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In regards to the travel thing, I see what you mean now. I’m gonna have to spend some time thinking about that. Yeah, it is who he is…I guess I’m holding out hope he’ll get better with age though around this specific topic but I see how I’m contributing and will have to accept…
As far as subconsciously feeling like taking care of him is a way to keep him, I don’t think that’s the case. I think it’s more of the case where it’s a fear of mine, it’s an insecurity of mine that he may stay with me because I take care of him and if I stopped then he may not stay with me. Hope that distinction is clear. I’ve expressed this to him actually in the past and that’s why I was so upset the evening in July that I referenced earlier because we had had an argument that morning and hadn’t really talked it through and hadn’t really spoken the whole day and then he invites me out with his friends so watch a fight and he’s being all nice and I’m thinking oh he was mad at me earlier today but he’s OK with me now because here I am coming to pay for everything. But he reassured me that was not the case and that he had just softened throughout the day like he usually does and was over about what he had been upset about that morning.
That’s why I would really like to take money completely out of the equation so that I can feel confident as well.Also…one more question kinda related to this mothering dynamic….
So certain things are tough for him…due to his anxiety…like calling and making dr appointments. Well because he hasn’t been working very many hours he is about to lose his health insurance. I encouraged him to schedule some dr appointments before he did and he did call and set them up and is going to two today…
So I was thinking I’d normally say something via text like-I know it’s not easy for you, I’m proud of you for setting this stuff up and showing up and figuring it out. (He was having issues with insurance at optometrist).
But now I’m thinking that’s too mothering….and I should not say anything at all….
Thoughts?Also on side note, I have tried the exercise Kanya suggested about the listing of self judgements and responses and it actually is helpful so thank you.
It’s a lot to think about….I agree with you on some level but honestly I don’t think me not taking him on trips would make him more responsible. I actually did just that for about 6 months a couple of years ago and didn’t notice any change and then I wanted to go on a week long trip and asked him to pay 25% and he did. The thing is if we traveled like he does, we’d sleep on friends floors or couches and I’m not down with that. And I want his company on certain excursions, I don’t want to do certain activities like hiking trips alone or with others—it’s our thing.
The eating out thing I can stop. I can take that step…we can just cook at home and split the grocery bill…I think the only thing I’d have a hard time with is the trips. So I’ll take the other steps and let you know how that goes…
Ok ok
I do feel I’ve made progress in this area over the last year…but clearly there is still work to do.
Obviously I think letting him know that I am not going to ever lend him money again, even short term, is a good first step and of course sticking to it.
I can also just leave work out of the equation as well by not talking about it or suggesting anything anymore.
The couple of things that I do pay for often and I feel OK with it is going on trips and eating out a lot. The reason I feel OK with this is because I am the one that often wants to eat out and so I am initiating spending money where is he would be fine eating at home. And also I love to travel and love for his company and I know he can’t afford to pay for it. He definitely contributes but I pay for the majority of it. I’m OK with this because I take trips without him as well. I go to visit friends or go on trips with other friends or my kids so I don’t feel like this is something that is bothersome to me.
So I will continue to try to separate myself from actions that are more like mothering and not treating him like an equal.
I think part of the problem is that when so many things have felt like mothering then some things that would normally be OK and an equal partnership become part of this great area. For example, my ex-husband was totally an equal and I wouldn’t consider it to be mothering to give him a reminder like hey did you make a dentist appointment?
But now, and this relationship I feel like reminders like that I just part of this larger picture of us not being equals and him not being responsible. So I do find it difficult to determine where to draw the line sometimes.Us working together has definitely been an issue but it hasn’t been lately…but yeah…i have visibility into how many hours he works, if he’s late, etc….
I would like for him to get a different job since this is just a job to him and it’s my 20 year career…but he hasn’t made any effort to find anything else. It’s not something we’ve talked about in a long time…But back to the releasing my need for him to change…I guess I hope he will grow up at some point…I do believe him being unorganized and flaky is just him…but being more responsible with finances sometimes just comes with age…
I guess what I’m often questioning is where to draw the line between being supportive and enabling?Release my need is an interesting way to put it….I know I’ve tried to take steps back…and you’re right about him not feeling enough discomfort…he’s definitely not made changes because of that…his only idea of discomfort has been skipping some meals and not having enough money to go to shows or buy gear he’d like to….
