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I am not so sure, he does listen to me for something that doesnt violate his own beliefs or his ways of doing things. He does listen when I told him how i feel, but he might not accept it. For some behavioural arguments, he does change or I can see that he is trying to change, but like the above stuffs like commitment, i do feel that he wont listen and i can only go with him own time and schedule.
I think he tries to care more but still keep a safe distance, holding up his personal space, it’s okay for me, everyone keeps their own little piece and dark secrets by themselves, right? it’s not necessary to make one to open up 100%, right? I am not sure.
oh and yes, when we were discussing about the obligation of relationship, he mentioned that he thinks only guys will have the obligation, like planning for dates, paying the bills, taking care of the girls.
I said of course girls do have obligations, daily care, emotional support, taking care of tedious stuffs of daily life, also planning for the time to spend, putting partner in your schedule and making them your priority before occupying all your time and keeping their need in mind etc. he seems to disagree….=_= saying that he can do all these stuffs by himself which means he doesnt really “need” someone, but that he “wants”. I have no idea how to argue, as per mentioned, english is not my first language and I felt hard sometime to communicate with him in deeper conversations.here’s some updates from our previous discussion and some questions that have been bothering me lightly.
My guy came back from Aus, and my worst nightmare didn’t happen as he and that girl kinda parted in an unpleasant way, she pissed him off by making promises she didnt intend to hold on to, and kinda kicked him out on the second night as she had a friend who needed a place to stay to escape from her abusing bf; he pissed her off by not saying even a thank you. I tried to talk him out but he seems annoyed, not really wanna apologised.things went well until that night I spent time with him, we were talking about some plans later this week, and he said something like: well I will come over to your part of town and do what couples do if that’s what you want.
I asked him: hmm did you mention couple? i guess you are not implying something?
he realised that i was asking him for a validation of relationship, and he said: I have spent so much time with you, my action should means something to you, that is more than words. or you need to word?
I said: yes of course I will need a validation.i always need that, not only this but all sort of things. that’s how I work on.
he said:(messing around) so you will need the word more than action?
I said no.i need both
then we got distracted and changed the subject.Is he avoiding? Men have commitment-phobia but this isnt really commitment, right? just the first step towards a secure relationship, I dont feel secure and settled without being officially recognised, nor when I tell my friends about what’s happening, I couldnt really explain, I wasnt convinced, but his saying: *labelling this relationship will make him feel stressed which will make the relationship short once he is bounded, and this is the situation that he feels relax and will spend time willingly but not out of obligation.* (which sounds like a dickhead to every friends of mine.
but apart from that, he did remember what I like and trying to find me the stuffs in Aus, which I appreciate that, we have been holding hands in public, which is the first time he did it after we reunited.on the other hand, during our conversation, we discussed about the kind of ideal interperson relationship. I mentioned that I know that he wants someone who is mentally & emotionally connected.
he said that so far he hasnt met anyone who can achieve that so lets not put it in the list.
I wasnt thinking much but i lost the mood that night then we just went to sleep after shower, didnt even have much physical touch (he at the same time was annoyed by the conversation about that Australian friend).I always think that he is self-centered, he is not considerate about others’ need (from that girl’s case),yet I know he is trying to put my needs in consideration and willing to give way for what I wanted to do, but on the other hand, I know he enjoys feeling like a martyr (and he said yes when i asked him this) but then annoyed when people didn’t notice about his sacrifices. Not that I am blaming but just saying that i know this is his defect long time ago.
Recently, I have been focusing much on my personal stuffs and have been reading books about trust and communication, things were going great until that night we met and the above situations happened in 1 night, which is quite overbearing. I feel the urge to be distant again,(given that I have busy schedules before I go on trip, leaving 1 night available to meet him up, yet I feel like taking a break again, I am a bit exhausted with all my personal stuffs and feeling disappointed that he still doesnt want to commit, not sure if it’s PMS making me down but after talking to my male best friend about this situation and his sarcastic comments, I suddenly lost all the hope that i have been holding on.) Advice needed and thanks a lot!
