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Thanks! I’m actually both proud and embarrassed that I finally got it! Lol.
Today provided a perfect example of how screwed up I’ve been for far too long. We’re in the middle of a remodel. The new lighting has been installed but there were no light bulbs. So today I went and spent what amounts to college tuition for one class at community college on light bulbs. One chandelier had a candle that isn’t working. My first response was to call my husband and ask what to do. He basically told me to buy a replacement and have the electrician replace the light fixture and i can return the one that isn’t working. Which, if I wasn’t so insecure, I would’ve done without his input. Not that complicated. So I get off the phone, and instead of telling myself I knew what to do and didn’t need to call him, the voice in my head says “You idiot! Of course that’s what you should do! Any fool could figure that out! Now your husband thinks you are too stupid to breathe on your own …”. I would’ve texted an apology, or worse, fretted over it all afternoon. Today I didn’t. I told myself that hubby probably never gave it another thought. And kind of considered why I thought it was such a big deal, and why I shouldn’t dwell on it. And while I did review my emotional reaction to the situation further, I didn’t get anxious. Tonight I shared with him all I’ve just told you, and his response was perfect. “I just thought you were asking if I wanted to do it, or if you should have the electrician handle it. I never gave it another thought. And I never think you’re stupid.”
Sorry I’ve taken so long to respond. There’s just been a lot going on. And a lot of different things have happened that kind of resulted in a paradigm shift for me. An epiphany of sorts. I gave a lot of thought to Your earlier post. Sort of let it roll around in my head for a bit so it could sort itself out. I also read a book “The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fvck”. Funny thing is, although this book wasn’t saying anything new or different than what you’ve been telling me, or my husband has been telling me, or my friends, or therapist, or my kids, something about the way this guy framed the discussion just gave me an “ah ha!” Moment. Suddenly it just made more sense.
So I’m settling in and beginning the hard start to cognitive behavioral therapy. Self care is key to this process. If I can “fix” me, I will have the tools to deal with whatever comes, and that confidence will reduce my anxiety. Nothing my husband can do or say can do that for me. I love him deeply and I want a future with him, but nobody knows what the future holds so I need to focus on the now, accept that there will be good moments and bad moments along the way and know that I can handle it. One major thing I’ve realized is that my anxiety robbed me of the pleasure of the good times, because in the midst of those times, I’d start worrying about how long it would last and how it would end and what would happen when it did. In some ways the good was almost more anxiety inducing than the bad. It’s kind of sad that I’ve been doing that for almost 60 years, but I could live another 10 – 20 – 30 years. They can be better. Even now, when I have a clear plan, I’m already starting to worry about having the will power and perseverance to execute. Lol. Change is hard. But failure is just part of growth. And if I don’t succeed out of the gate, it doesn’t mean the process is flawed or that I can’t be successful. I just have to try again, learn more and grow more.
Thank you for your help.
Hey. Sorry I’ve taken so long to respond. I didn’t really mean to challenge you. I guess I was just trying to explain my anxiety. I’m not really arguing that I’m not afraid, or that my insecurity isn’t based in fear. I was just trying to explain that I don’t really consider myself a fearful person. That doesn’t jive with my self image. In fact, I generally consider myself pretty fearless and tough and most people who know me, I believe, would agree.
I’ll continue at a later time. This weekend has been busy but I’ve given a lot of thought to your advice and there’s a lot to respond to.
It’s about fear of pain. And pain avoidance is generally healthy. Both choices have some pain involved. It’s about minimizing pain and maximizing happiness. Would I be happier and more content if I took control of the choices from him and started over? Or would I instantly regret it and struggle? If I stay, will I ever feel more secure in the relationship? I don’t think it’s realistic to accept that anyone can leave at any moment. That’s an indisputable fact. They can. But if you just accept that, why make a commitment to begin with? Most the programs Mr. Bauer and his colleagues develop are about how to get Your SO to commit and STAY committed!
I want to correct one thing you said (I absolutely agree with most). Specifically this:
“You learn to put your trust in YOURSELF and not him. It’s about you TRUSTING YOURSELF that no matter what his choices are in life, you are going to be okay. You will figure out how to get back up on your feet regardless, because you are resilient…and that’s what you don’t really know nor believe about within yourself.”
I absolutely do trust in myself. I absolutely With full conviction KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can create a new life that is happy and exciting and fulfilling without him. I also know it would be painful to start over. And I know that there would be regrets.