The thing about suggesting shifts….soooo….I run a fleet of designer furniture stores and he works at one of my stores…so I have the ability to help add him to the schedule…I know, I know…it’s not an ideal dynamic/situation.
It’s where we met….Just an update that today has been normal. We’ve been talking normally and I’m out of the heat of it so to speak so I’m not so upset anymore.
Hi
Yes, this makes sense and I will give it a try.
I’d like to vent about a separate issue. A little over a year ago my bf moved into a house with friends/band mates. This was a great move for him as he was living alone before and was often lonely and depressed. Having friends around and people to play music with often has made him a lot happier. Also, we love his neighborhood. It’s beautiful to walk in and his roommate has a dog we take with us often and it’s great fun.
But obviously a bigger place comes with financial obligations and he didn’t adjust his spending so for a year I’ve been in a pattern of lending him money.
It got up to quite a large amount at the beginning of the year and we agreed he’d pay me $50 each pay check. Well he’d get paid and a few days would go by and he’d forget to make a payment to me and I’d have to ask for it. I told him how that made me feel….like he was ungrateful, didn’t care. I know he’s not an organized person and flighty when it comes to money and planning ahead for things but I didn’t appreciate it.
So he paid me off in April with his tax return and I said I didn’t want to lend him money ever again.
Well in July we were meeting at a bar after work with his friends and I was running late (cuz he didn’t tell me which location and I headed to wrong one) and I was so hungry and asked him to order. I arrive and he’s ordered food for both of us and drinks. The check comes and he’s like I don’t have any money. I was pissed. I told him it wasn’t ok to just assume I’d pay for everything. I do mostly pay for everything but that’s because I often want to go out and do things and I get he doesn’t have the money so I just pay so we can go together. He apologized profusely and paid me back when he was paid.So he chooses to only work 30 hours a week for the last year to have and extra day off to focus on music, but I suggested he pick up some shifts before he left on his week long tour he had during my surgery because he has no vacation time to submit so was going to be off 10 days with no pay.
Well he didn’t do this and he returned from tour broke and not able to pay rent. He asked me to borrow $250 for just 3 days until he received a deposit from his parents. (His parents also gave him $1000 last spring when he went on tour and $500 just last month to help him.)
So I reluctantly said ok. I said I really need the money back by Monday because I paid ahead on some bills and I have auto withdrawals set.So after he left work around 9 last night he texts me—I need money for food.
Doesn’t ask. Just says that.
I think that’s rude. I am also confused because I thought he was on his way to his parents where he could eat. So I just ignored his text and went to bed.
I woke up a few hours later and texted him asking if he ate and said I fell asleep. He said he did and told me he loved me. I asked how his parents were doing and he said he didn’t go over to their house because his dad said he’d just transfer the money electronically. I said well hopefully you’ll get funds by tomorrow.
He says oh I got them, I’ll pay you now, sorry. So I’m tired and pissed off so I just say goodbye
He’s like seriously? And says this is an example of you not communicating when you’re obviously upset
I say yeah, I’m angry but I figure it will pass so I don’t want to get into it. And he says he’s sorry and I ask him for what? And he says for not paying you back as soon as I got the money. And I say yeah, it’s rude and it’s selfish. I let you know that I had concerns about my auto withdrawals and also this is something we have talked about in the past. And he apologizes again and says he’s just an idiot when it comes to things like this and he certainly didn’t mean to make me feel taken advantage of or like he doesn’t care. He just doesn’t think and didn’t remember that I may need that money back right away this time.
And I said that apology really didn’t sit well enough with me because this is repeated behavior that he doesn’t change and it can’t just be like shrug, I’m an idiot. And he replied saying of course he didn’t mean it that way and that he loves me and he’s sorry he’s negatively dependent and coming off as ungrateful.Then he tells me he’s at his friends who lives near me playing video games. Often when he goes to this guys house he stays at my place because we live 40 minutes apart so I asked him if he was coming over and he said he didn’t know. He asked me if I want him to come and I say I don’t care.