Thank you Heidi T_T thanks for your advice and sharing your own experience, it encourages me a lot.
to answer your questions, no, it’s not a business trip, that’s his vacation, and it just happen that his colleague is visting her hometown with her family and he decided to tag along. Yea, he will visit some places with this colleague and then stay with that girl for 4 days, he told me that she applies a day off to hang out with him and I am not sure about the coming weekend.
Yes, that’s hard, letting go of control, and try not to imagine things, try not to worry of the situation. I will try to work on my self worth and value myself more, how did you do that? is there any reading materials from here that you would recommend? will try to distract myself…
Little update, things have been going well, he is more responsive, caring and supportive, and even encourage me much when I was preparing for my special exam. He was busy for the deadline before he goes on trip, but we still manage to meet up once before he leaves the day after tomorrow.
Question is, he said that he is going to Australia with his colleague and her family, and will meet a friend there. That colleague is a good friend of his, and work wife, she is going with her husband and her kid, and my man will stay with her for 3 days, and for the rest of the days, he will be staying with that “friend”, a girl whom he met 4 years ago, while she was travelling to our country.
the whole conversation was peaceful, face to face while both of us were in pleasant mood.
he said: she has a sofa bed.
me: wow, sounds convincing.
he: yes, she does, you think she lies? I can show you the messages.
me: no i mean, it doesnt really matter, you might still end up sleeping on her bed.
he: well no, plus she said she doesnt like being touched.
me: huh?
he: yea we were talking about her backpack which makes her back ache, I suggested her to get a massage and she said she doesnt like being touched. so she isn’t going to say: oh touch me…(jokingly)
me: not very persuasive, still
he: then what do you want me to say, what can I say to let you believe?
me: like….oh she is not my cup of tea sort of thing
he: well, she is nice, I am not going to lie to you.
me: 0_0
he: don’t worry, nothing is going to happen.and later on he told me that he met that girl 4 years ago, with a common friend, and they hanged out together during New year’s eve and watch fireworks that sort of thing, and then after her trip, that girl just disappeared, not replying his message. Until 2 years later, she reappeared and then they started talking again. When he started planning on his trip, he did mention that he has a friend who said, hey you should come and visit Aus someday! and while his colleague is going back Aus for summer holiday, he is joining her and going to “visit this friend”.
I wasn’t really convinced by what he said, not strong enough to ease my nerve. is it possible that they reconnected and he felt the urge to visit her before he confirms his thoughts either with me or with her? or maybe i just think too much. I have been trying to talk myself out, but it’s just not working. all the thing he said, like he thinks sex is casual, and he refused to deny his affection to her etc etc have made me worried.
yet, I don’t want to stress him out but shall I say something or do something while he is on his trip? Is it too much if i called him by video call once? we dont talk on phone usually. I would totally freak out if he disappeared for a day or two like usual, it’s ok for that while he is here, but when he’s away, who knows what he will be doing. PLEASE HELP T_T
Thank you James! It really surprised me, as I once commented in your article, your advice often comes just on time! The previous one was how to handle quarrel (by that time we had a major fight but I couldn’t recall what was it),
And this time, he just disappeared for almost 2 days (so far the longest except when we had a fight) due to his busy deadlines. While I was thinking how to respond to that, I have got your advice for me to focus on what feels good in this relationship. So instead of letting my anger pile up, I tried to recall the good time we had. So when he showed up, I told him that I know he must be occupied by some troubles at work. which, dodge a fight or resentment from him, I felt good too.
I will read the book and try to work on that.thank you so much James!
yes i have trusted him more after the deep conversations, that was before we broke up. yet, i still trust him now.
