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hmm, about my temper, i feel like the passed few days were the outbreak of my nasty temper and i lashed them all out here and on my dad. I guess that’s because i dont have an outlet recently, exercise is always my destress mechanism but i have stopped going to gym recently due to the virus. Every once in a while when i get busy or have multiple work tasks, i get stressed and not being able to exercise always make things worse.
I have considered going to a therapist before this, as suggested by both of you but got really busy in Jan, with some freelance and daily work, so i put that thought aside, now when i seriously consider going to hypnotherapy, I realised that i cant spare that amount of money with my income being instable now.except for the stress, i realised that i have been resentful to my parents, being at home with them stressed me out more, one day after a week staying with my mom, i realised that one of the source is actually the emotional stress coming from my mom, and of course the move made things worse, as I need my own space to decompress or to concentrate on studying for the exam, but with them constantly “intruding” my personal space aiming to help, i felt overwhelmed and yell at my dad telling him not to come to my place. i felt sorry but i couldnt tell my guy about this, as he is close with his mom.
i know that i have this grumpy temper inside, sometimes it’s because the things are not going my way, sometimes it’s the frustration that i procrastinate every thing and so make things pile up, like paying the bill, or calling to book the dentist. things wouldnt improve with my schedule always full. Maybe being jobless is a time that i can tidy up all the mess inside my brain and around my life and get things done step by step. no more excuse procrastinating everything.
I did try to check in on him, asking him how he felt once in a while, the other dating course suggested that we check in each other feelings sometimes, to make sure that your partner will voice out what they kept in mind but would be a time bomb for the relationship, i asked him in early feb or jan, he said everything is ok, my question was too sudden i guess, so the money issue didnt come up.
Also, the reason why i kept telling you both about his ex situation, is because i need to figure out his pattern, finding clue from his previous relationship. as mentioned, his ex has mental issue, and the fight usually went from a minor crisis, like “why didnt you tell me the hotdog cost 2 dollars more than before?” kind of stuffs, and they broke up all the time, i am guessing that it’s because of all the previous arguements, which were pointless and mainly hurting each other, it kinda shaped him into these shitty behaviour when it comes to arguement. he claimed that saying “get lost and find the dude who will do everything for you, princess”, if i said ok then fine, then it means i am a shitty person so will just let me go, but when i asked, do you really want me to go? he said of course not.
I told him that every fight create a wound, but saying things like this, is actually a irreparable crack.sometimes i feel like i can be comfortable with him, but sometimes i cant, i feel like walking on a landmine field. it’s like a 50/50 situation. I can be myself and just be stupid or be grumpy, trashing my colleagues in front of him, but when it comes to our issues, i dont know his boiling point, the phone conversation validates my concern, as sometimes he said it is okay, but he is not, sometimes he has the thought but he just bury it deep down and wouldnt tell until something happened.
at some point in the phone conversation, i twisted it into my angle, as like before, he would offer to come to my part of town, i didnt say yes, ever since then he never ask again. so it’s always me going to his part of town, tho i am okay with that, i still want him to ask. so I told him about this, i want him to initiate more, to ask more, as this is the same theory with him wanting me to insist on paying him back. he said he get that, but still feel like this and that, gesture, freerider….bla bla bla. but ok, will initiate more, will remember to ask more.
Do you think that I should really take a break? since we have agreed to let things go after the talk, I am worry that this 2nd break will really create a lost that will never be able to fix, and we had planned and paid for the trip in August…or shall I stay and try some other ways to make him improve? from the previous months, things had been working really well, i mean, really, i am satisfied and was happy. he is more open to listen when we are okay, that’s how i had tried to work for the previous months. as Kanya once suggested that i should focus on improving the relationship instead of making him commit, so i try to stay gentle, not lashing things out, and reasoning things, improve my bad temper…
Sorry, Heidi, I have already contacted him before reading this, as I read the news and realised that someone in his office has been diagnosed and i was worried.
But you are right, he needs to be right, the conversation continues with me saying that we need to talk, and he said, sure, phone you later tonight.
i was jokingly saying that: “yes please, repressing anger will lead to breast cancer.”
he was irritated again, sending me phrases from different websites and said that it is not scientific, and said “thanks again for saying shitty things like this, implying that my behaviour will cause you terminal fucking illness” and said I should think before saying these things, yet he has “lost the enthusiasm for being angry, so whatever”
I argued and said it is an argumentative issue, and his way of interpreting things is actually due to his POV and it is bias with him being angry.
he said “I just think you should be careful of what you said.”
