[Melissa M]

Ok so I woke up very early Sunday morning having to address an emergency situation at work so I dealt with that all day and he was sweetly checking in on me and when I was leaving work he messaged me saying please come home to me. I said ok but I just wanted to go to bed.
So I stayed with him and we did have sex which he initiated and it was nice. So today I left for work early and he was off and he texted me around 1:00 asking how my day was and I said honestly, I’m feeling tired and down.
And he said he wished he could help me feel better and that he loves me.

So I text him around 6:00 asking how his day has been and he says ok and asks me the same. I say I’ve been thinking a lot and was hoping to share some thoughts and he asked me over but I said no i felt like going home and wanted to text because I feel like I’d be less emotional texting and he said ok

[Melissa M]

Well he did ask me to hang out after work and I told him I was pretty tired and didn’t feel like having any deep discussion but i wanted to be honest that I’m thinking through some things about us and our future.
He said ok, let’s go get some food so we did and it was pleasant and then we went to sleep.
So I’m just waking now and I guess I’ll probably take a couple nights away for sure. I leave town Thursday for 4 nights too so that will give me no choice but to be away which I think is a very good thing.

[Melissa M]

Well, it’s a lot to take, honestly.
I feel a little cloudy on how to proceed.
I think I need to talk to him and kinda rephrase these thoughts above and share that with him.

And then I guess the next step is to say I’m going to start focusing on me, and figuring me out…and that may mean I have to change some current behaviors…like the codependent type ones…

And I guess if I want to try to stay with him in the meantime, I need to accept he is who he is. He will either never change or change when he is ready….and I guess I need to just take him how he is. I think if he does something inconsiderate, I’ll still tell him how it makes me feel in the moment. I won’t dwell on it, won’t hold it in, won’t “give him a pass,” but I won’t take it all so hard. That may be hard for me at first but I think it’s going to be for the best in the big picture. I’ll just have to remind myself—this is who I’m choosing to be with…and if I get to the point where I find, you know what? I’m not succeeding at this….I’m not happy…then I’ll reapproach my strategy…and consider more severe changes.

Thoughts?

And thoughts on communicating with him? Like how to do it?

And how soon?

We have been at work all day together and he’s been acting normal towards me. Bought me lunch. We don’t have plans tonight but normally I’d just go over to his place after work since we’re both off at 10pm….and work again tomorrow at noon….
I feel like I should create a break for a week…have some space…
But I don’t know if doing that is just playing a game in a way…
Because of course I’m eager to talk to him and would like to sleep next to him. So I’m not sure what’s best for tonight…

Probably if he asks me over when we get off, I’ll come. If he doesn’t ask, I’ll just head home.

[Melissa M]

I was just going through my old emails and found an email exchange from November of last year between us where we both expressed our needs at the time from each other in the relationship. It’s interesting…I asked him to work on a few things: quality time together/to make sure to carve out some private time to be together each week even though we are both busy.
Give me space at work to focus on work
No physical harm to himself ever
Express his feelings in a way that’s constructive, no name calling

So I think about where we are now with these 4 requests and he has indeed met every single one. That does make me feel positive and like he can make progress…..

And I’m also reflecting on the things he needed from me….
Honesty —check
Space and time to focus on his music with not being made to feel guilty for it—I think check…I don’t ever ask him to not practice, rehearse, record, play shows, tour….I just ask he communicate about it and try to manage his time
I wonder if this is something I should ask him about…if he feels supported…
Remember Friendsgiving day when I was like go ahead and record and I’ll do all the grocery shopping? I try to do things like that….

Work on being a better listener—check

Stay positive-don’t be so quick to get sad and hurt—-I guess probably a big NO check to that one….

I found this interesting to run across…

[Melissa M]

I guess when I say I don’t know how to start, I mean I don’t know if I should take some time away from him? Even if just for a few nights at the very least…..
Or if we should talk a little more?
I’m not sure there is more to say…
He acknowledges he’s inconsiderate. He doesn’t change much. I get my feelings hurt. That’s a pattern.

