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Hi Charlotta, it’s James. Just popping in here for a moment while Spyce is traveling and slower to respond as a result.
Thank you for elaborating on your relationship and the current situation with such detail. It helps me understand the depth of your feelings and the complexity of the circumstances you’re navigating.
First and foremost, while your love and passion for this man are evident, it’s essential to also prioritize your own emotional well-being. A relationship is a two-way street, and both partners should be willing and invested in the effort to communicate and understand each other. Given that he’s not reciprocating your efforts currently, it poses the question: Is he willing to engage in the relationship the same way you are?
From your description, it seems he valued his independence, and perhaps there were times he felt suffocated. It’s not unusual for someone to need personal space, but it’s crucial that such feelings are communicated openly rather than through avoidance.
To address your specific questions:
1. **Writing to him**: When you send a message, be open, honest, and concise. Avoid long, emotional paragraphs, as they can be overwhelming.
2. **Acknowledging the past**: Without pointing fingers or laying blame, express understanding. For example, “I realize now that my desire for communication might have felt overbearing at times. I truly understand the importance of personal space and the need to maintain individuality, even in a relationship.”
3. **Using a trigger for the right mental movie trailer**: The trigger is positive emotion that comes from remembering a good experience the two of you shared. All you need to do is think about the most enjoyable moments the two of you have shared together, and say something kind that triggers that same memory for him.
4. **Understanding his silence**: Sometimes silence speaks louder than words. If he continues to avoid communication, it’s essential to recognize that this might be his way of expressing his feelings. Pressuring someone to respond might push them further away. Instead, giving him space and time might be the best approach right now.
Charlotta, relationships are complex, filled with joys, pains, and learning. No matter the outcome of this situation, remember that your worth isn’t determined by his actions and his choices about this relationship. Love should uplift, not constantly pain. Whether this relationship continues or you decide to move on, you’ll make us happy if you choose to prioritize your happiness and mental well-being.
Always on your side,
JamesHi, it’s James. Just popping into your conversation while Spyce is traveling and therefore slower to get back to you.
Firstly, thank you for your openness and vulnerability in sharing your feelings and experiences. Relationships, especially ones that traverse the boundaries of friendship and romantic involvement, are some of the most complex human experiences.
Given the detailed history you’ve provided, I see a pattern in your interactions with this man, which, as you’ve pointed out, leans towards him being evasive about his emotions when serious topics come up. This deflection can leave you feeling unsatisfied, unheard, and sometimes even invalidated in your feelings. If you feel any of those things, it’s not you, it’s him.
In reading your pros and cons list, there’s an undeniable attachment and comfort you find in your relationship with him as a friend. The memories, the familiarity, the sense of “normalcy” — all of these are natural feelings, especially when you’ve known someone for such a lengthy period of time. On the flip side, the cons list speaks volumes about the emotional toll that maintaining this relationship takes on you.
Relationships should bring joy, clarity, and security. If they continuously bring confusion, sadness, or anxiety, it’s crucial to reflect on why we are holding onto them. Your list clearly conveys a sense of longing for the past, combined with a fear of confronting a potentially painful future. But remember, sometimes clinging to the familiar, even when it causes discomfort, is just our way of avoiding the unknown.
If you choose to continue this friendship, please set clear boundaries (tell him your boundaries, but realize you’re the one who ultimately will end up enforcing them). This will protect your emotional well-being, while also clearly defining the relationship’s parameters.
And if you choose to distance yourself, know that it’s okay. Taking space doesn’t mean forever, but sometimes it’s necessary for healing and clarity.
Lastly, you are deserving of a relationship — be it friendship or romantic — where you are heard, valued, and loved without all the weird games. Remember to prioritize your emotional well-being and to choose paths that bring you peace and happiness.
One more thing. If you haven’t read our guide here, please do. It’s a free part of your membership here.
Always on your side,
JamesHi, Tahirih. I thought I’d pop in for a moment while Spyce is traveling and currently slower to respond as a result.
I truly empathize with the pain and confusion you’re feeling. Being ghosted, especially after sharing intimate moments and integrating him into your family, is a jarring experience. It’s a painful contradiction when someone who seemed so considerate and caring suddenly becomes distant without explanation.
Here’s something I’m thinking about as I respond. If someone cannot provide you the basic courtesy of communication or an explanation, it speaks volumes about their character, regardless of how they might have acted before.
You mentioned a profound feeling that he was meant for you, potentially even as a life partner. These feelings, especially when they’re deep and spiritual, can be challenging to grapple with. It’s essential to remember that sometimes, fate brings people into our lives not as permanent fixtures but as a part of our journey toward something else. Perhaps he was brought into your life to show you that you can find love and kindness after heartbreak, even if he isn’t the forever person.
Deciding on the next steps is tricky. But our guide on this topic can be very helpful. Access it here (free as a part of your subscription) if you haven’t already read this. How To Get Closure When A Guy Ghosts
Your journey has been filled with challenges, but it has also shown your resilience. You’ve faced heartbreak, healed, and opened your heart again. That’s a testament to your spirit.
