[Carol P]

it has been a long time since i was here. Things are going really great, i open up a lot more and voice out my thoughts and have honest discussions with him. I also asked his advices about how should i handle my colleague etc, he has been more caring than ever, not only that he remembers my stuffs, and he knows that I am suffering from back pain so whenever he met me, he will just grab my bags over and carried them all the way. he even offers a drawer for me in his place to place my stuffs (for someone who value personal space that much, i think it’s a great leap for him)
and again, he mentioned that he would have come with me to the site (to protect me) since things have become really intense as everytime i go on site, it will involve certain level of risks. I didnt ask him for that, nor that i told him that i would stay on site longer than he thought, so he was a bit annoyed that i didnt tell him, or he would have come.

A little bit update is that, he met his ex once more to return her e-book to her, i asked if she was normal, he answered me that it was normal as can be, though she still wants to argue about things (like him not seeing her enough while she’s around). I realised that after she got back, they still keep texting, not sure about the frequency, but everytime i see him these few weeks, i will see her message popping out. he said she is normal after she got back, cant be too crazy. I am not sure if i should be worry, deep down i know that he is very into me now, he is caring & willing to plan for our coming trip, giving me compliments and flirting when we are not seeing each other. I can feel that he is happy while being with me, it’s a very comfortable stage. But once i told my aunt, she said that it’s unacceptable, he should set boundaries etc. and he told me that when he told his mom that this crazy ex was visiting him, his mom asked if he slept with her (what a question, i thought, maybe his mom knows him well) and since things were “fishy” as you said, i am not sure if i can be 100% carefree on this matter. i mean, i did read about books like “how to text your ex back” and with the techniques and templates, we resumed conversation at first place. So what if, she is doing the same?

one thing to reassure me is that he is always willing to let me check his phone, i didnt, though.

I understand that maintaining a good relationship with him is the key to hold him, at the same time holding a strong self value, that’s why I am 90% confident and carefree. Yet I am not confident enough to know that if i am the one for him, since he make it clear that he doesnt know what happen in the long run so he can’t promise me anything<<i guess i have mentioned it last time during the “talk” ?

I keep reminding myself of what Heidi advice me before, that I should keep being a good girlfriend and don’t control him , what he does is his problem, it will not ruin my self value. yet, sometimes the peer pressure is intimidating. What do you think?

[Carol P]

a little bit of the side track is that, before we fixed the date, he mentioned that he had a friend from his hometown coming to our country, he will have to meet her so we couldnt have the talk earlier, before he went on a business trip. Somehow i get the feeling that it was his ex, the 10 years ex.
During the night, he told me that it was his crazy ex who was in town, staying a couple of weeks, and turns out she hasnt change a bit, she is still crazy. He showed me the messages from her, said she sent her 80 messages because he wouldnt reply her, and she scold him because he went on the trip but not seeing her while she is here. He said: “she just wants all the attention, she thinks she can behave like she used to, everything will have to be about her.”

I just nod and let him finish. the night after, we went to watch a game and while we were heading back to his place, the girl called, and called and called. he said he should block her. and he told me that her electronic device was there on his desk, before i saw it, mentioned sth like he charged it or she charged it there. I asked: so she has been here?
he said: yea, she was here. ha, dont worry, she just came and had a drink and then left, like X (his friend, the bitch).
I trust him, but whenever i mentioned this to my friends, they all said it’s unacceptable,
maybe i sound really strong that i trust him, so no one said something like :I dont believe, there must be something happened.

Because I think that the way he talked about that girl was that he was annoyed, yet she has been a close person to him thus even he thought of blocking her but he wouldnt really do so (he turned off his phone the next day and he told me he was doing so to avoid that girl as she kept sending him messages). I mean, if anything happened that night when she was there, he wouldnt be so annoyed when he talked about her crazy messages, he would feel guilty and sorry for her if he really had sex with her and make her mad after. and he was very protective and want to make sure i am not upset. just my estimation.
he told her that night that he was with a girl and she stopped calling, and then resume to her crazy “stop ignoring me” messages again the next morning.

well i know this is not something that’s up to me to handle, I tried my best not to bring up this issue, when he mentioned that, i listened and asked some questions like : have you tried to tell her to go to the therapist? have you told her that this will only ruined your friendship? (he answered yes, he had tried basically everything.) trying to sound emotionless, not a bit of jealousy and mad.