At this point I’m really frustrated because I have to get up early to take my kids to school and get to work early and I really need to sleep. But of course I’m laying there in bed thinking through this situation and how I got myself into it by agreeing to lend him the money when I wasn’t comfortable with it and should’ve just said no and made him figure it out on his own. so I messaged him that really this time going forward I do not want to ever lend him money because I don’t want it to be a thing. I need to remove it as an equation in the relationship because it’s a negative thing. He said OK, I understand.
I didn’t tell him the other things that I was thinking which is it causes me to think negative things about him as a person in general. I see days where he could go to work and pick up hours but he chooses not to and that makes me think he is lazy and undisciplined. I also see him irresponsibly spend money. I also see that he is often late to work and he has a pretty good paying job for what he does and also his job lets him take all the time off he needs to go on his tours and play his shows and doesn’t require him to have the vacation time to do so so it’s a pretty good set up for him and it seems that he doesn’t appreciate it at all and is irresponsible about it.And then I was also feeling annoyed because we talked about going away for a weekend in November and I wanted to start deciding where we were going and booking the trip and he was saying he didn’t know if he should go or not because he really should try to pick up some shifts at work. I said I understood that and just needed to know one way or another because maybe I would go somewhere with a friend Or take my kids somewhere and switch my days with my ex or go visit a friend in a different city on my own then. And of course he never clarified what he wanted to do in a timely manner and so I messaged him last night that this was on my mind and that I felt a bit strung along because he wasn’t communicating about what he wanted to do and therefore I wasn’t making other plans on my own like I could. He said he does need to work but he didn’t want to disappoint me. So I said I wish you would just communicate that to me so we can talk about it and he said yes, I should have and I’m sorry. Then he tells me he is leaving his friends and his car is making a lot of weird noises and it sounds messed up so he’s just going to drive home. And I’m like alright well will you let me know when you get home safely, please and he says OK and then 40 minutes later he text me that he’s home and I sent him a heart emoji and he replies with a heart emoji. Then he messages me something about a political thing that I would be interested in we would normally talk about that he learned about on his car ride home from a radio show. I didn’t reply because I was exhausted and needed to get some sleep.
I guess I know what I to do about money—stop giving it to him. And I guess I feel at this point I said what I wanted to say so I said just act normally and we don’t need to discuss it any further.
I’m extremely nervous he won’t wake up in time for work today because he was out late last night….I’m not sure. It’s something I’ve thought of…I had a great childhood, supportive parents, no abuse whatsoever.
I just remember from a very young age, 2nd grade, I never felt who I was was good enough. I always felt I had to exaggerate to seem cooler and more interesting than I felt I was. This continued into my mid 20s until I met my ex husband who is truly my best friend. I relaxed into myself. We had a great marriage for a long time and had two great kids. I felt secure with him. When we separated and I feel I fell back to my old ways and thought patterns….
In some ways it’s a good thing…to want to improve yourself…forces me to focus on growing abilities…but it gets troublesome when I get to feeling defeated by not being good at the things I want to be good at…as if I accomplish these things it’ll make me more desirable and more worthy of love….Yeah I really like the idea of reframing my thoughts and will try it out. I think some other things that are going on also contribute to the overall feeling I’m having. If everything was 100 then I wouldn’t be overthinking it so often.
He’s a moody person and I’ve mostly learned how to deal with it but it’s not always easy. And I often feel I’m too enamored with him. I think it may make sense to spend a little less time with him sometimes….so I can focus on my own stuff….I tend to spend my nights either with my children or with him. I don’t really make time for myself although I do have days off here and there where I’m doing my own thing. I wonder if this would help….
I feel like a little obsessed for lack of a better word….I am organized and a planner and I put in my calendar where I’ll be each evening and kinda track how much time I’ll be spending with him and my kids too….I wonder if this is kinda weird behavior….or at least not healthy because then if he makes other plans without me when I’m available, I get kinda down….
