[Melissa M]

Also, I know if I told him he knows how to play the victim well, he’d say—well I am a victim……
As in I’ve been the perpetrator of so many bad things that he’s been on the receiving end of….

[Melissa M]

I know you are right.
Yes, I suppose if I’m going to stay I should just plan on going with the flow.

[Melissa M]

The cake analogy made me laugh. It’s so true. One of the frustrating things about this is that I am wanting/willing to discuss some of the things he’s still distrustful about but we only spend a few nights together a week and I’ve not felt I’ve had a good opportunity the last few weeks to bring it up. Like for example I thought last night would be the night but when I arrive at the place he’s house sitting, his brother is also there. That happened last Friday too.
He seems to be the one who just wants to act like everything is normal now again. Especially since he got his money.
So everything you’re saying is spot on. I’m just not sure yet how I’m going to proceed.

[Melissa M]

I didn’t cheat on him but I did tell him a few things that were not true in the beginning of our relationship. And since then he questions a lot of things I say….which I can understand….so I try to be patient and understand my actions are what have caused him to react like this.
I think in the beginning he was curious but since he doesn’t trust me he’s not so much anymore.
Totally agree with you on the putting up with him being my choice…

Things went even further south Tuesday afternoon…
This is all via text because we live about 45 minutes apart and don’t see each other half the week typically—
he asked to borrow money again and said he was broke because he had skipped work 2 days in a row a few weeks ago after we had gotten in a huge argument and he fell into a depression hole for a few days straight. So basically he wanted me to financially compensate him for being in emotional pain over our argument. I said I did not agree that I was responsible but at this point it doesn’t really matter what I think because I know if I don’t send you the money you’ll stop talking to me and so you have that power over me right now. He said I’m a narcissist and have no empathy for him or others and that he thinks every day what a mistake he’s made being with me and how it makes him miserable.

So I said it’s time to part ways. You’re obviously in an unhealthy place.
I sent him $200 and just asked how I could get my dog back the next day.

So he’s like what was the original plan and I’m like for me to pick him up after work but since we are parting ways I don’t want to drive to the place you’re house sitting, etc

He’s like-we’re parting ways?
I’m like don’t you think that’s what is best? Based on what you said?
And he texts back Nope

Sigh

So I go to pick up my dog last night after work and he’s just…acting like normal…suggested we get dinner and watch our show…I was starving and exhausted and was like ok so we ate and chatted like normal and I fell asleep and a few hours later he came to bed and woke me up kissing me and we had sex which we hadn’t kissed deeply or made love for weeks so of course it felt good but I’m not dense so I know it doesn’t mean everything is fine now. The whole thing is confusing but ultimately yes, you’re right…i could be the one to end it and probably should be the one….

[Melissa M]

Yes, I can read his body language pretty well and I know not to initiate more than I have because it will make him feel uncomfortable. Yes, there are a couple of elephants in the room–one big one–it is the thing that came up a couple of weeks ago and we have not addressed it again since and we need to. I’m not sure what would happen if I brought it up again right now…I was trying to let some more time pass and let us get comfortable around each other again, maybe rebuild some good feelings before diving right back into that topic……yes, it does delay the inevitable but there just hasn’t been a good time to bring it up again yet since he was sick. I sort of touched on it sunday. He asked to borrow money from me until he gets paid friday. Something he has not done in almost 3 years…we had eliminated that dynamic from our relationship. I told him I needed to think about it because I don’t feel good when I lend him money because I conflate his sweetness with the need for the money and second guess his intentions…and I was already feeling like he didn’t want to be around me over the weekend and was only agreeing to it because of our dog….he said: You think I don’t want to be around you or can’t you see I want to be absolutely focused because I have this unique opportunity? (he’s referring to house sitting a home with a music studio where he can get a lot of work done over the next few weeks while he stays there)

I replied and said–I totally get the house sitting thing and support it and I’d already planned on adjusting by staying home more and getting a dog sitter….I said you housesitting is not what is giving me that feeling….

but he was texting at the same time saying….forget I asked for the money….and I think I can sense your insecurity and it just makes things worse/it ruins our time together

so I said alright

I was disappointed he wasn’t the least curious of what I meant when I said it’s not about you housesitting…I wanted to say it’s about your body language…..

and then a bit later he said I’m sorry, I love you

we texted briefly about something neutral after that and then I stopped replying because I just wanted to disconnect and it was already like 8:30 pm so I just did some things around my house and went to bed early. I did reply to him in the morning that I had gone to bed early….but he didn’t message me and I did not message him all day….finally around 8pm Monday night I said hi and around 11pm he finally replied but didn’t say much at all.

Today we messaged a bit, a bit more normally but he’s at work and I’m busy so I’m not sure what he’s feeling….I have no idea if he was busy and productive yesterday in the studio or if he was depressed all day…and if he was depressed-I don’t know if it was about me or money….he’s not saying much….I have plans to drop our dog off with him tomorrow on my way to work and see him after work so I figure I need to just not ask a lot via text and it would be better to talk in person tomorrow….

How do I feel? I don’t even know….sometimes I feel like a walking zombie…sometimes anxious….pretty tired….
Sometimes I’m like….we’ve been here before….things will get better…just need to give it some time and in the meantime focus on myself and try to be positive….sometimes I feel like…this time is pretty bad…even though we are going through the motions right now, something is probably going to come to a head some day soon and I need to prepare for a break up….

I’m the one walking on eggshells and seemingly waiting…and being patient through his constantly fluctuating feelings.
the things is….I just feel like…well this is the treatment I deserve? The elephant in the room topic…it’s something that I caused…it’s pretty bad….and I understand he does not trust me for one and secondly, he may be staying with me for all the wrong reasons….

