[E B]

Hi Kanya,
No, we haven’t been clear that this is a relationship. I get the impression that he thinks it’s more of a hook up situation. Only because of his behaviour – and the fact that he doesn’t seem to make much effort to plan ahead to meet up.
From what he says, he does appear to be overwhelmed with two jobs. He is branch secretary of Unite the union. This is how we first got to know each other. We met the employers regularly and often achieved win-win outcomes together. We also represented individual trade union members, on numerous issues. It was extremely hard work but it was good to help members and support them in difficult times. I have been an active trade unionist ever since I was 16, and he also has been doing this for a long time. While I do it in my spare time, he does it in between his main job, in the transport department of Somerset County Council, local government area,(yes, we are both from Somerset, me from Glastonbury!). So he does work very hard. However, it appears to me that he prioritises his friends a lot more than me. We last met on March 28.
I do get regular texts from him, sometimes every day, or every other day. The longest period of him not texting is generally 3 days.
The last time I heard from him was the day before yesterday, he initiated a series of questions about something.
I’ve just seen a text pop up on my screen. Will read it and get back to you!

[E B]

Hi Kanya,
Where can I obtain the book you mentioned called, ‘A Fine Romance’? It sounds intreauging. It would be nice to have a hard copy, but if it’s American, it might not be too easy to order it from a bookshop.
I have been writing down my thoughts about all this, particularly the ones concerning my crumple buttons. Regarding the latter, my emotions feel quite raw. The anger I feel is basically frustrated desire. I experienced this a few years ago when I was in a similar situation to this one. He was also a friend and when we finally slept together it opened up a huge bottomless pit of neediness. Along with sexual desire were intense feelings of anger.
I don’t need or want to talk to Paul about any of this, just my closest friends. But more importantly, have a clear conversation within myself in order to gain clarity….& not to take any action yet, just stay with the feelings of ambivalence regarding whether I want to see him again or not – and observe what’s going on inside me.
Both occasions when I felt so furious were to do with having casual sex. So it’s obviously not for me, even though I crave it when I’m having that kind of affair.
If you knew me you would see that I’m not usually angry or in the grip of strong swirling emotions.
When I leaned back for a short while he sent me a few nice texts. But it feels like when I engage with him I feel v flattered by his compliments – but maybe this keeps me in the loop, hanging on, feeling dependent and needy. So even being solely friends restimulates the negative feelings I have. But they weren’t there when we were just good friends before.
Sorry about long email Kanya.
Enjoy your day x

[E B]

Thanks for your prompt reply Heidi. I didn’t realise what strong emotions and feelings I have towards him, but yes, you are right. Frankly, from my past experiences of successful long term relationships, it was easy, no drama or buttons being pushed. I did work with Paul for a few years and we got on well, when I was in that job. But it’s easy to be friends with someone you’re working well with. Different now since we slept together.
I’ve just got to remember and bear in mind that I like my hobbies, relaxing with friends and on my own. Rehearsals for my play are going well and we are all enjoying this.
Leaning back will give me an excellent chance to”regroup”, relax and enjoy my life.
I also need to examine why I have these crumple buttons!
Best,
Eva

[E B]

Since my last email I have changed my mind slightly. Paul texted me later, after our phone call. To summarize my feelings, I am still interested in seeing him again eventually, but not until I lean back for a week or so. If he contacts me, & he usually does when I don’t get in touch for a while, I see what happens. Our relationship is relatively new and I so love being with him. I was furious with him, because I thought he had a whole week off and we didn’t get together. Since learning that he was working and very busy, I see things in a different way. Maybe leaning back and just being friends for a while might help clarify things for me and him.
His texts the other night made clear that he still wants to see me. I’ll leave it up to him to suggest a day and time. I like leaning back, it’s relaxing and I always look forward to him contacting me again when he misses me.
I hope I am not deluding myself. I’m just not ready to give up on this new relationship. And I want to be honest when we next meet up. Instead of trying to play it cool, I will let him know that I would like to see him more often than we usually do. And tell him that I feel relaxed about him possibly not being able to see me as often as I would like or as keen as me to meet more regularly. When we do finally get together again, it will be only the fourth time that we have done this. I think we need to make a good connection every time we meet, then I can assess and review how things are going.
I am keeping an open mind about other men when I’m out and about. I have so many activities I’m involved with where I meet interesting men, and fantastic friends.
I hope I’m not kidding myself, it’s a learning curve, one I am enjoying enormously.
What do you think?
Warm regards,
Eva Bryczkowski

[E B]

We talked on the phone and my boyfriend said that he didn’t have 10@ days off, just the Easter weekend when his children appeared on different days. He’s so busy at work and a lot of people are off sick that he couldn’t take the extra days off. Staff are supposed to take their leave by the end of March, but he had to carry his over into April. So he still hasn’t had his 5 days off yet because they are so busy. I said that it wd have been helpful if he’d told me that in the week.
I’m afraid I told him that our affair has been a total disaster, we were closer when we were friends.
He said he would dwell on what I said and might text me later. I won’t hold my breath. We are incompatible. He said he likes me, thinks I’m very sexy, and values my intelligence highly. I just don’t think we communicate well, or I try to and tend to get nowhere. He’s just not the one for me. I’ve had successful long term relationships and am still friends with all my exes. With my latest ex, Richard, we lived together for 16 years and have been friends for 5 years since then. He often comes round to walk our dog. Sorry for the long message. I’m going to enjoy being single for a while and appreciate all the good things in my life, and the wonderful close friends. I’m very lucky really.