My fear is that it’s a good thing we got some of these feelings out in the open, but if we hang out tomorrow night, we’ll just be the same. No real change….it’ll all happen again eventually….

I imagine you saying—this is who he is. If you wanna be with him, then accept it. If you wanna stop feeling miserable or if you can’t deal with this anymore, then get out of the relationship.
So simple, right?

I’m trying to find a way to be in the relationship and have standards…but not be miserable when he falls short.
Impossible? I guess it’s a mindset?
A decision I’d have to make?

Like I’m wondering if I can take a mini break of a week or so…to get some space created…let him know I’m thinking through a lot of things…take some time to focus on me….hopefully he will miss me and think about his actions too…
Then when we do start to spend time together again, I let it happen only when he’s the one that initiates…he’s gonna have to do some planning, show effort…
And when he’s inconsiderate in the future, I either make a decision to let it go or I call it out immediately—not criticizing, just I feel ….when you…..format.

Or am i overthinking it coming up with this big plan?

[Melissa M]

I hear you about letting go of the trip. I’ll figure that out later. Or save it until the next year and do other trips with friends this upcoming year.
So yesterday/last night he was recording and we had dinner plans with his parents to celebrate his mom’s birthday. I told him I was on my way home around 6 and he didn’t mention he was still recording. So when I got to his house he was still working so I left to grab wrapping paper for his mom’s gift and I just felt annoyed…like it would not have been difficult to text me he was still working…normally I’d just blow this off as a minor annoyance but just with everything else going on I was cold towards him on the way to dinner.
Dinner was good though, I relaxed and we were talkative. There were about 9 of us there. After dinner on the way home I had a headache and just felt wiped out. We got into bed and I just started crying. He held me and asked why. I said I just wanted to sleep and he hugged me a lot and we fell asleep.
This morning I said I have been feeling upset. And I I said I want to first acknowledged some of why I’m upset is on me…like I may be making things into a bigger deal than they are but the last few weeks a lot of little things have been adding up….and I can’t seem to shake the negative mindset pattern I’m now in.
So I mentioned I was feeling hurt by some of his actions—the not paying me back right away when he got the money, the going distant the night before his birthday, the not reading the email, or rather not reading my texts closely enough to even know there was an email it turns out, the not saying much in response to the email when he did read it, the drama of him not getting up for work so then he doesn’t remember to ask anything about my morning that I had already mentioned—like my car issues, or not telling me about a party so now I can’t come because I didn’t plan ahead to be off of work….
It just felt like so much inconsideration…back to back

So he at first kinda put up a wall
And then I said well this is why I don’t communicate when I’m upset…you say you don’t want me to have things pent up but if you’re gonna just be absent from the conversation or show me you’re either upset or disinterested with your body language then I think it’s better I don’t communicate and just continue to try to work through understanding my feelings on my own.
So he quickly apologized and said he did want to hear what I was saying and he was sorry he’d been inconsiderate lately more than usual.

I said I get really stressed out when I make the decision to call and wake him for work because I feel I’m doing the wrong thing…I’m like in the big picture, do you resent me for doing that?
He said no, that he does feel bad for creating stress and upset with himself but in no way did he resent me or think ill of me for trying to help him get to work.

So we ended the talk on good terms and he had to go to work and I was headed home. We had some down time to talk about other stuff and we have separate plans for tonight.

But after I was driving home and I just kept thinking….
Trying to dig deep and be honest…

1. Why am I letting all these things bother me so much? Well like I said—fear. Fear he’s never gonna change. And the reason he’s not gonna change is because I’m not the woman that’s worth it for him to change for. Because I’m not enough. I’m not a musician. I’m not etc etc
2. I’m starting to wonder if I’m not satisfied because I’m insecure or I’m insecure because I’m not satisfied?
Like he’s obviously got flaws like we all do…do I continue to feel hurt by them because I’m insecure or do I get blindsided by insecurity because he’s not capable of giving me what I need from a partner?