Whatever you decide, prioritize your happiness and well-being. You deserve love, respect, and above all, peace.
Warm wishes,
James
Devon, I wanted to start by mentioning something that may seem very small, but which is very important in my eyes. And that is your high level of willingness to engage in deep introspection. It makes you the kind of person who continuously becomes more and more valuable as a romantic partner. Your willingness to grow is admirable.
Your question regarding a second chance is understandable. Love, when deep and genuine, often leaves us yearning for the possibility of reconnection, especially when we recognize areas in which we could have done better.
Here’s my perspective: You both clearly shared a powerful connection. But for now, given the circumstances, the most practical goal would be to focus on fostering an open door for ongoing communication.
Focus on establishing a line of communication the two of you can leave open. Don’t try to “accomplish” anything through that line of communication. Just leave the door open in case he decides to use it to walk in and open up a deeper connection with you again in the future. Don’t expect a lot of communication. Just send an occasional message (maybe every 3 weeks) with something that made you think of him and smile, or a link or tidbit about something you know he’s interest in.
Don’t even try to create trust, respect, and understanding. While all good motives, we want this line of communication to have zero-expectations. This will help create a space where the power of time can work its magic.
As you work on yourself, you’ll naturally become more centered, more understanding of your triggers, and better equipped to handle conflicts. By prioritizing light, relaxed communication, you’re allowing the original reasons for your mutual attraction the time and space to potentially re-emerge.
I understand there may be barriers to getting the communication going. So just open the door. Then don’t sit on the edge of your seat waiting for a reply. Focus on living life to the fullest (it makes you more attractive, lets time pass quicker, and of most importantly, make you happier).
Whether or not you two come back together, this journey will be invaluable for your future relationships. And if the bond you shared was as deep as you describe, by focusing only on creating a zero-agenda open line of occasional communication (and giving it time), there’s always a possibility for that connection to find its way back to the surface and flower again.
Always on your side,James
Hi, Jaydene.
I love to see the clarity and depth of understanding you have brought to studying our materials and applying them in your real life situation. It’s very impressive!
So many people adopt an external locus of control (waiting for the world to change) instead of taking on an internal locus of control (focusing on the things we can do to change our destiny). So it’s nice to see the way you are taking life by the horns!
When it comes to these templates you are working on creating, I have instructed our coaches to support everyone here in the forum as they apply the core concepts. And they can continue to help you do that, but it’s outside the scope of our abilities to generate templates specific to each person’s life and unique circumstances. That part is up to you.
As long as you understand the underlying idea, you can apply it to the ever-changing landscape of your relationship circumstances. For most of these signals, we would not even encourage you to try to create a template for yourself because they are going to change almost every time you use them.
For example, this represents very good thinking on your part:
“Can you help me with [slightly more involved thing tied to hero instinct]? Can you help me with [larger favor tied to hero instinct]”And yet, the part that goes inside those brackets would change from day to day and week to week in your relationship. So it’s a useful mental framework, but only you can fill in the blank as you see new opportunities arise.
Sometimes it helps if we slow down and allow the unfolding circumstances to reveal an opportunity to use one of the signals.
Step one is to create the mental framework, which you have already done.
Step two is to wait and watch for something to trigger a realization that it’s the perfect time to use that signal, combining it with an idea that practically falls into your lap.
You’re doing great! And we are proud to play a small part in your relationship journey.James
I agree with Kanya on this, Rhonda. Trust your intuition to fill in some of those gaps. This exercise will be powerful and may even boost your confidence.
James
Em, it’s fun to see your progress as you interact with Coach Heidi and Coach Kanya on here. People who listen and apply new insights are our favorite. Keep up the good work. 🙂
James
Hey, Nicole. I just wanted to mention that it’s really encouraging to me when I see the way you have been responding positively to coaching with Heidi and Kanya here on the forum. Just reading your last comment gave me a feeling of hope for you because I think you’ve decided to turn toward a direction that is going to be rewarding on multiple levels.
I also just want to suggest you check out a really interesting way of approaching life, problems, and relationships through our latest special report, which you have access to at no additional cost as a member of the forum. You can access it here. It’s the kind of “thinking method” that tends to relieve stress while building our enjoyment of life and our optimism.
That’s good to hear, Carol. I’m so glad you’ve participated in our forum and also on the blog with your meaningful comments and questions.
It makes me happy to think of you choosing to focus on what feels good. It’s definitely a less stressful way of going about relating to people (in general).
Hi Carol. I’m impressed with the positive way you have been responding to coaching with Heidi and Kanya. It’s always encouraging to us when we see people like you who are receptive and willing to grow.
I read just a bit of your conversation just now I found myself wondering what would happen if you took the path of least resistance with this guy. Now, I’m not saying that’s necessarily the best approach, but it might be one fourth considering as a thought experiment if nothing else.