It’s hard for sure…it’s affecting my self esteem, that’s for sure….
and it’s looking too far into the future but it’s like….will I ever feel comfortable saying..hey, I deserve better treatment…or will I always feel I have to just pay for my mistakes of the past? Like I have to put up with his fluctuating feelings and behaviors and attention because the things I did in the past have caused him to feel/act this way…..

• This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by Melissa M.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by Melissa M.

[Melissa M]

I’m still kind of processing your thoughts on the other woman….I’m sure you have a good point. He does bring up that he needs to seek help and he does read some self help type stuff. I’m not sure though, that he has any idea of what other steps to take to work on himself. I spent some time away from him last week and focused on other things. We hung out over the weekend and it was ok….he brought up something about someone at work and I said oh, is that your friend’s boss? like actually asking for clarification, not trying to be snarky. And he said…yeah, but that’s not the point of the story and by the way-I don’t talk to her anymore.

So I felt like….idk….a lot of emotions….relief, a bit of disbelief, weird about it….
I went home Monday after work only to get messages from him that night that he was very sick. He had salmonella. So I ended up dropping everything and going over there to take care of him Monday night/Tuesday night. He kept saying he was sorry and that he loved me but I was like just thinking….that’s the fever talking….I was concerned about him and wanted to make sure he was ok though.

now that he’s feeling better, we hung out last night and everything just feels very very tentative…like we’re just around each other less and we aren’t really physical. We rub each other’s necks, touch each other on the arm, etc but we aren’t kissing really or anything. He’s house sitting for a friend for a few weeks and it’s really throwing me out of our regular routine so I told him I think I’d stay at my own home more over the next few weeks while he is there.

I’m really busy at work right now and frankly really worn out. I feel very physically tired and kind of emotionally hollow…..

I know we have some things we still need to talk about that are pretty serious but I’m not sure when to bring it up…like it seems like right now he doesn’t want to do that…like he just wants to try to focus on his own stuff for awhile and if I’m around then we’ll see how it goes then….

I kinda feel like this time does feel different yet familiar…we’ve been here before even if this time is more severe…..I feel like in the past what has worked is when I just try to focus on taking care of my own needs and when I’m around him just be loving and positive towards him. And be willing to not spend so much time together…like give him some space to focus on his own projects that make him feel good and more positive.

So yeah, in limbo in a sense….but also can still focus on myself and learn how to sit in these uncomfortable moments without being so pushy for an immediate solution.

[Melissa M]

Hello,
So few things….we went to the concert friday night and had a good time. I just decided to enjoy the moment.
Saturday after he got off work we went on a walk and I asked him about this other woman. He said–I started talking to her at work and we quickly realized we share the same sort of adhd/depression issues and I felt like oh, this person gets me. He said she said to him, we should hang out sometime and he said–yeah, that would be cool but I want to be up front and let you know I am in a relationship and she said, cool, I just want to be friends. So I confessed I read some of their messages. He was very quick to forgive me….he said he should have told me he hung out with her. I told him I was very uncomfortable he doesn’t mention me at all to her and he kind of blew it off, saying she knows he has a gf.
He said he was disappointed in me when he was in his depression hole Sunday through tuesday because he doesn’t think I’ve made enough effort to figure him out….I told him I’ve spend so much time on that actually and it negatively effects me…like my health…so what I’ve learned is to be present (via text) and offer support but not be too pushy because he usually just needs space and then decides he is fine again eventually.

I think we stay together for a few reasons–1. we genuinely enjoy each other’s company. and like I said we had a solid/great couple years so during that peaceful time there did not seem a reason to break up anymore. 2. we both lack self esteem and self respect. We both have put up with a lot of shit from each other over the years yet neither of us have drawn the line and just left the other one

I think when we have these moments…where we relapse into such toxic behaviors in an intense argument–we both really question that second point…like we kind of hate ourselves for not being strong enough to move on from each other.

Kind of messed up, huh? Like I said….great couple years….but these last few months have felt like 2019 all over again.

I feel very depressed. I feel like we made soooo much progress but like I said…did we really….because we were living in an alternate pandemic life reality….
Now I feel like….do we have the tools to work on ourselves and stay together? Do I even want to try due to the fact I’m still upset about this friendship he started in secret….but the thought of breaking up gives me A LOT of anxiety.

I know after this holiday weekend I am going to look into starting therapy. I am going to start planning on some more time to focus on myself. But outside of that I’m not sure how I am going to cope with this recent information.

side note, I do believe in healthy relationships. I just see that during the pandemic so many things that caused stress were actually removed for us so it made it very easy for us to live a comfortable, easy going life. Not that disagreements never arose…but when they did, we did a better job of communicating through them then we have been doing the last few months.

[Melissa M]

also, in regards to me saying–i wish you could communicate to me in a more emotionally mature way when you’re upset and him responding saying the solution is him to respond more favorably….sigh… does he have a point? no, it isn’t a solution for him to respond more favorably but we’d probably work towards a solution faster if we did communicate this way instead…..also does he even want to work towards a solution or is he just angry? like is this all just a pointless vicious cycle because he doesn’t even trust me so his anger just gets triggered by that?

[Melissa M]

Hello,
well here I am again. Hopefully you’re not rolling your eyes and feeling weary of me. I know I’m rolling my eyes and feeling weary of myself. like usual, this will be a long post…..
So it’s been an interesting month. I have been going to a therapist and I don’t know I’m any closer to finding root causes but we’ve definitely identified some issues I have with self worth and a search for identity and coping mechanisms and strategies for the behaviors they drive.