Ok so I messaged him #1 basically saying this is the raw truth.
And added I keep waiting for you to tell me I’m not all you want.
Because you did tell me that last April. I’m anticipating it happening for good.

So he responds and says—
I love you.
I like being with you.
You’re not all I want but that’s impossible.
I’m not looking for anything more.
I’m just inconsiderate.
And I’m going up against David. (My ex) That’s tough. You were spoiled for 10 years.

Ok so that response surprised me because it never occurred to me he’d compare himself to my ex…
I was thinking of how i should respond when he messaged me again saying—-clearly I’m not enough for you so….

And I responded—
That response feels manipulative
It feeds into my insecurities
Like you’re thinking, I can leave her now and basically make her think it was her idea
Or
I can not take responsibility one way or another….

And he replied no no no
I have no desire to get rid of you
I want to stay with you

And now i haven’t responded because I don’t know what to say. Obviously I’m glad he said those words but I’m trying to be honest with myself…like did we go through all this just so i could hear those words? I’m second guessing all my actions….

I’m not sure how to proceed…
Ideal world…I’d figure my own stuff out. Not get all stressed out and tense when he’s focused on other stuff and do my own thing and be comfortable with that….
Give him some room to breathe and miss me. Grow myself. Hopefully he will grow more too….
I don’t know how to start

[Melissa M]

I’m not sure….
Do you think it’s necessary? I think I can just do it. If I tell him and then have a moment where I don’t follow through (being realistic) then I’ll feel worse….

I’m just having a blah day where I feel tired of feeling tired…
I just found out his band is going on a tour for 3 weeks next august.
Normally wouldn’t mind but the timing means we will have to cancel or reschedule a trip we had planned for September because he won’t be able to afford to take that much time off two months in a row….I know it’d be unreasonable to ask him to choose our trip but I’m sad about it.

[Melissa M]

In response to Heidi,
I’m not sure about what would happen or how I relationship would unfold differently in the future if I stopped all of them mothering.
Like I said, he has made a lot of big changes and it just seems like these last couple of weeks something has been off.
Yesterday he was not very productive because he couldn’t use his studio space because other people are using it and he slept in late and his sleep schedule has been very off. I didn’t know what it would be like walking in the door after work last night. But it was very pleasant. He was very sweet and attentive. We went out to eat and we went Dutch.
I asked him if he had read my email and he said what email? And I told him that I had messaged him Thanksgiving morning that I was sending him an email and he said it must have gotten lost in the thread as he was waking up. He then proceeded to read the email.
We didn’t really discuss the content of the email or make a plan. He read the email and then hugged me. But then we were interrupted by a phone call from his mother. that led to a discussion about our dinner arrangements for tonight and so on and so on and then we never came back to it.

I know exactly what you are saying now about it being about me. I think I’ve realized this at different points over the last three years but it’s been an ebb and flow versus a trajectory if that makes sense.

I’ve seen a couple of different therapists and have not had much success in getting to the bottom of it so to speak. I know that I deal with feelings of insecurity and not feeling like I am good enough. And I know that’s why I would resort to telling fibs about myself to make myself appear like I had better qualities or abilities than I currently did. or even just more interesting experiences – like a big fish stories. at one point I had to have an MRI done for something else and I even asked a psychiatrist to analyze the white matter in my brain because I had read about how people with more white matter are more prone to lying. My main focus was to stop the lying and I have done that.
I think what my goal is going to be now is to start taking steps to disconnect from the mothering.
I’m not going to save him at work anymore. If I slip up and I do, I’m not going to expect anything fullness from him. But I’m really going to try to not get so worked up about it anymore.
Obviously I’ve stopped lending him money. And we’ve had that conversation. And we are paying for things equally when we go out, if we go out.
And I’m going to revisit the conversation about his moods when he ices me out. I’m going to let him know that I’m going to need to take care of myself in those moments so I’m probably going to be reacting differently than I have in the past. Which means I’m going to just leave and go home. Which means there will be a follow up consequence to that, which is I’m not going to turn around and drive all the way back the next morning even if we had plans.