I think he is being honest and open, but we both have a strong wall of defense, mine is I will bury my emotions if I am not sure of what other will think of me, and his is that he will not do more than the “normal duties” unless he is sure that she’s the one. I m working on letting down my wall gradually, to him and to the people around me. but i dont know how to make him work on that.Before we broke up, i once said he is selfish and he wont pay effort for anyone (I was angry that time as he didn’t plan for my birthday and even disappeared for that day as he was drunk the night before with his colleagues, didn’t even let me know if we have any plans. It was hurtful, I get off the plane and rush home and get prepared while he didn’t respond to message or picked up his phone.) he said I have no idea how much he had given up and how much he had changed & worked on his 10 years relationship. it means, he will pay effort as long as he recognise the importance of that person, but I m not that person, yet or never? who knows.
Of course I am not sure if I am important and as connected as he and his 10 yrs girlfriend, as he still doesn’t commit and none of his friends had seen me before or even know that I exist though he suggested once or twice to bring me out, but that was before we broke up.
and for sure I doubt my importance but as I have agreed to Heidi that I will put my need to be in a relationship with him on hold right now.
Maybe I will have to read more and learn how to communicate with him, and let him feel like talkin to me on normal daily stuffs.
And you mentioned about the things i did to make him feel controlling, yes, maybe I should have done that in the self introduction part, but well.
I have a trust issue, he knew about that too. My dad was a cheater, and he still is (last updated from 2-3 weeks ago). I had sabotaged my previous relationship, couldn’t trust my ex, who had a bad reputation from constantly flirting girls in school and later in his company. So when we started this relationship, I told myself to give him 100% trust, to never control nor doubt him. Whenever he said he go out for drinks, I will tell him to have fun (and really mean it, just that i wish he could let me know when he is home), I never nag him to stay or to spend more time with me.
Yet, when I was all in for this, he pulled away, it started with a day without contact after the night he went out drinking, I got all mad, lose my string, and blast him a bunch of messages blaming him on that. 2 weeks later, I heard from my friend who’s a common friend of him & that girl (the one mentioned last time), saying that he had been telling that girl that he had doubt with me, not sure if he should continue to seeing me. My friend told me that he even “hint” her that he would keep his options open. (not to her as she is just a friend, who was intimate with him for a short while and 0 possibility now) I was shocked & realised that I have been stupidly letting all my defense down and shouldn’t trust him. I thought of breaking up for the first time, but then we had an all night long honest talk, and I know he is someone who will not cheat on me, not because he is a saint, it’s simply because of his stubbornness to have a clean record and will not allow himself to make “that” mistake.
Later that month, we had a couple of honest talks, he told me that the girl trashed me even though she didnt know me, and told him to let go of me, said I am a bad catch for him, and even make up the thing saying that he hint her about keeping his options open. He chose to ignore her “advice” and still go on with me and said he was trying to improve. We also realised that my friend and that girl were obviously discussing our issues and interpreting things we said into what they could make fun with.
Ever since that, I couldn’t really let go of my fear, I am always worry that the same thing will happen again. I think maybe that’s the reason I broke up with him, to avoid myself to get hurt….
It’s ok for him to go out with friends, even with just 1 girl, but i feel insecure not knowing who they are, and what they gonna do. There were times that he will tell me, and I felt secure and better but he wont do it all the time. Like 2 days ago he went out for a night with dont-know-who, I tried not to ask too much but saying like: Have fun, just dont get too drunk as we have plans on the next day, and asked him what kind of food are they getting, i hope it’s not too much?
little update on the date, we went out for a fun game day, playing bowling and darts, just something we both like, so far so good.
Thanks Heidi, I want to work on that, i want to work on him. tho it sometimes feel painful and exhausting.
Guess I will need time & advice to figure out how to create a space for him to feel like talking. I guess i will have to be less sensitive, dont judge him, joke a little more & be more understanding when he tells me about his difficulties…? do you think it’s the right way?Early in the relationship he mentioned that the vibes between he and his 10yr-ex was a once-in-a-lifetime experience, they were in the same wave-length, and he doubt that if he will ever feel that way again.
it concerns me a lot, even until now, it is one of the things that make me doubt. I am mentioning it as a “case-study”, deep down I know that I can never be that person, we were brought up with different cultures, different languages (sometimes i don’t understand the vocabs he used), I don’t even know what do I have to make him fell in love with me at first place, i mean, with all the differences, we are nothing alike, yea well except that we are introvert (active and inactive) and sensitive about others’ feeling.yes, thanks Kanya.