So for a few weeks after I last posted here, things were going really well again. I did not bring up lack of sex and just continued to be affectionate towards him without initiating and he started initiating more frequently after about a week. He was being affectionate in general and we would hang out after I got off work and cook, take walks, watch movies, etc. There was one day I thought was kinda weird that I didn’t hear from him until about 5pm which is unusual for him but as you know not totally out of character. He said he was playing drums all day after sleeping in late. I stayed with him the next night and everything was normal/sweet so I never made it an issue at all.

So on the 24th I asked him if he wanted to go with me to look at a 6 month old puppy I was considering adopting. We’ve been talking about me getting a dog for a long time and how he would help. Especially with him not working right now, he can keep the dog while I’m at work. So we fell in love with the dog and took him home that night. We went and bought a bunch of things the next day and the next day he watched him while I was at work and we were doing a lot of laughing and doting over him together.

Around this time is when the riots started occurring. We’re both pretty active in promoting civil rights. My guy is a poc, not african american, and I’m white. We agree on mostly all of the aspects of the protests/looting and we were sharing a lot of videos, posts about it while this was evolving. He attended a protest march and I supported him doing so and asked to hear about it. Also during this time, we were planning a trip to go camping. So I’m working–and work is a little stressful because of covid and the looting and we had to board up and close a few days and just being concerned about the stance my company is taking on the issues and concern for the safety of my employees. I would vent a bit to my guy and he was understanding and responsive when I would talk about concern for employees and our safety staying open in an area that was a target and when we did decide to close, he was happy and said come over on your way to get your kids and give me a hug.

so our camping trip was planned for june 3-5. I pretty much told him–i’d like you to plan this trip. figure out where we are going, make a list of what to pack, etc. because I’m kinda overwhelmed with work, my kids, a new puppy. I told him I thought I could borrow most of what we needed for the trip (like a tent, water jug, lantern, etc) from a friend. He sent me a couple of links to some other ideas saying if we ordered now (the 31st) we wouldn’t get the items in time. I said well I can just go to the store and but it there (REI). Oh and before all this he hasn’t texted me yet at all and it’s like 3:30 in the afternoon and I get a text of him saying–can you send me some money for the supplies i bought for the trip? I didn’t reply because I was annoyed. He texted me again saying–I’m sorry. I hadn’t read anything you had sent yet because I was driving to get some food so I’m sorry that’s the first text you got from me. So a couple of hours later I text–how much money do you need? I don’t think he ever saw that text. He never replied. He replied to other things.

so in regards to money. He still hasn’t received any unemployment so he just had to borrow money from his parents to pay rent and he’s still overdrawn. the unemployment office did screw up is application so not his fault but he also hasn’t done any additional research on how to get this solved and has not been tenacious in calling. I know I don’t have first hand experience with how stressful and frustrating this must be and I have asked a few times if he’s tried to call but I have not said much about it as I’ve tried to stay out of it.

So Monday I tell him in the afternoon, I’m going to go to REI and pick up all the supplies and come over. He had sent me a packing list. So I picked us up some dinner to and went over. Well REI was closed (incorrect hours on google) so I couldn’t pick everything up I’d ordered. No big deal. I’d just go the next day. So I suggest we go pick up the items the next day and go have lunch at his parents house because they live near by and wanted to see the puppy. So we get to Rei and they were closed due to potential looting. Well how would we know this would happen? So i felt really stressed and was like oh no, if we can’t get this stuff we won’t be able to go. but then I quickly pivoted and said–there are other stores–sporting goods stores, etc–this isn’t that big of a deal. we can go pick up the stuff elsewhere.

Well he lost his shit. He was furious. I don’t remember all his words but he said I lacked planning but then said I had asked him to plan this trip but ignored the messages he sent about it. I tried to say– I wanted you to plan the actual trip–like where to go, how to get there, what trails to hike, not be responsible for the supplies! And what’s the big deal? we’ll just go buy the items somewhere else. So he’s so angry and we go to my apartment to pick up some things and then order lunch to take to his parents and on the way to pick it up he’s not speaking to me–like literally ignoring me when I ask him a question–so rude. And I’m like I don’t think your reaction is proportionate to the situation. And he went off saying I didn’t communicate well if I was mad at him for asking for money and that I never responded. I was like yeah i was annoyed actually but I did respond…and he’s like–I could have ordered all this stuff and had it ready to go but I didn’t want to ask you for the money because you never responded to the first time I asked. but I did……. so he goes in to get the food. and we are headed to his parents and I’m like so we are going to do this? go to your parents? are we going to act normal?
He then proceeds to punch the steering wheel and punch his own chin. I have tears streaming down my face. we pull up to his parents and he hops out and runs inside. His mom is in the front yard and comes over to the car and asks me what’s wrong and I say he’s upset because REI was closed basically and she’s like that’s not your fault! we go in and we set up the lunch outside and we have normal lunch and he gets me a drink and is talking to me like normal. so when we leave the mood is way lighter and I say–what do you want to do? and he says I guess go to this local outdoors gear place so we go and buy all the stuff and have a fun time picking it out and head home and go on a walk and talk about the trails he researched.