[E B]

Do you think I should have this conversation via text? At least I’ll feel in control of my emotions and the words I want to use. Face to face is probably best. But another part of me wants him to know how I feel quite soon.
I also feel that instead of having conversations with him in my head, I should just mainly be clear within myself. I am angry with him but don’t want to show it. I have to be crystal clear myself.

[E B]

Yes, I’d like to have that conversation with him. I replied to his text the next day saying, No worries X. He replied, You have sexy tits X. 2 hours later I said, enjoy the rest of your week off x. Sorry to mention so many texts. He replied, just the weekend!x I replied, Well, you have been off since Good Friday plus two days, in my book!x He replied, hmm, what are you doing next week? x
3 hours later I sent him a picture of me at a gig enjoying myself.
An hour later I said, Why do you want to know what I’m doing next week? x
I think I’ll lean back now. He just isn’t the one for me. Even as a friend. Key qualities I desire in friends are kindness, reliability, honesty, sensitivity, consideration, and so on. He doesn’t meet one of the most important of these criteria. If he asks again, I’ll suggest that we meet in a pub. Then I will have that conversation with him. Thank you so much for your input. It’s hard to move on, I feel I must, for the sake of my happiness. I’ve had very successful long term relationships. This is the opposite of what I want. How can I move on, is the question for me now.

[E B]

My boyfriend sent me a text tonight simply saying he was sorry he didn’t get back to me. I’m very upset, because he was supposed to be off work this week – I feel so rejected and unimportant in his life. I don’t know his reasons for not texting me but there’s certainly a pattern here.
I’m not going to text him either because I want to be calm first, or because I want him to text me again. At least I have a very busy and fulfilling life. I’m not sure what to do next

[E B]

Do you mean when he had to cancel because his son was there?
I sent a text saying that I was in the middle of putting my sexy underwear on so would take it off now
His response was very positive. He asked me to visit the next day. The next morning he cancelled again because his grown up son was staying another day and his mother was collecting him the next day. I sent a friendly text. Have heard nothing since Monday and I know he has a few days off from work. So apart from the text I sent him on Wednesday, I am leaning back, and will try and not text him for at least a week

[E B]

I have texted him with most of the words you wrote with some of my own. You are right, he was defensive when I broached the subject with him on the phone on Saturday. Yes, it’s better to inspire him.
I will wait and see.
It’s Wednesday now, and I haven’t texted him since he wrote to me on Monday. I was going to try to ignore him for a week, but I think it’s better to be clear about what I’d like to happen.

[E B]

I will try this out!

[E B]

Dear Kanya,
Would it be possible for other women in our’club’ to join in and comment on my situation? I’d really appreciate some more points of view!
Warm regards,
Eva Bryczkowski

[E B]

Hi Kanya,
I can’t cut and paste. I will write it again.
I have known Paul for a few years when we were working alongside each other. I left and we lost touch. We got in contact again in October 2018 and he told me that he’d always fancied me, which was a surprise. We saw each other at trade union meetings and were in constant touch with texts and phone calls. I often ask him for help with work and other things, feeding his hero instinct. We slept together 3 times, December 17th 2018, January 12th, 28th March 2019. We live an hour away from each other. He constantly says and I know he’s very busy with work.
I wrote him a letter: ‘Show me that you really like me, and genuinely want to make time to see me’. Text messages and a phone conversation showed that he didn’t understand this at all. He finds time to see friends in London UK & other cities. He suggested we see each other the next day. I’m sure he wouldn’t have suggested it if I hadn’t sent the letter. Then he cancelled yesterday because his adult son arrived from London, asking me to visit today. He texted me this morning saying that his son was staying another day and his mother would collect him tomorrow.
I’m frustrated but sent him a nice amusing text in response.
He often tells me he loves my brain and the way I think, & he finds me very sexy. We send each other sexy texts and he says he’s never done this before and he gets totally turned on, as I do.
We have a lovely time together when we meet. If he doesn’t make more effort to make time to see me more often, I will suggest we just remain friends but this will be extremely hard to do. I have a happy and fulfilling life and I will need to be very strong to move on.

[E B]

Thanks for taking the time to read my email. I replied to your question regarding giving you more details about the situation in another email.
Is there any way of transferring or forwarding the email to this forum?
Not sure how to do this. Is there any way you can do this Kanya?
Eva Bryczkowski x

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