I apologized for saying things that hurt his feeling, and he apologized for escalating things, I insisted to talk that night and he called finally.BUT, you are still right, he is really childish when it comes to arguement, during the phone conversation, I get that he is the kind of person that say one thing but mean another, here’s an example:
He said I am going to earn less from now on, yet I still want to go to posh bars, so he thinks that it is a weird situation, so I must be assuming that he will pay.
I told him that i actually offer to pay him back, most of the time, 90% i would say. sometimes he would say:”it’s ok” so i will put my money back to my purse. BUT, he actually thinks that I should insist, that if I don’t insist, putting money IN HIS HAND, then me offering is merely a gesture. eventhough i paid him abck by an online app, he still think that i did that as a gesture ONLY. I was upset and angry at the same time, when he said sometimes he thinks i used him as an ATM. I was furious:”how long have you known me? how come you would look at me that way?!” I am always independent, I would and i did pay for my meal or drinks. He said he would appreciate that if i do it once in a while, to pay him back or to buy him dinner, “once in a while”. I told him I have no idea how frequent that will have to be, if all i have done isnt appreciated anyway, all the time I paid, wasnt remarked.
so in conclusion, I said, ok then lets go dutch, if you feel like paying for certain meal, then i will appreciate that, but for the rest of the time, i am going to go dutch!
He said : this feels like putting the game on me as well.
WTF?
listing how many times i did pay for my own drink is not enough, he is just too stubborn to listen. he said he didnt feel like that until recently, basically because he was worried that i earn less from now on but still expected to go to posh bars and nice restaurant. (for the matter of fact, we often eat something that he suggested, i didnt say no, but now i know that he expected me to say no, to reject his suggestion and suggest to go somewhere cheap, which we did as well, like eating MCD, or just noodles.)So at last, i said, welll you should really change your perspective and change your mind, that I am not treating you as an ATM, and I NEVER EXPECT YOU TO PAY FOR ME, SINCE DAY 1!
And I also told him that i appreciate what he did, he again, said that it is NOT ENOUGH. to be honest, I am still feeling a bit unsettled. due to the hurt of his words (he said my words hurt him too that’s why he need to do it to me to kick back and not standing there being insulted)
and I am also disappointed for the way he see me. the money paying issue is largely due to cultural difference but I am still upset by that. I guess it also means that goal 5 is not achieved, at all.Hi Kanya. Thanks for getting back.
Things turned worse after my last message. After the “go find someone” message, we argued back and forth, i sent him some messages and he ignore until i asked him to talk tonight to solve the problem, not avoiding it. He replied after and was furious. Basically calling me a princess and said i dont take no as an answer.
I explained it yesterday that why i wouldnt expect anything was because of my previous experiences, asking for help but end up being disappointed. But his point was that why did i give him no choice and judge him after he said no, by saying “you wouldnt come anyway”.He said again, “ Seriously, you think so little of me then get lost and go find that dude who will serve your every need, princess, in a way that I clearly don’t”
And also added that i was the one saying hurtful things first, what he said was merely in response to what i said.I tried to reason it by saying reminding him of our talk last year around November, about having a fight but promise will try to work things out. He didnt reply, i called after half day but he didnt pick up too.
As you mentioned, the 5 goals i listed earlier.
1. Willingness to stay & make things work even when things get rough.
-clearly not this time, we had some minor arguments, we did talk things out successfully. Maybe also because they were minor.2. Willingness to talk about & listen to each others’ …
-i feel like it’s more often me talking and he listened. We did talk more, bitching things, and i am grateful that he called me back to let me vent during my hardtime at work.3. Encourage me to pursue my dream, support me and back me up,…
-yes he did, he encourage me even my decision was reckless. He remind me to save some money too, but because of the virus, we didnt have much time to spend outside of his place. Couldnt even take courses together. But well i didnt mention it too.4. I want to meet his friends, his family, and travel together in the next 12 months.
-yes i met his friends and colleague, not meeting his mom yet because she is in UK. We plan to go japan but i am not sure about it now, what if we really cant make it through this time?