So in the morning we get up and pack up the car and things are going fine but I do feel a little wary. I had been thinking maybe after this trip, I need a break. and then I was thinking–maybe we shouldn’t go on this trip…..but I was like here we are, car all packed up. So the 5 hour drive went fine and then we got to the woods and found a campsite. it was a little rough but we did it. we set up camp and hauled our supplies and at one point or two he seemed curt with me but I know he was feeling stressed about potential poison ivy in the area and his inability to start a fire. I never complained! I was being chipper. I made us sandwiches instead for dinner and we ate and went to bed. In the morning we packed up and went just about 20 minutes away to a much cooler area that he wished he had known was closer the night before. but no big deal, now we had found it. we bought firewood so it’d be for sure dry, and set up camp. we went on a nice hike. I wasn’t talking much because I was hot and tired and still kinda feeling weird about him but it was pleasant, i thought. after that we went to the beach and went swimming and then we went to our campsite and they had showers which we were excited about and then we made a fire and I helped cook the dinner and we ate and had fun. we slept well and in the morning had a big breakfast over fire. he was doing a lot of work and I would offer to help but not always capable or I was also trying to walk the puppy so I”m not sure if my guy was annoyed with me or not….we went on a hike and it was sooooo hot out. Also there were a lot of ticks in the area that made us kinda nervous about dealing with taking off the puppy. so we didn’t go for as long as we normally would but we went about 3.5 miles and it was nice. we left to drive home and my guy seemed really stressed out about the gear and the ticks, etc. he was so tired when driving so I took over. He was being quiet and not saying much.
we get home and we had discussed giving puppy a bath as he stunk, then unpacking and throwing laundry in. It was like 11:30pm and we were exhausted and I was supposed to work at 8 the next morning. so we get the dog in the bathtub and my guy is being short with me. at one point he slams the bathroom door when we finish. and I mutter under my breath–asshole.

so in his room, I say to him–why are you being so rude and short towards me?
He says You’re a shitty conversationalist.
(Now, this felt so painful to hear. I’m an avid reader and usually bring a lot of interesting topics to the table to discuss and I was actually feeling insecure in the car ride about how I hadn’t had time lately to read and felt like I did not have anything interesting to discuss.)
so I was mad and defensive.
He was like–all you do is blather on about work and I’m not interested in it.
and he says–sometimes you have a fake laugh I can’t stand
(rude and not even true. I know he’s not interested so I try to edit my discussion of it and the laugh thing–idk but just mean)
He says–I try to bring up things I want to talk about and you don’t respond or you give one word responses.
I”m like–can you give an example? of course he can’t.
I’m like–maybe not every single thing you say warrants some big long response? IDK! you can’t even tell me what this is about. and you were such a jerk to me on tuesday that yeah, I’ve still been thinking of that and didn’t even know if we should go on this trip so yeah, I’ve been kinda quiet.
and I say–you saying that to me blathering on is so rude and mean! I don’t criticize you like that. and he says–you think I”m lazy. I say–I’ve never said that! he says–you have said it one way or another in the past years.

so then he had tears in his eyes and was like–you don’t care about the things I want to talk about. You don’t care.
so then I was like oh no, oh no, I do, I do. I’m not sure what you mean though. I need help understanding. I don’t want you to feel I don’t care. I’m sorry.

well it was too late. He was like–get out. I’m tired of your bullshit. I don’t want to hear your bullshit any more.

so he goes to my car and pulls out the stuff that’s his and I’m like can we please just talk about this? and he’s like no. so I leave. I live 35 minutes away with no traffic….I”m exhausted. It’s like 12:30 and I still have to get home, shower, unpack my car, try to get the dog to go the bathroom. I”m so upset.
he texts me about 15 minutes later and says–if you wanna come back, come back. I’ll look over you two for ticks.
So I was like No, I”m almost home and I’m exhausted.
so I get home and I send him a screen shot of how I did respond to his request for money on sunday.
then I say–when you get upset with me, I wish you could say to me I feel_______when you_______
and then we could move towards a solution together.
and I told him he hit a really soft spot with the shitty conversationalist comment and why–trying to show him my vulnerability. and then I said, you saying you don’t want to hear my bullshit once again shows how you aren’t over the past and don’t trust me.

he replies–yeah me not trusting you is deeply embedded into our relationship and you know it.
then says–
so the solution is for me to be coached to react more favorably when things you do cause me to not feel good! I’m so sorry i forgot my place in this world!
so i reply–no…..but how can we work towards a solution with just an angry attack? Neither of us should do that. I wish you could believe that Melissa doesn’t want to do things that make me feel bad, i know she loves me and I don’t want to hurt her so let me talk to her about how I’m feeling so we can fix this negative feeling I’m having.

he says–So I have to manage my expression of my feelings so it’s easier for you to manage. feelings that were never too important to consider in the first place. feelings that only mean you are being offended by me being rude.
and then he said– I don’t think you love me.
I said well that’s a problem.
and he says–kinda feels like the remaining embers.
a feeling that is a reaction to information.
So that pretty much ends the conversation. this was saturday morning at about 1:30 am
so I didn’t go to work saturday because he was supposed to watch the puppy and I was exhausted. So I took the day to sleep in and clean up my car, and unpack, got my kids in the afternoon and focused on them. Didn’t hear from him all day. Now it’s Sunday afternoon so it’s only been a day and a half. I’m doing ok. I feel a little anxious but I’m remembering the roller coaster and how he often comes back around and also telling myself maybe this is FINALLLY it and I can survive that too. It will hurt but I can survive it, I can…..

So here I am. I don’t know really what to do…..I know I need some time/space too. I don’t want to message him….I don’t want to start any dialogue until he’s actually ready and if he’s ready he’ll probably say something himself first. Of course that kinda makes me feel I”m in a waiting position. I’m staying busy but do have some anxiety so thought it’d help to release the whole story here….trying to remember I’ve felt this way before with him and have gotten through it. This time may take longer and that’s ok.

I’m in a tough spot with the puppy. He’ll be with me today and tomorrow and my kids can watch him two days I work and then he’s going to get fixed on Thursday….so I need someone to watch him friday when I work….I figure if my guy and I still haven’t talked by thursday, I could ask him if he’d watch him Friday…..or I can try to find someone else….

part of me wants to reach out and say hey–I do love you and I do care about what you have to say and I don’t want to try to explain away why I may have not been showing enough interest lately but I have had a lot going on….and I’d hope you could show me patience and just tell me how you feel?

