[M C]

Hey! I truly loved the analogy you shared about the tornado… I love the thought that life sometimes feels like everything is up in the air. We all feel weary and tired at some point, and it all feels too much some days. It is a normal part of life. I also loved the role you shared with me – how we are meant to be the grounding base for our special partner. We are not meant to fix or erase their pain or turmoil – just be a supporting base, a fan and a reminder that it will too shall pass… it WILL get better at some point!

I loved the part you shared about reminding him how awesome he is and all of all the qualities i see in him. He indeed is an amazing man and has got out of really difficult situations with so much honour, dignity and grace. Just reminding him of these things must be such a confidence booster! All i need to do is re-focus my energy – from wanting to erase the pain or be his rescuer (i do have this tendency to do this w people i care about), and see him as the amazing man he is. Trusting he can handle it – i am just going to be there and present, holding his hand while he goes through it, and celebrate with him when those dark times end. It has been a couple of really difficult years for him, and yet he smiles most days of his life, gives his best to everyone around him, and conducts his life with love, peace, joy and integrity. I really value him and his character so much!

Thanks for this blog, I love it and learn so much about how to be a better partner to my amazing man.

MC

[M C]

I wonder if part of the issue is feeling responsible for how he feels… it is not true, no one is responsible for other people’s feelings… we can only be a support and encouragement, and guess be a good support and company while they feel better… He is a lot more upbeat this week and we have had a lovely week. I still want to be more at ease in how I feel when he needs my support.

Any thoughts?

[M C]

Thanks for these great questions Kanya.
What I ind hard is the fact that I feel he is being a bit negative i guess and do not feel like I can tell him this, for fear of loosing him… I do not like this about myself but that is the truth… my tendency to please people or say what i think people wnat to hear out of fear of loosing their affection…

And yes, him focusing too much on these negative issues stops him from having fun together and focusing on us… He is normally very upbeat, open and chatty with me… asks for my advise and is very attentive. Yet the last time he had this challenging time at work i mentioned it did bring me down. I am able to normally cheer him up and this time it was harder… i guess i felt impotent and like he was a bit too self focused… we do not get a lot of time together as his job is quite demanding so I would like the time we have to be amazing… Am i being selfish or idealistic here?

Thank you. it is great to be able to chat with you about it.

[M C]

As a therapist myself I have realised when people say they don’t have enough money for therapy that is really not the case… They just do not have the money for IT, but they do for something else.
I absolutely agree with Kanya… You are a woman of value, seem mature, open and honest and would never treat people the way these men have treated you. I am sure you would not hit someone who had already fallen on the floor. Or leave him when he needed you most. If you ask me, your first guy has some narcissistic traits… if you can join some blogs etc that might help… i say this as they helped me go through my own heartbreak after being with a man who took no emotional responsibility for his choices, and always blamed then on me. He too hurt me physically and it was so hard for me to let him go. I finally did and i am thankful for it. He is an outstanding man, but not a good husband to me. I need and desire for me someone who can be both.

Also, yes you are right. We need to love ourselves more. But there are always lies we believe about who we are and why we deserve to be treated the way we do… it requires time and commitment, and a skilled therapist or coach to help you find these lies… I found out the reason i thought i deserved to be hurt was as i made a mistake a while ago that i still regret… Once i was able to understand this did not make me unworthy of feeling loved i was able to make much better choices for the people i allow to enter my life…

Lastly, I agree 100% with Kanya… The best you can do is to learn to love yourself again, go through the healing and stop trying to fix your own need of assurance with one man… when we are broken nobody can… This does not meanyou are nor amazing, it just means there are parts if your identity to still need to discover. You seem like such a caring, honest, open, loving, forgiving and committed person… always willing to help people and loved by many.

Yet as emotionally mature women we will find much better matches for us when we are WHOLE… then no one will need to complete you, they just be able to be your perfect match 🙂

Wish you the best and I do hope you take the choice to staying strong and focused on what will serve you most… your own path and your own healing… remember your daughters are learning too which type of relationship they should allow in their lives from watching you…

[M C]

To the moderators…

I have a question… If I wanted to look into a private coach by phone, could I choose someone I have met in this forum like Kanya? If so, how can this happen? Thank you!

[M C]

Someone recently told me 3 things to look for in a mature guy:
– is able to take personal responsibility
– shows empathy to my needs and how i feel
– shows self control

I have been asking myself these questions when dating… If the guy does not show these, he can be an AMAZING guy, but will he be right for me?

I already dated Mr. Amazing. He was and continues to be an amazing man outside. Sadly after a while his emotional immaturity allowed me to see he is indeed an amazing man, just truly and sadly not good for me. These things always come out.

I would be careful engaging if he is not willing to look at how his choices make you feel, and somehow puts the blame on you (saying you snooped)… this does not sound like someone who will take care of your needs…

[M C]

So sorry, i totally missed pages 2 and 3 of this thread… So when i wrote my last response, I did not realise he found out about the affair. I apologise.
I hope everything turns well for you both. He seems like a great man who was willing to fight for his marriage, that hugely counts to me as it shows he is a man who will fight for what is right. He believes commitment is a big deal and was willing to try his best. That shows a whole deal about who he is, so i can see why you are drawn to him and the man he is.

I know it must be so painful for you to see him angry, distant and heartbroken, but at least he will now know that door is closed and will be able to move on with his life. Also, he wont regret being responsible for seeing his kids heart broken which seemed to be his main concern. That too shows lovely values, like he is willing to put his own needs aside for the needs of those he loves.

