Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Kanya,
Hope you are well. Thanks for your message.
First of all, I realised he is a dangerous narcissist and for my own sanity I should stay away. Secondly, I heard someone wise say that if a guy doesn’t choose you then he’s definitely not the right person for you.
Finally, with this pandemic I realised that every moment counts and should be cherished. In fact I wish I had not wasted the time I did on this loser guy. Anyhow cannot turn back time but can learn and move on. I’ve no idea what is next. To be honest, I’m slightly scared but am not alone and will hope for the best.
With thanks,
NM
Dear Heidi,
I hope you are keeping safe and well.
Thank you so much for your message. I was quite busy with work and other matters, these are indeed surreal times.
In the midst of thinking more clearly, I’ve decided that instead of forgiving, I am going to forget this guy and not have any reaction whatsoever. He doesn’t deserve anything. As for the ex, I didn’t feel comfortable being stalked by her so threw her out of my followers. It’s better and more healthy for me. She seems to still be in touch with him and I don’t want any element of my life to inadvertently reach his ears. It’s better this way. I want to forget. It’s clear to me he was a narcissist and that’s why I was in the state I was in back in late 2019. I have learnt my lesson and after all these last few months have really taught me life is more precious than having people who don’t deserve us.
With thanks,
NM
Hi Kanya,
Hope you are well and safe.
Thanks for your message. I just watched a TV series where the wife told her husband that she no longer had any feelings for her husband. Of course the husband tried but she wouldn’t allow any of his attempts. It struck me perhaps Heidi is right. This guy may have been similarly hurt before which has affected him like this. Either way I don’t care he behaved in an awful way particularly since he knew I was very selective towards allowing men in my life and hadn’t been in a relationship for over 6 years. Cruel and nasty.
Thank you for your support in all this. To be honest, I thought if he doesn’t want me then I certainly don’t want anything to do with him. I was just in shock that a guy of that age could be so deceptive. Shame on him.
Re the ex on social media, she’s actually on my Instagram and watches all my activity, at least through her company account. The guy only had facebook and we were not even connected on that so I can’t see how she would be able trace back to me. I haven’t blocked her yet. I’m not even certain if she knows the link. Do you think she does know? How embarrassing if so! Should I block her? I plan to hide my relation with this guy, as if I never knew him because honestly I didn’t know the real him in the end otherwise I would have been repulsed right at the start.
With thanks,
NM
Dear Heidi,
Thanks very much for your message. I hope you are keeping well and safe.
For some reason, your message slipped through and I didn’t realise you had responded. I think one of the main things I will start doing is to judge less. That’s to say, with some guys I would not give them any chance dismissing them as being too young, not serious enough etc. With this guy, as my friend said, he had brainwashed me into believing that we were perfect for each other. I mean I have no problems whatsoever if he had been honest and told me he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship, in fact I would have respected him and remained friends. It’s when someone tries it on so convincingly.. I will try to forgive but I cannot at the moment. I’m sorry. I have never met anyone so dishonest and just plain cruel as this guy.
I am taking lots of vitamins to boost my immune system given the current global pandemic, but you’re absolutely right it’s harmful to health to have negative thoughts and emotions. Unfortunately I didn’t have a chance to respond to his cutting comments at the time and that annoys me actually. He must think I’m a complete and desperate idiot!!
My aim going forward is to observe each situation and try to not be negative or positive about it, just enjoy and take little notes. Ultimately I have ways of quickly evaluating someone which is not always accurate…
BTW, what are your thoughts on the ex how is now my ‘friend’ on social media? How could she have known about me?
Many thanks as always,
NM
Hi Heidi,
It was because of your and Kanya’s advice that I woke up and stopped pursuing this guy. In fact it was you Heidi you advised me what to write when he reached out during the Christmas holidays. Since then he has gone. Thank God for that. Even though I was sad that he didn’t even have the slightest emotion to write when we bumped into each other last month, I am glad he didn’t because perhaps I would’ve slipped back into it…
He is definitely better out of my life than in it. I know that for sure but you know how we feel is different. In fact we often (me of course) create imaginary romantic scenarios with people. I definitely created these with him so you’re absolutely right Heidi. However, he did play an important part in shaping my thoughts, for example, he would say things like we are very suitable for each other in terms of age difference, background etc. I don’t know why he deceived me like this and for precisely this reason I find it v difficult to forgive him. I would never lead someone on if I didn’t have serious intentions with them.
Also incidentally, his ex girlfriend (one before me) requested to follow me on social media. I didn’t realise it was her as it was a corporate account and only when she started stalking me that I delved deeper and realised who it really was… He told me he didn’t keep friends with exes so how is it possible for this ex to find me on social media. I have private settings so without knowing my name and spelling she would never have found me… yet another lie from this guy!!
I am finding more and more things to be grateful for particularly with the current pandemic we are facing. Health of loved ones is most important.
With thanks,
NM
Hi Kanya,
Thank you for your message.
