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Is there any difference in what you guys believe? So often I hear the term “unequally yoked” used for things other than the original meaning: Christians in relationships with non-Christians. It’s like the Bible makes it simple (same faith), but people make it hard (same financial situation, educational background, political affiliation, etc.). Besides, who wants to hear that you’re being rejected because you have too much going for you? It’s like not getting a job because you’re overqualified.
Hi, Karen,
I’m not one of the BeIrresistible moderators; I’m just another community member. I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this. I can imagine that those words would be really painful to hear from someone you’ve been seeing for over a year. I’ve heard a little bit about the Biblical concept of being equally yoked. Why do you feel that he says that about your relationship? What is the difference between you that he’s referring to?
Şadan broke up with me.
Remember how a few messages ago, I said I told him I needed space? We talked that night. Everything seemed fine again.
He called yesterday and asked if I still needed space. I said, “I think I’m ok now. I just find that when someone has constructive criticism for me, I automatically start explaining what I’m doing to work on whatever they have an issue with. Sometimes, I don’t stop to think about whether I want to do that or not. I feel so inclined to agree that I find myself agreeing before I even think about it.”
I said that because I was trying to explain that I’m not sure that I want to do the things he’s telling me to do about my family situation. But he took it as me saying that I feel like I have to tell him what he wants to hear or else. He said that he doesn’t operate that way and that it really hit home for him that we need to end it.
Quinten and I somewhat talked things out, and we hung out earlier today.
Kenya, thank you for answering so quickly. Şadan and I had our first date on 04/07 (we got together in the middle of the COVID-19 crisis, so we have no experience together before). On 04/11, he called me his girlfriend. By 04/13, I had broken up with him. To make a long story short, we had another discussion where I made myself really vulnerable, and he said something that hurt my feelings. Then when I told him how I felt, he was still insensitive. This was after he had done a few other rude things. (The full story can be found in the other forum. The name of the thread is “Help Please.”) When we broke up, I was so sad that I didn’t know how I would make it. I felt that my heart was being stabbed, crushed, and stomped on. When we were talking about me getting my stuff from his house, he said that I sounded sad about breaking up. The conversation started from there, and we got back together. I’m trying to learn from that experience and not hastily break up with him. That’s why I don’t want to say anything. I want to gather my things to be prepared and also communicate that losing me is a very real possibility. If I talk to him directly, I think that he’ll just find another reason that he has done nothing wrong.
About my parents, I just know that my mom is incredibly miserable. Their income will never be enough for them to move on their own. I wish I could afford to help them move and to move somewhere different myself. But as it stands, it would be hard enough for me to just move on my own. That’s why I was interested in buying a house that had a studio apartment or mother-in-law suite. This is very emotional for me and hard for me to deal with.
Twelve-step programs make me uncomfortable, but I see how going to one might be something I could do to pretend I’m moving in the direction Şadan and others want me to go in while I work on the practical aspects of doing things my own way. But something deep inside me objects to doing something just because people want to see me do it.
Asking Quinten if something is bothering him is a really good idea. I think that I’m going to do that.
Earlier today, Şadan and I started talking once again about my family situation, and I tried to explain why I handle things the way I do. I went through all the different boundaries I have set with my mom and how hard it has been. My goal was to help him understand why I feel that my current solution is the plan I want to stick with. When I got to the most hurtful part of my story and when I was feeling most vulnerable, he said, “I asked to hear about what you are doing now to improve your life. Present tense, not past.” I told him that I thought that was rude and he responded that I was too long-winded. I kept trying to be understood. He continued to respond in a stoic, dismissive tone.
When I reached my frustration point, I apologized for even trying and said that I should just keep everything to myself since the amount of explanation that it would take for him to understand just isn’t possible. His response? “Alternatively, you could deal with the problem.” At this point, I asked him what action it is that he’s looking for me to take. He had no suggestions. I was done with the conversation and just wrapped it up as best I could.
As I go through my day and I think about the situation, all I can think about is going to Şadan’s house, being as sweet as pie, and making sure I bring all my stuff home when I leave. When I’m there, I don’t intend to say much of anything (since he’s impossible to talk to anyway). Then, when I leave I can just stay silent. If he texts me, I want to respond with the shortest answer possible until the conversation just tapers off, and we never speak to each other again. He shows no sensitivity, even when we get to a point in the conversation when I am baring my soul, and I feel completely naked. If we can’t talk it out, and we can’t talk about anything else without him bringing it up, we don’t have anything else to say to one another.