Such a sad thing to find out, but once he has recovered, I do hope there is hope for you both. You seem to care so much about him and that counts so much too 🙂

Sadly I find wrong priorities and values have so much to do with how many people live so heart broken in this world. He does seem someone who is worth the wait.

All the best for you both.

[M C]

I am not sure if i am the only one here wondering this… i know nothing about his ex wife, but i would much rather a guy i really treasure was happy together with his family, even if that meant i had to loose him… you might all think i am out of my mind, but isn’t it better for a family to be together than apart? Specially when children are involved…i know it has been 3.5 years and that seems quite unfair… yet i personally think family would come first any time… not sure how that sounds to you but those are my values and that is what i believe is best for everyone involved…
Even if the ex was just playing and/or manipulating, he still seems to need the chance to find this out himself…i’d say if he is such a great man as you say he is then it is quite worth while giving him that chance… then if he does come back after afterwards, he will most likely appreciate you even more…
To me the most important thing i have learned through James is to know we are women of value… that means sometimes having to wait until a man knows for SURE we are His amazing price. The wait surely IS painful, but in the end it will be so worthwhile.

[M C]

I wonder if having sex quite early on doesn’t help sometimes… not sure but it seems to me once it happens the “chase”is not as exciting? Not to think of the past, but towards the future… wondering what everyone else thinks.

[M C]

This video is sooo sweet… My favourite couples were the ones where you could see they were taking their time… they remained closed after, smiled at each other, and seemed close after… Thank you for sharing!

• This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by M C.

[M C]

Kanya,just gotta say i love your in depth questions… 🙂 I learn a lot from the books i got from Be irresistible, but also from this forum 🙂

[M C]

Thanks Heidi!

The reason we have not met is he lives in a different country than mine… he planned a trip to come visit me, but due to the virus he might not able to come… his finances are not great now due to his divorce settlements and he works at an airline so he gets free flights to my country but they recently stopped flying here.

I am thinking I could go see him, I need to go to his area anyhow as my children and their dad are there… i was not allowed to go with them as i had to sort some issues here but now i am able to fly. My kids father did not want to remain married and his wife did not want to be married either, so we are both looking for a new partners. Our situations were similar, but his happened before mine so he has already gone through the whole process of separation both emotionally and legally, and he has been an amazing support at this time. He is trying to help me fly out of my country so a) i can see my children as they dont know when they will be back (their school is closed and most of their friends are out of the country), and b) so him and I could meet. They are in similar areas so i could do both.

Thank you very much for your advise about the weight gain.

I decided to speak to him about this issue and be open and honest about how i feel. I mentioned to him i saw his remarks as a possible sign of lack of unconditional love and acceptance and that worried me. He apologised for ever making me feeling that way, and was very reassuring. He said that from what he knows about me he loves my character and my heart and my mind… and he added that it would be alright if I did put on weight one day. i described to him how we both might age… and explained he might be getting bald (his dad is), get wrinkles, belly, etc… and i would become wrinkly, thin hair, bony hands, maybe weight gain… I am really slim right now but you just never know and in my family ladies tend to be chubby in old age… He said all that would be alright and he would love to grow old together with a partner he felt close to and was able to love. I think overall his response was really good.

Despite all this, i was feeling secure about us but i started not to since a few days ago… so as i am writing to you i am trying to process and understand why this is… One thing i believe is linked to it is he has mentioned twice that he knows i will get along with his mom as she is a loving person and does not judge. Yet he has also said that her and his older sister are “very protective of me”… i am not sure what that means, and it makes me feel a bit insecure in our relationship – like he did not trust me, or if this was a little bit like a threat… i would like to hear your advise.

He is extremely complimentary of me, tells me he is blown away with my character, and that he never thought he would meet a woman like me… he calls me every day on his way to work and back on video chat, and until now has always kept his word… makes time for us to chat when he gets home too, has told a few people about us, and tells me he really hopes and prays he gets to marry me as i fill 99% of the things he is looking for in a woman for life. He has been honest about difficult issues, and has proved patient when i have needed time off to respond to things i have needed to talk through with someone… overall he seems like a really trustworthy man and very committed and honest. He also apologised one day recently when he forgot to let me know where he was going to be as i texted him to say did he have time to video chat, which showed he is able to be humble too, which is important to me. he also said he would leave the place where he was so we could chat soon, to which i said no don’t rush, take time for yourself too…he was so appreciative of me saying this and made sure i knew he was so grateful. Out tome zones are very different so for us to chat after he finishes work it is quite late for me so he thought i would be sleeping… that is why he apologised as he said he assumed i was but next time he would let me know regardless. So overall he just seems like a man with very good values to me. He said if i do go visit him i will be able to meet his children who will be visiting him too next week and he would really like that, and also asked for me to go at a time when they are back with their mother so him and i can spend some time together too. I thought that was a good sign also…

Overall things seem to be going well, yet i somehow feel insecure, i am not sure if because of my vulnerable time when i am still waiting for my divorce to come through (my ex is making it slow as i found out he does not want to have to settle things financially)… my guy said he understands my situation and is happy to wait for my divorce (he went through one too around 3 years ago) as well.. in both our cases we did not want the divorce but our spouses did, and he has shown a peace making and very respectful attitude towards both our ex spouses which make me think highly of him as well. We talk about everything and have started spending long hours on the phone when we can since around 3 weeks ago when i had to stop working due to the forced quarantine, around 3-4 times a week. So in general very positive, but still not sure why i am feeling insecure…

Thanks very much for your help.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by M C.

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