5. (long term goal) I want someone who values me, who can always see the best in me and will defend me in front of others because he see my true self and knows me well enough.
-i can see that he is proud of me, presenting my work in front of his friends. I am grateful for that too.Since July, and since we get back together, he didnt ask the question again but calling me his better half in front of his work peer, i guess it’s official then. Things were good actually, i can taste the best of him. I am not sure if i am compatible as in loving him back in the way he needs. I know he needs a lot of nice words, he wants to be appreciated, i try to tell him everytime after we met, i will let him know that i had a good time and what are the things that i appreciate the most. not everytime maybe but most of the time.
And this single incident has overthrown every effort.:( i didt have appetite today, at all and Start to have sleeping problem. I told him that everytime we fight, i cant sleep so i really want him to solve it immediately. Yet he needs his own time.
In the beginning of this thread, i mentioned something about me having the insecurities and always want a “break”, i feel like he actually need it too, refer to his pattern with his long term ex, they broke up many times, they always get back together but would also have someone else between the gap.
and honestly, “Out of shape” really sounds lame to me, he is not old, barely middle age yet, my brother is a skinny person. so “out of shape”? that’s really lame.So we met for dinner the night before my exam to ease off some pressure, during the chat he checked his phone record as he couldnt recall missing my calls, (2 Fridays in a row). I seldom call, but everytime I call, he wouldnt pick up as his phone is always on silent mode, sometimes he will asked if he need to call back. (?? I really dont understand this, i am not a frequent caller but once i call there must be a reason, why bother to ask and not calling back?)
so while he was checking his record, I saw his ex’s name, they have been chatting on phone in late Jan and last call was 22 feb, he did call back sometimes after missing her calls. I was SO ANGRY, and together with my stress because of the exam, I nearly lost my temper in the bar, asking him to set a boundary wouldnt work because he said he has stated clear that “she doesnt get to demand him anymore” so if she doesnt get it, it’s her problem. asking him not to respond, doesnt work too, because she would keep calling crazily and sending him msgs like : why dont you respond? why dont you reply?
He said the only way is to permanently block her, but he doesnt want to cut her off forever.
I express my concern about them having emotional connection, and my concern that they will eventually get back together. He told me again that “She is 6000miles away, not like she is a real threat, and she is brain damaged” I couldnt remember the conversation correctly as I was so mad and I kinda recalled him saying that he would never want to get things back with her, but didnt answer the “emotional connection” part.that night we didnt have sex or even kiss, only brief hug, I spent whole night studying in his place and went to study again in his office before heading to my exam. (I believe this is what he thinks, is an effort made by him)
So yesterday when i was moving, i told him that I had menstrual pain, he responded after hours and said oh is there any pills you can take? maybe your dad can help now.
Look, he didnt offer to help at all, when i jokingly asked him that my sis said you could come and carry the heavy stuffs, he joke and said : oh so i am not more than a helper to you, your highness etc..
So i didnt ask him to come. the conversation is as below.
me “Then dad came and move the bed upstairs, waiting for my insurance frd to come and move the fridge and washing machine”
him “Yikes, that’s the real heavy stuff, Are they able to do it? A washing machine is heavy!”
me “U wanna come and help? 😅”
him “I’m out of shape 😝”
me “I guess you just wouldnt come this far”
him “I’m also not ready to meet family 😅”
me “Just my brother, But fine”
him “If you wanted help you should have just asked. Not play whatever this game is”I told him I honestly didnt expect anything, and not playing a game as I am pure angry, that’s all.
I am not sure if my anger comes from the fact that he never offer to help, or whether or not i asked he just wouldnt come, or the fact that he doesnt want to meet my family.after all night of silence, he replied me this morning, “Then go find someone who will do more for you”
what should I do? I dont know how to reply, does this mean a breakup sentence then?
Heidi, I cant describe my feeling now as I was actually having a downtime and login to the forum and saw your reply. Thank you for caring for my situation.
Current situation is I am trying to survive and go through a difficult situation, losing my job (my own decision but this is a hard time to survive without a job, we talked about that, he advised me not to quit but after a hard time at work i recklessly resigned. It doesnt matter after that because my company has cut 30 people in one day, my boss has told me that my name will be on the list anyway, so better if i resigned by myself.) I am concerned that he might feel not respected, but he wont say it, just tell me to do whatever I want.