Hi, Heidi, thank you for the quick response and for being so supportive when I got back with my boyfriend Şadan. We talked about that in the other forum.
Creating a plan to find a better environment is the ultimate goal. My obstacles are as follows:
- I live with my brother and sister-in-law. My brother dislikes me and complains about everything I do. Their shower is abominable, but my brother got angry when I tried to fix/clean it. His wife tells me that the rent I pay is a big help. Not being able to work to make my environment more comfortable is really hard for me though.
- My mom and dad live next door. I provide financial support to them too. They want to move desperately. My mom has talked about killing herself because she hates it so much. I tried to buy a house to make her happy, and I got approved for a mortgage and everything. But I was soooo stressed by the home-buying process that I was drinking to calm my anxiety when I needed to go look at houses. When my mom saw how stressed it was making me, she stopped talking about killing herself and said that we can call off the house search if it was going to be detrimental to my mental health.
- For the past two years, I lived in an apartment I couldn’t afford. I basically lived off of my credit cards, and I’m in a lot of debt as a result. I’m trying to prevent that from ever happening again. I paid off my car and several credit cards and moved in with my brother and sister-in-law, so now I finally have enough money to have a spending budget. I no longer have to put all my incidentals on credit cards, and I feel that I can finally breathe.
The homeownership quest was like a temporary break with reality. I don’t know why I thought that I could pursue that when I’m barely making it as it is. I just wanted my mom to be happy so badly that I was willing to do anything. Fortunately, I came to my senses. But because I almost took that step and ended up disappointing my mom once again, I feel that I can’t look for a way to move out of my brother’s house without also looking for a place for her.
My friend Quinten feels that I should buy a house and just cut off communication with my parents to prevent them from moving in. My boyfriend Şadan recognizes that that isn’t realistic, and he wants me to rent something. He also feels that my relationship with my parents needs to change.
We have gotten into arguments about that because I feel that I have found a solution (managing their finances for them so that they can’t waste their money), but he feels that my solution is just another problem. I disagree because at the end of the day, I’m not going to let my parents be homeless or have their lights cut off, so if their finances get that bad, I’m going to help. It’s not realistic, in my view, to think that I’m going to allow my parents to be without electricity or get evicted when I’m safe and sound in my own apartment. All that’s going to happen is that I’m going to either pay their past due bills or let them live with me. It may not be ideal, but it’s reality. So in my opinion, why allow them to waste their income and then ask me for the money that they should have spent on bills? I’m an authorized user for all of my parents’ accounts, and it’s easier and cheaper for me to log in and pay their bills before they waste anything. Then all I have to do for the rest of the month is make sure they have pocket change for gas, food, and medicine. To me, this is a wonderful solution and one that is working out quite well right now. But Şadan disagrees with it so much that it’s all he can talk about. The other day I was talking about funny videos on YouTube, and he said “These videos are normalizing your family situation, making you feel that you have a good family because they’re better than these people. This is bad for you because you should be getting out of that situation, not getting used to it.” It seems as if we can’t talk about anything without him tying it back to his perception that I should stop managing my parents’ finances.
I talked to a family member about feeling that Quinten is sick of me. She feels that he may be expecting more from me when I come over. It’s a thought. When I was thinking of breaking up with Şadan the first time, Quinten said, “I love you and I will be here to keep you company while you look for someone.” He has also invited me to take a nap with him. I see him go after women who are much skinnier than I am though, and to me, if he liked me, he wouldn’t mention other girls that he wants to pursue.
Right now, I’m just lost. I gave Quinten the cold shoulder this morning when he texted me about biking. I told Şadan that I want to stop texting until he gets off of work tonight so that I can have some space. I’m intentionally trying to just use my mom’s shower and not ask Quinten or Şadan if I can come over. I wish I could just fix the shower here! It would solve so many problems.
Hello, Heidi,
I am embarrassed to admit this, but we got back together. I have never gotten back with an ex before. I was in such emotional pain that I needed relief, and I was trying to make arrangements with him to get a few of my belongings back. In the conversation about getting my stuff back, he said that it sounded as if I was sad about breaking up. One thing led to another after that.