I know he’s stressed about money. I know he’s stressed out about the world at large. I know he has stuff going on his head….

I reread all of our texts from the last couple of weeks and I don’t see anywhere I’m ignoring him or not responding to him at all…..i don’t know for sure when I’ve done this….I can certainly now try to engage more though if he gives me the opportunity.

yeah so I guess like usual I’m torn–text him? leave him alone, let him come to me? leave him alone forever finally?

thanks for reading.

[Melissa M]

Hello ladies,
i’ve been meaning to log on with updates but I honestly get in bed at night and collapse. I have been sleeping like a rock.

so I have to say….I feel embarrassed….here I am. Again. Still dealing with similar things I typed out in my first few posts here 6 months ago and frankly not in this thread but when I was here last summer. A lot has changed but a lot has not.
Rereading through these has been yet another wake up call. I really hope it sticks this time.

so my last post was about feeling needy….and I got the advice I’ve gotten several times and when I remember to take that advice, things go just fine. However….when I start listening to different advice from other sources then I get really really confused. This has happened basically every other month for a whole year now. Here I hear–focus on the positive, show him how you appreciate him for what he does right and he’ll do more of that, and focus on making myself happy and owning that. Correct? If I’m going to stay with him then I need to do these things.

But then I also hear from elsewhere–have standards. Communicate your standards.

So I mentioned we were supposed to hang out sunday. I had told him I was available sunday but he doesn’t ever remember that kind of thing. (opportunity 1 for me to either get offended–he doesn’t care to remember OR for me to reframe my thoughts–he’s a flake, it’s him, not me. he knows I will make things happen so he doesn’t have to, no big deal)

so around noon we are texting and I make a comment about seeing him later and he basically acts surprised because he forgot I was coming over and then he said he hadn’t been very productive the last 4 days I hadn’t been around and he wanted to get some stuff done and he said, not that I don’t want to be with you too but I wanted to get focused today.

well opportunity two–i could say–this is him, not me–he is a flake and doesn’t plan his time well. He just operates differently and doesn’t think ahead. Or I could get angry and hurt and think–ok so he wasted 4 days but the day I’m available, he wants to get focused? and I wasn’t even going to come over until 7 so he would have 7 hours to work and I leave work in the morning so he would have the entire next day as well…..oh, and he’s not even asking me when I”m free again after tonight–and I”m not free the next two nights so at that point it’ll be about 8 days since we’ve been together and that’s pretty rare for us.

So guess what I did?

fail.

I said–go ahead and do your own thing. It’s fine.

but of course that’s not what I was really thinking.

And he immediately was like….it’s ok…come over around 7, we’ll cook together and go on a walk. 7 hours is plenty of time for me to get some stuff done. I should have been like–GREAT! Thank you! I’m so glad you want me to come over because I miss you and love you and I’d hate to go 3 more days before I can see you again.

Whyyyyyyyy didn’t I say THAT?!

But I was like….it’s ok, I’d rather come over when you’re excited to see me.
And he called me out on that comment. Said–that seems slightly controlling but ok.
So of course I went into how I was feeling–bummed that he wasn’t going to be available the one time I was in a week to hang out and it’s because he didn’t do anything with his time the last 4-5 days?
….and as you can imagine that didn’t go over well.
He was upset, said I wasn’t being understanding or considering his needs, just wanted things to go my way and called me selfish. Said I wasn’t considering his emotions before mine.

Then he said he missed me all week and I asked how would I know that? Because he never told me that….we don’t text much when we’re apart…which again, I am ok with, I’m busy with my kids, but it’s not like he ever sent anything saying I miss you, I can’t wait to see you, etc….
he said he doesn’t feel what he does is ever good enough.
I said i didn’t want to argue anymore over text because it never goes well. a lot is lost in translation and I don’t want him to feel he’s not good enough because I do love him and appreciate all the sweetness he expresses but this particular conversation got me upset because I wasn’t feeling valued or important or desired. So I said, let’s just take a break from texting and focus on our own days.
so a few hours later he texts saying I love you and I was busy with the kids so didn’t respond and then couple more hours he texts saying I hope you are having a great day.
So after I took the kids to their father’s I texted him back and said I should not have reacted the way I did and that I was sorry.
He also apologized and said he wished he would have handled things differently and that he didn’t get much sleep the night before and was thinking out loud and sure enough he was burnt out on working on his project around 7pm and I could be arriving and he would have been ready to hang out and it would have been nice but we just got into this mode again and so it didn’t happen. Well I didn’t say much and fell asleep early but then woke in the middle of the night to more messages from him saying he wished we were cuddling and it sucks we fought.
Well I responded by basically saying…yeah…and I still feel frustrated….well in the morning when I woke up I regretted saying that and tried to recall it but could not and I told him I tried to recall it.
So in the morning he reads that and is upset all over again with me.
He then says he doesn’t think I’m a good person. He thinks I”m acting like a child. He then asks me if I’ve ever cheated on him. (?!) Then he says maybe I should just go ahead and cheat on him.

So I say, I get it that you don’t trust me and I get your frustration with me. We both still have a lot of growing to do. And I agree, I need to work on not being so controlling or demanding. And I said, that being said, the things you are saying are out of line and I don’t want to text anymore. If you want to meet in person tonight and talk to me from a place of love, then I will.
So he responds within the hour saying Sorry I didn’t respond calmly. I love you. Yes, let’s meet.