After rounds of job hunting, he has been supportive like helping me to set things up, helping me prepare my questions and letting me have the online interview at his home because I cant let my family know that I lost my job. After this, along with my busy schedule, I have certain exam to take, which really stressed me out. and a move to push my stress level to the max. Family conflicts and constant arguement come with the move. I would say that my elastic band is stretched so tight these few weeks. He, on the other side, is debating if he should visit him hometown (but with the virus it makes it impossible), he taking his own time-off during weekends, i mean, not replying messages and really having his off-the-phone time, take last weekend as an example, I called him on fri night because i was out having drink with friends and wasnt feeling well and want to stay over, he didnt pick up his phone of course, until he saw my missed call the other day and asked if I was drunk, I told him that i wasnt feeling well etc…his respond was…fairly concerned, not concern at all, basically something like :”oh dear, you should rest more”
I just dont feel like he care, at all.
I chose to keep quiet for the rest of the weekend, he reached out and i told him i was stressed and annoyed, after stating all the reasons, i told him that the reason of my annoyance is because I feel that he is occupied. which this is also a problem that constantly happen.
and he said, yes he know that’s his problem sometimes of being a partner.
I told him that I understand his need and I usually can take it, but this time with my intense stress level, i cant, i really cannot make it, (i mean i cant be understanding because I need his support and care. didnt write this down tho)Thanks Kanya,
We did have the conversation again, he told me on Valentines Day that he is going back to UK on a business trip and might as well stay a few days there after the work is done. I told him I am worry, he asked if I am worry about him getting infected with Corona virus during the long flight and I said no, it’s the other thing. He get that at once and asked if i am worry about his ex. I told him honestly that yes I am worry, as I know he will have to see her when he goes back (or she will get mad, for 200% sure)
He told me that she will be out of town for a 3 weeks business trip, so they wont be able to meet (hopefully nothing change now).I also said that I am worry that he might want to hook up with her when he goes back. He answered me in a (sound like) disgusted tone of voice: argh NO! i will just have lunch with her that’s all.
I didnt say anything after , since I didnt want to ruin the good vibes on Vday night. I spent the weekend there and he has been caring as usual, making me breakfast and all. We had brunch the other day with his colleague and her husband, he has been eager to tell her about our little jokes. but I had the feeling again that i actually couldnt keep up with his pace, his knowledges and his interests, I will need to work my way really hard to learn more and watch more, i felt inferior, not that he makes me think so, he always encourage me and say that I know a lot that he doesnt. Maybe it’s my perfectionist character that makes me feel “inferior” or “inadequate”. His colleague has the same wave length with him, that’s what he described his ex long time ago.So I just read James’s article about trust issue, he suggested that we talk about that. I am not sure if bringing the same topic again within 2 weeks is a good idea. like everytime we meet each other i will have to push him about that, I am afraid that it will stress him out again. May I know your advice on this? thanks a lot!
Well I have spent a lot of time reading other threads today, trying to learn some communication skills. I have to say that actually my current relationship is quite good, everything is good except this 1 bad ex thing which happened lately (and wouldnt happen if I dont give her the power to threaten me, still, somehow it bothers me once i let the thought creep in haha)
Good things are, I have to brag about my man for being such a good listener. I was having a really bad time last month, trying to search for apartment to rent, as me and my sister are moving out with my best friend, but it was stressful because my sister and my friend werent helping. On the other hand, my workload had increased a lot, plus a freelance with a photographer who really stressed me out. One day when I was on the edge of breaking down, I told him I was really having a bad day and need to talk about it. He was having a drink with his friend who is a work partner & friend, to catch things up. He replied: “Soon baby.” then we talked about the drinks, the bar while I was still in office. I off at 10ish, I text him at my greatest patience and said : “When I say i need to talk, I literally need to talk and what I mean is please call me when you are home.” Since we don’t usually talk on phone, i am letting him know that i need to talk verbally because I was so stressed and almost cried on the bus.