That’s why it’s a difficult decision. Do I give up on this relationship with a man I love beyond anything I ever dreamed of because I’m scared he’ll cheat again? Because I’m anxious. And because I know that if I turn the page I can be happy and have a fresh start sans all that baggage and anxiety?
I saw a therapist briefly to help me through the initial trauma. But I don’t think it was the right therapist for me. At least for the time. I openly acknowledge that I have negative thinking tendencies and cognitive behavioral therapy is something I need to pursue. And i am doing research and reading a lot and journaling, and doing work … on my own. But at the time I was suffering in crisis. Talking about my father and art therapy and dream therapy just wasn’t helpful in the moment. My husband will not go to therapy and hasn’t really explained his opposition in any way that makes sense to me. I really suspect that he doesn’t want to face some hard truths about his affair (and likely about our relationship as well), and why it happened and fears he would be forced to do so. This is all speculation on my part and I’m no specialist, so huge grain of salt required. My husband is 53, seven years younger than I am. His affair person is 33. She is married to her high school sweetheart and has a two year old daughter. My husband loved being a dad, and for much of our marriage we’ve been focused on co-parenting. This “friendship” began when my daughter was about to leave home for college. It was classic midlife crisis IMO, but it doesn’t really matter. His feelings for her were very intense and My husband’s emotional needs were being met by a woman 27 years younger than me, who thought he was her mentor (at work) and Hero. The relationship existed in a tunnel. Real relationships can’t compete with that. I’ve tried to make him own that, but he still insists that theirs was the most precious love that ever loved (sarcasm). So in a nutshell, the short story he tells me is that he wasn’t unhappy with me and he wasn’t looking for anything and he can’t explain why things progressed from friendship to true love for them, but his love for her is/was real and we may never understand why it happened so we just need to focus on us.
The only reason I’m thinking of pulling the plug is over my anxiety about the relationship. It’s pretty intense. I’m happy except for that, if it makes sense. I was married for 27 years, and I knew our relationship was far from perfect, but I thought we were entering a new phase, without children at its center. I was looking forward to a new adventure. He was looking for a “do-over”. He wanted to have another family. Raise another child. And he needs to believe it was only because this woman was extra “speshul”.
I think maybe bored is the wrong word. Or at least I should clarify that I’m not bored, but I fear he may be. Like I said, I really haven’t been unhappy in our marriage. We’re kinda goofy, and I enjoy his company no matter what we’re doing. We can have fun watching Family Feud. But he really doesn’t talk to me about how he’s feeling and that leads to a lot of insecurity on my part. It always has, but I kind of learned to accept that he’s just not a talker and he showed me he loved me in other ways. Then bam! I learned of his affair, and the real kick in the gut was he told me that he could talk to her. Could tell her everything. In fact, the majority of their relationship was conducted through emails and consisted almost entirely of just sharing the mundane details of their separate lives. “Just got back from Walmart. Bought some dish towels.” They were immersed in each other’s lives and nothing was too mundane or inconsequential to share. That they’d had a sexual relationship was far less devastating than that. That he was so crazy about her, he was fascinated by the minutiae of her daily life is heart wrenching. And it’s also the reason I find it so hard to trust him again. The affair revealed that he wanted a very different relationship than we’ve had. He needed a deeper emotional connection than he felt with me. That he actually wants a relationship in which he felt more open to share his deep emotional feelings. And he wants someone whose trip to Walmart is important just because it’s her story. That whatever I’m doing isn’t so fascinating as her trip to Walmart.
It also doesn’t help that when I try to get him to open up to me, he tightens up and it sometimes leads to conflict and we don’t deal with conflict well. He says I’m pushing. We never reach any kind of resolution and I’m usually left feeling more confused and insecure than before. The last time I tried to force the conversation, it pretty much concluded with him asking me what I needed that I wasn’t getting. I couldn’t answer on the spot. I didn’t have a simple answer to give him right then and there. But the next day I told him what I needed was to believe that I’m the only woman he loves and wants and that his mission (should he choose to accept it) was to convince me, maybe for the rest of his life. And that’s pretty much it.
I love him. I have since the day he took my hand the first time. We hadn’t even shared a kiss yet and I wasn’t even certain we were on a date, or if we were just hanging out as friends. But he grabbed my hand, and it felt like home. And after the affair, when he asked me to take him back (the second time) he sobbed “I want to come home. You are my home.” I honestly could be perfectly happy with the way things are between us now. I don’t need for him to be spilling his guts at every turn, and I don’t think that’s who he is anyway, even with his affair person. But his defensiveness when I do want to talk about our relationship, and worse … his evasiveness … make me suspicious and insecure. And that makes it hard to just “be”. Periods of silence between two people who’ve shared a lifetime together shouldn’t be uncomfortable so much of the time.
