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Just curious. Why do you still want to go on the trip? Can you go as his friend and just have fun with no expectations? Or are you hoping you can change his feelings?
Brenda. Thanks for sharing your story. I’m still healing and your process helps me. I wish I’d known about this when I was in the middle of my storm. It would’ve saved me thousands of $$$$ in Therapy.
Honestly. I would love to just choose to forgive. And on a cognitive level I do. I know I wasn’t meeting his needs. But cheating was his choice.
You haven’t responded to this thread in a long time. I would very much like to know how you have resolved your quandary because our circumstances were so similar.
I also focused only on getting him back. My husband kept pointing out that I had a choice too. That I needed to be sure I could be happy moving forward. At some point I just realized he wasn’t behaving rationally and I could no longer leave my future in the hands of people who were irrational. I made an appointment with an attorney mainly just to prepare for the possible outcome that he would choose her. That kind of turned things around for us. I had to have control of my destiny.
I also wanted to point out that even if he comes back, you will still have to continue healing. You’ve suffered a trauma. That’s not going to magically heal just because you have him back. We’ve been back together 4 months. I thought I would be able to turn the page and move forward. It hasn’t been that easy. A really good book that has helped me (and my husband) is After The Affair by Janis A. Spring.
A bit more info. I also think that my husband is two years from retirement impacted his decision to try again. I asked him what his future with her (and her two year old daughter) really looked like. Was he going to move to this tiny town where she lived? How were they going to date? She doesn’t want him to be involved with her daughter. So were they just going to continue this email thing? And of course if I took half our assets and he was paying alimony he couldn’t retire as planned. He’s wanted to retire early since he graduated from college.
I know I haven’t forgiven him fully. I haven’t let go of all the resentment. And I’m sure he hasn’t either. But as things improve, I’m hoping those resentments will fade. In many ways it might have been easier to end things. And I think had I not fought so hard to save our marriage, he wouldn’t have resisted. He was ready to leave. In fact two months after the affair was revealed, he and his “friend” were busted again. At that time I made him move out and told him he couldn’t move back until he was prepared to end all interaction with her. I had an appointment with an attorney (even though my husband was pleading with me to give him time to sort things out) and was prepared to proceed with divorce. Then he called and tearfully asked if I still wanted him and asked if he could come home. I asked what that meant (coming home?) and he said I was his home. He had previously promised that if we tried again he would be committed 150% and I would see the difference. He also said it would be his time to be vulnerable. I have seen the difference. He’s done everything I could have asked and been more loving and romantic than I could’ve even imagined.
We’ve taken trips together that have been unbelievably fun and romantic. But day-to-day life isn’t always fun and romantic. It’s really easy to get in a rut. And it’s a challenge to avoid that.
Thanks. It is hard. But part of my resentment is that he was emailing her back and forth while I was sitting right next to him. So he put his phone away when we started trying to put things back together. I didn’t. Because I hadn’t done anything wrong and reading or playing solitaire or whatever was a method of self soothing. But now that things are better and my anxiety is lessened I feel like I need to be fully present.
There have been significant changes in his behavior. But it doesn’t always feel organic. More like a very conscious effort. It has become more natural over time. I’m hoping I can use the techniques in this program to accelerate and cement the changes and make them emanate from his heart rather than his head.
I know he loves me. And he says he’s in love with me. My challenge is to not allow the mundane details to get in the way of our progress and to avoid settling back into old patterns that got us here in the first place.
Hi Brenda. I’m Trudi. I just joined and made a post about my situation which coincidentally happens to be almost the opposite of yours. One thing I almost forgot to mention is that aside from a few phone calls and two meetings in a seedy hotel, my husband’s affair was conducted almost entirely via email. Those relationships can be very intense and very satisfying, in part because you don’t have to deal with the mundane everyday details of life.
