Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Thank you, reading this over, you are correct in taking things very very slow… its hard on my behalf as being a woman (and being very very new to dating) – this is my first proper relationship, so of course it is natural, that I want to spend a lot of time with him and enjoy the good moments… where as he, due to his entire life pattern of seeking external validation from woman, is at a stage where in his life, he wants to put that energy into himself, and Know and Love himself, and I would describe him – as David Deida phrases it – a Second Stage Man…
For example
“Second-stage needs are about self-improvement, authenticity, being in touch with your inner wisdom, and creating a Garden of Eden on earth. A second-stage man is interested in forming a 50/50 Relationship with his woman…
The Masculine force looks different depending on which type of need is most important to a man. For instance, a first-stage man is searching for freedom by trying to get something. Since his search is an effort to gain something, he is offended when someone asserts that he doesn’t have something, whether brains, bucks, or babes. The first-stage man is an acquisitional man. He sees freedom as something to get. He is a car mechanic dreaming of his own garage. He is a predator on wall street. He is a doctor with a Mercedes and a mistress. He is a man whose goal is somewhere outside of his body, outside of this moment, and he is going to get it. First-stage victory involves acquiring the sacred object–the cash, the car, the country–that is out there to be had. The first-stage man is a man of acquisition, of gain, and of enlarged self-image.A second-stage man looks quite different from a first-stage man. The second-stage man is not out to conquer his enemies; he is out to conquer his own limitations. He is not looking to gain more of something; he is looking to improve who he is. He doesn’t want more, he wants better. He seeks freedom by transforming himself and his world, not by overpowering and acquiring things and others.
The second-stage man battles his own demons and emerges victoriously whole, balanced, a hero of self-integration. If he is afraid of heights, he learns to sky-dive. If he is shy of intimacy, he uses therapy to help him grow beyond blocks he developed in childhood. He seeks to transform his self-understanding through the study of philosophy or esoteric spirituality. He wants to transform the outer world from a battleground into a Garden of Eden. Whereas the first-stage man tries to become a hero of acquisition, the second-stage man tries to be a hero of transformation.”
Getting back to this “Mature Masucline” very self aware guy, yes, he has been very open with communicating with me, why he said he’s not ready, and expressed his fears, even though he strongly desires me, and said I’m the first woman who has been consistent and wonderful. When I asked when did he check out from us, it was on the day we shared a really great time together, and it freaked him out, because I was checking all the boxes, and he said this was now a real relationship, happening very fast, and his mind was freaking out because he compared where it was going and comparing it to the last pattern of relationships, and he wants to keep his life simple and not complicated. SO in his mind, having a relationship would complicate things, where he needs to put the energy into himself and his healing… which I understood and told him, yes, he needs to make himself a priority.
So where it gets complicated between us, is he does have feelings/attraction but still holds anxiety and fears, from being fully open to love, and I am also don’t know how to exercise non – neediness but also Don’t want to be in a cycle with an emotionally unavailable man. I told him that its not a good idea right now to keep it casual and light and fun because he has his fears and walls up and we both need time apart to honour the commitment I made to myself (which is to be with a man who loves and respects me) and he needs to heal from his past exes etc. Which he agreed.
The pull of the chemistry is still there, so I guess what I am asking now is, how does Mr and I negotiate and come together to enjoy each other’s company, so that he can relax, and I also learn to take it slow without feeling rejected, when he needs his own space?? What boundaries should I express to him, so I’m not the girl he goes to just when it’s convenient for him??
PS
Have you read Anaiya Sophia – Sacred Sexual Union??I’ve found her books to be incredibly helpful pillar on the journey to knowing thyself, and entering into a deep relationship and the wounds that play out such as Abandonment, Betrayal, Separation, Denial and Judgement.
I recommend and from this experience is to feel fully into the emotion that comes up like Abandonment – like with what happened when he pulled away – and tying this into Jame’s Withdrawal book “If a man you’re interested in suddenly seems to go cold, it’s hard not to take it
personally, isn’t it?
It’s hard not to think: “What did I do?”
His behavior might even bring up thoughts of all the other men in your life who rejected
you. Men who claimed they loved you then disappeared … men you thought were
there for you no matter what, who vanished at the first crisis.
Suddenly you’re deep into feelings of abandonment, anger, and hurt. It’s almost as if
his behavior has triggered a chain reaction in your mind.”