Also, there’s something that has been confusing last during the talk. Before that, he said he isn’t dating anyone else, “I didn’t do anything. not seeing anyone”
I mention that if it’s not exclusive then am I free to go on dates with someone else? He answered me and said: is that what you want?
I asked him back: as it is nothing official then it means I am still open to the market, and I don’t know if you will date someone else too.
He said: if that’s what you want, I will adjust my behaviour.
me: like how?
he: if you want to date some other guys, i will date other girls too.but it doesnt make sense, we are in “exclusive situationship”, not official but exclusive? Many books suggest that we should keep our market open and see someone else before he made it exclusive or commit. yet, it is not an official relationship, is it ok for me to date someone else? i know he must resent me if he knew. what do you think?
Thanks so much Heidi, I had thought about it and finally met him last Sunday, we randomly talked about his ex (they had a 10 yrs relationship but ended with a crazy fight, then he moved to other country), i wasnt really jealous of her and am pretty relax about that to be honest, i dont think he will go back for her but the part that they still constantly contacting each other, pretty much his ex texting him about tedious stuffs, and asking for his advices, makes me feel “uhhh” i dont know how to describe that feeling but it’s definitely not jealousy. He comfort me by saying “she is xxxmiles away, but you are here”
then after the movie, I told him that i would have run if I was the girl in the movie, who’s being told in the movie “If you don’t think you can fit in or accept the way I am, just go back!” and then I used your script to tell him that I have the tendency to run and I am sorry for the 2 weeks run, it was my bad habit that usually when things get tough, I felt the urge to leave the “crime scene”, like when I found that my dad was cheating, and everytime I reached the bottleneck of my job, i would just go travelling to gather myself. He listened patiently, and barely said something like I am glad you realised about that.
Things went well and then he started to get busy, which is tough for me because everytime he gets busy, it makes me feel like he is pulling away which I know he is not pulling away and I have psychologically prepared for that this time. Yet the distance and coldness kinda freak me out. As predicted, he wasnt responsive at all, and he needs to get his head down and settle things and get the quiet time all night after work. I tried not to push him, but took the initiative to ask him for lunch one day but he couldnt make it. and I asked him to meet up tonight for a quick dinner as both of us need to work over the weekend, thought that it would ease some of his stress and try not to break the nice bonding that has been built for weeks.
Yet, just right before we met, I was annoyed when he was late, hungover and forgot about the time because he had been out drinking the night before without telling me. I lost my temper and accused him for lying. He was very angry about that, being called a liar, and he was harsh and said I dictate on who he met and who he spent time with. I told him it was the priority difference that makes me angry.
The fact is, while he wasnt replying my messages, i know that he still kept talking to the girl that I hate a lot, on daily basis, more frequent than me. He said that it’s because she is easy to talk to, and the conversation with her was non-consequential, basically the girl talks alot and he just needs to respond, he showed me the conversation for a few times before and it’s totally something not important. I was angry because he was spending time with her(and other friends for the rest of the night) but never thought of asking me out. The girl is not a rival but she is getting all of his attention. We argued for half of the time and he said: if things get serious you are going to examine(or control? forgot what’s the text he used because I was too angry) who I am meeting with and for how long.
it’s bad right?
though we made it up and ended the night with hugs and laughters, but it bothers me much.THANKS soooo much Heidi, yea you are right, we aren’t on the same page, and the communication is always a big problem between us.
And Thanks for your suggestions as well, and I am willing to put my need for a commitment on hold now and just focus on improving our communication.How to show him that I am not going to walk away / take breaks anymore? Shall I just tell him directly? that I am sorry for that and i am willing to try my best to make things work with him, even when things get hard.
I guess i will have some homework to do before i meet him this week, will keep my updates here.
