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Hi Svetlana. I’m sure Kanya will have some good insight for you, but I just wanted to add a thought I had as I read your post.
I think you are right to trust your instincts on this one. Your intuition tells you this is about more than just the dog. You should probably trust your intuition on that.
But the question remains, what can you do about it?
And to answer that question I would like to suggest you reflect on the following principle we often use in coaching. The idea goes like this. Before we ask someone to brainstorm options for overcoming a perceived obstacle, it’s always better to first ask the sorts of questions that really build up their motivation to reach a goal or desired life circumstance. Only then ask them what kinds of obstacles need to be overcome. Only after their motivation is strong do you asked them to consider ways to overcome a problem.
It’s natural to focus on problems. But in this case, you might get a better result if you stop talking about the dog for a while, and open discussions about the positive possibilities. Find casual ways to ask him about the dream scenario. What would it be like if the two of you were already living in a state of bliss? Encourage him to dream without considering the problems.
If he develops strong motivation and a vision for what’s possible, he will be much more open to problem-solving. And if you encounter resistance during these discussions about the potential beautiful things you two could build together in your relationship, that will reveal more about the other factors you sense that might be blocking him or holding him back.
James
Hi Jodi. I understand you feel frustrated right now, but I have to say, this is a rather beautiful romance you’ve fallen into!
I also want to commend you on using some of the techniques you learned from His Secret Obsession to trigger his hero instinct. It’s neat to hear about the way he becomes more emotionally available when you do that.
But now to the problem you’ve raised. Yes, it certainly seems your assessment of the situation is correct. Whenever our lives become unstable (as is bound to happen when selling and/or buying a house) we seek a sense of stability by trying to prevent anything else in our life from changing. So it’s natural that he would want to pull back from this fast-paced romance the two of you dove into.
My guess is that trying to “fix” the situation right now would be a mistake. And here’s why. He would have to make decisions about how to respond. He would once again feel like he’s trying to set a path with far-reaching impact on his future. And it’s just not a good time for that. Because he’s already using up all his decision-making power on trying to figure out where to live and how to organize the process of moving out of a home he’s lived in for so many years. It can be overwhelming.
So your job right now is to decrease overwhelm. Do everything you can to be a pleasant companion in his life without presenting any kind of decisions or need to figure things out or need to respond with promises about what the future will look like. All that stuff can come later once he feels a bit more settled.
Once he feels settled, it might be a good idea to tell him a story. Tell him the story of how you accidentally tried to push too hard at a moment in his life when he was trying to make a lot of other decisions.
Paint the story of the desire you felt for him and the joy you were experiencing because of the relationship. Explain the remorse you felt when you realized you had failed to consider how overwhelmed he must have been feeling at that time. And leave the story open so that he gets the sense that you would like to write the next chapter with him as co-authors, as partners. And tell him he doesn’t have to figure it all out before he starts writing.
Of course, this is just a metaphor. You don’t actually need him to write anything. It’s just a way of inviting him into the next chapter of your relationship with no pressure, but with the healing effect of owning the story the two of you have built together and discussing it openly.
Always on your side,
James
Hi Dalphane. That’s a great question! It reflects two things I like. One is that you seem to intuitively grasp the hero instinct and his need to experience a certain kind of interpersonal dynamic with you in order to feel at home in the relationship. Second, it reflects the fact that you’re the type of person who knows what she wants and is willing to go after it. I like that. Because it’s people like you who take action. It’s people like you who build a more beautiful world, one relationship at a time.
One thing I’ve noticed about relationships is that they are always changing. They never stay the same. Kind of like a plant. A plant is always growing or dying, but it never just stays the same.
In the same way, the power dynamic between the two of you is changing all the time. In each new circumstance the two of you negotiate a new balance of control. The key is to bend that balance toward trust.