he still seemed annoyed today when he told me about that girl’s crazy message, it is clearly affecting his mood (eventhough we had a happy weekend together). I need to be very careful so that i won’t stress him out in another way and clam up again=[

[Carol P]

Hi Kanya,

Before I met him and talk last week, I have already rate it as below:
1. knows and values God,
2. Integrity (trust)
3. consideration and respect of my feelings even during conflicts

a little bit update on the day we met, he told me that the girl whom he has been talking to literally everyday, the one whom i mentioned before which he thought was easy to talk to, was there having a drink, while he was there waiting for the seat, he had to drink with her. After we finished and ready to go, the girl appeared again, grabbing his arm, pulling him close and did a very intimate gesture that she pressed her cheek on his. I was standing there, surprisingly calm, trying to smile to another friend of us, who stood beside, both witnessing all this. I wasnt really mad at him, just annoyed at that bitch’s antagonising action. I told him that the girl was obviously doing that in front of me, he tried to calm me down and laugh and said she had few shots, you dont need to be mad, just let her be, you are much better…etc. then we went to another quiet bar to sit and talk.

I had to remind him of the reason why we had this talk, (as it was 3 weeks after the incident), he said it’s not that he doesnt think about the future with me, but he doesnt think about future at all, not that he doesnt but he cant really have a clear and set path of what will happen. Since he is not very satisfied with his job now, he is giving it 2 years (max), and the political situation in my country isnt very optimistic, and his mom is getting old, so he might occasionally go back to his country. So he cant promise anything right now.
I told him the kind of commitment that I want, he said it is still a big thing to promise,
i stated clearly that it is a promise that one will be willing to fix and improve but not to just flee if we have conflicts, it’s a promise to make it a better relationship,
he said it’s reasonable, then i told him about the cold treatment pattern which annoyed me much.
He said okay, we will make up a plan on that (not sure if he will remember that, but at least we did say that 3 days is a max, one will have to start talking and solve it)
He said he doesnt think that we have that much conflicts in reality, we dont really have that much arguements, but the plan will ease the tension.
after this, he hugged me and said he was happy that we can talk it out like this, and he really want me to know that. I thank him for opening up as well and I am happy to have the talk.
He also mentioned that he doesnt want me to think that I “messed up”, as i said: sorry for taking what you said personally about the child issue and didnt tell you what I think at once and it ruined the night. He said it isnt healthy for a relationship, thinking that i messed up and at fault, said everyone have their own way to handle things and emotions and so he doesnt want me to think like that.

it’s a bit long. but then we called it a night after a happy time telling each other about our coming plans, my work plan, the plan that we might take a trip together.

• This reply was modified 5 years ago by Carol P.
• This reply was modified 5 years ago by Carol P.

[Carol P]

Thanks Heidi,
despite of your suggestions, I have also done some assignment from the commitment course I have been reading on. I would like to share it here.

5 goals I want from my partner
1. Willingness to stay & make things work even when things get rough.
2. Willingness to talk about & listen to each others’ thought and feeling, one who can talk about everything and anything, advices, comforts, silly jokes, filthy jokes, without having to worry what impression we may have.
3. Encourage me to pursue my dream, support me and back me up, willingness to grow together in different aspects, want us to take course together and learn different hobbies.
4. I want to meet his friends, his family, and travel together in the next 12 months.
5. (long term goal) I want someone who values me, who can always see the best in me and will defend me in front of others because he see my true self and knows me well enough.

Similar to your assignment, I wrote these:
Integrity (trust), knows and values God, openess to talk, willingness to explore the world with me, consideration and respect of my feelings even during conflicts, willingness to fix problems, willingness to involve in my family, willing to grow, understanding of my personalities.

I wrote these according to my pass experiences & my parents’ relationship, the things that I didnt get in my past relationships. and comparing to my current relationship, I can see that he is able to fulfill 4.5 out of 9, which is a half-half, it really depends on whether he sees me as someone he wants to be with for long term, in order to work the rest of the stuffs out, if he doesnt see me as someone who he wants to be with for long term, then of course he wont be willing to involve in my family and fix problems. hmm

• This reply was modified 5 years ago by Carol P.

[Carol P]

hi Kanya, what happened last weekend was the incident that he mentioned that he might want a baby if he met someone who really likes baby, thread #22750.

