would be from my heart) and he has still not replied.

Please can you let me know what you would suggest?

Thank you.

[N M]

Hi Heidi,

Thanks for your honest feedback.

I was not constantly asking for reassurance only when I was feeling insecure. But it’s funny that in previous relationships such conduct didn’t turn off the guys and in fact I was the one who broke off in both instances. Just this guy who is much older than me has split up with me. He came across as someone caring, loving and secure.

Just to back track a little, the last time we saw each other we argued but I didn’t believe it was so offending. I mean he was telling me how he wanted to plan our next get together. After the visit he was a bit cold and told me it’s better to have brief calls due to the fact that we argued if we spoke too much. That was fine with me. I was away for work so we kept in contact civilly and quite affectionately at times. He subsequently cancelled our get together due to a family issue. After my return I spoke with a girlfriend who advised me to write to him and say I wanted a proper relationship not just a telephone relationship and that he should take his time to think about what he truly wanted. At this point he told me his feelings had been ‘strongly affected’ since our last get together. I wrote back few days later saying we needed to talk but he didn’t make any contact. After few days he wrote back saying that since I didn’t have time to talk and discuss, it was best for both of us to end the relationship.

Absolutely under normal circumstances I would never text or call a guy who is not interested in me. This situation is unique and I’ve never been made to feel like this. I never imagined a guy like him would just walk away so easily. Ok I will not contact him again. I don’t know what will happen but sounds like from what you’re saying that I have no choice.

Thank you.

[N M]

Dear Kanya,

I would just like to add to my previous message that although he is perfectly polite and semi-friendly (i.e. he elaborates his answers and doesn’t just answer with one word) he doesn’t seem to want to continue our conversation on text and doesn’t really ask me questions.. When we last spoke he asked me how I was but not on text. Last time he called because I had asked his advice on something (learning from the manual). I don’t know what to do, shall I carry on or just leave it? The last text I spoke for the first time since our split about doing something from my heart for him and he hasn’t replied.

Thank you.

[N M]

Dear Kanya,

Thank you so much for your feedback.

I realise now that I have unreasonably high expectations particularly at the beginning of the relationship which can ruin anything before it has really begun. I do see that now and this has been a painful learning experience. I just wish he could see that I have repented and give us another chance. What we had felt very special and quite rare to find. We have a lot of things in common also. I know he felt it too so I’m not sure why he’s acting so cold and stubborn now.

I would say 2/3 times a week I initiate contact. Only time he initiated was last week when he texted to ask if me and family were safe after the London terrorist attack. I have something to confide: I texted him something stronger than usual today but he has yet to reply.. I really don’t know. Please advise.

Thank you.

[N M]

Dear Heidi,
Thanks very much for your honest feedback. This is an issue I will have to work on. I don’t deny that. But he told me his feelings towards me had been ‘strongly affected’ by my conduct. I’ve never had a guy tell me this. It was most painful. I asked him how could it given he loved me and told me this at the beginning. I hope and wish I could change his feelings. As mentioned, we haven’t talked about the relationship, just general talk. He called me two times asking how everything is but I didn’t dare bring up the topic. If he calls me now I might. I think over text will be difficult.
I will definitely delve deeper and try to understand where my underlying need for reassurance comes from.
But in terms of my contact with him, I initiate most of the contact with him, he responds politely but doesn’t ask a question much to prolong the conversation.. Please let me know what I can do. I’m afraid to have conversation about the relationship.

Thank you.

[Author]

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