Let me explain what I mean by that. Trust allows you to give away control without feeling any sort of loss. In fact, it’s actually a better life when you are able to invest in the kinds of people who love you so much and care about your well-being so much that you have absolutely no hesitation about putting them in charge of getting things done, making important decisions, or even taking care of your heart, your needs, and your desire to live a full life.
So let me ask you this. Is this man trustworthy? Can you empower him while trusting his motivation at the same time?
For someone with a good heart, an interesting thing happens when you give them responsibility. They often rise to the challenge. They become more responsible. They become less self-serving and they start to think about how to do a good job with the trust they’ve been given.
Naturally, this is an incremental process. But it’s something worth aiming for. Wishing you passionate bliss!
James
Hi Carolyn. This sounds like a tricky situation because of the way his son seems to be influencing his relationship decisions.
On top of that, he’s a self-described player, which means his default relationship mode involves frequent, short-term physical relationships while avoiding commitment.
On the other hand, you seem to really like this guy, and you sense that he may have deeper feelings for you than what he wants to let on. Maybe he secretly wants to build the kind of relationship that allows two people to share their life story over a long period of time. Maybe he’s beginning to understand the beauty of that. I hope so.
Right now, you only have so many options in front of you. But I want to challenge you to brainstorm at least 10 options. You might be thinking there’s only two or three options for how to interact with him or get things moving again. Stretch past that limitation. Start writing out a list and don’t stop until you’ve thought of 10 ideas. Not all of your ideas will be good ones, and that’s okay. Just keep writing down any idea you can think of. Try to think outside the box.
Remember, propinquity will be your ally in a situation like this. Any opportunity to increase your interaction with him can help. Because each interaction is an opportunity for him to fall in love with you all over again.
Can you activate his hero instinct? Brainstorm another 10 ways to ask him for help. Think of ways to make him feel like your hero. Don’t try to fix the relationship right now. Instead, just focus on opportunities for interaction (propinquity) and building the kinds of interaction that trigger his hero instinct.
James
Maryann,
I just want to say how much I admire your courage and strength of will.
There’s something to be said for a woman who knows what she wants. There’s power in that.
Once you’ve determined what you want, you can live all out. You can go in the direction of your dreams, even if you don’t have full control over the outcome (as is the case in your situation).
It’s okay to try and fail. It’s a life worth living.
And if it doesn’t work out with this guy, you won’t be left wishing you had tried. Instead, you’ll know you did everything you can, and that may actually help you to let go and move your powerful loving energy toward someone who is ready to receive it.
Wishing you the best.
James
That’s a good article, Laura. Thanks for sharing that. One of the things I have found with many of my shy clients is that they feel uncomfortable observing the people around them.
So the advice from the article to be “open to random conversations” is a bit difficult. In a coffee shop, shy people tend to look at their coffee or their shoes rather than looking around, making eye contact, and observing the people around them. It comes from a feeling that they don’t want to make anyone else uncomfortable by staring at them.
When therapists work with people who have social anxiety, they often have them practice observing others. For example, in one treatment study in England, people with social anxiety were sent into pubs and asked to come out with detailed descriptions of the eye color and clothing of a person who sat next to them at the bar.
This exercise is designed to break past the reluctance to observe. If you struggle with shyness, you might think this sounds difficult. And it is. But it’s the kind of thing that stops being difficult after you practice it for a while. And that’s the point.
Roberta,
I’ll just add one other thought. You are doing great at applying the Rewrite Your Relationship course concepts. But I actually think you have already achieved step two. You can basically skip past that step now. Why? Because he is already doing the kind of noble and caring things we want him to do (like sweeping the snow, for example). Build on that. You’re heading in the right direction.
James
Hi Shanna. Glad to have you as a member of our insider’s club!
For anyone else who was wondering the same thing as Shanna, you can find the twelve-words in the introduction to your His Secret Obsession course.
James
Hi Krysteen. I can understand why you are feeling a bit shocked and emotionally numb after this bad news. I’m sorry you are going through this disappointment right now.