[Carol P]

I guess i will take these days to really think about what I really want, if I still want him, if I still want to make it work.
I just go through my MBTI type again, I get the picture of why am I acting the way i act, including constantly trying to improve and “change” him. It’s not just to him, i realised that sometimes it is the way I do things, i want people to be better, sometimes with my own moral standard, sometimes with the potential i can see in them, i know it’s stressful for people being around me, especially my colleagues who work with me. I tend to do it to my friends as well. The analysis also stated that those who cant understand the good intention behind, will get the impression that they are not good enough.
That’s why Heidi has been saying that I always try to change him, it’s not because I think he is not good enough.

While today i reached out and asked him for his MBTI’s type. He told me that he is INFJ, which is very Aquarius and we are so alike, both perfectionist, and always think that maybe there is something better down the road. Due to our. Similarity, i guess that’s why i get it why he does certain things sometimes, but it also means that it’s hard for us to work out because we are too alike in the way that we deal with things or handle our emotions.
His analysis also states that he “need time alone to decompress and recharge, and not to become too alarmed when they suddenly withdraw. Advocates take great care of others’ feelings, and they expect the favor to be returned – sometimes that means giving them the space they need for a few days“

I guess it explains alot.
I dont know where we will end up being, may be really good friends, maybe if he is willing to work and it will be a very valuable relationship.
Thank you so much, Kanya, for your support always, and Heidi’s very practical advices and straight to the point assessment.

[Carol P]

Thanks Heidi,

Your suggestion is actually a very practical one. I am not sure if he is willing to do all the work with me. It’s actually depends on what kind of relationship are we having now, from his point of view, I am not sure if I am the person that he wants to work with, am I just a good time, or a long time.

and yes things still hasnt resolved even we had a few conversation. He was still cold, and I feel like he is actually backing out like last year, when he had doubt for our relationship. This time it’s even worse. I can sense that he was cold and even when we had that conversation, he didnt ask about me at all. So I asked him straightly, if he want to talk about why he was pulling away again.

he answered: “Last weekend really annoyed me and thinking of long term is a turn-off for me, I dont know what will happen long term, and I dont feel like making certain commitments. I will just back out in that case.”

Apparently it’s me who push things over and you are right, I should have set that aside and just focus on working to improve the relationship. I told him I want to talk face to face and thank him for opening up, and read some books about commitments and why men pull away etc. I figured that the kind of commitment I want, is actually the promise that one will stay even when things get hard, a promise to stay and make it work but not backing out if things turn out not as expected. The premise is that the one is who you would like to be with for a long time, if it’s just a for fun kind of stuff, then it will be inapplicable.

I am sure that once he had that thought of backing out, things will not be the same anymore, and for me, it has been too much hurt, my feelings for him diminish gradually during the cold treatment period. I have lost the motivation to work on it. I might just let go, even though I still love him, miss the time we have been together and still longed for the trip that we said we will go together. it is hard for me but I simply dont know how to continue, with that much hurt and fear, I dont want to get hurt again. Due to both of our busy schedules, we will talk next Friday.

[Carol P]

re Heidi,

i think at this moment it is all devitalising, everytime he gave me cold treatment or “need his time” thus wont reach out to solve the problem, my feeling diminished a bit more. 4 days are enough to cut my feelings to scratch. Every time I feel safe, something happen and he pulls out, like this time. I finally reached out because I couldnt sleep or couldnt focus on my work, of course i know the theory of not focusing on the fact that he is not responding, but the reality is you will still get distracted. I can be able to do that If i am not having a feeling for him.

So I reached out, he said he would rather we talk things out that night instead of me acting sullen all night and turn the night into a strained one. we exchanged a couple of conversation, basically me asking him about his work stuffs. He shows no interest of knowing about whathappen on me, and then not responding again, it has been a day since then.

for what i feel like, it’s exactly like last year, the first time i thought of breaking up because he has been distant and cold. He said he was thinking if we are suitable for each other and he said he thought everyone will experience such time. “isnt tht normal? i thought everyone get such time” What happened before was he disappeared for whole day, i freakout and burst him a lot of messages, he didnt reply and then what he replied basically saying that yes he knows his problem and explained.

to answer your earlier question, what connects me to him was the good memory we have, he is the kind of guy that I describe in my earlier reply on an ideal relationship, he is knowledgable, impress me a lot, he can give me advice when I need to, he knows what i need and what i like, he is sensitive to my feeling (just that he wouldn’t work on it, sometimes.) despite his way of dealing with conflicts and selfishness, he is the kind of person i would like to be with. I guess everyone can see the flaws in their partner, that doesnt make them less attracted to them. just that if he can change the way he deals with conflicts, he will make this relationship smoother. I can see my flaw and I am trying to work out the things he asked me to, like saying that I dont put him on the priority etc.

