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Hello, Heather. Thanks for sharing a bit of your story with us here on the forum. We’re glad to come alongside you on your journey toward a relationship that really brings meaning and joy to your life.
I’m sorry about our delayed response so far. I’m sure our relationship coaches will dive in here and respond to you soon. We’ve had a wave of new people signing up, which has put them a bit behind at getting to everyone’s questions here on the forum.
The situation you’ve described is certainly a difficult one. I have to admit that I find myself contemplating the possibility that your ex-boyfriend may have been experiencing some sort of paranoid delusion. I realize there are parts of the story we may not know about, but from the bits you described here, I would have suggested that he see a professional mental health counselor rather than go for a lie detector test.
My understanding is that lie detector tests are not legal to use in the workplace due to their inaccuracy. But that doesn’t stop people from offering the service and telling you that the tests are accurate. Really, a lie detector just measures your stress response. So it’s natural that you have an elevated stress response to questions that you know would put you in a bad situation if people did not believe you.
My understanding of your situation at this point is that he’s trying to block you from communicating with him. Is that correct?
And as much as the two of you shared something beautiful, it seems at this point that he has not given you the opportunity to repair the relationship. Or at least not at this point in time.
As you have pointed out, he may be running (in fear) from the intensity of emotions he felt with you, which he does not feel with his ex-wife. Perhaps at this point in his life he is more driven by a desire for a sense of security than love/growth/significance.
It may be best to let some time pass before taking further action in your communication with him. It may be that this is a good time to prepare for what you will say if he opens the doors to communication with you again in the future. Let us know if you that is something you would like to work on.
James
Hey, Lori. That’s a great question. Have you read the special report titled Commitment with 4 Questions? If not, it’s free to you as an Irresistible Insiders member. Here’s a direct link to that report. I think you’ll find it addresses the general topic you’re bringing up here.
You might also benefit from reading Backup Girl, which also addresses a lot of the questions you have to consider when dealing with a man who seems reluctant to commit to building an exclusive relationship with you.
It’s fun having you in here as a forum member. Have a wonderful day!
James
Peggy, I just want to say that I loved this sentence you wrote in the post above: “I keep telling him I don’t NEED him, just enjoy his company.” That’s exactly the right way to approach a relationship! Good job!
I also thought I would point you toward this report that you have free access to as a member of the Irresistible Insiders group. The Safe Method to Talk About Sensitive Subjects. You’re already doing great, but it helps to have good refreshers like this quick read.
James
Hello, Maria. Welcome to the private forum. You are in good hands with Kanya guiding you as your planning partner. She has a lot of experience working with professional women who are looking for something real to build with a true partner.
Hello, Kendra. I’m glad you chose to love someone with all your heart. That was the right decision and best way to live your life despite the fact that he did not reciprocate that love over the long term.
It’s often tempting to look at a hard situation like this and assume you must have done something wrong. But the truth is, sometimes we do everything right in life and yet the odds do not fall in our favor. That doesn’t mean you need to change your tactic. It just means you need to try again. Which means opening your heart to someone who is looking for a person just like you. Someone who is looking for a person who is willing and capable to love with her whole heart.
No, I’m not forgetting that you said it feels like it would be leading someone on. And yes, I understand that your emotions are still tied up in the one that got away. But there’s really no way to recover a relationship with a person who has blocked all possible methods of communicating with him. If there are still methods for communicating with him, then keep those doors open, as time often heals wounds and shifts people’s perspectives in unexpected ways. But don’t spend your life waiting for a guy who did not cherish you the way you deserve to be cherished.
Many people have gone through something similar to you. Some of them are even out there on the dating scene right now, willing to be open and honest about the fact that they need to start building new relationships even while their heart is still tender and not ready for any kind of serious commitment. But getting to know new people has a way of healing the heart.
Here’s an article I wrote which you may find helpful in this situation.
Sending you warm thoughts,
James
Katie, you are a wonderful and very brave person. No matter what happens, let life flow through you by embracing what is beautiful and good in the world around you, one moment at a time. Practice taking in the good. Thank you for reaching out to us and allowing us to walk this difficult path with you.
James
Hello, Fong. Thanks for bringing your question to the forum.
You raise an interesting question. How do you align yourself with a man’s goals when he has clearly stated that he believes a relationship with you would prevent him from pursuing his chosen goals?
That must be a stressful situation for both of you. Because you wouldn’t be having this conversation if you didn’t have some sort of mutual romantic feelings for each other. Yet here you are facing what appears to be an impasse.
If you choose to continue to work on this relationship, rather than both of you seeking more compatible partners, then I hope you will inspire love, beauty, and goodness in each other through your mutual choice to weave your life stories into one.
Speaking of interweaving your stories, that may be the answer you seek. You see, we all have stories we tell ourselves about who we are, what’s important, and what we must achieve in order to have a meaningful life.
Right now, the story he’s telling himself focuses on his own preconceived notions about what a meaningful life will entail for him. But where is the discussion of your life goals? What is your story about what a successful life looks like?