My friend Quinten is supportive, but he jokingly reminds me that the relationship is an issue. For example, I told Quinten that he apologized, and his response was “I’m sure that came straight from the bottom of his network.” Hahahahaha!
My mom lectures me about following in her footsteps.
My other family members don’t say anything, and I avoid talking to them about it. This is the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever done. I just couldn’t handle the pain of the breakup.
How are you supporting yourself at this time?
I’m just trying to keep up with routines:
-go to work
-work out
-sleepI do one or two things for fun:
-watch Star Trek
-hang out with co-workers when possibleWho is helping you feel good about your[self] these days?
-I have a friend who typically sees my side of things. If I ask him to remind me why that relationship sucked, he sends me a list. I
He also reminds me of the things I have to offer, and that makes me feel valuable.
-My boss is very kind to me. She says “you amaze me” every chance she gets.
-Facebook friends typically try to help when I seem sad.Thank you for taking the time to read my last message. Once again, I apologize for how long it was. I just couldn’t explain the state of mind I was in when I broke up with him without giving you the back story.
I appreciate your willingness to talk to me about withdrawing when people hurt me. I try to be very humble and open to constructive criticism. In this case, your characterization of the situation does not resonate with me. I am not playing a game. I’m communicating with people in a way that results in understanding.
When I answered your question affirmatively, I did so in an attempt to be self-reflective and truthful. I thought about how I might pull away in relationships in general, but I did not and do not agree that that is what happened in this case. In this case, I broke up with him because I was done. There was not a hidden motive to get him to come back begging for my forgiveness.
Hi, Heidi,
You asked how I feel about the decision now. I still feel that it was the right thing. The pole dancing (PD) incident was just the last straw. Before the conversation about PD, we had had a lot of problems. I just didn’t want to bog you down in details and make it hard for anyone to respond. Here is a little more info:
Underlying Issues
-I liked his profile years ago. At the time, it said he was a Christian (like me). I remember because I looked at it several times, trying to work up the courage to talk to him. When he finally reached out to me, he had become an atheist.
-After a wonderful first date, we talked on the phone. He asked more about what I was looking for. When I said that I wanted to get married at some point in the future, he stated that he did not. He asked me some questions about what I wanted out of a marriage (a big party? a title?), and those questions let me know that he felt marriage was silly. (He did not mention at this point that he was divorced. That conversation came up later.)
-When I stated that he believed he was psychic, that was a simplification to make the situation easier to understand. It boils down to that, but in his eyes, he’s doing psychology research on the body’s ability to discern needs and direct behavior. He believes the body has a network of nodes that can give us sensations letting us know what we should and should not do. How does he use that system? That brings me to my first story.Conflict One
We were talking about how difficult things are now that businesses have closed to stop the spread of COVID-19. I mentioned that I typically go to the salon to get my hair washed because it takes about two hours to wash at home. He decided to let me know that his “network” (psychic ability) was informing him that I simply don’t wash it often enough. This was a bit of a touchy subject because I’m black, and he’s white. My hair needs are completely different from his. Also, no one likes to be told that their personal grooming is insufficient, especially when that assertion comes from a psychic power that I don’t have access to. It wouldn’t be much different if a Christian were to say “The Lord told me that you aren’t washing your hair enough.” First of all, you just embarrassed and insulted me. Second, I feel shut down and defenseless because how can I argue with “The Lord said” or with “My network said”?In a similar fashion, any time I was hungry, “the network” told him that I actually just needed to drink water. We spent a day together once, and I showed him that I had eaten only 530 calories all day. His response was that “the network” was saying that my body wasn’t requesting anything, so I must be fine.
As we continued discussing “the network,” I wondered if it would always be an excuse to say insensitive things, tell me what to do, or insist that his way was always right. It was, which brings me to…
Conflict Two
-He sent me a list of all the benefits he had experienced as a result of exploring “the network.” Why don’t I just abbreviate it as “TN” from now on?
-One benefit of TN was the ability to detect cheating in his mate. The example listed was that one day, when he was at work and his ex-girlfriend was home hanging out with a male friend, TN informed him that his ex was experiencing a sexual need. Shortly after, TN informed him that the sexual need had been satisfied and that her attention was on the male friend when the sexual need was satisfied. This let him know that she was cheating.