[Carol P]

Thanks Kanya,
Hmm i guess the recent situation is, after that conversation, i told him i was upset about that, and adding another phrase saying that I will need his words sometimes to make me feel secure.
He replied on Sunday saying “Why is that a big deal? I’m not saying I’m waiting for someone who’s really into kids. It’s more that I just happen to have a somewhat open mind about it”
I replied a day later and said “To you, it’s not a big deal, but i am letting you know that yes it is a big deal for me as it makes me feel like a by-stander”
Was just trying to explain how i felt.
Then…he gave me no reply until today.
Except for the fact that i knew it might be his deadline today and thus he cant spend much effort replying for the past 2 days, i am annoyed by his cold attitude and not replying a word since Monday morning. It’s always me to make it up and open the conversation and trying to ease the tense situation.
Shall I wait for his response or ?
It’s so d annoying. He is always self centered.and i don’t think this is acceptable or normal???

[Carol P]

Thank you Kanya, your words have been very comforting and a good reminder.
You are right, I am wanting it to help calm my own fears, my own insecurity.
I have tried to give him positive reinforcement sometimes, he doesnt seem to react much, sometimes, he will just reply me like “my pleasure” or “no big deal”. I am not sure whether it means anything to him.
What can I do to make him feel emotionally safe? I guess it will be 1. not judging him when he tries to share some of his thoughts? 2. giving him the space that he needs, not pushing him while it comes to things like this? 3. do the things he want together and letting him to have his time to do the things he enjoy without worrying that I will be upset or need him to be around. What else do you think, is appropriate?

I dont know how to keep the balance, letting him be emotionally safe, but at the same time sharing my feelings like something that annoys me (could be something like, I don’t like him not letting me know when he was out to have dinner with female friend 1 on 1 basis) . I feel like if I always put him ahead of my own needs, it will make me lose myself and someday he will get tired of me and I will end up being like my mom, who lose herself to my dad, being despite and spurn by my dad. I am worry that if I dont let him know what’s upsetting me, he will take everything for granted. Can you give me some advice on that?

• This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by Carol P.

[Carol P]

Last time, his gay friend came and I was there at his place. His gay friend teased him about he being dumb and not understanding what I said, “no wonder you are still single, dude”
I was pretty concern about this, apparently he didn’t mention anything to his gay friend, and his gay friend thinks that this is just a casual thing. I cant help to think that maybe that’s what he thinks too, he thinks that it’s casual, not something serious. I teased him the next morning and said: yeah now he said you are still single, is that what you have been telling people?
after a couple of jokes, he said: I havent told him anything?
told him what?
Told him that I am seeing you.
As I dont know if I should drill into the definition and the exclusivity, I just let it slipped.

another thing happened tonight and I went on quiet all night, he felt something wrong with me, but I thought that it wasnt a good time to develop that convo.
As we have discussed before, both of us don’t want kids. Tonight the conversation started with my friend being “tied up” by having a baby and no more me-time. He said that he might have kids, probably.
me: What makes you think so?
he: …because I am flexible?
me:that’s means you might want kids someday
he: it’s possible, if I will be with someone who love kids, I can have kids.

I got irritated by the thought that, in his mind, there will always be a “someone” later, after me.
means that he is not seeing me as a long time, but just a good time. I get very upset so I decided to stop talking, just went on quiet for the rest of the dinner, talked about something unrelated. As I figure that if I drill into this comversation, it will goes on to>> so do you think you have a future with me?>> if not, then why waste time on this? >>if so, let’s not see each other anymore. and that will be it. He asked me to make plan to go Japan next year, does that mean that he actually doesn’t see me as a casual thing? I don’t understand.

When I left, I text him and said yes I got upset by something he said, but figured that it wasnt a good time to have that conversation, yet, I can’t adjust my mood instantly.
He asked me what was that.
I told him that it was that particular conversation and my thought “it makes me think that you think that there will always be someone after me, so what is it now? Am I someone that you spend time before you have found the one? ” <<knowing that this is a bit intense, i sent him another text as below.
“All I am saying is, I need your words to help me feel secure” <<trying to activate his hero instinct???

to be honest, I felt like a by-stander, Like I am not involved everytime we talk about these kind of things, or his relationship view, he can be very objective and tell me that he thinks so far no one can connect with him emotionally, he is looking for emotional intimacy, he doesn’t think that he will ever find someone like that. and talking about wedding, he said he wants a wedding that is simple, “me and the wife, family and the priest, that’s all” (the wife? I am obviously not considered as one of the candidate)

• This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by Carol P.

