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Hey Jovana! It’s great to see you engaged with our relationship coaches here in the private forum. I’m always encouraged by people like you who take relationships-building seriously and invest in the process of getting feedback on important decisions.
James
Stress is a natural part of life (and especially relationships). But if you worry about stress, it takes a greater toll on your health. Oddly enough, what you believe about stress has a big impact on your health. That’s what I learned from this fascinating TED Talks video of Kelly Mcgonigal.
Feeling stressed today? Then watch this video! It’s both informative and funny.
Hi Megan. It sounds like your deeper inner wisdom is telling you to wait and be patient right now. Trust that wisdom.
In the meantime, I definitely agree with your strategy of doing what you can to work on your own sense of emotional well-being and stability. As they say, the only constant in life is change. Like surfing on the waves of the ocean, we must learn to move with the shifting tides and recognize when it’s better to go with the flow of the currents rather than fight against them.
Hi Megan. The story of your relationship is both beautiful and painful. It’s beautiful because you are two people who genuinely improve each other’s lives when things are good. It’s painful because somehow you both let fear creep between you and push you apart. That kind of fear usually only appears when we really care about someone. And that’s why there’s still a chance this relationship may rise from the ashes like a Phoenix ready to begin anew.
Obviously the odds are stacked against you right now because long-distance relationships give people many more opportunities to doubt the value of being in the relationship. And on top of that you have both agreed to end the relationship in order to escape from the ups and downs.
Right now, your own choices are still in your control. You can’t control his choices. So focus on making the most of the choices that are still within your power. When we make choices, we often make them too fast. I would encourage you to generate as many choice options as you can right now. This will prevent you from taking action on the first idea that comes to your mind. Use that same cautious mindset as you consider the options I am suggesting below.
Right now, it could be helpful to show up in person in Boston. There are some things that are too important to try to manage over the phone. And showing up in person sends a special kind of message regarding the level of dedication and importance you place on this relationship. Consider that option. It has both pros and cons.
In my opinion, there’s a chance that the feelings that draw the two of you together will reemerge if you can show up in person and tell him you want to slow the decision down instead of sticking with the agreement to end things that you made over the phone.
If he is in a defensive mindset, trying to protect himself from further emotional pain, then let me suggest you only bring up “reversible decisions,” when speaking with him.
Reversible decisions are less scary. The smaller the commitment, the better. For example, you could say “We can always decide that we made the best decision by ending things. But let’s give it six weeks where we continue to talk to each other before trying to undo the feelings we have developed for each other over the years.”Alternatively, you could start with something much smaller. You could ask to be able to speak with him on the phone on occasion rather than cutting yourselves out of each other’s lives in one sudden motion. Then use these opportunities to reminisce about the best times you experienced together.
Even if the relationship ultimately ends, this is a healthy thing to do. It brings a sense of closure. But there’s also a chance that it will remind you both of the penitential for enjoying life together.
Megan, trust that the future has plenty of happiness for you both. Pursue your goal, but don’t try to control each step of the way. Relax into the flow of life so that you remain open to the quiet wisdom that has brought you this far.James
Hi Shagun. First of all, let me just say that I’m sorry you’re going through this tense week in your relationship. You already know this, but sometimes it helps when someone offers a reminder, so let me just say this. Every good relationship that is worth fighting for will have ups and downs. There will be trials and hardships. Making it through those times is what proves a relationship has what it takes to last long term.
As strange as it sounds, if your relationship cannot easily survive this downturn, it’s a good thing if it ends now. Because the relationship would never have made it long-term anyway. More hardships are destined for any two people that choose to intertwine their lives in a significant way.
Now for the good news…
You have verbally expressed something that needed to be said. He’s not meeting your needs, and now he knows it.
In fact, this situation probably would have been a little better if you had not apologized profusely. Revealing your frustrations and the ways he is not meeting all of your expectations for a relationship is actually a good thing.
I agree that it was not necessarily said very kindly or in a way that is likely to result in a positive change quickly, but at least he knows that his way of interacting with you has not been meeting all of your expectations. This gives him a choice. He can either make you a higher priority, or own up to the fact that you really are not the highest priority in his life. It’s important that he makes that decision since you guys have been together for so long.
In the short run, things will be tense. I encourage you to merely accept that fact because acceptance decreases the stress that comes from a situation like this. Maintain the goal of reuniting on an emotional level with him, but do so without mental strain or effort. Trust that it will happen, probably in ways you did not expect. This will reduce the agony as you wait for that eventual result to unfold.
