[E B]

Gosh, that sounds exciting and effective!
Reaching deeply into myself to learn about how the child within feels.
It’s interesting that you mention not trying to fix it. That would be my instant knee-jerk reaction!
No I don’t do NLP as a job. I used to use it with clients years ago. Also, when teaching rebellious teenagers, eg ‘resistance is useful feedback about your own behaviour’; ‘there is no failure, only feedback’, and lots of techniques to help them enjoy learning. I would join them in their realty for as long as it took, then move them to somewhere more useful.
I am retired now and loving it. I enjoy being an active trade unionist, a member of the Labour Party, meeting up with good friends, modelling nude for a life drawing class, writing plays, among other things.
But it’s important for me just to be, not only doing all the time -Helena Hart, relationship coach, taught me and other goddesses that.
I am going to try out what you have suggested!
Thank you so much xx

[E B]

Yes I have. In Robert Dilt’s book, about pathways to health and wellbeing there are different processes dealing with going back to a certain age and giving the younger me the resources they didn’t have then.
I am an NLP master practitioner and assisted him at the Practitioner training at Regent’s College in London.
Like anything else, eg meditation, use it or lose it. So I will use one of the processes to give the younger me what I didn’t have then, and make sure I give her comfort.
Thanks for all your good ideas.
X X one each to both of you.
Oh why be mean? X X X X !

[E B]

Wow, what a sensational video! Thank you so much for sharing it with me.
And your words made a lot of sense. I’m so incredibly lucky to have yours and Kanya’s wisdom.
The video was so sharp and logical, it made a lot of sense. I was doing exactly what he described, idealising Paul and looking through old texts where he promised to see me and where he said he couldn’t wait. Yet there were loads of experiences of being let down, of deep unhappiness.
So I will make a list, like Ted suggested, of why he wasn’t good for me, of the times I suffered because of his indifference.
I have shared it on Facebook, hope that’s ok.
I went to a fantastic union meeting this evening. On the way back, when I was driving home, I felt furious, talking to him in my mind, expressing my rage I’m not ready to forgive him yet. I know forgiving someone feels better and more empowering. I will do that in time.
Now I am home, I feel a sense of peace washing over me.
Regarding my past, that wd be a great place to start. My father was very loving. He was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, which sometimes made my childhood difficult. It made me insecure and, as an adult. Because of the instability I experienced, I need my friends to be 1000% reliable. Seeing him being dragged away in a straightjacket when I was a toddler, made me cling to my mother all night long, as if to say, ‘you have taken him away, you’re not taking mum away too.’ My mother told me this.
Luckily I have had exes who gave me that security. And now that I’m single, I need to provide this for myself.
I will do some digging into my past.
X X X 💓

[E B]

I haven’t replied to your query because I cancelled my monthly payment by accident.
As you described before, one day I feel peaceful and glad that I’m no longer struggling to deal with a relationship which wasn’t working. But other days I feel the opposite.
Like today. I feel a deep extreme sadness. I’m missing him. I want to see him and enjoy being on his sofa and laughing with him again. But why am I suffering so much when I know that he was no good enough for me? That I don’t have to struggle anymore?
I desperately want to hear him say what was going on for him via a vis us, but I already know! I know I must be empowered and strong enough to work on myself and provide what I want from the deep resources within me. Expecting him to supply them is useless.
I so want him to miss me, text me, realise what he has lost, and tell me this.
How ridiculous and improbable this all is!
I’m just going through agony at the moment.
I finished with him in January and really missed him. We kept in touch by text. Then, to my delight, he asked if we could get together again.
Why oh why am I grieving over a relationship that was so unfulfilling? Surely I should be happy to move on from that.
This sadness is physical, a feeling deep within my tummy

[E B]

Ah forgot the end of the Representation of the People’s Act, missed out the word Act.
We are having a rehearsal and meeting this evening to discuss and brainstorm ideas for getting more actors on board. I am looking forward to that.
Thanks for your wisdom yet again! It’s good to know that riding the waves, seeing them as the natural process of grieving – and knowing they will come and go. Paul and I still are emailing each other about Council business.
Yesterday evening I sent him a picture of me standing outside the theatre, in front of a beautiful mural which had the words: PER CHANCE TO DREAM. I was a couple of streets away from where he lives. It was just a way of saying ‘hi’. And for him to know that I have a life that I am enjoying away from him. Does this break the no contact rule? At least I didn’t send him a text. I’m determined to lean back for as long as I can. It has only been 4 days now, but it’s a lot less contact than before.
I do think of him a hell of a lot, but maybe that’s part of the process of letting go.

