[Melissa M]

I know this is a me thing…I just wanted to clarify it’s not a I need to hear from him every hour thing…that’d be pretty ridiculous…

When I can focus on something I find meaningful or that takes up my concentration like reading something interesting, playing piano, getting into a project at work, then I don’t get nearly as anxious.

I think I’ll just try to refocus.

[Melissa M]

I don’t think it was that. It’s the fact that the night prior he didn’t say much and then the next day when I asked how was your night he never answered the question….
Then he didn’t say anything when I know he’s off work…it’s not that 90 minutes had passed… we can go hours and I don’t mind at all. It was the matter of the timing…like I knew he was off work and available to respond at that point. And I just was thinking it would not be difficult to quickly text—gonna hang with my friend tonight. Hope you’re well. Goodnight.
Or something along those lines….
I get it—he doesn’t have to do that.
It’s not his job to report to me or put me at ease.
And again, I don’t even know why I feel the need to know so badly….he’s never given me any reason not to trust him….

And I never ever bring it up…
I never ask him to check in or lmk what he’s doing because I know he would feel controlled.

I know this is about my need to be in control…and I usually just try to reframe my thoughts and focus on other things. I’d like to get to the point where it’s nothing to me…..

[Melissa M]

Ok so my last message to him for the night after he sent I love you was I love you too. What’s up with you tonight?
So he messaged me back at 3:45 am saying he had been hanging out with his friend that was in town from Houston. (Really a nice guy.) and texted I love you, I miss you.

I sent him a link to an article when I woke and he responded around 9:30 when he woke and we had a back and forth about it and then he asked what I was doing today and I responded and somehow in the conversation it got slightly flirty but nothing too provocative. And he was headed to work and I’m going to hang out with my kids so we’ve stopped messaging now.
I feel fine now….
Just frustrated with myself that it takes this sort of interaction to feel 100% fine….

[Melissa M]

As soon as I tapped Submit on the above, I get a message from him saying I love you.

Sigh.
Nice…but…it’s like he’s making an effort to let me know he loves me even though he’s busy right now.
He could just message me…practicing guitar, love you
Or hanging out with so and so, love you.
But it’s like he doesn’t want to have to tell me what he’s up to…like I’m not his mom…he doesn’t “have” to….
It just wouldn’t be so difficult….
But I’ll never ask him to do this or bring it up because I think he’ll feel controlled…

Ok, going to bed for real now.

[Melissa M]

So around 4 I messaged I love you too and how was your night last night/day going today?
2 hours later he responds with some comment about something he read.
So he doesn’t answer me…lol…it’s like he knows and doesn’t want to give me the satisfaction of telling me. Lol
So I was starting to cook a big dinner when I saw his response so I just didn’t reply. Hour later he messaged me again with a picture referring back to his last message so I ask him about it. He replied a bit later and then we have a brief exchange about a cute animal pic.
An hour later around 9 I message him I have an ear ache and ask him how he’s feeling?
So now it’s 10:30, I know he was off work at 10, and he hasn’t replied…

It’s one of those moments….I will just go to bed. There’s no point in worrying about what he’s doing (probably playing music) or why he’s not replying (because he is probably playing music).
I just wish I could be like…this isn’t a big deal. Just go to sleep and talk to him tomorrow….

And it’s not that I am making it a big deal. But yeah, it’s on my mind enough to want to vent about it here instead of using this time to finish my book so I find that frustrating…

[Melissa M]

So update….things have been going pretty well still.
We continued to have a really nice weekend that weekend and then the next weekend as well.
Then this week we left town together for the week and went on a hiking trip. It was pleasant and we had fun and enjoyed it despite the fact it rained a lot, my phone stopped working, and he started coming down with a cold.
Now I won’t see him for about 5 days as I’m with my kids.
He’s working the whole weekend.
I always go into these stretches of time of like 4-5 days excited to spend time with my kids and have some me time to work on my own interests too when the kids are at school or after they’ve gone to bed.
But I often get tense when I feel my guy and I don’t message much. I don’t really need a lot of messages…I guess I’m just wondering what he’s doing …
For example, last night after he got off work around 10:30 he texted me saying I love you and I replied with a heart emoji. Then I fell asleep. Fine.
So today I message him asking how he’s feeling and he says his throat hurts. It took me a couple hours to respond because I was busy with the kids but I expressed sympathy and he responded pretty soon after saying I love you.
I know he’s at work and may be busy so I’m not bothered at all he hasn’t responded yet….
I just know that if I don’t hear from him again until tomorrow that’ll cause me to feel some anxiety..(this scenario isn’t even likely but I may not hear much, put it that way)

I’m trying to reframe my thoughts…
Like…why do I need to know what he did last night? I trust him…I don’t actually think he did anything that would bother me. He probably got home from work and either hung out with his roommates, played guitar or drums, or spent the night in bed working on mixing music, especially since we were hiking all week and he probably missed doing that. So why do I need to hear it from him to feel ok? This need to know…it seems ridiculous and you know it—needy.