I think those few things are going to be my first steps.

[Melissa M]

In response to Kanya,
I guess I’m afraid of losing him because I do feel that the good parts of him are so unique in the sense that I don’t find myself attracted to other men like I am him. And yes, I obviously have a fear of being alone. Also, as you know how it goes and relationships, we have a whole social life built up together that I would miss as well. I know that’s not a good reason to stay with him but I would certainly this having that aspect of my life because his group of friends that has become my group of friends really participates in all of these activities that I like to do that I don’t deal with any other group of people. As I said before, I’m from Minneapolis and we live in Asheville and I don’t have a lot of friends here. A lot of my Friends are from work so they don’t really get too deep because I have to keep it professional and plus I work with my guy and we are not supposed to be working together so I cannot divulge that to people that I work with.

[Melissa M]

Ok so here it goes—
When I know he’s going to be late for work I start to panic he’s going to get fired. What happens if he gets fired? He’s not an organized, motivated person. You know this…
He has anxiety so interviews would be a challenge for him (although he’s a great conversationalist and people love talking w/him). So getting another job would be step one that I’m worried about…

Next, He makes a good wage and has all this flexibility with time off for his music. So I’d be concerned he wouldn’t be able to pay his bills even more so because he may make less. And he may have to bounce from job to job to get time off for yours which would be stressful…

But deep down what am I really thinking?
Well 1. I like being able to spend time with him occasionally at work. But…I’m scared that’s partly a control thing…I can control his schedule to match up with mine so it’s easy for us to hang out after work. I can control the amount of hours he gets so he has enough money (if he shows up.) I can protect (control) him in not getting fired for the most part….

And then why do I feel the need to control?
Fear.
Obviously I fear if I can’t control things I’ll lose him.

I mean yeah there’s surface level stuff….it’d be a real drag to have him have to move, have even less money, probably be depressed, maybe see him less if he works weird hours at a new job…

But I think the deep deep reason is a need to control triggered by fear of losing him….

Does that make sense?

I don’t know how to stop myself…
I try tapping, focusing on something else, texting a friend….
It’s better if I’m at work…because then I just have to work. But like yesterday I’m often driving to work…so then I’m calling him on my Bluetooth trying to wake him.

I actually talked to his brother once about it and he said—-you care more than him it seems. Let him fail. When you save him it makes him feel badly twice over—once for screwing up and twice for disappointing/being a bother to you and needing saving.

[Melissa M]

Sigh. Yeah. He wasn’t confident of the date.
Yeah, I see what you’re saying…I mean….using the word accountable…its similar to what I was saying when I asked about “letting him off the hook.” Whether it’s regarding the basic functions of life or the emotional functions, he’s just not with it..and I do agree with you that it seems there’s an element of protection there for him when he seems to be punishing himself first before someone else can show their disappointment in him….
I’ve seen improvements in him for sure but something is definitely going on with him right now. Yes, I will continue to try to hold him accountable in the sense that I’m not babying him through these moments and I’m not lending him money.

[Melissa M]