I think it’s particularly difficult this time as he was very good at understanding a person and then giving them and telling what they wanted to hear etc. He completely understood my weaknesses and sadly for me exploited them… Of course he wouldn’t have been able to without my allowing him to.
I am ready to move on and it’s definitely for the best that I do. Just that I keep thinking about him and remembering. Is that so terrible? I wish I didn’t but the truth is I do… Somehow he managed to get under my skin. I wonder if this is what he meant when he told me that none of the people he went out with wanted to end things with him it was always him…
My great wish is to forget about him and feel good about myself again. Forgive myself for my mistake in allowing this guy to abuse my trust when I know I should’ve taken more note of the red flags and taken things slowly. I’m not sure what I can do to achieve this…
With thanks,
NM
p.s. I am sorry for the typos in the message just sent. I meant “This was when I told him I had to get off the phone after he told me of his exciting plans with his daughter and friends…”
“I will certainly NOT acknowledge him.” He’s a stranger and will always been a stranger because the guy he was pretending to be doesn’t exist.Dear Kanya, dear Heidi,
Many thanks for your messages.
There are days I keep doubting and blaming myself for not making this relationship work but I am lucky to have my mother who keeps pointing out that he checked out of the relationship very early on and blamed me for it. This was I told me I had to go after he told me of his exciting plans with his daughter and friends without asking me to join in his plans when I had just put aside my plans to accommodate him paying me a surprise visit (of course I understand now that it was my fault to prioritise him). Also he told me there was a gorgeous woman at the pool he was training at who had a horrible and ugly husband. How was I supposed to feel! I cannot understand why he would speak like this with me when I put aside my work and my existing plans for him…
Of course I realise now that he had no long / medium term plans with me and it was all a charade. In a way I’m glad it ended before people noticed and things got more serious. But I’m afraid I have got quite hurt. When someone betrays your feelings and behaves in a way totally unexpected it somehow leaves you empty and unable to trust yourself. I don’t want to admit I have been intimate with this guy to anyone, at least I want control over that and if I bump into him again I will certainly acknowledge him. As far as I am concerned he doesn’t deserve any respect from me. A dishonest person is the worst.
There is not one day I don’t feel the hurt and disappointment this guy caused me. I hope to one day not remember him and put this awful experience behind me.
With thanks,
Nina
Hi Heidi,
Thanks very much for your understanding.
I do feel fooled and definitely I was ‘blind’ to the obvious red flags that were dotted along the way. For example, he kept saying negative things about me such as certain aspects of my appearance but then trying to say it was a joke! Not funny at all!! I had never heard this from anyone before and certainly didn’t expect from an older more mature guy!
Of course I have learnt a lot from this experience and I think the reason I am finding it more difficult than normal to get over is because I was genuinely not expecting the guy to act and be like how was at the end IF he really cared as he had shown me. But of course he didn’t and it was all a confidence trick. I will be more discerning and will keep my eyes more open next time. I’m working on forgiving myself for falling for a fool like him, I have to…
With thanks,
Nina
Hi Kanya,
Thanks for your message.
I don’t force nor do I expect men to have feelings towards me. I’m merely angry and upset that this guy “pulled a fast one” on me, i.e. he was less than honest with his feelings and true intentions at the beginning causing me to believe him and fall for him. He’s not the kind of guy I would normally go for but observing his seeming serious nature and maturity I found myself pulled towards him. Anyway now I know not to trust and fall so easily. That is the reason I didn’t acknowledge and speak with him when I saw him last weekend. I don’t befriend charlatans.
With thanks,
NM
Hi Kanya,
Thanks for your message. My friends are kind and reassuring but ultimately I need to put in the work towards self confidence.
I just wanted to say that I bumped into my ex last Sunday at a restaurant during lunchtime. Firstly, I was taken aback and quite nervous as we were being shown to our table close to his table! I should point out I was there with a male friend of mine and my ex was there with his whole family! Secondly, I couldn’t help but call my mum when my friend was saying hi to his friends at the restaurant. In fact I was nervous and went to the entrance to talk with my mum. Note that the entrance of restaurant was in direct sight of my ex’s table where he was seated. Thirdly, I was speaking with my mum while we were being shown to our table, we walked past him to get to our table and I was deliberately on the phone. I wanted to avoid saying hello to my ex. I was shocked and shaking! He had got up at the point so it was awkward to say the least.
He did say things to hurt me and ultimately the worst thing he told me was that his feelings for me had changed. I have never heard this from anyone before so I am still digesting this!! This guy really hurt me and said something which I never thought I would hear from someone least of all someone who appeared to be mature (he’s 15 years older than me) and serious. His conduct really affected me. However I might have appeared I didn’t want to say hello and will never say hello. He may well think I was on a romantic date but that wasn’t the case, I was just there with a male friend.
I was half expecting him to contact me afterwards but he never did. Ultimately I don’t believe he ever was saying the truth when he was trying to seduce me and once the novelty of that wore off he became his real self.