He replied shortly and said:” understood, leaving soon”
5 mins after he called me right when he got out of the building and we talked, he comfort me, make me laugh with tears. I know he can take all my bad time and even tease my best friend and my sis for me. I am glad that I have someone who can bitch about things with me, he understands me well, he knows that the reason I am stressed is because I put too much things on myself and always pushing my limit.I also realised that he can see the good side of me, and takes the bad side of me. When we were out with his friends during his birthday, he was very happy to receive my birthday card and told his friend’s bf proudly that I drew that, and said : you know she is also a calligrapher, she is going freelance but I am sure she will do well….and in the middle of the conversation, he told him that “I work really hard, devoted to my job”
these little things make me very happy. I feel like I can talk to him about everything, and he would bitch about his boss and his useless colleagues too.Another thing is, He told me that he has told his mom about me, that’s a relief.
So, so far so good, except the ex issue, please advice how should I react at this circumstance or how shall I adjust my thoughts. thanks a lot
Thanks Heidi, your question really hits me. Why am I feeling bothered?
and YES, that he will never ever cut things off with her, bother me. let me explain this a little bit.You wonder why he is still in contact with her, right, as I know this is how he is, when he is over someone, he is over. End of affection but still want to remain friends as most of them were his friends in first place. Or lets put it this way, those who were not ended in a bad term, are still his friends. He recently told me that his movie buddy, Penny, is one of his ex and they dated for ard 8 months? They are still friends and he even thought of inviting her to his birthday lunch with me participating.
Thing is, he thought this could be the case with his 10 yrs ex, yet she is still obviously not over him.
And given that she contributed 10 yrs of love life and 5 yrs of friendship which is almost half of his life, he would never ever ask her not to contact him anymore. SHe is one of the most important person in his life.Is he over her? He made it clear that he would never want to have a relationship with her anymore, but he still missed the time they had together as he thinks that “they are in the same wavelength”, which is what he has been looking for as his soulmate and she was easy to be with(when she is not picking up fights and gone crazy) My guess is deep down he still thinks that she was “the one” yet he knows that they couldn’t be with each other because of her mental problem.
Am I worry? well, a little bit, because as I have said before, he will not stay in Asia for long, and he would like to go back to his hometown since the future of my place is doomed and is no longer pleasant to live anymore. He might want to go back. And he said that he wanna go home for a week and so, which made me worry that he will meet up with her and have sex and reunite, like my other friend did and broke up with his fiance.
I asked him a few times (once before we were together and after we re-united), if he wants to be back with her, he answered me twice as:” No, she is in UK, and I am here, and you are here” and the other 1 time he said he would never want to experience those days anymore. He never really said he IS OVER her, just that he doesnt want to have a relationship with her (with fights, emotions, troubles which will come along) anymore.
Typing all these out clear my mind, yea, I am insecure, because he wouldnt make things clear and like you said, is misleading her.
Bad update, while he was showing me something on his phone, I saw that his ex was texting him just right before we met up. I asked him straightaway about what are they talking about (in a light way of course, not in a jealous tone), he answered: “she has been texting me a lot lately, basically moaning why am I not coming home(town), why am i not going back to europe, how long i am going to stay here”
He said that he doesnt understand why she acted like this all of a sudden as they didnt hv such kind of conversations in a long time, never really happened during the pass 5-6 yrs they broke up. She was complaining about him not seeing her enough, and now she is literally complaining about him not talking to her enough, “why arent you talking much to me lately”
i asked if she knows that he is dating someone else, he said she knew, she knew it when she came here, and she asked “if she is the same one when i came?” but she commented nothing on that.I told him that it bothered me that she is acting like she still stands a chance. What really happened that night when they met (while we were having a cold war) and he said : nothing happened, maybe that’s why she had been annoyed because maybe she expected something to happen but turned out it didnt?
and he told me that she asked him : how many people did you have sex with?
he replied: i stop counting
she replied: I have xxxxxx
he told me that the number was muuuuuuch larger than he thought. out of his surprise coz during the 10 yrs relationship which they did in patches, they both slept with someone else during the “breaks”.i brought the topic up again while we were having another light conversation, about me and him, he said he can see that I am very understanding now, making progress and i know his needs. I replied that I am glad he noticed, yet this is one stuff that bothers me and I do not like that. I think he should make it clear to her, set a boundary.
