[Melissa M]

By the way thank you for the quick reply

[Melissa M]

Thank you for clarifying.
I will think on this.
Initial thought is definitely that I feel a need to control things….

I think a couple reasons I stayed with him when he was worse off in his behavior is because I took some responsibility for the way he was acting. I think I mentioned before when we first started dating I exaggerated a few things about myself, specifically relating to music, which is his passion. I lied. This obviously came to light and he had a deep mistrust in me, and I think those feeling resurface occasionally. They certainly came up a lot after he found out for several months and he would lash out. I felt my previous bad behavior was the trigger and if I could just wait it out, he’d come to trust me again as he saw my behavior had changed and I had grown and gone through therapy.
And that’s kinda what happened….
But at some points when it got extreme in my opinion, I started to set boundaries about the way I would be allowed to be spoken to and he did start to adhere to them. And especially over the summer, I saw situations arise where there was conflict and I said hey let’s start over and talk it out and he was able to do so and it was great.

I know I have more to examine on this subject. My husband of 10 years was “ideal.” Supportive, caring, great dad, responsible, attentive, so on….
I left him….and I didn’t want to want to leave him because I knew I had an ideal thing.

So I do need to ponder this more.

[Melissa M]

Ok I’ve read this a few times and thought about it

Ok—I see what you’re saying about letting him off the hook phrase being controlling….
I guess I’m kinda asking—-should I express how I feel now that the moment has passed or not? I want to be able to give him the opportunity now that he’s out of that sunken place to have the adult conversation about it and maybe even lay groundwork for change in the future.

As far as being tapped into my energy…I think he has made many sustainable changes. I think he is becoming more responsible with age and has made real change around how he reacts to things. Would he clean his bathroom as much, probably not as he does that kinda thing truly for me.

As far as why did I choose this kind of relationship…..

I chose to get in a relationship with him because I was drawn to him immediately….his intensity, his observational skills, his consideration, his desire to keep learning
Because we can talk for hours about things we are both interested in
Because our sense of humor is in line with each other
Because I admire him for being passionate….

I truly don’t think I was looking to rescue him…

Yes, he needs help. But like I said I think he’s getting there. He’s changed a lot….
And yes, we have fun but our relationship is not superficial….
He’s seen the worst of me too…

And as far as the adult conversations…yes, they are happening….but it’s just when he gets into this particular space…it’s like he’s unreachable and just needs time and space and he always comes around….

But practically speaking…it sucks.
And it’s stressful for me.
In the past he would have lashed out, been mean. Now he just says he doesn’t wanna talk about it and retreats for awhile.

I accept this.

But my question is now that this last moment has passed—what’s best to do long term? Try to talk about it. Not fester on it….
And if so, how to bring it up?

Or just let it go…cuz it’s over now….

[Melissa M]

Also, one more thought…
Isn’t me having this mindset of ok—this is who he is rn—he isn’t even caring for himself, how can he care for me? Isn’t that sort of letting him off the hook? (For lack of a better term.)

[Melissa M]

The one thing i would say to this though is that over the course of the last few years I’ve seen him grow sooo much. He used to get angry. That’s how his depression would travel…into anger. He would occasionally self harm. He would say rude things to me in the heat of the moment and these ice outs were much more frequent.
However for awhile now…no self harm, a willingness to listen and try to understand my point of view, talking out things when conflict begins to arise, doesn’t violate boundaries by name calling.
So it’s kinda like this is the one thing….and I’m so glad it happens pretty infrequently. But it’s very hard on me when it does obviously.

And I guess at the end of the day I was hoping he’d say-I’m glad you got me up and we had a good day after all. But I’m not even sure I did the right thing so to speak. I could have just left and let him sleep all day…and I would have had it not been his birthday.

Also, since he doesn’t communicate I still feel very confused about why he was the way he was Sunday night. Acting distant and saying he wasn’t sure if he wanted me there….I suspect it was because a guy that had once asked me out came into where we work and he saw me talking bro him briefly…and I suspect that was a trigger for other feelings of distrust he has for me. But because he would not talk about it this is just me speculating.
But then yesterday he said it was a him thing…not a me and him thing…so I don’t get it.

I have a feeling you’re going to say—well that’s the kind of person you are with….can you live with just not knowing/understanding?

And yeah, I guess obviously I can since I’ve lived with it before…but should I just let it go…the moment and his negative feelings have passed. Why bring it up and reactivate them??

[Melissa M]

Wow
This is ….wow
Ok …let me think on this

But can I communicate to him…you aren’t taking care of you..let alone me….and I love you so I’m gonna stay with you but I want to let you know….