So this is how Tuesday went…I had a great day off of work on my own. I got a lot of errands done and did things I wanted to do. My guy was at his own home and slept in late (he was off too) as he hadn’t slept well for a few nights in a row. When he woke up he apparently realized he had forgot to ask for a day off he needs to play a show. I ask him when it is and then he becomes unsure of the date. I ask him which band he’s in is playing and he basically texts he’s now confused and feels like a dumb piece of crap and is frustrated.
So instead of babying him I just say—I’m sure you’ll figure it out. You always do. And he says ok.
Then he asks me what I’m doing and I say I’m getting my car fixed and he’s like what’s wrong with it? I remind him I texted him Monday morning that my car had been making weird noises but then he was dealing with his own issues. So he apologized for not remembering or asking me about it again after he got to work Monday.
So I had plans for Tuesday night. I was going to my kids event at school and then since they were at their dad’s, I went to hang out with my friend. So I had no plan in hanging out with my guy even though I didn’t have the kids. He told me around 6:30 he was going to record some music and I expressed that was great, I was happy for him and hoped it went well.
I hung out with my friend and then went to bed early, feeling pretty good.
I get a text from him around 3:30 am—he’s saying omg did I miss my mom’s birthday? I tell him to ask his brother. And yes, it was yesterday so he missed it. He texted her but he’s texting her at 3:30 am the day after her birthday.
I don’t know why but this really upsets me…I mean I know why but I don’t know why to the level it does. His mother is very sweet and works hard and looks out for him (probably too much.) he’s terrible with being organized, that we know. But it just feels so selfish.
I know he feels terrible and is ashamed. I didn’t say anything judgmental to him. I just said maybe she’s off tomorrow and you could take her to lunch? And he saw my message but didn’t reply. I then messaged him about a podcast we’re both listening to and he didn’t read or reply but it was 4:20 am at this point and he could have passed out tired.

So the reason I’m adding this info is because I suggested we hang out when I get off work today around 7 and he said yeah baby but I would not be surprised if he tells me he’s going to go record again. Also, he is down on himself for not being able to get to work, not being organized to ask for day off, not asking me about my car, not remembering his mom’s birthday…..so I don’t know if I should just forget all about the email I sent him last week….

I don’t think he ever read it…
Do I really want to talk to him about it when he’s already feeling shitty about himself? I guess I can see how it’s going tonight…gauge in the moment…I just don’t want to add to the negativity…I’d rather be a positive influence, be known for generating positive feelings…
But yeah…it’s important to me we do talk about the things I sent in the email at some point….

[Melissa M]

Ok so that’s some thoughts and more background….

Here’s what’s been going on the last few days…..
Wednesday night around midnight I emailed my guy a note…I sent via email so it wouldn’t get buried in texts and it was kinda long so I knew he may read it at a later time.
I messaged him telling him I sent him the email because I had some lingering thoughts about how Sunday night/Monday morning went (when he was in the sunken place) and he had asked me to communicate and not let things fester.

So he wakes up thanksgiving and sees my message but I don’t know if he read my email because then he went to his parents house for the day. We met up at the end of the night and he was being very affectionate and we did make love and then I had to go to work really early Friday. Friday after work I was busy with my kids so didn’t talk to him.
I worked Saturday and was feeling r tired and my guy nicely bought me some snacks, etc, like a retail care package, and dropped it off for me. Then he invited me to go out with him and some of his childhood friends I haven’t met yet that night.
So we arrive at his friends house that night and I can tell right away these guys are not like the people my guy normally hangs out with that I’ve come to call my friends too. These guys are shady for lack of a better term. And just obnoxious. I tried to chat with the one person my guy was truly there to see, a guy who did seem like a decent person….but once my guys brother arrived and I knew he had a ride home, I told him I was gonna go. The whole time my guy could tell I wasn’t completely comfortable and was checking on me and being sweet and understood when I left and walked me to my car and checked that I got home ok.
So he was out until 4 in the morning.
Fine. He didn’t work until noon the next day and I know he was mainly talking to his one nice friend.

So he’s exhausted from working all weekend and no sleep Saturday night. And he can’t sleep Sunday night. He has a migraine. I was home with my kids. So yesterday morning I see he hasn’t been active online and I just know he’s going to sleep through his shift’s starting time and I get that anxiety….I try to use the techniques but I’m really stressed about it….I had texted him some links to articles I thought he’d like and could see he wasn’t opening them or active
so I break down and call him….wake him up for work.
He pretty much messages me saying he doesn’t think he will make it in time and I say you can do it. You’ve done it before…and he replies: I don’t want to
So I say well that’s because you’re exhausted and not feeling well so you aren’t thinking rationally…just force yourself to get to work and you’ll be ok like you always are.

So he gets to work just slightly late and I’m there too and we interact nicely all day and he’s fine.