He said he told her that she “doesnt get to demand / command anything from him anymore” (because she had been saying that you shouldnt see this person, why are you spending so much time with that person, why are you not seeing me enough) the whole time when she was here in Nov. he thought that stating “you dont get to demand anything” would be clear enough for her to get that, she is not in the position to ask him anything now.
i said “well but now she is crossing the line by asking you to go back, and even asked you about how many people did you have sex with”
and he said: since she had an issue, that she is mental, she has issue understanding things or seeing things in a normal way. and she is just crazy, she just wants all the attention and she often fight with people to gain their attention. everything is about her. He said i hv nothing to worry about.i said : maybe you shud really make it clear, but i dont know how.
TO be honest, I am not being insecure, I am annoyed
(I know I am good, way much of a catch for him and he wouldnt want the old way as it was too much trouble so i am not insecure)..not really worrying but still not 100% carefree. What should I do? I have made it clear that it bothers me, shall I just observe? Need some advices on this. Thank you!!Thanks Kanya, when i tried to work on that, i guess the feeling of insecureness have lost, and actually I wasnt feeling insecure about him hiking with his own friends, i respect his own time for sure=] i was just not sure if we gonna make it out for his birthday.
Good updates first, his birthday lunch went well, had a good time with his friends. just a little imperfection at the end, he was trying to make me save his ass not going to the “1 last bar” suggested by his friend, and i was trying to make everyone happy by saying “dont worry about me, we can go” turned out we were both exhausted by the end of the day, as both of us are introverts, who really need our own time to settle and hv intimate moments.
and another good things which made me very happy was yesterday during the brunch, he met his successor of his previous job and introduced me as “my better half”, I let him know that i was so happy hearing that and give him a big kiss after that. we spent a few hours in the weekend as it was a hard time for both of us living here in Asia with the epidemic, I am sure that it was a quality time and were connected emotionally. I asked him about his favourite memories in his hometown, he asked me about mine. share some memories and things that are important to him. was all good.
while saying the things about, about his ex, might make people think I am a side-piece. But i do know that he cares deeply for me, he did pay effort arranging stuffs for my birthday, taking care of every details, preparing breakfasts and wrote me a card saying that he hope that my birthday would be happy this year and hope that he can be part of it, and wrote “Thank you for putting up with me this year”. I feel like my efforts pay off.
After that, it was new year and I was stressed out by all the works, issues with my family and friends. He was never tired of listening to me, bitching with me and even giving me advice like “yea you should bail them next time or let them wait for an hour, that’s how they will learn” haha, mean but i like it. one night i really want to cry in the middle of work, i said “when i said i need to talk i literally need to talk, please call me when you are home” he replied me that he will leave the event soon and called me, he did, he called me the moment he left that building, listen to me complaining about my sister, my friend, my freelance job…it was so nice, haha somehow i have to thank his 10 yrs ex for training him to be a man like this.
on the other hand, we have been involving in different stuffs together, like learning stuffs with my friend, and going to different tastings together. I have got invited to a lunch and he said he will tag along, later that week he said his colleague really wants to meet me, and he asked if i would like to meet her and her husband and have the lunch together. I am overwhelmed by this, but at the same time it triggers my insecurity, having things planned together, and having more people know about us.
I have always been having this insecurity that if I expose too much, letting more people know, something bad will happen, what if there is a single but straight fight and we break up? as an introvert, I also have difficulties meeting new people, he mentioned that he will have drinks with his friends on his birthday and if i want to meet them, i can see them on his birthday. yet, when he went hiking with the small group of them, he didnt ask me along. I am not sure. and i had a nightmare about going to watch movie with him and one of the girl in the small group, who is a long term friend of his, i felt awkward in the dream, even made up excuses not to go into the cinema.
and my insecurities also come from his unpredictability, I am afraid that once he got annoyed, he will lost the interest to do everything and just said lets cancel them. I think this might be the incident happened the year before last year, before we broke up. It was the first time he flaked and i felt that he was distancing himself from me, we had also made plan going to an event together, where i would met his work partner. He cancelled it last minute without even bother to tell me, until i asked. I text him, he ignored it, and i had to call him, he didnt pick up either, an hour later when i was all freakout, he replied and said he didnt feel like going there to avoid all the mingling. That’s when i first thought of breaking up with him, because the moment i waited for his text to confirm about the event (to see if I should bring my dress and high heels with me to work), it was torturing. I admitted that we didnt have a good communication back then, but it kinda make me feel insecure all the time now. because i am not sure when he will flake like last year, again. by that time, i thought everything was fine, so that’s make me more insecure, i am not sure if i should trust my instinct, what if I think that we are perfectly fine now, and next week he flakes again? T_T
please help, i know this is something i have to deal with my inner thoughts, and I am not sure if it’s PMS which makes me so over-anxious, over interpreting things. No matter how much i trust myself, deep down, what happened the year before last year was somehow so hurtful. Will this wound heal by itself? Do you think I should talk to him about this? it seems too annoying and I dont want to make it a drama out of no where.
oh sorry Kanya, I didn’t actually pick up the conversation about his ex and setting boundary, it still does bother me a bit but not that much since I am occupied by some other things.