[Melissa M]

So I figured I’d post an update before you respond.
I ended up doing a few things on my own in the morning because he wasn’t waking up and around 1145 I finally woke him up and he said he just wanted to sleep all day. I told him I think you’ll feel better if you get something to eat and move around a bit. And he kind of muttered OK. I asked him if he wanted to hang out with me today? And he said should we? And I said that’s up to you. I took the day off today for your birthday to spend with you but it’s your birthday so you should do whatever you want to do. But I do think you should at least try to get up and have something to eat before you decide you want to stay in bed all day. and I said, I don’t want to have a repeat of last night where I’m not sure whether I should stay or go and don’t know it’s wrong because you won’t talk to me about it. And he said, I don’t want to talk about it. And I said, well that’s not really fair to me to leave me wondering is this a you thing (like depression) or is it a you and me thing (like he’s upset with me about something but refuses to talk about it)?

So then he said it’s a me thing. And I said I need you to communicate that at the very least to me. Because this is really hard on me too and I don’t know the right thing to do and sometimes I wonder if you push me away like this to the point where you want me to leave because you know it’s upsetting to me. But you don’t want to be the one to do it.
And then he said why does it have to be like that? And I said I don’t know I’m left on my own to try to interpret and understand because you are not communicating anything. You’re just shutting me out.

So at some point we stopped talking so seriously and ended up in this kind of tickle war because I was tickling him to try to get him vertical and he started tickling me back and we were doing that for like 20 minutes and then he got up and we went and picked up some lunch and had a late lunch and then we went on a nice long walk and he was holding my hand and talking normally.
Then he open his birthday presents for me and we decided to sit outside for a while and talk just about regular subjects, not about us. And then we got into his bed and watched a documentary together. At this point he was being affectionate again, touching my head and my face often, kissing me, putting his leg on my leg.
At one point, I thought about initiating sex, but I was really tired and I felt like he wouldn’t be interested anyways.
So I fell asleep around 11/11:30 and I woke up around 330 and he was still awake watching a different documentary. I gave him a squeeze and he asked me if the noise or the light from the laptop is bothering me and offered to turn it off and I said no, it was OK. And he was affectionate and then went back to watching the documentary and I fell back asleep.

I just left his house to go to work today and I’m with my kids the next couple of nights so I will have a break from him which I think we both need.

I think I’m trying to work out a couple of things right now in my mind. One being the initial thing I brought up on Saturday which is how do I stop feeling anxiety around his own life choices that he will have to deal with the consequences of – like not getting to work on time.

The second being I know he suffers from depression, anxiety, and I know his feelings can fluctuate pretty rapidly in the moment when he’s intensely thinking about something and he knows himself well enough to know that if he just let some time pass he will think rationally again and calm down so I assume that if he was upset with me about something, that’s why he didn’t really want to talk about it, because he knows it’s probably not exactly reasonable and he just needs to let some time pass. But I don’t know what to do in the situations when we are together and I feel like I should be able to expect a little bit more communication from him. I want to find a way to tell him that I know he has needs and then he’s going through something and I want to support him and respect that but I have needs too and he needs to help me to when he’s feeling this way. But I don’t know how to tell him that so that he understands and actually makes a change.

[Melissa M]

I will say…laying here wondering how he’s gonna be when he wakes up…like who am I gonna get? Loving and affectionate guy or cold and distant….not knowing, dreading….sucks

[Melissa M]

So another update—Saturday went fine. We went out Saturday night with friends and had a good time. Sunday we both had to work and he was feeling crabby that he had to work until 7 because he wanted to practice and I suggested he still do that when he got home even though I was there cuz we planned to hang out. So when he got home I was there cooking and offered him food and he said no thanks and was messing with his drums. I took my food to the other room and was reading. He went into his bedroom and I followed. I had noticed a distance…no hug or kiss when he got home but I figured he’d practice and be in a better mood…
So he’s in bed…
I ask why he’s not practicing and no reply? I say you ok? No reply. I say do you wanna be alone? No reply.

It’s frustrating because he does this occasionally. Complete shut out.
I should go home but I live 40 minutes away and next day his birthday and we have plans to go hiking in the morning.

So I go to living room to hang out with his brother and give him space. Come back an hour later and he’s pretty much the same so I just lay down facing the other way. He eventually starts to interact, showing me a picture of something online. Then he gets up to go outside and smoke. He messages me asking me to come outside. I do. I’ve clearly been crying but he doesn’t say anything about it. We just talk about the neighborhood animals and then go inside and get in bed. No physical contact. I’m exhausted and fall asleep immediately. So today is his birthday and I’ve woken up and he’s still asleep and I don’t know….
I am confused on what I want.
Like resolve to be tough through these passing moods….or do I want to continue to deal with this behavior? Or tell him I can’t anymore. It’s too hard…
I often think he’d be relieved if I left him anyways. There’d be the initial detachment hurt but he’d feel free….