I know that’s not reasonable so I don’t project that to him. But it certainly feels unhealthy and it’s a feeling I don’t wanna have anymore.
Most of my friends live in my hometown of Minneapolis so I don’t have a lot of close friends to spend time with when I’m not with him or my kids and that’s difficult….
But I should be ok with spending time alone…I get sad and I even resent him which I know is wrong…I’m jealous he has so many close friends to be around at any given moment…
And it’s especially ridiculous of me because 99% of the time he includes me in everything….
I feel kinda loser
SighI don’t. I actually just had that. I was married for ten years. I’ve been divorced for a little over 3 years now.
I’ve met other men since I’ve been with my boyfriend that are closer to my age and more established and responsible. I just haven’t had an attraction to them.I do wish my boyfriend was more responsible….for his own sake too…but I read the article on here about codependent relationships and your immature man and I’ve followed its advice for the most part and it’s helped a lot.
I am ok with a lot of the things that come with him being young…his lifestyle, etc. I don’t mind him spending a lot of time with his friends as I’m busy and he does include me when I’m available.
It’s just the nagging feeling that I’m wasting my time so to speak…my friends remind me I’m not getting any younger….to invest all this time and energy to just be left when I’m even older is pretty scary.Well, I hear you. And that’s basically what i try to tell myself—just be present. Worrying too much about an unknown future can negatively affect the present.
I basically try to think of the fact that we do enjoy eachother and I do have things to offer him as a partner. And I try to focus on just working on my own projects and passions…trying to grow myself in areas and pursue my interests. And I’ve been trying to strengthen my relationships with my friends and family members and not just focus all of my free time away from my kids and work on him.
It’s like…I know what to do…I know to let our relationship breathe occasionally to give time with his friends or time to focus on music and then that makes him miss me. I know he is more attracted to me when I’m feeling confident and busy with my own stuff…..
So I feel I know what to do but I just get hung up on how to stop the nagging bad feelings I get….
Like I would think at my age and level of success I’ve reached in my career and even my other personal relationships, I’d be able to have more confidence and worry less about this relationship. The amount of time I spend thinking, stressing about it…I don’t think it’s healthy.So I’ve actually posted on here in the past and thank you for your great advice.
I’ve posted in the past about a phase went through where I felt he wasn’t showing as much affection and I had stumbled across some saved photos he had of other women.
But since then we’ve talked about the photos and he’s been back to our “normal “ showing lots of affection, being sweet, and initiating sex.I’d say my biggest couple of areas of insecurities are—
1. Our age difference. I’m 15 years older than him. So there are the obvious insecurities which are is he going to really want to be with one person only for the rest of his life since he’s really only had a few other sexual partners before me and he’s in his late 20s.
And then kind of a second part of the age difference being is just the fact that we are at very different places in our lives. We seem to make it work day to day but big picture I know it’s likely that he may want to try moving to a new city and I’m not in a position to move for several years because I have school aged children.
So I often worry I’m investing a lot of time and energy into this relationship and it seems likely that he will not even be available to me long term in the next few years.The other major part of my insecurities stem from the fact that I often wonder if I’m really the type of woman he wants to be with. He’s a very creative person. He’s a musician and he hangs out with almost all musicians exclusively in his friendship circle. I think he thinks it would be ideal to date someone that he could also create music with and maybe even travel with in a band.
I’m really into music and we go to a lot of shows together and I try to support him and his endeavors. And I even play a little music and he’s inspired me to practice more but I just don’t have the time to dedicate to it as I would like with my busy work schedule and my children.We do enjoy doing a lot of things together. We like to travel together and hike. We live in Nashville and we have a really great time exploring the area and taking weekend trips to other states to hike and camp. He has mentioned casually a couple of times wanting to move to the East Coast but honestly financially he does not really do well with managing his money and he’s not really a planner at all so I don’t get too worried about him suddenly moving but it’s definitely something that’s in the back of my mind. And I do think this is the time for him to move around and explore and have fun. He is young! So I want to support him in being happy but obviously I want to have a strong solid relationship with him and want him to be with me.
So I would say those are the main two areas that tend to nag at me.
