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Paul and I have just been texting each other about business matters.
It felt pleasant at first. Then about 5 minutes ago he texted that he

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Thanks Kanya!
I have a question.
There are a lot of videos and adverts out there, which, if their relationship “rules” are followed, will make the most reluctant man obsess about a woman, fall totally in love with her, marry her, and so on – even when she has almost lost hope, when he has treated her like she is nothing to him, (while he means everything in the world to her) These rules, words of advice, magic texts, leaning back, reconnecting with feminine energy, and so on – how come they work when, as in my case, the man has made it obvious that he doesn’t want to make time for her, cancelled many times, and there are red flags everywhere?
Is it possible that, while she may be happy that he totally wants her now, unlike before, this could be temporary, that his true ‘character’ will come out eventually? Or he might feel loving towards her but then grow hot and cold? To sum up basically, that he’s wrong for her in almost every way. For example, he meets very few of her non negotiatables – so surely there’s no point in even trying out these powerful techniques. I might work out the answer for myself eventually – but I’d love to know what you and Heidi think!
PS it’s 3 minutes shy of 10pm and I’m wondering what time it is where you both are!
xx

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Aww thank you!
I’m wondering whether it might be an idea for me or yourselves to recommend your coaching to people in the Goddess group.
At the moment, I am enjoying leaning back and distancing myself to create space to focus on where I want to go to next. This has worked beautifully. Two examples: I have made friends with a lovely group of people. Last night we went to a pub and just laughed our heads off for most of the evening, very enjoyable and therapeutic!
Also, I had a serious deadline to meet, (speaking to the County Council next week). Questions and full statement (to back up and provide evidence for points made in the statement) have to be submitted by email by 5 o’clock deadline tomorrow so that they can print them ready for the meeting next Wednesday. I always prefer to be a day early when I have deadlines to meet. So it was good to be able to focus on something that I find interesting.
The only trouble is, I feel extremely angry with Paul and the way he has treated me, repeatedly having angry conversations with him inside my head. I know that he owes me nothing, and I owe him nothing – but I find it very unpleasant when I do this.
After 4 days leaning back, with him texting me, I have now sent him a email about Council business. He is very experienced at this sort of thing and provides invaluable advice. So I don’t mind being in contact with him about purely business concerns.
He almost immediately responded with a text and question. Again, I centred my reply on solely business matters.
If he texts me about personal things, and pays me compliments, eg on how much I turn him on, I need to be very strong in order to just keep our relationship limited to business concerns. Yet a big part of me wants to engage in personal stuff, and even to see him if he suggests this. He did, for example, text me to ask me a week ago what I was doing the following week. I replied that if he had any spare time, could we meet in a pub in his lunch break. He didn’t respond to this.
I prefer to meet up in a pub rather than at his home because I don’t want to be tempted to sleep with him again, (even though I’d love to!).
Even if he does respond and suggest a particular day and time, I wouldn’t be surprised if he cancelled yet again – like saying his children have suddenly turned up, (apparently they just travel from London and land on him with no notice whatsoever, according to him). I can’t count the number of times he has cancelled at the last minute because of them visiting him suddenly.
Or he might cancel at the last minute because he has to work – without providing me with alternative days and times when we could meet.
Instead of saying to him that I don’t believe he will stick to this arrangement, I’d like to keep it positive, being clear about what I would like to happen.
Frankly, I am ‘going off’ him steadily, and am sick of his unreliable behaviour. He hardly meets any of my non negotiable criteria. So why do I feel excited and very pleased when I receive a text from him? And why would I love to see him? And want him to pursue me and measure up by responding to my feedback? To change, when I know full well that he won’t? And even if he does, it won’t be permanent? He has clearly stated that he is not marriage material a couple of times at least. I’ve always been clear that I just wanted to see him every now and again, more than once in a blue moon. I also said that I felt he was insulting my intelligence by treating me, because I suggest we see each other, as if I wanted to marry him, (and trap him?). RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE!
I still want to see him to be clear with him about how I have been affected by his behaviour – and to stress that I’m almost questioning whether I even want to be friends with him again, (I did do the latter in our last phone call, he didn’t seem bothered, but said that he would dwell on it). The reason for this is so that I can get closure. But more importantly, I don’t want to bottle up my feelings if he texts me or speaks to me on the phone. I imagine I will, for a while, have these angry conversations with him inside my head, very unsatisfactory, and distracting – even though there are so many good things in my life, also clear goals I will enjoy focusing on.
So I’m left with these enormous unpleasant feelings of anger. I could try e tapping. I’ve been soo busy, work wise and going out enjoying myself. It is on my to do list. I’m ticking off the most urgent things. But I have to treat your suggestion with urgency as well.
Lots of contradictions above. I also need to do a conflict resolution process, and resolving grief, (NLP).
Arrrrrrgh! Why am I still obsessing about him? Still it’s getting better, especially when I’m spending a whole evening laughing with new friends. Or other pleasurable activities, like relaxing at home, I love that.
Best,
Eva

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Meant to write soo!