[Melissa M]

So update that I’ve worked through this moment but I still need general coping mechanisms for these situations and i think I have an awareness that I like to control things and that’s partly why these moments cause me distress.

But basically today I just tried to focus on hanging with my kids and he did text me he was at work and started chatting like normal and I asked him to help me pick out something for my son’s Christmas present that is music related and he made some suggestions and said he will help.

[Melissa M]

Hi,
So things have been going well. I’m just looking to kinda vent and hear thoughts on something I frequently have to deal with but I should say it is much less often than earlier in our relationship. Mornings are quite difficult for my guy. He is a night owl and doesn’t sleep much and he tends to wake up sore and stiff and he suffers from migraines. So yesterday we had plans to grocery shop, cook a huge meal, have a bunch of friends over for Friendsgiving dinner. He was asked to go work on a music project so I said go ahead and I’ll grocery shop on my own and he said are you sure you won’t be upset and I said I wouldn’t be. I was annoyed he wasn’t giving me any credit for not really getting upset with him for asking to do this instead of saying thanks for supporting me….because I’ve made big efforts to support him in this area…

So anyways we cook and have a great time with friends. I’m feeling really tired and him and I go to bed and he’s super affectionate.

Then as often happens in the morning he’s so out of it that he’s impossible to wake up, he’s cold, he’s completely unresponsive. Well I needed to leave to go hang out with my kids and knew he had to leave for work in an hour so I asked him to please set an alarm and try to get up and he pulled his phone out and set the alarm and I said ok thanks bye and have him a kiss and got nothing like what happens when he’s in this physical place (hungover a little I’m sure too).
So then I couldn’t find my car keys and he was just laying there while I looked and I finally found them and left.

So I was thinking on the drive home—
It’s difficult to go to bed with one person—so affectionate and loving
And wake up with someone else

If I was laying in bed while he looked for his keys and didn’t help he’d be so upset….

And I have anxiety about him getting to work and on time and that makes me frustrated because he said he wanted to work today and he has to work earlier because he’s playing a show tonight so he designed this situation so to speak…..

So I’m trying to reframe my thoughts and not feel so frustrated with him and have empathy…
I sent him this text as I got home-
I love you
I hope you start to feel better today
Sorry I couldn’t help you in any way this morning
Made a time commitment to get home at a certain time to meet the kids

Well that was 30 minutes ago and he hasn’t read them or replied and he’s supposed to be at work right now and I need to learn/know how to let go of my anxiety around him not getting to work….
I want to call him but that would be me being his mom! So I can’t….but it’s so hard….
And I want to say…when you’re like this in the mornings it’s so hard for me to not take it personally…my feelings are hurt…but he has feelings too…that should be considered…like a need to just wake up and start to feel better on his own…
It’s tough…
I’m feeling not good about it now…
And anxious for him to reply and need methods to deal with these types of moments

[Melissa M]

I’m feeling positive. Even this morning after I went to work he texted me asking if he could come into work late because he was cleaning up his place for a party he’s hosting tonight and I said please don’t ever ask me things like that regarding work. Call your manager or just come on time.
And he said ok, I’m sorry.
And I said I need those boundaries to be respected and he again apologized and came to work on time. And he seemed proud that he got everything he needed to done and came to work on time so I gave him a high five and it all is going good.

[Melissa M]

Oh I wrote a version of the longer one about not feeling good about Supporting him financially and how it’s not good communication what he’s doing because what does he want? To borrow money for dinner or for me to just buy it?

[Melissa M]

Ok so I altered it slightly but used it tonight…he texted back saying I’m sorry for putting you in this spot to feel this way. I love you. And then we just started texting about a podcast we’re listening to.
So hopefully that will be the end of that and thank you.

[Melissa M]

Yes I know why you are saying what you are saying. Makes complete sense. It’s just the implementation that’s sometimes difficult in the moment.

Even last night for example..i went out with a friend for dinner after work. He was rehearsing. I know he only has like $30 for the next 4 days. So we plan to meet up after and he texts me Bringing home any food? Crying emoji.

I wanted to text oh no, I just left but didn’t want to lie.
Or text-this place kinda pricey. Do you wanna drop $15 on dinner?

What would be a good way to respond?

[Author]

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