But 1. Of course I feel like I screwed up?? I caved and acted like a mom to him…..so I feel bad about that?? But 2. I feel good he got to work and was fine…..
I know, I know…it’s not sustainable for me to be the one getting him to work like that….like I don’t know how to even feel about it….
I guess part of me is also like…a thank you would have been nice…but why would he thank me? He said he didn’t wanna come…(and he’s ashamed) and if he isn’t even thankful why do I do this? Aghhhhhh

So then something happens that never has before. I accidentally paid $2000 on a bill online instead of $200. So I was overdrawn….I told him about it and he sent me $200! I’m like, can you do this? And he said yes so obviously I’ll pay him back right away when I get this thing sorted out today but I thought that was good of him.

So I left work yesterday and he knew I had my kids so he messaged me about 7:00 and I never replied, was busy with kids and then went to sleep by 10:30 exhausted. I see he messaged me about 1 am saying hi, then are you ok? And then a heart emoji

I won’t see him today. I’m off and have things to do and have a school function tonight and then will go to bed early. I’ll probably see him tomorrow after work….

I want to ask him if he has even read the email, be understanding if he forgot to, and ask him to read it….

(It just basically says—when you go into that sunken place, you abandon me. I know you aren’t even taking care of yourself so how can you take care of me? And it’s scary for me. And we need to figure out a plan to better navigate these moments when they arise in the future.)

And this kinda relates back to yesterday morning too….what’s the plan? I think I know you two will say the plan is for him to grow up on his own, face the consequences of his own actions….but that means I need to be truly ready to deal with that too…and I showed yesterday by calling him to wake him and then texting him encouraging him, I’m still not….

And is something I should talk to him about or no??
What’s the point, right?
I guess to say how I feel…..
But I’m not sure how to go about it all
And I’m not sure that I should say anything today via text…or just wait until tomorrow night if we’re together

[Melissa M]

Sorry typo above
I knew* it was a harmful distraction
Not deny that it was

[Melissa M]

Ok so where to begin…..Will try to separate thoughts into sections. It’s been a busy last week.

Ruminating on Heidi’s questions more and really I think 1. I stayed with him when he acted horribly because part of me felt I deserved it. 2. I wanted badly to make the relationship work because I got out of a ten year marriage and into a relationship with him and felt I didn’t want to be alone or feel I should have tried to work things out with my ex husband more than I did 3. I do feel I could meet someone else. Like I feel I have good qualities and am confident but I’m so particular and can’t imagine meeting someone I’ll want to be with in the way I want to be with my current guy. (Even when he is being a shit.)

In regards to my ex—-I married him when I was in my late 20s. He was my best friend. A great guy. There was never any passion on my side for him but I didn’t think that would be important long term as passion fades and I thought what was more important was the fact that he was this really great guy. We were happy for many years but always had a lot going on—had two kids, moved across the country twice, built a home, etc. I always traveled for work and that gave us some time apart. The last couple of years of our relationship i started feeling restless….I had stopped traveling for work and turned 40 and I had things I wanted to do and events I wanted to attend that weren’t his interest and we didn’t mind doing some things separately. But it became more and more and the types of friends we had were two totally different social circles. Of course we had family time with our kids but we were very focused on them. We stopped having sex. I wasn’t even remotely interested.
This whole time I was developing a friendship with the guy I am currently with. I’d dream of him constantly. And I knew he had feelings for me too, I could tell.
Because I deny that was a harmful distraction, I actually moved my office to a different location and stopped talking to him and cut him off my social media. I went on a trip with my husband without the kids. We went to a marriage counselor. We got my father involved to help. Finally though, my husband was the one to say, I’m filing for divorce. I don’t wanna try to convince you anymore…I wanna be with someone that loves me like I love you.

And honestly it was a relief. We told the kids and they took it well because we continued to all hang out and be positive around each other. I moved out into an apartment 5 minutes away and we all still frequently hang out. We had thanksgiving together.

[Author]

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