Updatesss~ we have been to a short trip together, it was fun on the first two days, then we had a rough day when we head to 2 tourist spots. I have told him that he wouldnt like those places and he said why not go and have a look, i was like, okay then, since he is a tourist (while I have been there a couple of times, and never like tourist spots). He was annoyed by not having a seat, too many tourists, boring souvenier shops, long travelling time, not being able to sit together….i was like “what’s the fun if you act like someone have offended you and you wouldnt try anything there? what’s the point?”
Knowing that he had been to Japan with one of his ex and he was annoyed because that girl didnt ask if he wanted to have lunch and kept walking in the museum for like 6 hours. they broke up after that trip. So I was very careful taking care of him, but on the same time i feel exhausted. I lose my temper on the way down from the mountain while he was giving harsh comment on the tourist spot which his colleague suggested him to go as well, he tried to comfort me but i said, i just cant adjust my emotion and cheer all in a sudden, i will be gloomy all night. we then had a few arguements, on the taxi we finally made peace. yet the dinner place was awful, we didn’t talk all night and went straight to bed after a speechless walk on the street after dinner….
He said the next morning that he tried to make conversation in the dinner place while i seems quiet and didnt want to talk. To me, it was him who had the annoyed face.
(and yes later this month he said he was sorry because he upset me on the mountain by his attitude, a late apology but i would accept it as he did think about it)
I realised that we have a very different style of travelling, i even thought “hey, that’s not fun travelling with you, i had more fun with my girl friend while travelling to somewhere exotic, at least she is someone who would explore new stuffs with me together”. I am pretty sure this was how he thought after the japan trip with the ex, he told me that he thought it would be better without her, and he said that from the trip, many communication problems appeared and he said having that thought was not healthy so he broke up with her then. I asked him: “what’s the difference between our trip? we had a really bad day as well, we even fought on the street” He said it was different, as our trip in the city was all perfect, and it wasnt a fight, it was barely an arguement.
He did tell me that he has been exhausted throughout the trip too, for constantly worrying that i might not feel good going to the place he wants with him and having to do what he wants to do together. I told him that i had the same feeling too, but as long as we promise to say it out if we dont want to do anything, and I did suggest that we can have a separate day and do what we like by ourselves throughout the trip.To my surprise, he suggested going to Japan for Tokyo Olympic together later this year, all booked and he was very excited about it. It seems that the different travel habit doesn’t bother him. Deep down i am worry that this might be the “death bomb” which lead to break up XD but will still give it a go, i always worry too much.
oh yes, as Heidi suggested, I did keep observing about he & his ex. He picked a postcard for his 10 yrs ex, his mom and his best friend. wrote it in front of me while we were not talking at the dinner place, wrote something like the card is especially for her (with the cats). i thought “yea of course he would, those are 3 most important person in his life” well…and he told me that she had been telling him about her arguements with her parents, she said she was upset, and he said :”urgh same stuffs as usual, tired of all her dramas in her life”
Hi Kanya,
it does bother me a bit when his ex’ msg pop up when we were on the hike. they used to communicate through FB msg, but now it switched to Whatsapp, he didnt really reply that much on FB, but when it changes to a daily communication medium, it seems like the frequency is increased too. yet the way we have been treating each other is somehow calming so i have confident.
yes it does trigger some old insecurities after my aunt said that+the second time i saw her msg pop up when i met him a week after. i even had a nightmare of her calling him during our coming trip. (i would relate this to what happened between me and my ex, which i found that he had been flirting with another girl, while we were on our grad trip).
you mention that what my aunt said triggers my old insecurities, and it doesnt seem to me that way but the fact that i have been thinking about it, makes it more valid.
