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Hi Lisa. I’m sorry for the frustration you are going through right now.
It sounds like your ex did not wait long to get into a relationship with someone new. That tells me he really wants to be in a relationship right now. So he’s unlikely to leave the relationship he has started with this other woman unless he sees a clear path to reuniting with you.
In other words, don’t be vague. If you want a chance with him, I suggest you let him know that you are ready to take things to the next level if he decided to give you another chance. Because in his mind (at least right now) a relationship with you represents a question mark (will it work or will I be alone again?).
You can trigger his hero instinct whether you’re in a relationship with him or not. The key is to start small.
Think of the smallest ways you can ask him for help in some way, shape, or form. Think of ways to build propinquity (opportunities to interact). Ask his advice about something, maybe even about dating. Whatever it is, think of something small. Then think even smaller. That makes it easier to recognize the opportunities all around you.
James
We’re lucky to have Kanya participating in this online community.
She has years of experience as a highly trained specialist in romantic relationships. Her specialty is helping smart, successful women navigate through the difficult passages most people will face as they reach for a relationship worth keeping. And don’t be surprised if she challenges you to become the best possible version of yourself along the way.
James
Katherine,
I agree with Coach Laura. You and your partner definitely need to discuss this situation for what it is…a threat to your relationship. Be sure not to start thinking of your son as a threat, but rather his grieving and emotional bitterness.
Children cannot make us choose who we will be with. There may be a need to set some solid boundaries for your son’s behavior, but make sure it’s you setting those boundaries rather than your partner.
In the meantime, spend time talking with your partner about ways to enhance your bond. Don’t become overly problem-focused or else it can take the joy out of the relationship. It’s like that saying, “Sometimes the best defense is a good offense.”
James
I thought I would chime in here to add one thing to Laura’s intro.
She was hand-picked because of her experience and expertise as a relationship counselor. But she is also EXTREMELY good at helping you to access your own intuition, which you can mix with sound principles for success. So when she asks you to reflect on a question…it’s worth your time to really do so. Let her questions guide you toward your own unique insights. That will help you mix her experience with your own gut feelings about your unique relationship situation.
James
Hello Yaunting.
First of all, I want to acknowledge something good. You have established a meaningful relationship with a man you like and want to keep. Furthermore, you have built enough emotional connection with this man that both of you want to keep the relationship going even while separated by distance.
Now the hard part. Long distance relationships (LDRs) are very hard on us…particularly when one person is not very good at connecting through the written word (text messages in your case).
And one of the most common issues in LDRs is insecurity. The trust you have for each other will be put to the test. That’s a natural part of an LDR that you can read more about in my special report on this topic…which you have access to as an Irresistible Insider.
Here are two things to think about:
1. Can you ask him to send longer text messages about things he is worried about, hoping for, excited about, dreading, or annoyed by? IN other words, can you directly ask him to use text messaging to let you into his emotional world? Do you think he would make a little progress (with better communication) if you make it a goal to keep the relationship emotionally strong that way?
2. After you get him talking about his emotions (hopes, fears, annoyances, etc.), do you think you could do the same? Maybe admit to the insecurity you are feeling about his loyalty? Maybe even tell him “It’s silly…but I saw this text a while back by accident and it’s been bugging me…and I was hoping you could help me feel less insecure about that.” This is a way of bringing up the topic without making it sound like an accusation. You might be surprised at what you learn from a conversation like that…and that knowledge will help you decide what to do next.
Always on your side,
James