So I went over and we went on this looooong walk and talked. and I said–we have trust issues and frankly because we have trust issues–he doesn’t trust me–he has so much anger he directs towards me and it comes out in arguments. And it also “comes out” by the way he withholds himself from me. And I hold onto all that and stew on it and worry about it and let it drive me crazy with worry about it. And this isn’t even mentioning all the other issues we have going on……but I feel this is a major “root” of our conflict. And I basically said–why would you want to be in a relationship with a person you think is not a good person?! And he said–because I love you.

I said, I”m worried you have so many of your own self worth issues that causes you to stay with someone (me) that you frankly can’t even articulate why you still love but you can articulate why you think is a shitty person…..
And then I said, and I worry you are correct in the fact that I am selfish…I”m selfish for holding on to you when you could be alone and growing as a person or with someone that you actually respect and trust….
And he said, well you wouldn’t be the type to leave the relationship for that reason.
(!!!)
So I said, well I think that’s what should be done at this point….
so we walked home in silence holding hands. and when we got to his place, he said, are you staying here, it’s late and you work early and you have so much stuff here. I said, we’ll figure out the stuff later and that I was going to go home. He said, please just stay. So we got into bed and just went to sleep and he reached over to me several times throughout the night to hold me. I left early for work and didn’t respond to his conversational messages all day but to say I was busy. So a few days go by and he’s been messaging me often saying he misses me and I love you and I”m not saying much.

I”m at work yesterday and he messages me asking what I’m doing after work and I say I don’t have plans, probably go home and read. He asks if I will come over as he’s fixed some jewelry of mine for me. Says he is cooking my favorite dinner and bought my favorite ice cream. So I go over and we eat and laugh and go on a nice walk. I”m feeling confused but happy. We end up in his bed and start to have foreplay. Then after some fooling around he says he continues to struggle with low libido and doesn’t feel up for having sex at the moment. I say that’s ok….I mean…should we even be doing this anyways? Are we going to try to work things out yet again? I feel I’m being weak…and he says he knows he is strong willed and he knows I know that too and that if he wasn’t happy, he’d just leave the relationship. He says he is happy, the happiest he’s ever been besides those very first couple months after meeting, but he just feels it’s inevitable based on our history that there will be days like we had last week.

So we fell asleep and he was very affectionate this morning when we woke and made me breakfast and fixed something on my car and we went on a scooter ride and went on a walk and then my car went to the shop so he gave me a ride home which is a 45 min drive and he kept holding my hand and hugged me goodbye for a long time. He’s been texting me tonight saying he wants to cook again with me later this week when I”m free and that he already misses me.

So that is the update.
So that is a lot!
Like usual from me.

One side note –regarding his low libido….I get it happens. especially to guys that suffer from depression…but 1. he said it in february and then in March we had the most sex we’ve had in months and he seemed to be really enjoying it. 2. He hasn’t seemed depressed much lately–he’s not working at a job he hates that stressed him out so he gets to spend all his time doing what he wants to do 3. obviously I could really mess things up by fixating on this. It plays right into existing issues….my insecurities and him thinking he’s never enough for me so I’m not going to bring it up or anything for at least 2 more weeks–minimum. And even then, I don’t know how that would go….I’d just be curious if he was seeking information out about it.

Alright–I’m ready to hear the things I have already heard before and should have listened to again.
I have committed to going to therapy personally. Made my first appointment for next week.
I have committed to no deep thoughts over text.
I have committed to keeping a journal.

Ok, lay it on me. I’m ready.

[Melissa M]

I guess I’m not sure what you mean…I wasn’t bothered by him sleeping until noon…he has no reason to get up early now…he likes to work late into the night often so many days he will sleep in and I don’t care…most days he’s up by 8 or 9. I just stated it in regards to that day because he really can be moody upon waking up and waiting for his migraine meds to kick in so that did not help our dynamic that day.
As far his unemployment, I just let him figure it out. Yeah, the comments he was making were rude. Those were a trigger for me to say—I don’t know that I want to be around you right now. That’s not me judging him for any life choices…just didn’t want to interact any more when he clearly needed more time to get out of a bad mood.
I’ve been happy with his general life choices…I guess I thought I communicated that….I freaked out thinking he wouldn’t be proactive about work but I did that when he was still getting paid…I didn’t give him a chance to wait until he stopped getting paid and file for unemployment..that was wrong. The trigger was me thinking I could jump in with a solution since I didn’t see him proactively doing any research.
Other than that, like I said, I’ve been happy—he cooks, he cleans, gardens, fixes my stuff, we go on hikes/walks, he is almost done with his album, he reads a lot…no judging or complaining on his day to day….even for the month and a half before quarantine too….

[Melissa M]

Oh hmmm…did I give off that vibe?
I actually have been fine with his choices of his life. Even before quarantine, he was being responsible with work, money, etc…
I do think it’s better he file for unemployment—then he can use the time working on music, we don’t have to work together and he doesn’t have to experience anxiety about going to work. And like I noted, he’s been really productive during his time off and even doing more for me—cooking for me, fixing things for me, etc….

The control moment of putting him on the schedule was a freak out moment on my part really not knowing much about unemployment or the stimulus package or what he’d qualify for…but it all worked out….

[Melissa M]

Hi,
Good questions…I think things got better for a couple months because I tried to focus on what I’ve learned here. I tried to focus on my own endeavors, not get so wrapped up in his decision making—remain neutral and uninvolved unless asked, continued to keep money out of the equation, didn’t get overly emotional if he was in a bad mood, tried being more direct when he was in a bad mood to let him know I was finding him difficult and I want to be there for him but I needed to take care of myself (more on that in a moment). I think also what helped was the conversation about our sex life…him telling me he didn’t think I had been a good listener as of late in bed…and communicating his libido in general has been low. I communicated I wanted more romance, sweetness, passion. It was a good conversation and after that we actually started having quite a bit more sex that was good sex too.