NM
Hi Heidi,
Thank you for your encouraging response.
I think it’s more my pride and sense of identity that have been undermined. I wish there was a way I could get my self esteem and pride back. After this experience I don’t have the confidence I used to and constantly doubt myself which is off-putting for some guys I realise. He told me certain things that have really made me panic in terms finding someone.. Now I realise it was deliberate on his part to make me weaker than I was already.
If there are any books you recommend please let me know. Also which manual in the programme would you recommend for me? I want to get my confidence up and able to attract attention.
Also any advice on how I should be or say when/if I see him?
Thank you.
NM
Hi Kanya,
Thank you so much for your insightful comments. I’ve been on a few dates since this guy broke up with me but I have failed to feel the same level of attraction and chemistry with someone else. What is wrong with me?!
In the 6 years before I met this guy, there was another guy I was sort of seeing on a non regular basis but I was not a relationship for over 6 years. I’m just terrified that it will be the same again now. I don’t have the luxury of that sort of time.
Whoever I meet is surprised I am single. I don’t know why I have been single most of my life. So when I met this guy and felt very attracted I was super excited and let all my guards down. Please believe me when I say I’m not very open and easily let people in. He gained my trust so quickly and more importantly made me so attracted to him.
I have blamed myself in the past and have been very hard at myself for allowing previous relationships to take the course they have taken. I’m so afraid this guy will show my text messages or tell people how he broke up with me and how I tried to get him back. I’m ashamed of my conduct. During our short time together he was the one who made all the contact. I kind of enjoyed that and the attention and mistakenly took that to mean he was infatuated with me. But of course he wasn’t and I was just nothing to him. Even to this day I can’t understand how I can be so heartbroken and unable to forget him whereas he is so non-challant and gone as if nothing existed. How is it possible to trust a guy in the future even if I do manage to find someone I’m attracted to?
Thank you,
NM
Hi Heidi,
Thank you so much for your guidance and really useful advice.
I completely agree with you in how I ignored the red flags in the somewhat desperate attempt to connect with this guy and make it work! Now I know that is not the approach for a lasting relationship. In fact I must have come across as low value and desperate. Arrgh. I am embarrassed and mortified at my own conduct. How I belittled myself. I sincerely don’t know how I should act if and when I come face to face with him. My mother thinks it is best to ignore him and pretend I don’t know him. This is actually kind of true since I didn’t know the real him, lying manipulative narcissist. Anyway I think it’s best not to acknowledge him. Your advice as to what to write to him in response to his friendly festive greetings has driven away which is great. After all I do not want to be friends with this guy. He broke my heart. As Bob Marley says ‘The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman’s love with no intention of loving her.’ I find this such a beautiful quote and so apt to my current situation!
Sorry to go on but I think the reason I cannot forget this guy is because he struck a chord with me and I felt an amazing chemistry with him which I haven’t felt in a long time. Not that he was particularly good looking or super eligible but mostly because he led me to believe he was caring, had long term intentions and generally innocent and hard working. It must sound strange but I felt safe with him, I know it was a very short time but he made me feel he would be there for me. I think that’s why I so shocked (still am) when he left so abruptly and without looking back. I’ve always had exes unable to forget and getting in touch and wanting to reconnect in a very obvious way but not this guy. This conduct goes against everything he led me to believe.
Thank you for the recommendation. I have signed up for the newsletter.
All my best,
NM
Hi Kanya,
Thanks for your message.
I am rather upset and angry at myself for several reasons. Firstly, I didn’t make myself come across as a high value woman partly because I was so desperate to be liked and also because I genuinely thought he had serious intentions. Now I know of course that I made a mistake. Secondly, and related to the first point, I overlooked some of his sayings and conduct; in other words I let him get away with treating me not so well. After my text to him asking for a proper relationship and not a telephone one, he broke up with me. I had no contact but then after reading some material decided to try the hero tactic to win him back but to no avail. I now realise that was the wrong move and made things worse. I gave him the permission to reject me again in a way. But thanks to you and Heidi, I sent him the response “Thanks. I wish the same for you!” around the holidays and since then he’s not contacted me again friendly or otherwise. I know you told me there is no point holding him accountable but I do not want him to think it’s ok to treat me like that and we can just be friends. It’s not happening. Of course I think of him everyday not with fondness just with anger but I’m afraid I can’t help it. I even had a dream about him and how I turned my head as soon as I saw him approaching me.
I have no choice but to trust myself to make sound decisions. One way to do that would be to take things slowly and pay close attention to what a guy says and does! I did see the red flags before as I was startled when he told me those things but think I must have been desperately trying to make it work with him. I have been single since my last relationship over 6 years ago so I was keen on this guy and to start something with him. Of course by hurrying and forcing is not the way. I just don’t know if I will ever meet a guy who is good and one who I find attractive. Sometimes I think I may have lost all my chances.. I was meeting far more people and better quality and suited to me before but not so much recently. I sincerely hope things will change for the better.
Thank you,
NM