[Carol P]

(the previous reply has disappeared)
Thanks Heidi for the nice video, I have finished watching it and perhaps I will need some time to convert it into something I can work on.

To answer your earlier question, yes I think my current guy still cant work with how I feel, my thought on that is that I might need to improve my communication skills. My last relationship ended quite poorly, I tend to burst out when I had kept enough dissatisfaction in my mind, and lost my temper when I was upset. I didnt know how to express my feeling in a way that my ex could digest and feel comfortable & motivated to work on it, I either kept it in mind or burst. So until this guy, I tend to keep everything in mind, (I figure that that’s how i usually react in many different situations, maybe it’s how an introvert act) and I try to say it subtly, hoping that he can understand. Yet, he couldn’t. I understand that I need to be very specific and straightforward with this guy, by saying how I feel, calmly.

I can see that he is trying his best to accomplish my needs, like I have mentioned before, I am currently busy for some stuffs, which require a lot of time, effort, emotional strength and devotion. No clear deadline can be seen. I have been working on it with my friends and a lot of people we don’t know, yet, I felt lonely while I am on-site, I have my friends but sometimes envy of those friends who always have their partner along on-site. We talked about that once, basically me saying that my friend was with her boyfriend on-site and they were so sweet, he protected her while things get intense. He said I have never asked him to come with me, and that i will need to express it in a way that makes a man feel like doing it by himself, not begging. And to my surprise he asked if I want him to come with my few weeks later, he knew that that time was critical. So we went on, I am glad that he was with me, he knew when I needed a hug, he knew when to grab my hand and protect me and fled the scene when things get intense. And i let him know I really appreciate that.

Somehow I think he is able to work on how I feel, just that I need advice on how to tell him clearly. And the biggest concern is still the same, I dont feel secure without the “label”, without label means without commitment, isn’t it? I will need a confirmation then I can be free from anxiety, basically focus on working to improve this relationship. from that video, emotional regulation, I have been trying to work on it as per advice previously, to put that aside, and focus on making the relationship works. Yet, when things happened, I cant help but feel upset.

[Carol P]

Thanks Kanya,

I have watched the video and it’s quite inspiring, I have heard about it but never really get into it and think of how to apply in my situation. I will try to read the book and share my thoughts here.

[Carol P]

and to answer your earlier questions, apart from the “commitment” issue, i think he is able to give me what I ask for, like some small stuffs eg I mentioned that I get sweaty with his very thick duvet, he bought a summer duvet for me at instant, and he understands my very busy daily schedule so he will find his own place and meeting me up for coffee or quick dinner or spending dayoff together when I am available. I can see that he is making efforts, he mentioned that his colleague was impressed by his effort, as he went home to get change just to look nice on our date, which i guess is rare for him so his colleague said she has never seen him making such effort.

[Carol P]

Thanks Heidi, I have taken some time to really think about it thoroughly.
Relationship-wise, as I have mentioned here before, due to my family background, I would like a relationship that I can 100% trust and committed to. I want a relationship which I don’t have to consider any backup plans like I used to, I don’t have to hold back because I am afraid of getting hurt. I guess that’s also my version of emotional intimacy, beside being able to share my dark side and wont be afraid of getting despised, my biggest fear is actually being cheated.

And I hope that he can trust me with his emotional weakness, his frustration, his difficulties etc. Being able to deal with him alongside, makes me feel secure, as this is how I picture of a healthy relationship. (some guys just couldnt share their weakness with their partners, my best guy friend is one of them, he cant share his fear and weakness in front of his gf, but he feels comfortable to share it to me, maybe it’s the hero instinct that James mentioned in his book. I want to activate my man’s hero instinct, but i am worry that it will make me pull away from me when he is having down time, just like my best friend. )

Partner-wise, ideally, I hope that my partner can be wise and knowledgable, that he can impress me & giving me advice. I want someone who can involve in every aspect of my life, my family, eg when my dog is sick, he can be there along, or wouldnt mind spending time with my family. and can do things together, things that we both enjoy, exploring things and places together.

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