So then all this mess with quarantine and work/unemployment. I clearly felt panicked and regressed. I definitely regretted it. He did end up waking up and responding to me right away saying, thank you for communicating and I know you were just trying to give me options and I know you care and had good intentions and I love you. So that was nice and I felt we moved on from it….

So couple days later he files for unemployment and I don’t get involved…I told him I don’t know much about the process and he needs to do his own research. I think he was feeling pretty stressed out. The next day I came over for lunch and he was just waking up around noon. Recently he has shifted to keeping more regular hours and being productive in his endeavors during the day so I was kind of surprised but didn’t think much of it. He was needing his migraine meds to kick in and we were sitting on his bed chatting and I said something about a mutual friend that filed for unemployment and he said I had given him bad info from that friend? I was like hmmm I probably just told you what she said but not passing it on as info technically….anyways this became a silly back and forth point of contention. So I said I don’t know that I want to be here right now. I was simply going to go to the kitchen and make my lunch and head back to work. Well he flipped out. Yelled —just leave then and don’t come back.
I just looked at him like the angry, wounded person he can be. A person that really hasn’t learned how to regulate their emotions yet even though there has been improvement…
So I just felt open hearted towards him…I said very softly and calmly—we don’t have to do this…I just said that because I read your tone and body language as getting upset with me and I was feeling upset by that. Let’s start over. (Now I totally expected this would work as we haven’t been arguing as of late and like I said, he’s been really responsive before we have even got to this type of point lately)
But he wasn’t having it. He was like Get out. Called me some name I can’t remember but I just was so angry! I threw my backpack at him forgetting it had my laptop in it so it was heavy. He got up and stormed out muttering mean things on the way. I left and went home.
Of course as always…not too much later he’s messaging me…saying he just needed some space…says I should not have thrown the backpack (yes, I had already acknowledged this) and he never apologizes.
Well at this point I’m thinking..let me just take a few days away from him….do me some good to refocus and think. I’m sooooo disappointed that we fell back into that…that moment was awful and unnecessary. I think he owes me an apology but mostly I’m beating myself up over how it all unfolded….

So I get terrible news that night one of my best friends has suddenly died of a heart attack. My guy is messaging me so I tell him and he asks me if I want to be alone or if I want company. I told him I just wanted to go to bed. The next day I go to work and go home. He’s messaging me asking why I didn’t come over since originally i was staying the whole week there. I said I just wanted to go home. He says-why you gotta be this way? And he wants to be there for me. I said I just wanted to be alone. Then I was with my kids a few nights so we messaged in a nice way and I did tell him I was so disappointed in that moment and I hated us sometimes. And he said he mostly loves us and let’s move on.

So I go back to work and staying with him for the stretch my ex has the kids the next week and we are pretty much the same…having nice time together and he’s being sweet. We made love once over the course of 5 days and I did feel frustrated by that but we were really tired each night from going on runs and building a birdhouse. On the day I left to go back to my place for a stretch, he walked me to the door early in the morning which is unusual and was affectionate and sweet.
We’ve been sparsely messaging which I’m ok with because I stay focused on my kids and he knows this. But it’s been pleasant when we do text.

So I guess I could see him again Sunday late afternoon.
I’m trying to not overthink things but also strike a balance and not hide from my feelings either…
Obviously it’s a weird time….

I feel I listened to him when we talked about sex…and I met his needs. And I feel like he just sort of listened to me…he’s been sweet, we started having more sex..I should be happy…and I was….
This last week…it was just a week…it’s not a big deal that we only had sex once. And maybe he’s just not capable of being more romantic/passionate right now…
He seems pretty happy to not be working and being able to focus on music but I know he has stresses.
He has been pretty sweet and affectionate. I feel I’m probably being needy….I’m just not sure how to get out of that thought process at the moment…it doesn’t seem like a good or even productive idea to talk to him about it….

[Melissa M]

Well hello! It’s been a couple months but I was really curious to log back in and see what people were going through during this strange and challenging time.

So update on me….the last couple of months have been probably the best and strongest ones in my relationship.
Communication has been really strong.
We have been spending a balanced amount of time together/apart and have both been using our time apart well. At one point about 5 weeks ago we were able to have a positive conversation about our sexual dynamic. Him saying he was experiencing general low libido due to depression and also feeling like I wasn’t make an effort in one specific area…and I told him I wanted to feel desired and to be romanced somewhat. Anyways after that conversation our sex life has been really good. He has been initiating sex more frequently and has been more expressive.
Just overall things have been really easy going and sweet.

A situation did arise a few weeks ago when I was about to leave town with my kids for about 5 days to visit friends and I was spending the night at his place the night before I was leaving town. I arrived after work and he had sweetly made me dinner and he had two friends over, 1 from out of town, that I didn’t know were going to be there. He didn’t know either. So they were hanging out with his brother and we left to go on a walk which was nice. We got back and chatted with his friends on the back porch for awhile and then I announced I was headed to bed because I had to get up early. He didn’t come to bed with me which I found frustrating because I was leaving town the next day. Otherwise I wouldn’t have cared. He ended up coming into the bedroom to check on me and I told him I felt frustrated and we talked about it and he was really sweet and understanding and stayed in bed with me.

When I was on my trip is when things started getting serious with cities promoting social distancing and staying home. Luckily we were able to fly home and took a lot of precautions.
When I returned we announced at work that our store would be closing and school was not reconvening. So my kids went to their father’s house for a week since I had just had them a week and I went to stay with my guy.
At this point, it was announced we were going to be paid for three weeks while the store was closed.
This took a lot of the stress out of the situation initially. We really enjoyed our week together. We did a lot of work around his house. We did some things separately..he spent some time working on the album and I was playing piano, reading a lot. We went on long walks everyday and cooked a lot together. (There were stressful moments. Going to the grocery store with him is too difficult for me to deal with. His anxiety is high and he’s very worried about me but it comes off as criticism—don’t touch that, why are you putting your sleeve on that, you forgot to wipe this part down, etc…he apologized profusely and I said it’s ok but I also decided I’d just go to the store alone from then on out.)