For next time, here’s a bit of advice. The situation you faced is a perfect opportunity to call out a man’s hero instinct. You could easily use the principles you learned in His Secret Obsession to ask for what you want in a way that inspires him to feel closer to you instead of angry at you. So let me challenge you to spend 10 minutes writing down a few phrases you could use that would help him to recognize the opportunity for making you happier. Try to phrase it in a way that makes him seem like a hero if he meets your need (instead of phrasing it as an opportunity for him to stop being a failure who ignores you).
After you’ve done this brainstorming, watch for opportunities to reframe what you said to him earlier. Tell him this is what you meant to say and use one of the phrases that you came up with. It won’t be as powerful as it would have been if you had started that way (because he’s already feeling a bit defensive) but it can still have a very positive impact. It just might reframe the way he sees the whole interaction.
James
Duygu, you’ve done a nice job of clearly describing the situation. And you’ve also done a good deal of reflection about this situation and honestly shared both the good and the bad with us. Thank you for that.
Answering the following two questions may help you to see your options more clearly.
1. What would it look like if this relationship unfolded perfectly during the next six months? In other words, if everything went right, what would that look like (given the distance between you and the time the two of you have to pursue this new relationship)? Starting with a vision of what you really want may help you to decide what to do next?
2. Do you think he has the same vision as you? It takes two people to make a long distance relationship work. So it’s important to move toward a common vision for each step of your new relationship.
Answering these questions can be overwhelming. But it will be much less overwhelming if you end this mental exercise by turning your focus to the smallest next step you can take to work toward your vision. What’s the smallest step you could take right now or in the next two weeks to move your relationship in a positive direction?
I hope these questions help you form a plan and see opportunities to take action toward your goal.
Hi Colleen. Thank you for the clarification. It’s much easier to understand the situation you are asking about now.
It sounds like you have already studied some of our relationship courses. Though you may be confusing our relationship courses with some of the others that we promote (essentially commercials that help pay the bills for us so we can continue offering relationship tips through our ongoing email follow-up series). You really don’t need to buy any of those other courses. Being a part of this irresistible insiders membership means you already have access to all of our mini-reports at no additional cost. You can access those here: https://beirresistible.com/members/library/
At this point in your relationship, propinquity will be a key factor. That just means opportunities for interacting with each other. It might take the pressure off if you realize that falling in love is a natural response that happens between two people who are right for each other, as long as those two people spend enough time in each other’s presence. To help with that, look for opportunities to invite him to help you with things (to be your hero so to speak). You’ve already done a great job with that by asking for his help with practicing your new HSM service.
The next step might be to do nothing more than try to enjoy his presence. Allow yourself to experience the fun of being around him. This might dispel some of your nerves. But if you feel like it, you could read the irresistible insider report (which you can find at the link above) about conversation topics men enjoy, and our guide to easy flirting.
Whatever you do, focus on what you want. Allow it to guide your decision making. Do not focus on controlling the situation or preventing bad things from happen.
James
Hi Riyo. I’ll just add my opinion that I think you are improving in some important ways.
You are allowing yourself to look to your own inner guidance when making decisions. You are trusting your intuition as you go toward what you want in this relationship. The more you trust that deeper wisdom inside yourself, the better things will go in the outside world of your relationships.
Hi Riyo. In a situation like this, confusion is the enemy. Let me explain what I mean.
The two of you had a fairly good relationship that you both valued. But your own uncertainty about whether it was a good relationship lead you to break it off. That was understandable, because at the time you wanted something different. Something that felt more secure and committed. Nonetheless, it no doubt left a feeling of confusion in his mind and heart regarding whether or not you find him desirable.
Later, the natural attraction the two of you feel for each other began to draw you back into each other’s lives. You successfully used some of the curiosity phrases to generate interest, but then once again you denied him. This no doubt reinforced his uncertainty about whether you find him desirable. Men rarely pursue a woman unless they feel desired, respected, and admired. That’s how they want to feel in the context of their relationships.
Maybe he’s miserable in his current relationship. But he doesn’t like being alone. He doesn’t want to leave this relationship for the small hope that you are serious about wanting to get back together with him (rather than simply playing game). That’s why I say confusion is the enemy right now. It’s time to be very clear about what you want. Tell him what you want, why you want it, and tell him one or two small steps he can take if he wants to explore that possibility with you. Get together in person for just a short interaction and then plan the next one before you part ways.
Hi Melissa. I see why his behavior confuses you. It’s like he wants to build some sort of cozy intimacy with you, but his past actions reveal he is a selfish person who has little concern for the way he treats you.
I’ll be honest with you, this man sounds like someone who doesn’t have a plan. I doubt there is some master plan behind his actions. He’s the kind of guy who just flies by the seat of his pants, rarely making an intentional effort to create a future he has premeditated and envisioned.