[E B]

One of my big projects is putting on the play I have written. Then there are trade union meetings, I am the chairperson of one of the unions, and I thoroughly enjoy doing that. I am also an observer at the counting of postal votes for the European elections, which will culminate in the final count of the votes which were not postal ones. I am there to check that people counting the votes are doing it properly and comply with the Representation of the People’s guidelines. I find this very interesting. Plus other activities.

[E B]

Hi Heidi and Kanya,
I feel a lot better this evening. I actually cried this morning and there were tears, which was good.
I felt a huge sense of relief afterwards. My lovely lodger, (I have known him for 21 years), was very supportive.
Then my close friend suddenly invited me to go and see a play with her because her husband had a bad back and couldn’t go.
It was extra special because we both live in Glastonbury but are always too busy to see each other, so it was a great opportunity to chat and catch up on news.
The play was an hour away in Taunton and it was astounding, awesome. We were laughing, then crying and went through a whole gamut of emotions. It inspired and helped me to improve the quality of my play that we are in the middle of producing.
The theatre was a couple of streets away from where Paul lives, so I felt a bit sad about that. But I have to be strong and carry on with the cold turkey and withdrawal symptoms. I still want him to miss me and say this. But I have to give up on the fantasy of thinking things will improve. I miss him.
So I will do my best to meet my needs and move on. It’s very difficult to do this at the moment

[E B]

I feel different now,no longer peaceful. Every now and again I sort of cry without tears, I can’t remember the last time I cried actual tears, at least 20 years ago.
So as I’m leaning back. I’m missing being with him so much – even though he was always working too hard and didn’t make much effort. I know there are way better men who will be more suited to me, I just wish I didn’t miss him so much.
My ex, Richard, was lovely in every way. We lived together for 16 years, then made a mutual decision to part, (it wd take too long to go into it here). This was 5 years ago, so we’ve known each other for 21 yrs in total. We still see each other a lot just as friends. He’ll come over and walk our dog and often stay for dinner.
So I know what it’s like to be with someone who truly cares about me.
I’m hurting inside and extremely angry with Paul, going round in circles. I know saying goodbye to him has been a good thing, but I miss his sexy texts. A big part of me would be happy for us to just relate on that level even if we don’t meet up. How silly is that?
I feel so flattered by his compliments, and I thoroughly enjoy our exchanges. I also feel very embarrassed to admit all this to you.
I know I must cut out all contact, but it’s so hard right now. Yet other times I feel good and glad I’ve started to move forward away from any delusions that things will ever improve between us.
We were friends before we slept together and a big part of me would like to go back to being friends again. But I don’t know whether that wd work, probably not, it will keep me entangled. But the thought of not being in touch feels like a bereavement.
I’m on a knife edge emotionally, wanting to sleep with him again, which is stupid, or, to use kinder words, very unwise. I feel a deep sense of sadness even though I know he isn’t right for me.
And, yes, I have to do work on myself and expect nothing from him. Concentrate on all the wonderful things in my life and build on them. Heal myself.
I keep flip flopping from feeling peaceful to feeling the opposite.

[E B]

Hi Kanya,
I haven’t been in touch because I’ve been sooo busy lately.
I didn’t take you up on your suggestion in the end, although I know that a lot of people who have expertise in the area of relationships say that it’s best to just write to yourself.
However, I wanted to stop the endless conversations with him inside my head by actually going through the reasons why he didn’t meet my criteria for friendship, and also for a relationships in general.
In many ways this letter, via what’s app, was more for my benefit than his.
I doubt whether he would have taken anything I said on board anyway.
So instead of me struggling to convince him of anything, since writing the letter I’m relaxed about it all now, almost relieved, and am enjoying leaning back. I’m not there yet, but I’m starting to untangle. And when I do, it feels peaceful.
And one thought shocked me today. I don’t even love him. The chemistry you alluded to certainly overwhelmed and consumed me. And the, unconscious until now, belief that he’s the only one out there, so I tried to adapt and tolerate behaviours that were not good for me.
I must admit that I do read the letter a lot, but it serves as a useful reminder to keep strong and enjoy life MORE now that he is no longer in it.
Enjoy your weekend xx

[E B]