So although things are going good and he’s been acting more thoughtful and attentive in general, I’m just trying to work through these feelings/thought patterns.

[Melissa M]

Ok so the update…
I went to work and just immersed myself in work which was great.
Started texting with him around 3 and he was excited for our night with his family. We were chatting normally.
I was just being positive.

Little while later he says, I thought I was off at 7 Saturday. So I just figured I’d hang out with my friend until you got off work around 10 and then we’d hang out then so I was kinda confused why you said you were bummed out but now I realize I work until 10 too.

Gooood. He’s so flaky. Lol

Well anyways so he says, I’m gonna cancel if you wanna hang out still just us.

So that was nice. (I already made other plans…not sure…I’ll just invite him along, probably)

We had so much fun with his parents.

Then we came back to his place and he was really sweet and basically just smothered me with affection and we made love.

So…I feel pretty dumb right now for overreacting…I gotta stop doing that….

[Melissa M]

Ok sorry for rambling
One last thought…
Obviously quality time is one of my love languages and words of affirmation and then a very very close third is physical touch

Ok so in regards to quality time, I’m just kind of reminding myself that I was married for ten years….like I’m used to coming home to my significant other…obviously that didn’t work out but idk…this relationship is not just very different all around but I’ve had a lifestyle change too…
And he’s only in his late 20s! So he certainly wants to hang out with his friends a lot and be social.

Again, I feel I need to acknowledge this to either let it be somewhat of a relief in explanation or on flip side (negative one) another reason it’s hard…

[Melissa M]

Yes, this is good advice….
I will say though regarding the flirty text thing…I do do that…
In fact I had done it the night before because I had a package delivered to his house and told him he could preview it…a toy…and he opened it while were texting and said oh wow but then said the box it arrived in was too big lol so I don’t know if the oh wow was ooooo this will be fun or god, look at all this wasted packaging.
Then he sends 3 heart emojis but that’s it.
But I was also taking into consideration he was having a tough day. He basically woke up at noon but was in a mood so stayed in bed until 5. Got up for a couple hours and got back in bed and this is when we were messaging.
So I tried to remember since he was feeling down, he probably wasn’t in the mood to say a lot.
Then Thursday he was messaging me a lot just about stuff we discuss, history, politics, etc. and that’s when he brought up the When are you free? Do we have days off together?
And we had that chat.
Then we both got busy and when he started texting me again a few hours later he was being r sweet, calling me cute, saying he misses my face. So I text kiss it all over tomorrow and say something a bit more explicit. And he sends back a heart emoji.
Frankly, kind of a letdown response.
But hey—I reframed my thoughts—reminded myself he was recording at the moment and had like 4 other people around him so how could he really get into that kind of conversation and focus on who he was with/what he’s doing…

And then he was going out with friends for a drink and texted wish you were with us and normally I’d feel like —bummer, I feel left out but I didn’t care. I just felt happy that I had a really productive day and nice night with my kids who were asleep at this point btw.

and that’s when he invited me to the family thing and told me he was going to hang with his friend Saturday night.

So I think I’m doing pretty good at focusing on my own stuff and reframing my thoughts.
I just obviously wish he would put forth more effort? But each situation he just can’t…depressed, busy, not a mind reader….
But idk…these are the moments where I really get confused.

Am I feeling down because of my insecurities? My neediness?

Or is it that if he really wanted to make me feel good, he’d do it..he’d carve out a few minutes to send a nice message…he’d do more than just hit the stupid heart emoji button.

Or like usual is it just that we probably aren’t the best combo…it’s both of us…I’m a little too needy and he’s just not quite giving enough due to all his own issues/things…

And I need to either accept him for what he is giving rn or …you know….

I feel like I know the “answers” but it doesn’t feel great….

I’m wanting to stay mentally strong. Kinda feel I’m being impatient. Probably just cuz I haven’t seen him in 4 days…so I’m desiring that connection…I’m trying to do the 30 days of goodwill thing…no criticizing, etc….so I don’t want to say the wrong thing…

Also, I’ve tried talking to him about the whole love language concept but he doesn’t seem interested…how can I talk to him about it…without saying it’s the love language thing? lol
And how can I ask for what I need without coming off as needy…especially when I do see he’s making an effort for several weeks now…? Just keep praising the good stuff?