When you talk about your goals in life, and he begins to find meaning and purpose in helping you to achieve those goals, it expands his story to include your goals as something he could have an influence over. He can begin to see his relationship with you as something so deeply meaningful that it can overshadow other goals that may be somewhat incongruent with the idea of building a lifelong romance with you.
So here’s what people often find helpful in situations like yours. Talking more about your own goals and desires. Inviting him to dream with you about ways he might be able to help you meet those goals. And inviting him to be a hero in your story.
Will it cause all of his own goals to disappear and stop being problematic? I don’t know. Probably not immediately at any rate. And possibly not ever. But the more he understands the benefits of becoming your hero and finding his passion and purpose in that role, the less influenced he will be by ideals he holds in his mind about abstract concepts like pursuing parenthood or intellectual enlightenment.
I want to respect your wishes and the fact that you are perfectly capable of deciding for yourself what you want. But as a relationship coach it’s also my job to ask questions to ensure you have considered what’s really going to make you the happiest in the long run.
So here’s a question just to ask yourself as you consider how to proceed. Do you want to be with a man who does not see you as his ideal partner?
Sometimes it helps to ask yourself this question, “If I had to start over to begin a new relationship, and I knew then what I know now about this man’s desires, would I initiate a relationship with him? Or would I pass on that relationship in order to seek out somebody else?”
This is a question more commonly used in business situations. It’s called “zero-sum thinking.” It’s a way of clearing our mind of what psychologists call the “sunken cost bias,” which causes us to continue to invest in things that may no longer be good investments at this point given what we know now, even though we still feel compelled to keep investing in it to avoid feeling the pain of loss from the time, effort, money, or whatever we have already invested.
No relationship is hopeless. And there’s beauty and goodness to be found even in a few moments of beautiful connection with another person who shares positive emotional and physical attraction with you. So just add this “zero sum thinking” as one consideration along with your thoughts about how to keep investing in the possibilities for this romance to grow.
James
That looks great to me, Emily. It’s nice that he responded to you. He clearly has a lot of respect for you. Just keep the doors of communication open because you never know how things change for people over time. But this is a great time for you to do just as you mentioned to him in your text (meet lots of people).
Hi Dalia! I’m glad to see you reaching out to connect with us here on the forum. Though I wish it were under different circumstances. My heart aches for you as a read your words.
It seems like the two of you were perfect for each other in many ways. And that’s what makes it hurt so much when he suddenly pulls away without giving you any explanation. On the other hand, the way he has behaved toward you may be an early indication that he was not stable enough to be ready for the kind of relationship that would make you truly happy in the long term.
His vague explanation has left you feeling confused. He did sort of give an explanation though it was quite vague. And it is common for men to pull away form relationship commitments during times when they feel inadequate to handle the challenges that threaten their basic sense of safety and security (such as their financial status, job situation, obligation to children, stable housing, etc.). So it does make sense to leave the door open for this relationship to revive when circumstances change for him. But just realize you have no obligation to do so, and there may be an emotional toll on you if you don’t let yourself move on to invest your energy in other people.
There are many possible reasons why he pulled away. It could literally be that he has periods of depression that cause him to be very talkative and outgoing some of the time but depressed and withdrawn for months at a time. It’s impossible to know with how little he gave you to work with. And since he blocked your number, I imagine that means he would never read a Hero Instinct text requesting his help with something. If I’m wrong about that, and you have a mode to interact with him, then feel free to post the proposed message you might send him here in the forum and one of our coaches will be happy to give some feedback on that before you send it his way.
In the meantime, make a list of five options you have for coping well with this situation. It could be something like writing him a letter to gain a sense of emotional closure for yourself even if you’re not sure that he will ever actually read your letter. It could be a decision to put off any further decisions for a period of three weeks to see if time changes things. Just keep brainstorming thoughts about how you can cope well and write some of your best ideas here in the forum.
Hi Jessica. It’s nice to see the thoughtful approach you are taking to this relationship situation.
Kanya is out of the office this week, so I thought I would hop in here and respond to your post.
First of all, congratulations on your choice to make him do his part in this relationship. That’s definitely the right way to go. However, as you work on triggering his desire to step up and prove himself worthy of your affections, keep the following point in mind. The easier it is for him to clearly see the path to gaining your approval, the more likely he is to rise to the challenge.
In other words, don’t play hard to get in ways that are confusing and have little to do with whether or not he works out the problem with his visa. If the specific thing you want right now is for him to give you updates on what efforts he is taking regarding the visa process, make sure he knows that. Don’t leave it up to him to guess.
If you make your needs clear to him, it becomes easier to see his true motives. Is he really willing to work in order to see where this relationship could go? Or is it just a relationship of convenience that he will only pay attention to when he feels like?
Making reasonable requests clearly and in a way that makes him feel like he would be a success if he rose to the challenge is definitely the way to go. You’ve already started that process and done a good job of it in my opinion. But just make sure he knows what you need right now in order to continue to take the relationship seriously.
Wishing you the best!
James
Hey Emily. I applaud your courage. There are few people willing to do this kind of self-examination in order to deepen their insights into relationship dynamics. It’s nice to have people like you interacting with us here on the forum.