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Thank you soon much Heidi.
The money I pay to get this valuable coaching from you and Kanya is worth every penny, or in your case, cent.
Feel free to use my words and recommendation to others.
Best,
Eva x

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Yes, from a friend years ago. I will look it up.
I am neuro linguistic master practitioner. I went to the university of California, Santa Cruz, some time ago, and learned from the co originators, (John Grinder, Judith DeLosier, Cameran Bandler, etc).
Then I assisted Robert Dilts at Regents College on his Practitioner training.
The reason I mention all this is because, yesterday I started using the Grief Resulution Strategy from the book, ‘Heart of the Mind’, it was very effective. Because I’ve been ridiculously busy I haven’t completed it yet.
I will certainly try tapping and look on Utube. But first I have deadlines to meet for speaking at two Somerset County Council meetings. Have to submit questions and statements, observing the correct protocols by email. I’m enjoying it.
So your suggestion is on my to do list!
Best,
E

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I mistakenly mentioned the name Nigel instead of Paul’s. Nigel is a good friend of mine.

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Hello Heidi,
I think and feel a lot stronger the last couple of days.
After you wrote about red flags, and Paul not being able to forgive the women he perceives as hurtful, I have a lot more clarity now. My energy and thoughts are definitely moving away from Nigel. I am enjoying ife to the full, so that has helped me to move.
But I still look out for Paul’s texts. They please me and turn me on, which might lead me to be tempted next time he asks if we can meet up again. But I’m sure I will be able deal with it.
Best,
Eva Bryczkowski
xx

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No!!!
I wrote a lot more than this but I can’t find it.
Will look again tomorrow.
Thanks x 100
xx

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Soo, not soon, meant to write

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Oops
Instead of thinking of what I don’t want, which creates a self-fulling prophecy, I want to focus on where I want to get to.
Thank you soon much for your sage advice. Get your boss or potential clients to read what I have just written! Maybe you are your own boss – then give yourself a big pat on the back, if that’s physically possible!
Eva xx

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No!!!
You have hit the nail
on the head – he constantly moans about two of his exes, repeatedly every time I see him.
I listen because we have a lovely time on his sofa laughing, and I feel very relaxed.To be honest, I listen carefully and patiently because I fancy him a lot, and I look forward to the sex later.
But he doesn’t seem that interested in anything I bring up. I have a reasonably interesting life, and I do have some lovely men friends who are excellent listeners. Paul will speak for 5 minutes and when I try to speak it’s difficult.
I’ll think about this some more.
I’ve decided that, inste

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Another piece of information. I am retired, so I have a lot more free time than Paul to do all these activities compared to him.
He’s a few years younger than me so not retired yet. In the last relationship he had, very long distance, (6 years), the woman was 3 years older than me, so I feel reassured by that. Although I’m 67 many people think & say that I look around 50. I am very confident about how I look.
One of my activities is modelling nude in a life drawing class; after I left the room, one of the artists told the teacher that I was a beautiful exotic creature, wow! I don’t feel in the slightest bit shy in any situation, fortunately.
He’s just texted me again. And I replied with something funny.
Hope your day goes smoothly and you manage to enjoy yourself.
You are very good at what you do,
Best,
Eva xx

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When he wrote that the Tories had a good thumping, this wasn’t meant literally. We have just had local elections and it means that with less Tory councillors, there will be less savage cuts to services, austerity, redundancies, etc. Many children literally have malutrition from going hungry because people have to work 2 jobs and still unable to pay bills. Even qualified people like nurses have to use food banks set up by charities in order to survive.
Paul and I attend many meetings at the County Council, presenting statements and questions regarding the above. So we do have a lot in common regarding values and activities. I feed his hero instinct by asking him for his help with all of this, and he enjoys explaining how best to approach different committees and councillors. I certainly learn a lot from him. Maybe going back to being friends takes the pressure off. It was certainly easier when we were friends before, more relaxed and the sexy texts were fun. I have already suggested this, his text just said, “I note your observations!”
I have just replied to his text, telling him I’d been dancing to a great band, (which was true), and asking how he was.
I go up and down mood wise regarding relating to him. I still have an enormous amount to learn!
Eva xx

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His text simply said, “The Tories got a good thumping in Somerset County Council!”
(Basically, the Tory government are a bit like the Trump administration, and we support the Labour Party).
His texts are often short.
I will learn back, maybe text him later tonight. I’m at a gig, a good band is on.
I’m totally ambivalent about whether I want to continue thinking that there is hope for us to have a relationship. I continually feel disappointed by his apparent indifference. He might text me regularly, but it’s impossible to know what he is thinking and feeling and I don’t want to push him on this now. It hasn’t worked when I have tried to do this, totally unskilfully I have to say.
When we send each other sexy texts he does tend to show his vulnerability. He will text and text into the early hours telling me how much I turn him on when he thinks about me, with numerous kisses. He’ll sometimes say that he can’t wait to see me. But I get continually frustrated by his lack of following this through.
Hope you don’t mind me writing this in spurts. I’m now on the door, taking money from people who are going in to see the band.
He does say that he has a lot of baggage from his last two relationships, it makes him reluctant to’commit’ because he doesn’t want to repeat the same mistakes. Initially when he said he fancied me he was reluctant to get into a relationship with anybody because of the baggage. He’s told me the details, and I’ve been a good listener. They are far too much to go into here. Maybe another time. He does tend to live in the past a lot of the time regarding this baggage. It’s like he just can’t move on.
So maybe leaning back and not expecting anything might be the way forward. Also, being open to other men. I do meet a lot of men in my trade union work and other activities. Tonight I’ve had a lovely conversation with a man who runs this building.
Onwards and upwards!
Eva xx

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