Sigh.

[Melissa M]

So last weekend was pretty good.
It’s just that we work until 10pm Friday and Saturday nights and I’m usually exhausted so we went out Friday night for a drink and Saturday night we just stayed home and cuddled a lot which was nice. Sunday night we played guitar together for a couple hours after getting off work and I was wanting to initiate sex but was so tired. The last few months we’ve been having sex like 5 times a month? I know it’s different for everyone but this is low for us and too low for my enjoyment, frankly….

But I have changed my schedule a bit…I am taking my days off to be alone and then with my kids. So instead of having a day off with him I have scheduled both my days off to be when I have my kids. They are in school but I can pick them up right at 4 instead of 6 and being all stressed from traffic.
On my days off I’m going to yoga, gym, practicing piano and guitar, volunteering, reading, running errands. Want to learn how to sew….

So been doing this a few weeks now…
And it’s like he finally noticed today and asked me about it
Asked me when I was free
And I said pretty much the weekend nights after work and one night next week….he noted that I had wanted to not just hang out after work and I said yes that’s true but he has an album to finish on his days off and I have my things I want to do too so it seems best to keep our days off to ourselves except when we plan ahead for something like a little getaway we are going on in a week and a half.

So I haven’t seen him for 4 days now and we haven’t messaged much because both been busy but when we have, it’s been really pleasant.
So he asks me to go to a special event with him and his parents tomorrow night so that was nice and I said yes.
Then I was just assuming we’d do the usual…I kinda move in for the weekend…and he says he made plans to play music with his guy friend Saturday night at his place and I can come but he’s worried I’ll be bored…I declined.
I took time to reframe my thoughts. Cuz I instantly felt hurt and kinda upset. I reminded myself he does love me and misses me but he does want to see his friend he hardly ever sees.
So I felt ok and he was messaging me a lot and being sweet.

But I just felt like…kinda fake, like I’m playing a game? Like I’m not telling him how I’m feeling for fear he would accuse me of being needy.

And then I decided I’d be honest…
I texted I was looking forward to spending some time alone with you Saturday night but I get you haven’t hung out with this friend in awhile.
He replied Oh
I text- I just miss ya
He texts- I miss you too
I text—I like spending time alone with you and that’s not what tomorrow night is gonna be
He texts Oh
Then a minute later sends me a link to a political article

So guess that was the end of that conversation
I’m not even really upset…
It’s like…how hard would it be for him to say something like…Sunday night is our night or something? But whatever…
I just texted him I’m going to sleep now and he sends a heart
And after about 30 minutes sends a meme and a video

I need to know if I’m being a little unreasonable here in feeling annoyed…I mean on one hand, it’s late, he just got home from having a few drinks, he says he misses me….
On the other hand, I’m just like dude…idk…be sweeter and also, grow up..

Like I can just go to sleep, see him tomorrow after work and see how it goes….
This doesn’t have to be a thing…
If I make it a thing, it’ll probably backfire. Cuz it’s not about him hanging out with his friend so much. I thought I did a good job of addressing that in my own head…it’s about his reaction to me sharing my feelings…often from him it just feels like “shrug”

[Melissa M]

So Tuesday we were both off of work but both had separate plans. Very busy day so didn’t text much which is fine. He knew I had my kids that night. I decided last minute to have a few friends over to watch the debate. I invited him knowing he would not come. He texts me back, yeah we are having people over too, to watch the debates.

Why did I feel upset? So silly….I just felt…one:left out, but that’s not his doing. If I would not have had my kids then I would have been invited and been there…
Two: just felt like we haven’t seen each other much lately and i missed him.
So I texted him I was really missing him and he texted me back very sweetly saying he missed me too and was excited to see me Wednesday night.

So last night we hung out and I got to his house after work and he was cleaning his bathroom. (Score!) said he was doing it for me.
Then we had really nice night. Went on a long walk and held hands and came back to his place and had really nice, sweet sex. This morning he was very affectionate.
So things are going just fine. He’s being very sweet. He’s been really productive on his off days with his music. He has been selling gear so he has money.
I think I’m going to continue to try to relax…also continue to focus on me…made plans tonight to have a guitar lesson from a friend.
So I’ll keep you posted if things go south but i may log out for awhile.
Thank you so much for all your words of wisdom and guidance.

[Melissa M]

My cousin and I were friendly..many cousins ….she had cancer but he spread so fast. We were all shocked.

