[Donna V]

Yeah needs work! Tried to have more of a serious conversation but in a bit of a lull at the moment – I’m being a little too patient I think.

[Donna V]

So finally doing dinner tomorrow night ~ And I’m trying to think out the things to say. Do I dare call out the fact that he’s now seemingly in retreat mode, as I seem to represent something negative to him now, I’m not making him happy because I’m a reminder of a bad thing he did? I’m upset that our situation is not the fun and happy place it used to be, and I do feel him pulling away – and I’m quite certain it’s because of those reasons. What are the chances that he can also see that in himself? How can I point this out without coming across accusatory?

[Donna V]

Hi Heidi,

Well that does speak to me a bit. It seems quite relevant – as it really does seem along the lines of sabotage. A friend observed that ‘he seems all confidence and chat, but obviously vulnerable and anxious on the inside’. As for me, I retreat into my bubble of low self esteem, questioning do I deserve this, do I deserve him, and confidence just drips into a puddle of self doubt.

Next steps? Not sure, we’d talked dinner, but he’s retreated a bit. Saw him briefly this past Wednesday and Thursday, but it’s been radio silence ever since, though he’d originally said he’d love to when I suggested it. Really I guess I just want an honest conversation. Something I realize is hard for both of us, but it’s a bit of a make or break moment.

[Donna V]

HI Kanya,
I have- it has been 6 weeks already. But I do agree that if he’s unwilling to talk about the situation, that is a huge red flag. If he’s not interested in working through things even though it’s ‘hard’ then I do have to ask myself if this is a person I can be with. Additionally, if there is no chance for a real future relationship – I don’t see a real chance for a friendship either.

[Donna V]

Yeah no this is interesting, I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t really like dealing with my emotions either! So we are a tricky pair. If anything is positive about this, it is the opportunity to truly open up – something I kind of think he is usually better at than me, except with the current situation.

I do see what you’re saying about this being a pattern, and a regular thing most likely – but it still feels a bit out of left field. He for sure has had lots of opportunity – and I of course always assumed he took it, which is part of the reason I was not interested in him for some time. But I was immensely surprised on some of our first flirtations, we did not hook up for awhile! He was more reserved than I was, (springtime, I get frisky) – so for him to just jump into something to relieve stress and pain doesn’t really seem his style. He seems more deliberate than that. Which is also even more of a problem perhaps – as I suspect this particular person was someone he’d been, as he’d say, friendly with before. Whether it was during or before things meshed a bit more with us is me being speculative. Also wonder if there’s a bit of pandemic playbook issues going on as well?? I mean it’s been such a weird time and we’ve all dealt, still dealing with it daily. Not that he needs excuses. But a little boredom and the need for a litte reinforcement to make you feel better about yourself- I don’t know.
I did confide in a good friend, who is also good friends with him – and she was also quite taken aback, she really didn’t think that was him either. But hey, maybe we are both wrong!
But I do feel next step is him having to truly face himself, and be honest with who he is. Per our last conversation I did suggest that now is great time for him to work on himself, and decide what person he wants to be. If he heard that, I’m not certain, as I think the shame is still quite a big factor.
All other things aside, per your comments as to who he is at his worst, he is honestly quite calm – he can get frustrated but he does call himself out as being frustrated. Just recently we had discussed the idea of trying to do dinner – but he cancelled, then called 2x later that night to apologize as he’d just had a really bad day, and just wanted to feel less stressed before trying to get together. And when things are rough, he typically just takes himself out on time out. He still has quite a bit of respect for his ex, and really I can’t think of him ever bad mouthing her – he just manages what she doles out on him, but just kind takes it, and never fights back.
But I do agree, if he’s not willing to be able to figure out a bit why, even if he can suggest that he’s embarrassed by his behavior, if we can’t have that conversation, then it’s a bit of a non-starter.

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