[E B]

Ah finally I have communication with you, phew!
Well, I have already disconnected, (on Monday night), and it feels great!
Yesterday, Tuesday, I had a fantastic time with two of my closest friends. One is in a long standing relationship, the other absolutely loves being single, she inspires me so much.
Actually, instead of just talking to myself about how I felt, I expressed what I was feeling to Paul in a series of texts. I needed to let it all out. His replies simply confirmed what I already knew. I needed to do that, and felt a lot better for it. A feeling of release and peace.
The last text was very, (almost word for word), similar to what you suggested that I write.
I feel so relaxed and peaceful.
Thank you for all your wisdom xxxx

[E B]

None of my questions or comments that I submit are being printed, I can’t see them. Also there has been no communication from you both.
I am still paying every month so I don’t understand.
I have sent two emails which have been ignored.
Can you please help, otherwise I will have no alternative but to cancel my subscription.
Obviously, I don’t want to pay every month and get absolutely nothing

[E B]

Yes Heidi.
I’ve already submitted something saying yes and can’t find it. Oh well.
I met someone at the conference for the first time who had a long distant affair with Paul for 6 years, and she experienced exactly the same as me. He kept cancelling arrangements to meet. She’s a long distant friend now and described him as ‘reliably unreliable’.
Also that he’s an alcoholic, which I never noticed. So even if I applied all these wonderful techniques that some coaches recommend and he did want a committed relationship with me, he has a pattern and it wd, as you say, only lead to heartbreak.
Anytime I have tactfully raised issues, via texts or phone, with him about cancelling arrangements, he makes excuses or doesn’t really engage so that we can explore this further.
What the hell am I doing having such a big crush on him, thinking about him a lot? LOVING the texts he sends me knowing that he is unreliable?
I’m not sure if I even want him as a friend anymore.
I’m feeling so furious with him. It’s 1.40am and I can’t sleep I’m so angry with him.
I want to tell him about why I’m walking away. But what’s the point? It won’t register with him.
Writing this down to you gives me more objectivity and I can see how ridiculous it all is.
But I’m drawn like a moth to a flame.
Ggrrrrrrrrr!!
Best,
Eva

[E B]

Yes!!
Busy at conference.
Best,
Eva xx

[E B]

It’s a bit long to recreate it now, but will do when I am less busy.
I am in Bournemouth south England this weekend for a national trade union conference.
The meeting tonight was very inspirational.
A huge majority of working people who have more than one job are living in desperate poverty. We are one of the richest countries in the world yet many children go hungry. At school they pick up sachets of tomato sauce and other sachets of sauce. People can’t pay their rent and bills and rely on charity food banks. One child was so hungry he ate the sponge filling in his pillow.
But people have had enough. They are joining unions, fighting back and many of them are winning. Young workers in Macdonald’s have been on strike; lecturers and college tutors went on strike and won; cleaners in the NHS, as a result of privatisation of the health service, had their pay cut and hours increased so went on strike and won. Bus drivers in our locality asked for a pay rise and the employers refused. The convenor of the union and workers were just about to go on strike then the employers granted them the pay rise.
Yet Trump wants to dismantle our national health service so that it is no longer free at the point of use. People will have to pay insurance and if they are too poor to afford it, what will happen to them?
So health unions and other workers in solidarity with them will fight against this happening.
Nothing has been given to us on a plate. People have had to lose lots of money going on strike to get decent wages and working conditions for everyone. Yet the Tory government, many multi millionaires and other sections of the ruling class will keep on coming back to destroy what has been won. So we become inspired and join together to defend and win what we have already gained.
I’m sorry to go on, I am inspired by so many things and wanted to share some of it with you.
I enjoy the exchange of texts between Paul and me. I’m considering blocking him. It seems the only way to move forward to a better future, whether it’s me being happily single, or open to meeting men who deserve what I have to offer.
But it feels such a big and final thing to do.
The fact that I have the option to unblock may make it easier.
I will miss his texts and our friendship very very much.

[E B]

Hi,
I wrote something last night and pressed submit but I can’t find it anywhere.
Hope it turns up soon,
Best,
Eva

[E B]

I’m not sure what your question meant xx

[E B]

I spend many days on my own and love it.
Today I went out alone to eat in one of my favourite restaurants. Other days I enjoy relaxing at home. Tonight I have two lovely male friends, we ate delicious food, (I love cooking), and are now watching DVDs.
Yet all evening Paul has been texting me. And yes, I still enjoy his attention. I know I need to move on and go forward to something better.
Wierdly, up to a point, in some ways I prefer the excitement of sexual fantasies that we share to a full time real man. The latter feels too overwhelming. Distracting me from my creative work, being single with lots of friends and activities. It’s hard to explain. In my latest play, the leading woman, Dora, an artist, goes out for dinner with the charismatic art gallery owner. When he asks if she is with anybody she explains that she would find it too overwhelming, distract her from creating original art, and from her work as a chief negotiator for world peace. (The play is set from 2003 at the beginning of the Iraq war to 2020, she goes regularly to Paris to meet world leaders, including terrorists, to try and encourage them to feel empathy for the people they kill. The play has romantic relationships in it as well and has a feel good happy ending).
When I got together with Richard, (who I’ve known for 21 years & lived with for 16 years), I stopped writing. I was swept
away by ecstacy, love and sex. But I could change my belief system around that.
My little one wrote that she wanted to be validated, safe and healthy. Also, for her mum and dad to be happy, (they passed away some years ago). The latter surprised me.
I am addicted to sexting with Paul. It feels wonderful. So does smoking. Both are not good for me.
I will leave it there for now.
Might come back and add more.
Thanks for your wisdom.
It has made it obvious what my wounded part is xx