I feel more forgiving of him now. What’s there to forgive? He was just being himself. He never judged me like I judged him, was always gentle, unlike me, I was sometimes critical, explaining that I wanted him to know what I was feeling when he let me down and was unreliable. I could have been more positive instead of staying what I DIDN’T want I cd have said what I did want, and did he want it too? I wasn’t in my feminine energy.
I’m tempted to text him to say sorry, or writing him a kind letter. The latter, if I managed to do this, could be a way of getting closure within myself.
But if I do either of those things I’ll just be entangled again. He’s an adult who can sort things out for himself. As I am, I want to start straightaway to resolve things and heal the wounded parts of myself. To set specific, achievable, and realistic goals. To chunk them down to manageable outcomes….then bit by bit, go bigger.
xx

[E B]

Hi Heidi,
I think, and hope, I understand what you are saying about entanglement. Yes, I still am entangled. Sometimes, more often recently, whenever I am enjoying myself with friends, or alone at home doing something that is rewarding, etc., I don’t think and obsess about Paul. But as you can see, I have a long way to go before I can move on mentally and emotionally from him.
I am ashamed to admit that one of my motives for sending the pictures was, partly to symbolically to say,
‘I’ve moved on, you have lost me now’. This is because he did ask me a couple of times recently what I was doing the next week, and that he wanted to see me. The day and night before the photos he texted me quite a few times. And, on a regular basis he will text me until 4am telling me how turned on he is thinking about me. We both enjoyed sending each other these kinds of texts.I actually think he probably did want to see me, but because of his stated ‘baggage’, and being genuinely very busy, he was ambivalent, and doesn’t have a clue about what he is actually doing, or not doing to make sure this happens. I accept that he hasn’t made much of an effort regarding this – but he constantly tells/told me that he likes me very much, finds me amazingly sexy, but most of all he loves my intelligence. I do think he will miss me, but I’m not missing him. On the one hand, it feels very peaceful to know that it’s definitely over, no more double guessing about what to do next and so on. On the other hand, while I think it’s excellent that I feel certain that it’s a good thing that the affair is over now because he doesn’t meet my non negotiatables, a big part of me still engages in angry conversations with him internally- and I still want to meet him in a pub to talk about it, get it off my chest and not bottle it up to hopefully make my peace with him and get closure. But as I write this, I can see that will lead to further entanglement. I need to resolve these things within myself. Another motive was partly to let him know that it’s ok now, I have moved on and have an interesting life with lots of good friends, that it’s definitely over.
I’m not expressing exactly what I want to say here. Oh, I think know now, just to let him know, (and me be aware of it inside me), that there is now a definite boundary between us which can’t be crossed: it’s over.
I honestly don’t think I want anything from him now…. except closure. But, I know absolutely I should hould do this for myself and heal the wounded parts within me.
I’m sure I am full of contradictions. And another thing that I am deeply ashamed of is that I did it partly to punish him for the way he treated me. That’s really bad and not an ethical thing to do. Furthermore, it might backfire on me…. not necessarily with him, but maybe some other guy in the future. In my life, in the past, if I treated someone badly who loved me a lot. He was so smitten with me that he let me have my own way on everything, and I think I abused my power without realising it until much later on. Then some time afterwards, a year or two later I understood what I had done, and experienced what he went through a few times.
Maybe the photos didn’t bother Paul, if he’s not that into me why should he?
I keep acknowledging within myself the things you are saying about meeting my needs. I think, oh I already know about all this and am doing it. But I’m not! Well a little bit. The fact that I want to tell and convince him that he’s wrong about saying he’s always been genuine about wanting to see me but is too busy. To tell him about my non negotiatables, have the last word. Honestly, you can’t get more entangled than that! Who am I kidding? Me, hah! But I want soo much to do this. The conversations in my head are almost compulsive and very habitual. I would rather have these conversations with HIM.
Yes, it’s better and more fundamental to heal myself and meet my own needs instead of wanting him to do it. I honestly believe that I genuinely do NOT want to do the latter. But I am, and it’s another thing I find very hard to admit.
Best,
Eva x x

[E B]