What do you think would happen if you responded to what feels good in this relationship and didn’t put much fight or effort into changing or controlling the way he responds to you? Do you think he might drift away? Or do you think he might rise to the challenge and try to spend more time investing in this relationship?
Do you think you would enjoy the relationship more if you just responded with whatever your quiet inner wisdom told you to do one situation at a time? Or do you think you would enjoy it less under those circumstances?
While you’re pondering that question, I’d like to invite you to read the latest irresistible insider report I cocreated with my friend, Amy Waterman. Because it touches in a similar topic that might be helpful to you. You have free access to this report since you are an irresistible insiders numbers. Here’s the link.
Hey Padmini. Heidi is out on vacation this week, but I wanted to just hop in here and reply to you.
I’m really impressed with the way you have been responding to Heidi’s coaching, particularly with this last post where you caught yourself overthinking. Nice work! 🙂
It does seem best to just let time solve this kind of problem. It’s natural that our minds focus on problems in our relationships, even if the problem is a very small one. However, that tendency creates tension in relationships that make them less fun for both of you.
In contrast, the more you can celebrate what is still awesome in your relationship (both in the immediate present and also because of your entire relationship history) the more you generate kinds of positive emotional tone that make you both feel drawn to each other more and more over time.
Wishing you love and happiness,
James
It’s inspiring to see how you’ve adapted to a difficult situation, Emilie. Especially because you are growing into a more confident person who will attract the right kind of relationship. There are many people who ask for advice here, but fewer people who listen and really take action on the guidance and insights they receive. Keep up the good work. 🙂
Hello, Isotta. You ask interesting questions. I thought I’d hop in here and respond to this one.
Men and women both experience a surge of oxytocin (a hormone that causes us to feel emotionally bonded to others) after sex. But the effect is much more profound for women than it is for men. Women have a hard time NOT becoming emotionally attached to a man they have sex with, even if they started with no desire to build a long term relationship with him. In contrast, men often feel satisfied for a few days after sex and are often happy to just keep having occasional sex without committing to anything more.
It’s not that men and women are opposites on this issue. Rather, it’s that guys are more likely to feel satisfied with a relationship staying the same once it reaches a point where sex is involved. That’s one of the reasons it’s better for sex to follow a gradual progression of increasing intimacy with a guy.
It’s not that he won’t ever start to have feelings for you (beyond lustful desire). It’s that he probably won’t pursue you on the level of emotional intimacy unless he feels the challenge and excitement of doing so. Perhaps that is a question worth pondering. How can you challenge him to build something more with you? Something hot and beautiful you both want but don’t yet share?
Always on your side,
JamesHi Ashley. I apologize for the delayed response. Apparently, none of us noticed this post and then it got buried under the stack of new posts coming in.
That certainly is a painful experience you have been through. Beautiful in many ways, but heartbreaking for sure.
I believe what it comes down to is this. Some people bottle up anger and hide it rather than confronting people. And then they release that anger all at once in a sudden torrent, surprising the people around them who had no idea the anger was building up like that.
I can imagine the discussions this man may have had with a therapist or someone who cares about him. They likely would’ve asked him about this deep passion he felt and why things were not moving forward. I imagine them telling him that “actions speak louder than words” and that he should look past his feelings for you and instead consider what your actions tell him about how important he is to you.
I myself have coached many people who find themselves deeply in love with someone who is still married. I always tell them not to pursue a relationship like that until they see real action (rather than promises) to end things. I imagine he may have received advice to that effect from the people in his life. And at some point, once his anger broke, he vilified you. While you took action after that point, he may have already sealed off his heart in a self-protective move.
While it is not easy to recover from a scenario like this, it is still possible. Only you know if it would be wise (or even tolerable) for you to hold out hope to rekindle a relationship with him. But if you choose to do so, then let me mention one other thing.
People often focus on solving a problem after something like this happens. And the more you talk about the problem, apologize for the problem, and focus your communication on the problem, the more it seals the relationship into a part of the other person’s mind that has to do with fighting, standing up for yourself, or wading through painful emotions associated with the feelings of loss and rejection.
Some people get better results by openly admitting the mistake, telling a short story that captures the tragedy that unfolded between the two of you, and then explaining the choice to stop talking about the problem and instead focusing communication on just being there for the other person as someone who still considers him a friend. A person worth talking to and communicating with about the little things in life.
I realize that at this point he is ignoring your communication, or at least pretending to. And I also imagine you would eventually get angry if he did not respond to attempts to keep the doors of communication open. I typically only recommend this course of action to people who believe they would be able to send occasional messages of this sort without getting angry at the likely long-term silence from the other side.
Keeping the doors of communication open makes it more likely that at some point, when his mood shifts or when he remembers something pleasant about his interactions with you, that all it will take is an impulse to reach out. Then anything becomes possible once more.