[E B]

Wow, what a wake up call! Yes, you are right. It is a dangerous game. And I’m just getting crumbs from his table, settling for rubbish really.
I have started to talk and listen to my little one. She came up with some surprising things. It’s a long long journey.
If I’m honest, I like the attention and connection I get from him. And, yes, I could be giving myself the attention I crave. It’s easier for both of us to do this. But I can be connected to the deepest part of myself.
I still haven’t discovered the wounded part of myself yet.
I want to lean back but it’s so hard at the moment.
Maybe, well, definitely, if I carry on listening to my little one I should be able to find that wounded part.
My parents loved me unconditionally. I have had beautiful relationships with good quality men. But for the last couple of years I’ve had brief casual affairs. Again, I’ve liked the attention, what’s that all about?
Maybe it’s because I’m older now and have a belief system that, because of my age, I can only have casual affairs. This belief needs to change – fundamentally, deeply.
Also, & I think this is rather shallow, I felt that going out with someone, having a boyfriend, was something to almost boast about, to myself and others. Another reason is that I like sex a lot, even if it’s casual. But then I get emotionally attached and the neediness that arises sucks.
I am working my way through the modules of the Goddess Inner Circle and they are very powerful.
I have a lot of challenges to deal with, that’s for sure!
Best,
E xx

[E B]

I already have a few close male friends who I see quite often. One of them came by this morning. We had a good chat about personal things, and laughed a lot. I cooked us breakfast while he walked my dog.
I feel quite relaxed in regard to attracting a committed relationship.
I’m enjoying being receptive and in my feminine energy.
I have learned about this from the Goddess Club Inner Circle, Helena Hart and others have created some fabulous modules. I read one last night and it was mind blowing. I have a free trial until the 16th of June, and typed in my card details. I’m almost certain that I will want to continue with it and pay monthly. It’s already influencing me, I love being receptive, unlike before when I was in my masculine energy, constantly trying to make things happen in a rather forceful way.
By the way, I have advertised your wonderful service to the Goddess group saying that what you are doing for me is excellent value for money.
Paul was texting me far into the early hours, then this morning from work.
I imagine it’s the thrill of the chase again. If I dare ever sleep with him again I imagine that he will probably go hot and cold, and pull away somewhat. Once bitten twice shy, well, bitten more than once.
I have told him that the best way to avoid any more cancellations is to not arrange to meet again.
The only thing is, I am enjoying the interaction and attention. I’m determined to only relate to him via text. This will probably be very hard at first. I’ll keep watching Ted and read through your different words of wisdom xx

[E B]

I’m feeling confident and at peace with myself. Am a bit frustrated about being too slow getting through my To Do list.
Paul has been texting me a lot. I’ve stayed in my feminine energy. Unlike before where I would pursue him I have remained receptive.
You are not going to like this, but we have been sexting, (instead of no contact). I have enjoyed it a lot. But I’m coming from the place where I’m not particularly bothered about meeting up with him. I feel happy and fulfilled right now in my life so I don’t really need any more than enjoying communicating via text.
If this all goes 🍐 pear shaped then I will learn from this and it’ll give me more reasons to be 100% certain that he doesn’t deserve me regarding a committed relationship. But we have had such an easy friendship over the years. Negotiating together on behalf of our trade union with employers, often achieving good things, sometimes being frustrated about not doing so. This, at the moment, is more important to me than having a sexual relationship with him. I already know his failings, his patterns, in this regard.
So I’ll continue to enjoy the texts, (definitely not all sexy), and leave it at that.
While he writes often that he wants to see me soon, with no day and date in mind, I can see through it. I’m not putting my energy into arguing with him about it. Just being fully aware inside myself. I’d like to think that he has changed, but that is just a pipe dream at the moment.
Maybe it’s a bad idea and dangerous being in touch, but I like it. I’m resolutely single, enjoying seeing my friends. The key question is whether being in touch stops me being open to other men who are more suitable.
So I may be going backwards…. but I like him pursuing me, even if it’s probably shallow. It makes a change from before.
I am still concentrating on what’s inside of me, and what needs to be healed. It’s a long journey with lots of twists and turns xx

[E B]

I am the only person who is able to give myself the security and love that I need.
By saying goodbye to Paul and I can eventually say hello to someone new who deserves me.
I already have close female and male friends, this almost satisfies my needs for intimacy and joy, but in a relaxed way, without the the chemistry and possible neediness.
I’ll sign off now and go to bed xx

[E B]

Paul is asking to see me.
My emotions are stirred up because of this.
I will watch Ted’s video again. I haven’t had time so far to talk and listen to my little one. But I have put paper and crayons on my desk ready to go through the process.

[E B]

I will do this later.
I’m stuck in traffic on the way to the picket line of the Trelleborg factory workers who are on strike. They have received no pay rise for 5 years and are sticking up for themselves. The Trelleborg company have made enormous profits and the bosses earn hundreds of thousands of pounds. The atmosphere on the picket line is fantastic. Drivers passing by are tooting their horns in support.
Lots of goodwill.
Gotta go now xx

[E B]

If I had to write out an advert for what you, and others on this site do, what words could I use? I want to be accurate & advertise your service to the Goddess group I belong to on Facebook.
What might possibly be easier/better than me doing it, could be yourselves googling the Goddess group, then you can go from there.
That’s if you want to advertise xx

[Author]

Posts