In answer to your question about what work has he done, he’s participated in some of the reading although I feel like I’m coercing him. We’ve done worksheets from one of Joel Gottman’s workbooks and they’ve lead to some revealing conversations. He refuses to seek counseling. He’s offered some of his reasoning for his resistance, but he ultimately can’t explain why he’s so adamantly opposed. But he’s actually usually willing to follow my lead on things we can try, and he’s taken me on some romantic getaways. We’ve even had fun role playing. Or more accurately, talking about role playing. We’ve created alternate characters that we pull out on some of our date nights but we really don’t stay in character and play it through. It’s more of a joke, but it’s been fun. Our sex life is very very good. Better than even during our courtship, but that’s another loooooooooong story.
I guess the crux of my decision has to be how long will it take for me to feel secure in the relationship? To believe I’m the only woman he wants? And if the answer is, there’s no time limit and it may take the rest of my life and may never happen, am I willing to accept that and just keep plugging away? Or do I give up the love of my life? Will my life be better without him and all the insecurities loving him involves?
I’m sorry you had this experience. I know how much you hurt right now. I have no words of advice. Just wanted you to know you’re not alone.
Ugh. I have one of those. He shuts down and stews when he’s mad at me. Swears it isn’t “punishment” but it feels like it. Sorry I haven’t found an answer
Heidi. I googled first date questions. Then I reminded him that he always needs about 30 minutes of time when he gets home from work to simply unwind. I told him I need 30 minutes of conversation that doesn’t simply involve relaying the events of our day. I suggested we play a game. Told him I googled “first date questions” and found 160 of them. Suggested we take about 10 of them each night. Answer them for ourselves and for each other. Figured we could see which of us really “got” the other best and could learn something about each other at the same time. His enthusiasm was underwhelming.
I may have missed my best shot at building an emotional connection. After he ended his affair he was uber romantic. I was uber protective.
I will say I had success using some techniques I learned here. We’re doing a kitchen remodel. I texted him the other day and said I needed his help. The construction company was coming to demo the kitchen and I needed help removing some decorative items from the top of the cabinets. Texted
Me: I need your help to get the stuff off the top of our cabinets. I can’t get them without standing on top of the counters. I’m feeling a bit wobbly. Would you please hold me steady?
Him: I’d be happy to hold you.
He came home and took care of everything himself. No holding was involved. But he responded well.
As I said before, your advice has been very thought provoking and I’ve been giving your words considered contemplation these past few days. I had an epiphany. My husband came back to me because he loves me. He’s always loved me. Even when he was having an affair. But he was having an affair because his emotional needs weren’t being met in our relationship. By that same token, I too have been having my emotional needs met outside our marriage as well, for much longer than he has. He denied his unhappiness and lack of emotional fulfillment until a young woman he had been mentoring triggered something in him … probably his Hero Instinct, and that led to a deep emotional attachment that fulfilled him emotionally in ways I haven’t. It tipped into an affair for many reasons, but the emotional attachment he shared with her is the challenge. Not the affair.
While I’ve been focused on my resentments, which I thought was part of my healing process, I forgot that he put aside someone who touched him emotionally in ways I haven’t. For the first three months, he made such romantic overtures I swoon from the memories alone. But I didnt trust it, and I justified it by saying that I hadn’t healed yet. But things have cooled off considerably and we’ve gone back to barely talking about anything but the mechanics of our day. I’m afraid this is a consequence of hanging on to my resentment.
I’ve expressed my disappointment that we’ve stopped having the more meaningful conversations we had in the midst of our crisis and we’ve returned to the less rewarding mundane habits of recounting our activities of the day and then settling in our chairs for another night of TV. This how it was before I found out about the affair, except back then, I’d also be on my iPad on social media or texting friends, and he’d be sharing emails back and forth with his girlfriend. But I sound like I’m just nagging, and I think he feels like he can’t do enough.
I know I missed the opportunity to build a deeper emotional connection because I was so hurt, but is it too late to get it back. Did I just blow it?
This was an awesome lecture. But I missed the solution. Lol. Will watch again. There were some other helpful videos that followed this one.