I thought of this article after I read your response. It doesn’t perfectly fit your situation, but you might find it informative nonetheless.
James
Hey Kelly. We’re glad to have thoughtful, ernest love-seekers active in this form. It looks like you and Heidi are off to a good start as you discuss the unfolding scenario with your love interest.
I just wanted to point out a free resource you have as an irresistible insiders member. The Get Him Working on It report may be helpful to you as you consider strategies for getting him to take a little more ownership.
Wishing you all the best in love and life,
James
Hello, Samantha. Sorry for our delayed response. Somehow our coaches missed your response.
Yes, I totally understand what you mean about a special connection with this man. Sometimes you know things instinctively when your intuition recognizes the potential for something special in the way you connect with another human being. I’m glad you found that and I certainly understand why you want to kindle that fledgling romance to see what might happen next.
Heidi is right, of course, about seeking to maintain balance and solid footing in case this relationship does not reveal itself to be as wonderful as it first appeared, but that is no reason to stop exploring the possibilities. As a member of our insider’s club, you have free access to all of our niche topic reports, including the one I wrote about long distance relationships. You can find it here.
Regarding your question about the actual phrase that became the spark needed to ignite the hero instinct for Rachel’s partner, you can find it in the intro of the His Secret Obsession course materials on page 14. Here’s a snippet that includes the actual 12 words Rachel used:
The day I met with Rachel at the coffee shop, I recognized something
missing in her relationship with Mike. But even then, I underestimated
how powerful this one missing piece can be.I asked Rachel to try something simple. I wanted her to send Mike a
signal. A special kind of signal. One that brought out a different side of
him. One that triggered a dormant part of his personality (at least as it
related to her).Now, keep in mind, this was just the start. But the signal that triggered
Mike’s hero instinct came at just the right moment.Rachel’s twelve words? They were simply this, “May I please ask your
advice really quick? It won’t take long.”Instead of presenting him with a permanent choice, like, “Do you want
to start talking again?” she took a shortcut by triggering his hero
instinct.Giving a bit of advice is not about the relationship. So it was non-
threatening.Mike asked her why she wanted to talk. She responded, “I need your
help.”When he said, “With what?” She responded with, “Making a decision.”
When he said, “What kind of decision?” She said, “Something I thought
you would know better than me. Do you mind if I call really quick?”He was curious. But he also wanted to step into the helper role she had
just laid open before him. He felt drawn to the problem solver role. The
hero with special inside knowledge.He felt compelled to respond to her text. And it sparked an interaction
that caused his mind to re-open a closed door. You can probably guess
why that helps. Once you’ve got your foot in the door, anything is
possible.It all started with a simple 12-word text message: “May I please ask
your advice really quick? It won’t take long.”But I want to remind you of the context for using a phrase like this, so I’ll paste in a bit from the intro:
“Some women, after hearing my story about Rachel, simply ask for the
12 words Rachel texted to her man. They think of these words like
some kind of magic spell that they can copy and paste into their own
relationship. But it doesn’t work that way.Imagine this was a course about flirting. And I told you the 12 words
that worked like magic for someone else at a very specific point in her
relationship.And imagine I told you to simply go out and use those same 12 words
over and over again whenever you needed to boost the fun and
intimacy between you and your man. I’m sure you can see why that
would backfire.Flirting is an art form. And it emerges in different ways depending on
the flavor of the moment.To be a master of flirting, you must first learn the underlying patterns
that make it work. Then you can use that understanding to fluidly
weave the magic of flirting into your daily interactions.It’s like that with the hero instinct. There’s an underlying pattern. Learn
to perceive it, and you’ll have a special kind of relationship skill. One
you can keep on using for the rest of your life.”Rebecca, it sounds like you have a feeling of certainty regarding your your own plan even if there’s a lot of uncertainty regarding how he may respond. In the end, we can only control our own half of any relationship. To me it seems that you are doing your best to give this relationship a fighting chance.
By communicating clearly about what you need from him if he wants to move the relationship forward, it removes ambiguity for him, making it clear what he must do if he wants to build a genuine relationship with you. But I want to add just one cautionary note. Be open to surprises. Keep your mind open to hear a different perspective than what you expected. Listen to the story he’s telling himself about you, himself, the relationship, and the future.
You’re doing great at being you. In the end, being yourself is the best way to attract someone who’s going to be a good match.
Always on your side,
James
Hi Peggy. I was reading through some of your posts and noticed you have a very open mind and relaxed way of approaching relationships. I imagine a lot of men find that attractive. I also found myself wondering how well you have defined (for yourself) what you really want to look for in a relationship at this phase of your life.
The desires we have change as each new chapter of of our lives unfold, but many people find it helpful to get clear about what they want most from the world of romance. As you continue to interact with the coaches here, it may be helpful if you contemplate what you would REALLY want if there were no obstacles to achieving it.
Sometimes, people who are relaxed and open end up responding to the desires of others rather than moving consistently down a path toward the things they want for themselves. I don’t know if that’s true for you, but I thought it might be worth thinking about.
Always on your side,
James
