[E B]

Hi Heidi,
Yes, it helps to read your letter.
The only thing is, if he texts me to say hello, or ask me how I am, or anything else it feels rude not to reply. A way of dealing with this is to send a short reply, preferably one word,a day later.
Eva

[E B]

The past 2 years I have been dating, off and on, a man who lives an hour away. When we arrange to meet he often cancels. I have finished with him many times. But somehow this doesn’t last.
This time I am absolutely determined that it is over.
How can I stick to this decision this time?I feel peaceful and relaxed not engaging with him when he texts me, just replying a day later with one word replies.
I googled the term, “breadcrumbing “, and I think that is what he’s doing with me.
I don’t want to block him. We’ve been friends for ages.
How can I stay firm with my choices?
Eva

[E B]

I’m wondering, and this might be very wrong, (so please don’t analyse it too much, I worked in this area a few years ago, setting up Incest Survivors as an offshoot of Bristol Rape Crisis Centre, counselling and setting up self help groups, etc), whether it might be to do with me being sexually abused by my uncle when I was 12. He mainly French kissed me but I became very assertive in the end, refusing to go any further. I was quite a feisty assertive child from the word go. And I told my parents, while an overwhelming number of survivors keep it a secret.
Why did, (& I still do), feel the opposite with Paul, not scared, but comfortable?

[E B]

Also, I’m a bit scared, not of Ken, but of something else I can’t put my finger on. That he might want me more than I want him, or, the same thing, I might want him more than he wants me. But I could, next Monday, casually mention that I like being single and always take a very long time to get to know someone.
But I just don’t understand why it’s scary.
I have got to know him from going to the same meetings and we know quite a few people from all the different types of meetings.
He’s been to my house twice now. Once to give me feedback on my play, (he’s a published writer), and last Friday for dinner, which by the way, was the worst meal I’ve ever cooked! And usually I’m an excellent cook, no false modesty!
And this friendship might lead nowhere.

[E B]

I have been offline regarding your wonderful coaching because it was cancelled in error, not by me, but somewhere in the system something went wrong.
I’ve been getting to know a man, (not the one I mentioned before, though he’s lovely too), and I’m taking it very slowly. He’s a bit older than me, which makes a big change, I normally attract men who are way way younger.
We have met 3 times so far. He’s cooking me dinner next Monday evening. It may lead absolutely nowhere but it’s nice being friends. And I’m experiencing the opposite of what I had with Paul. Ken is reliable and considerate.
Meanwhile the rest of my life is interesting.
Met up with my friends this lunchtime and we have met another woman we like and she has joined us in our circle.
But why do I think about Paul a lot to the point of obsession? Why when I know he’s wrong for me, and I don’t entirely respect him?
Habit? Still unrealistically hoping he’ll change when he absolutely won’t? Even if he did it wouldn’t be good enough because of what I’ve experienced so far of his indifferent behaviour, lacking in empathy.

[E B]

No, I haven’t. Not at all.

[E B]

What I meant was – I wish I’d told Paul I would block him BEFOREHAND, rather than just suddenly ignoring him, excuse shouty capitals.
I am full of regret about this. It’s been a long time since I last had the feeling of regret. Apart from when I think about either of my deceased parents.
They were so loving.
From being a teenager all the way up to adulthood I was horrid to them.

[E B]

I’m starting to feel guilty and sorry for Paul. I remember when I was extremely busy with union duties while working at the same time. It was overwhelming and often 24/7.
While I have the luxury of being retired, I can be active and pace myself regarding union work – but with Paul it’s totally different.
He has a very busy job and on top of that he has mountains of union work.
I wish I had told him I was going to block him and the reasons why.
Don’t know what to do now, and feeling very guilty.
xx

[E B]

What excellent advice!
And I like the words you use regarding the reasons why I no longer want to interact with him – if he asks.
He hasn’t replied to two of my emails, when, normally he would. One was to do with union business, the other asking him to send back a book he borrowed. I have repeatedly asked him to return it, and he keeps saying that he will, but nothing happens. Fairly typical of his behaviour regarding the whole affair we had, his actions never matched his words.
Also, while I like sexy texts when they are mutual, when I asked him questions about certain things, nothing to do with sex, he wd, almost always reply with sexy texts…eg I love your sexy tits, etc. When I pointed out that he was doing this, showing no empathy or concern about all the cancellations, he did say he was sorry.
He thinks of himself as a feminist, an important aspect of his values, and regarding union/political activities, this is true. But regarding our personal interactions, the feminism is only surface. Before, I was flattered by his compliments, during mutual sextexts. But when he wd only use them to reply to a question of mine about our friendship, he wd say things like, ‘I love licking your sexy pussy, doesn’t that prove I’m a real friend?’. Looking at this now, I’m appalled.
I called him out on this, had to do it numerous times before he’d finally reply in a text, ‘hmm’.
That’s when I finally said I was done, I was walking away.
I have tried to finish with him many times, but going no contact didn’t work. Blocking him finally gives me peace and – almost – closure.
He also would talk about his ex a lot when we were actually together. What boring bad manners! When I pointed this out, he’d say, ‘but I’d rather fuck you, not her’.
It’s a beautiful sunny day today and we are in for a lot of heat these next few days, oh joy!
X 😘 X

[E B]

Oh I can see it now!
Ever impatient.
I will watch the documentary and reread your statement a few times to let it sink in. There’s a lot to think about before I can provide answers.
X 😘 X

[E B]

Grrrrrrr!
I wrote on two different pages and it seems to have disappeared.
Summary:
Rang best friend and she said definitely NO in response to my question as to whether I should tell Paul I’ve blocked him. It wd only lead to more communication and I’ll be back at square one
Also, I met my friends today and we laughed repeatedly, so that cheered me up no end
xx

[E B]

I rang my best friend today asking her the same question. Should I or shouldn’t I tell Paul that I’m blocking him and the reasons why?
Carol said definitely NO. I would just get reeled in like before.
And that I have already explained to him that I don’t want his crumbs anymore and am walking away.
So that’s clear and I think you are both right.
After our conversation I feel lighter and more peaceful.
I feel heaps better since seeing my friends today. We always meet up every Tuesday and sit outside a popular café watching the world go by. We also might see each other at other times in the week, but we generally always meet on Tuesdays.
W

[E B]

I’m feeling quite low this morning.
Giving up smoking is getting hard to do.
And the lack of communication between Paul and I is upsetting
xx

[E B]

oops
…. and distance. That I really like him and look forward, hopefully, to us being friends again one day in the future.
There’s a missing piece in all this.
How would I need to be inside in order to be friends with him again so that it’s safe enough to do this with no risks of getting emeshed again?
What would I need to give myself in order to feel complete?
I can’t find the words to express what I mean XX

[E B]

It’s good to bounce off ideas with you and examine my feelings and try to be a bit detached.
If I don’t tell him I’ve blocked him, he’s going to have all these unanswered texts. It seems and feels rude for me to appear to be ignoring him. I will always regard him as a friend. But maybe there needs to be a clear separation: mental and emotional distance before I can become friends with him again; otherwise there are big risks involved.
I’ll enjoy his texts very much again. There will be a heightened emotional and sexual link with him again.
I could just email him and explain why I’ve blocked him – for closure and a di

[Author]

Posts