[Moe]

Hello!

Well, everything’s just out of place. Almost a year ago my son was discharged from the marines & came back an arrogant bully. He would throw away my stuff & just say “you didn’t need that.” It escalated to name calling & telling me what to do. Then he started breaking things like my tv right in front of me & I had to call the police several times. In October he slammed a glass door closed on me. My hands were cut up pretty bad & it punctured a tendon on my arm. That’s the last I seen of him but me being alone worried my sister so I moved in with her & now we have 2 households worth of stuff in 1 house & I’m still digging through boxes to find clothes to wear.
My son’s mad I called the police so he’s just trying to destroy me & has some of my own family believing really vile things about me & it’s causing a lot of trouble between all of us. My Granny is 98 yrs old & broke her pelvis recently so she needs constant care & there’s just me & one aunt that can take care of her. Two weeks ago he called adult protective services claiming we were neglecting her but it didn’t take them long to see it wasn’t true. So that’s what I meant by it’s a mess.
I do have other people in my life that help me a lot. I don’t ‘need’ a guy to come & fix everything. I want somebody to share the responsibility with so I don’t have to be the single lady that has to count on everybody else. In 20 yrs the longest relationship I’ve had was 5 months. So I can & have done this on my own. It just didn’t bother me so much when I was younger plus I had the best friend that anyone could ever have. She was older than me but I could always count on her. We liked taking road trips & even drove to Vegas. She was there & helped me take care of my momma when she was dying. So I never really felt alone when things didn’t work out. She stopped answering my texts one evening. A few hours later her daughter called me & said they couldn’t wake her up.
I have another really close friend but she lives 12 hrs away. Every year one of us would make the trip to visit but we haven’t been able to for about 5 years now. It’s different with the rest of my friends.
No, I don’t want to settle but over the years I’ve let several decent men pass me by because I wasn’t “in love” or immediately attracted. Men aren’t really looking for women over 40 with asshole kids & a family that’s falling apart so the few that show interest are just no way, I do have some standards, & the 1 that finally comes along that I could work with, walks away over a misunderstanding so feeling empowered isn’t really a main concern of mine.

I think it’s absolutely ridiculous that people can’t seem to do anything without a phone attached to their hand & then get irritated with me because I don’t immediately text them back. If I’m outside or cleaning the house or cooking or babysitting my nieces, I’m not gonna drop what I’m doing because I got a message & it’s a bit inconsiderate to expect me to. People can’t even sit down at the table without a phone in front of their face. It’s an addiction. If somebody embarrasses themself, has a public breakdown, or just needs help, in just a few minutes they’ll get to watch it from 5 different angles along with millions of other people. Facebook causes 1/3 of divorces, social media is ruining friendships, kids use it to bully each other, it’s creating a society of degenerates. There’s plenty of reasons to hate these phones.

I keep my politics, religion, & any other beliefs I have to myself. I’m not one of those people that push it on everybody & it may not seem like it but I actually get along with most people. But yeah, he’s the first person I’ve come across that can name names & even when we didn’t agree, the discussion remained civil. It was nice to have a conversation with someone that didn’t turn into a 5 yr old when they didn’t like what they heard.

I’m not sure of another way to face fear when it’s been in my face for 20 yrs & is very real. I know that statistically if a woman has never been married by the time she’s 40, there’s only a slim chance that it’ll ever happen so the fear seems legitimate. No matter how good I feel about myself, I’ll still not want to be alone. I’ve read the books & watched videos & finished the workbooks. I’ve been working on myself for years. If everybody had someone out there that would love them for who they were, the books, videos, & websites like this wouldn’t exist. It just doesn’t work for some people. I spent 2 days working on a message that wasn’t nasty or needy & used the techniques specifically to fit him, I didn’t make accusations or blame him for anything & within a few minutes got a response. It was like he was responding to a totally different message, none of it had anything to do with what I sent. None of it phased him at all. It didn’t trigger, stir, or awaken anything. It was just yeah I don’t hate anyone, I got my own problems so no offense, I had to unplug myself. So it doesn’t matter now. He checked out.

[Moe]

Damn. You’re good.
Correct, that’s what it looks like. That’s why I think there’s more to it, I just don’t know.
I was kinda excited at first. He used to have a reputation for being a tough nice guy. Always friendly but not a pushover. I’m attracted to masculine men & I think not making an exhibition of how strong & tough they are is a good quality. But sometimes he would say or do something that was whiny or immature & it started to suppress the excitement. I figured I was just being too judgmental because he does have a lot going on. His mom died almost a year ago, he just started a new job & had to hire a lawyer because last month his ex-wife sold his house that was granted to him in the divorce & the people who bought it called the police & had him kicked off the property so he’s staying with a friend who has a big family which makes him feel like a burden, then his dog that’s been with him through everything had died. I thought he was exaggerating about the house but I looked up the court records & that’s exactly what happened. It’s scary how your own home can be easily stolen. Anyway, I was trying to convince myself that maybe what I thought was neediness was just the weight of the world falling on him all at once & he just needs a little encouragement but at the same time I didn’t want to completely dismiss it so it would soften the landing if I were to be dropped when things got better. That made a lot more sense before typing it.

I wouldn’t mind having a rescuer right now, I feel like a mess! But, I don’t want or need anyone doing anything for me because they think I can’t do it. If they just want to, well, have at it then. I really want to be a team with somebody who can acknowledge that we both have essential rolls. He would say similar things like that. His values & principles are more align with mine than members of my own family. But then again, we were taught to see things through.

I really do try to follow the golden rule so I blame myself for acting on emotion when I know better. I made assumptions before I knew exactly what was going on & I hate it when it’s done to me. So I really did start it & I haven’t done anything to resolve it, neither has he. I did apologize though.

I guess I thought that the more time I spent with him, the desire would build up as his situation got better & he was able to get back to his usual self. He did have an awful lot dumped on him all at once & still tried to make sure that I always had a good time. I mean, people have married for reasons other than love & wound up growing on each other & made it work. Great, now I have more to think about, thanks! 🙂 Jkng!

In reality, I’ve spent many years living in this very small town waiting for “the one” believing the fairy tale that everybody has a soulmate out there. Now I’m close to 50 yrs old, have a hard time finding makeup that won’t settle in the fine lines on my face that’s now thinning, lost my cute body after a total hysterectomy, wasn’t that pretty to begin with(not downing myself, just being real & have other qualities so I’m good), my cooking is fair, I don’t like going out, I have to walk my dog in middle of the night so he doesn’t try to rip somebody’s face off, I have to raise my glasses & squint to read fine print, I don’t carry my phone around with me & don’t feel the need to even check it which seems to piss off everybody but I don’t care. I’m friendly but not bubbly & nobody in my family or among my friends seems to care & doesn’t want to hear about how congress is spending their money or police conducting cavity searches on the side of the road or the truth about the USS Liberty. Not only does he want to hear about it, he knows about it & actually enjoys my company.
Honestly, at this point in my life I’m terrified of being alone. As terrible as it makes me seem, even if I wasn’t crazy in love, I would be content with & take care of a man who can fix the roof & the car & wouldn’t hesitate to act if I was in trouble. I didn’t think I’d miss him this much. Weird

Thank you for your candor & pulling no punches.

[Author]

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