Is that the kind of man you want to be with? It’s ok if you do. I’m certainly not trying to judge him. Rather, I’m trying to reflect on what you’ve told us about him so far. Maybe there is something deeper that attracts you, something you have not shared here.
Regardless, your first step should be exactly what you’ve already done. Set boundaries and form a solid foundation for the relationship (as it stands now) by forcing an open discussion of where things stand, what he wants, and what you want.
Normally I do not suggest “forcing” these kinds of discussions, but in this case you need to (in my opinion) for the sake of protecting your heart (and for the sake of protecting your valuable time which could be spent pursuing someone who is ready to take a relationship seriously and put someone else’s happiness as a high priority).
James
Hi Veronika!
It’s great to see you in here interacting on the forum. Your question reflects the mind of a very intelligent and insightful woman with a lot of emotional maturity. So you probably already know what I’m about to say, but it sometimes helps to hear someone else say it.
You’ve sensed a deeper level of attraction from this man than what he lets on. You believe under different circumstances he would pursue you directly. But there is a natural human bias to make decisions in favor of the status quo, meaning he is unlikely to break off his current relationship to pursue someone else when he’s not even sure that other relationship (with you) would work out. In fact, he may still have lingering questions about whether or not you would even reciprocate the kind of affection he feels for you.
Yes, there’s also the possibility that you have read more into the situation than actually exists. But a beautiful relationship is among the most valuable things we could ever achieve, so it’s worth a little bit of time and effort to discover the truth.
Unfortunately, the truth is likely to be revealed to you slowly over time. I know that’s not what I would want if I was in your shoes. But it’s better to face the truth so you can decide to cope with it and make the best of it. Time is now your ally. You need time in order to find out whether he actually does have the kinds of feelings for you that would allow the two of you to form a beautiful romance.
The key at this point is to put propinquity on your side. That means keeping the doors open for consistent communication. Just be relaxed and open without pushing for any kind of information about how he feels for you. Just be in his life. That way, if he one day realizes his current relationship is not something he can live with long-term, you are already in his life because you kept the door open.
In the meantime, live your life fully. Don’t hold your breath, waiting to see what will happen with him. Date new people. Invest in personal growth. But also keep up a very gentle level of flirting so that he knows you are still interested in him in that special sort of way.
Wishing you the best,
James
Hi Donna. I’m glad to see you reaching out for some feedback and support here in the forum. But I’m sad to hear of the emotional struggle you’ve been going through because of this relationship setback.
It sounds like the two of you had a good thing going, so I can certainly understand why you want to pursue this relationship further. On the other hand, I want to remind you that you are the perfect partner for someone out there, and you should never settle for someone that only sort of sees you as their perfect match.
That being said, here are a few things to keep in mind if you want to pursue this man.
First, propinquity is still the biggest variable that’s going to determine what happens next. In other words, you need to keep the door open for communication with this man. That means you should be encouraging, positive, and not push him into a position where he feels obligated to either continue going out with you or draw a hard line and cut off communication. Be light, relaxed, and encouraging but keep on texting him on occasion (around three times per month unless he is initiating texts at which point you can increase the frequency).
Keeping the doors open like this will put the odds in your favor. Think about it, most relationships don’t become permanent. So there’s a very good chance that he will eventually find that this new woman he is dating is not his perfect match. When that time comes, you’ll still be on his mind. He’ll still see opportunities to interact with you. And that open channel of communication will allow you to continue to use gentle flirting techniques like those I describe in one of my special reports that you have access to here as a four member.
This would also be a good time for you to saturate your mind with the concept of abundance dating. Sometimes, we need to work on the outside dating experience by starting on the inside, with the mentalities that drive our external thoughts and choices. So if you haven’t already done so, please take an hour to go through our mini-report on abundance dating as well.
Keeping an open line of communication will allow you to tug on his hero instinct from time to time. Remember the key: pull on his heroic side by giving him opportunities to come to your aid in some way.
In the meantime, meet new people and do your best to get lost in the art of living life well, fully in the present moment so that your happiness is not held hostage by future circumstances.
I know that’s hard right now, and I probably would have a hard time eating and sleeping too if I was in your shoes. Still, it really does help to invest fully in what is happening here and now. The future typically turns out better when we do that.
Always in your side,
JamesHi Colleen! Welcome to the private members only forum!
When members submit private advice questions to one of our coaches, we don’t share it with each other for confidentiality reasons. And we certainly don’t share it with the community of women here in the forum. So maybe you could give us a quick recap of the situation.
From your messages above, it’s difficult to figure out what the situation is. But we want to support you! So please fill us in. Could you give us a little context for what you were trying to describe in your message above?
James