So I had my kids again for a week but I was also asked to return to work during this time to start communicating things with employees and setting up a schedule to help our online business. So after having my kids a bit, we took a two day hiking trip, didn’t have to be around other people so it was safe and slept outside in a tent. It was a great trip but on the drive home I asked him if he was going to return to work the next week as he had the opportunity. It was double pay for a week—because he’d get paid for what he worked as well as the promised store closure pay. I felt it was very minimal risk since lots of precautions are set up, it’s a small amount of people working, and we aren’t open to the public.
And you know all the money issues he’s had….

This conversation spiked his anxiety a lot. He shut down a bit.
Basically 1. He feels unsafe going to work. 2. He feels it’s wrong our company is asking us to work 3. He finds the work meaningless and boring 4 he would rather use the time working on the album

Ok…so I get it.
So I didn’t schedule him.
But that was for last week when we were getting paid.

Now the upcoming two weeks I had to write a schedule for, we are no longer getting paid unless we work.
So it’s been really hectic…work is a lot of learning and adjusting in the moment, I had my kids after work each day but one and was having a disagreement with their father over some online schooling strategies I was working through. I had one night last week without the kids because their dad asked for a switch night. I went to my guys that night after work and had intentions of talking to him about him returning to work….we ended up having drinks with dinner and I honestly just flaked on it because we were having a great night and I didn’t want a stressful conversation and I kinda just assumed he’d go back to work when he wasn’t going to get paid anymore if he didn’t.
So the next day I wrote the schedule for the next two weeks and scheduled him 4 days each week.
So he never said anything about it.
I wrote him this text about checking his schedule but then forgot to send it. I was busy with my kids Friday and Saturday.
So last night after my kids went to bed, I’m messaging with him and mention something about him going back to work Monday.
He’s like What??
I say—I think I’ve told you that about 5 times

Now I have no idea why I said this!
I guess because I felt myself get tense…at his reaction. It is upsetting to me that he has no financial plan right now. I have been talking about his schedule…with him the week prior, but also with my one friend I vent to and my father and at work with the manager I write the schedule with in a professional way. And i really did think I sent him that check your schedule text. So in my mind…there’s been a lot of dialogue about his working…but none of it has been directly and frankly with him in the last week…..

So he was furious…
He didn’t come off furious at first…he said he didn’t understand how he was scheduled since he never agreed to it. I instantly said—you don’t have to work. I can take you off the schedule and give the hours to someone else, no problem.
And then he said he felt if we talked about it, I’d pressure him to work. So I once again stated it was his choice, no pressure. I said I could take him off the schedule and he could file for unemployment.
Well that made him furious.
He got snippy with me.
I tried to explain I was being genuine in that statement.
I asked if we could talk via phone btw, and he had already said no….

I told him these conversations were stressful but could we try to be on the same side? Be understanding? He said he knows he needs to work and it’s very upsetting to him under these circumstances. And then he said he understands I’m concerned about him but he’s frustrated with me because I just scheduled him without his permission and then I said I told you 5 times—which was a bullshit comment because I hadn’t. He’s like—you went ahead and decided for me and then fucking acted like I agreed to it.
Well I tried to explain my confusion and I apologized again. He then texts—being mistaken and being a liar are two different things and I’m sorry but it’s hard to tell with you which is happening.

So I just went to bed.

So I thought about it extensively this morning upon waking early and sent him a long message.
I acknowledged that a few things were going on in this situation—some genuine confusion, me being controlling/deciding I knew what was best, me forgetting to have the conversation directly with him because I didn’t want to deal with his negative emotions—whereas i could’ve just set boundaries prior and had the conversation.
And then me jumping to a defense mechanism when throwing out the i’ve told you 5 times comment. So I acknowledged how I messed up.

He hasn’t read it yet but he could also be sleeping in. I know what’s best for me now is to let it go. I did my part…I gave it thought, I reached out admitting my mistakes…I can now focus on other things in my day.

I don’t know how he will respond. I’m hopeful since things have been strong, he will show me some understanding. But I also know I may just get no response at all….He may need to shut me out for the day…

Anyways, I just came to vent and get that all out.

I hope you’re staying healthy.
Thank you

[Melissa M]

So yesterday we didn’t message much at all and I was busy at work and didn’t mind but he did this thing he often does which is start a bit of a conversation and he will ask a question and then I’ll answer and he won’t read the answer or respond for hours. He is wrapped up in whatever he’s doing and I get that. And I get texting is different than face to face conversation. I do find it somewhat rude but I just let it go.
I figure what can I do? I’ve already told him I find it rude and he still does it from time to time. I’m not going to take it personally. Our mutual friend told me she’s been texting him for 2 days and he hasn’t read or responded to anything….
He’s not a multi tasker. It is what it is.
We are supposed to hang out tonight after work so I’m just going to try to just focus on different strategies when I get annoyed or tense about this and also just text less in general when we are apart, I think.
Like just not have my phone within so much reach….

I also will be logging out of this forum for awhile.
I think you have been very helpful. At this point, you’d probably just be repeating yourself…it seems I just need to put some work into myself one way or another and I hope he will continue to be a good partner in general to me and healthy in his own life. If I see slipping, I hope I’m strong enough to stick to a standard…

Thanks again.

[Author]

Posts