Ah, I’ve just seen your reply to my previous email where I was, (amazing to me now!), guilt tripping and beating myself up. It’s soo brilliant having you here to support me and have a level of detachment that I didn’t have.
Yes yes yes – chemistry is so unbelievably powerful. THAT’S WHAT has been the draw, the need, the almost irresistible pull. I can see it now.
I understand what you are saying about the importance of valuing myself, loving myself. I thought I was doing that already. I’m going in that direction but not there yet. So I will read your email again and again to reinforce this.
I’m looking forward to the meeting next week. There will be over a hundred people there, and the media – BBC TV, ITV TV, radio and newspapers. I enjoy public speaking – and gently, (if I can!), challenging the powers that be when I see evidence of injustice.
So thank you so much for your wisdom
xx
PS The Goddess group is a group of women on Facebook, doing a slightly similar thing to this site. It is free to join the group.
A woman will write in and describe a problem with her relationship and there will be comments from other women about it. Different perspectives. Sometimes Helena Hart and other amazing coaches will put up a post, either video, words or audio recordings. I’ve had so many wise words, phrases, and I often write them down and pin them up on my bedroom wall. There are so many, it’s hard to choose my favourite. The shortest one is:
‘Silence is the best last word.’ It helps me when I want to lean back. I don’t know how I can introduce you to this site. And I’m so busy right now to be able to recommend your coaching to the group.
Maybe you could write some words down?
If I like them I’ll post them. But I am always careful not to make firm promises that I’m not sure whether I can keep.
Thank you again – from the bottom of my heart xx

[E B]

I think I wrote to you earlier but I can’t find it anywhere at the moment.
Today I went with my friend Mark to Priddy and Wookey Hole, beautiful places in Somerset, South West England, near where we both live.
When we went for lunch at a pub I asked him if he wouldn’t mind taking a photo of me looking happy and relaxed at a table in the beer garden. He said yes and immediately took a great pic of me. I sent this to Paul via a text, just writing that I was in Priddy and it was blissful.
Next, we were laughing and decided to ask the waitress to take a picture of us together with his arm around me, which she was happy to do. I sent it and just wrote that I was with a friend – which was true. When I explained, briefly, about my situation with Paul, she split her sides laughing, and so did we. I know it was a bit naughty, but I just wanted to let him know that I have other things going on in my life. Mark often gives me an innocent hug every now and again anyway. Part of me feels that maybe I shouldn’t have sent the pics. But I wanted to and, whatever he thinks about them, is up to him – there’s no point in trying to climb into his head and try to guess what his reaction might have been. I’ve made my point, I’m starting to move on, move forward to a better place.
Mark is a lovely friend. If I do meet a man eventually who likes me very much, and the feeling is mutual,I aim to get to know him for a long time and not jump into bed with him even though we both might want to. I was friends with Richard for a year before we slept with one another and we loved each other equally when we lived together for 16 years. Since then, we have remained close friends, he came round tonight, as he often does. We don’t want to get back together as we have an easy relaxed friendship and want to keep it that way.
A close friend of mine thinks that I should try and stop thinking about Paul, because it will distract me from being open to new relationships, especially to someone who deserves me. She suggested that I block him regarding texts, but email him if I want to ask him about Council business.
I don’t feel ready to do this yet. I still want to meet up with him face to face and somehow make my peace with him. Even as I write this I can see that wanting to do this keeps me attached and he’ll still be in my mind a lot.
So I will block him when I feel ready.
I will see him, among other people, next Wednesday morning when he, my close friend, and me speak to the Council meeting. Mark is also coming along in order to look after Jess, my dog. I don’t want to leave her at home alone. So it’s not the best time to block him and then have to face him before and after the meeting. I want to keep our relating nice, civil and friendly.
It’s a beautiful night, 11.10pm here.
I have so much in my life to be grateful for.
Will tell you about the Goddess group soon.
Remind me please!
Best,
Eva xx
One each!

[E B]

Feel heaps better today.
My lovely sensitive friend Mark is here and we are just about to drive to the countryside. He’s a good listener unlike Paul.
I only intend to be friends with him.

[E B]

to say he was just off to bed. Normally I might have said me too, or something subtle and innocent sounding but definitely suggestive.
All I did tonight was text back- nite.
It might not sound like a big deal but it feels so different to what wd have happened before.
I’m slightly scared that he might start sending sexy texts which will be disorientating…so hoping he won’t. Yet I also WANT him to send them.
I rarely ever cry, but earlier on I cried slightly, no tears, because of all the cancellations, all the times I thought he was really into me, the way I just didn’t recognise how little effort he made. I suppose it’s grief for what I’d hoped for and didn’t get, must remind myself of that. But I will miss sitting on his sofa and laughing, even if he talked about himself endlessly.
I feel a complete fool at the moment writing this now. How I just couldn’t see what was happening in front of my very eyes, and humiliated by his

[Author]

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