I see what you’re saying about the middle zone….
It’s just the whole jumping back in may not be an option….like if I leave him and then he doesn’t want to get back together…but I figure you’d say something like then you two aren’t strong enough to be together anyways….

[Melissa M]

Hi,
I did read this and have been letting it sit around in my mind.
It was difficult to read. Especially during an upswing. Especially this particular upswing where I continue to see the effort he’s making.
It’s not so relevant but I didn’t think I’d see him or even communicate much with him all week because of me having my kids every night but one and him working long days on recording.
Well Wednesday my cousin passed away so I was feeling down and he asked if I would come stay with him when I got off work at 10pm. He said he would wrap up early because he wanted to spend time with me. He texted me often throughout the day to check on me. After work he took me out for dinner (paid) and we went to his place and he gave me massage. It was a nice night. Thursday he was having a tough day recording. He wasn’t happy but we texted regularly. Friday he was supposed to be at the studio to start at 11 but he hadn’t slept at all the night prior so he took a morning nap and didn’t get to the studio until 2:00. His band mates weren’t so happy but they apparently got over it and worked until 3am to get it all finished. I flew out to Minneapolis yesterday to attend the funeral today. He hadn’t messaged me yet when the funeral started so I was thinking oh great…he’s not gonna get up on time for work…but I just turned my phone off and focused on my family. Afterwards I saw several messages from him asking me how I was doing and how it was going and he did say he was 15 minutes late to work. I asked him if he just overslept and he said yeah.
I just turned my phone off and focused on my family.
Obviously yeah…I can choose to be disappointed or just think—well that’s his problem…I don’t need to get worked up about it.

But yeah, I completely understand what you’re saying about my standards and triggers…..

I’m not sure how this will play out. I’m not gonna try to decide today…
I think right now I’m committed to focusing more on me, being prepared to take totally different steps if (when) the ice out comes again, focus on the things he’s doing right, and just see how it goes….

I am appreciative of what you are saying and processing it….

[Melissa M]

Hmmm I’m not sure how to answer that last question….I mean I want to feel loved, valued, appreciated, adored, and supported by him. Seems like a lot but also seems normal in any strong, healthy relationship.

I am successful in my career, have many loving friendships that I maintain, feel good in how I’m doing parenting, feel confident in how I look, feel good that I continue to try to learn new things and grow, but yes I seem to be looking for him to add something more. Like I said, lately I’ve seen him putting in the effort and I’ve tried to focus on the positive behind that but yeah, I’d like to not have this nagging feeling of it never being enough or anxiety around why can’t it just come more frequently and naturally….like it did when we were first together?
I understand completely those initial feelings don’t last at that intensity and we also went through some major trust issues so his feelings fluctuated for quite some time…I just wonder if I’m holding out for something that’s never gonna come and I’m gonna have to settle for scraps…
But that’s where the question keeps coming in, should I just focus on the positive, work on myself, and stay in the relationship?
Or should I leave (which I’ve obviously shown I don’t know how to do this yet) and try to find someone else that I don’t feel this stress with? Is that even possible because it’s my own stuff I need to solve first? And if I have a man I don’t feel that stress with, Will it just be like my ex husband where I don’t feel any passion?
When I think of it that way, it seems like I’m missing something that only I can fix on my own….

[Melissa M]

So I’m not entirely sure….
I know I’ve wanted to have control over what people thought of me since a very young age….
I didn’t have incapable adults around me growing up. I am an only child and have always been labeled “bossy” or as a know it all.
I have been successful in business due to these characteristics but it has not been healthy in my romantic life.

I think the best way to describe it is an anxious feeling. I feel stressed. I control it, of course, lol. I focus on other things or projects. But my body gets tense. My neck gets tight. I make a lot of lists…

I just find it such a waste of time though when I can’t get myself to refocus…instead of reading or practicing piano after my kids went to bed last night, here I am making lists and planning out my calendar for the next month….just so I can feel I will have control over spending time with my bf when I’m feeling anxious about us spending time apart.

I’d like to be able to relax and be ok with going a week without seeing him or talking much….especially considering I know exactly what he’s doing and who he is with….I have nothing to worry about. And he’s doing something he loves so I just want to feel happy for him!

Do I feel like because I’m not included, it’s another reason for him to love me less? Maybe that’s it….that just feels so lame and selfish…..
I want to make sure I make no mistakes this week. I know he’s not going to be available to talk/text much at all and I need to be positive and supportive and happy for him.

So maybe my need to be in control is partly due to my lack of core confidence again…

Most people perceive me to be confident and to have it all together….

And once again….I often wonder is this all me? I haven’t had this much trouble in any other relationship…

But for now, I gotta focus on me…

[Author]

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