I find myself wondering whether he knows how much you care about him and how much you are willing to invest in a relationship with him. From what you’ve said here, I would think you’ve made it fairly obvious to him. Is that true?
If it is true, he must have a mix of different feelings when he thinks about the relationship with you. I get the sense that he cares about you and thrives on the warmth you bring into his life. But then I imagine myself in his shoes, and four-hours of distance between you. It sounds lonely. I wonder if he wanted to be with you but found the proximity of another woman to be more convincing as he considered trying out commitment.
You’ve been there for him and given him a lot of time. I don’t feel you owe him any more time. But that doesn’t mean you have to slam the door in his face. Especially since he has a history of very short term “trials” of romantic relationships. So I recommend you leave the doors of communication open.
Don’t say, “Well, I’m here if you ever break up with her.” Instead, send an occasional message that has a feeling more like, “Life is good, and I’m glad we’re friends.”
This gives him the sense that he does not need to cut things off with you while he is in a relationship with someone else. It increases the chances that he’ll turn to you if he’s in a bad spot and wants to talk to someone who knows him and understands him.
And in the mean time, let me remind you to invest in yourself. Don’t let all your emotional energy stay tied up in this one man who has been on the fence about relationships for years. Get out there and meet new people. You are such a loving person. I can’t tell you how many people need someone like you. Meet people while you wait. Plant seeds, but remain open to the possibility that the last chapter has not yet been written between you and this man.
James
Ah, yes. Good boundaries allow us to get closer to people. It seems counterintuitive. Yet, this powerful truth allows our relationships to flourish. Thanks for sharing this, Kanya.
James
Hey Denese. I also just wanted to mention that, as an Insider’s Club member, you have free access to a special report I wrote on this topic. It covers some important considerations when a guy sort of treats you like a backup plan. Here’s a link to that report.
James
Hi Denese. I’d love to tell you what he’ll do next, but I don’t can’t predict his future choices. And neither can you. So don’t try. Stay focused on the things you can control. You can control your side of this equation. Focus on being the best version of yourself. That way, your actions lead to positive outcomes regardless of the decisions he makes.
James
Hey, Denese. I’m excited for what your relationship with this man can become. Though it is rather early in the relationship and you are clearly still learning to understand each other.
Still, I can understand why this is a painful situation for you. And I imagine I would feel nervous and sick to my stomach if I was in your shoes.
Here are some thoughts to carry with you over the next few days.
He saw something beautiful in you. Something he wants. But his vision is now clouded because there is something else holding the focus of his attention (the problem). And every time you try to fix the problem, it merely brings his focus back to the feeling of betrayal or hurt or whatever it was that he experienced when he thought you were calling him names.
I understand you were really just expressing your sadness and hurt when he didn’t call you. But there’s no sense trying to convince him of this right now. Instead, look for any opportunity you can find to bring your interactions back to the kind that initially sparked feelings of love between the two of you.
In other words, don’t try to solve problems right now. Look for ways to just interact, even if that means sitting together silently in a room without any conversation, or taking a walk.
Think of ways you can ask him for help with something small. Put him back in the role of a hero in your life. Let your actions demonstrate the respect you feel for him.
James
Hey Deann. I made some comments on the other post you submitted about the same situation. I’ll probably delete this one after you see this response to avoid confusion as other people chime in in the coming days.
Hi Deann.
It seems your baseline with this man is a good baseline (meaning things generally work well between the two of you). Something has recently changed in his thoughts or feelings, and he’s jumping to conclusions about his readiness to be in a relationship. I can imagine how frustrating it must feel to you when he won’t even tell you what the problem is.
In circumstances like these, time is your greatest ally.
Don’t rush him toward any kind of decision, and don’t rush him to fix things or explain things. Why? Because whatever this is, it’s most likely temporary. It will probably pass on its own if you can stay in his life long enough to be there when he emerges on the other side.
In the meantime, be present in his life. Don’t let the pain of this situation change the beautiful, positive and joyful version of you he’s used to seeing.
James