-This opened up a conversation about other ways TN influences his relationships and sex life. He told me that he had once used TN to discover where a woman’s G-spot was but that he could not test where he felt it was. At that point, I knew he was talking about his best friend Miranda. I asked. He confirmed that it was Miranda. I asked him if he and Miranda had ever been intimate. He said, “No, but I can see that you have jealousy issues, and that’s concerning.”
-We got into an argument about him saying that I had jealousy issues. I felt that there was a healthy amount of jealousy anyone would feel if they had been told something like that. He felt that no amount of jealousy was healthy unless there was cause for concern.
-I explained why I felt there was a cause (his mention of finding Miranda’s G-spot; the massage setup he has in his home complete with oil, a kettle for heating water, and a spray bottle, paired with his admission that Miranda is the only person he massages; his defensiveness anytime I ask any questions about Miranda). I also explained that I should be able to ask questions if I felt there was a cause without being accused of having jealousy issues just because I asked.
-That conversation ended with him asserting that as he explores the abilities of TN, he tries to discern anything and everything, including where his best friend’s G-spot is. This was another example of how TN always makes him right.Conflict Three
-Early on the day we broke up, I was going through a list of things I needed to do before coming over. I mentioned that I was going to go get my tire fixed, and I asked if he wanted me to save that until later so that we could take that little drive together.
-He said that he didn’t want to leave the house unless he absolutely had to because TN was performing “rebuilds” and inhibiting his cognitive function. I said, “Ok!”
-He continued to tell me how mentally exhausted he was because of what TN was doing. I said, “Are you sure you want me to come over then? We can wait until next Tuesday if you need the extra rest.”
-His exact words were: “It might be a good idea to wait. I would like to see you, but I wouldn’t be very entertaining for company right now.”
-I agreed to wait until next Tuesday.
-In a few hours, he sent me a long message, complaining that he was going to have to get up after all because Miranda needed him to bring her some money.
-I felt slighted, but I didn’t argue. I just said “Well, you mentioned that you haven’t been able to see her much lately because of her new boyfriend. At least by doing her this favor, you get the opportunity to see her.”
-He agreed. Nothing else happened…for the moment.
-Later, he asked how I had slept (I took a nap mid-afternoon.) We made small talk. He talked about the conclusion of what TN was doing earlier that day. I already knew that he was expecting me to volunteer to come over now that TN was out of the way. I didn’t want to do that because I didn’t feel a need to keep my schedule open after he canceled earlier in the day. I felt that it would communicate the wrong message. I changed the subject and mentioned how much I worked out that day. This is how the PD discussion started.
-He asked about my workouts. I sent a picture. He responded that Miranda pole dances also. I felt deflated. I was expecting him to be impressed. He wasn’t, and that was disappointing. The disappointment was made worse by him telling me that, of all people, Miranda does PD also. You asked if the PD discussion had greater significance to me. I felt that it was another instance of Miranda being the center of his attention. Anything that I do or could hope to do, Miranda has already done.
-The main issue was not his response at the moment I showed him the picture. It was how he responded after I told him how I felt. It went like this…The Final Conversation
-Me: PD picture
-Him: Nice. Miranda used to take a pole dancing class, and wants to again. She would probably also say she sucks
-Me: Would you please delete that picture?
-Him: Why? I like it. Are you embarrassed of it?
-Me: I don’t like to talk about pole dancing. Even at this very moment, I’m sorry I told you. It’s a good thing I started feeling this way before I sent other pictures or videos.
-Him: Removed
-Me: Thank you. I’ll try not to mention my workouts to you ever again. If I need to work out or if I’m headed to a class, I will just say I have something to do and not give further explanation.
-Him: if it makes you feel that bad about yourself, why do that particular workout?
-Me: It doesn’t make me feel bad about myself. It makes me feel great. I just don’t like the reactions I receive when I talk about it.
-Him: what reaction did I give that you didn’t like?
-Me: I’m not ready to talk about it.
-Him: You’re the only one I’ve told about Miranda, and Miranda doesn’t care if I tell anyone. I don’t go around talking about people.
-Me: Please do not share it even with her.
-Him: I told you, I do not go around telling people about other people.
-Me: This is making me want to cry. Is there anything else we can talk about? I am so, so, so sorry I told you.
-Him: I see. You know I’m not going to tell anyone, you know I don’t judge you, and you know I’m proud of you for doing such a healthy core exercise regularly, but you’re still sorry that you told me.
-Me: Yes, I’m humiliated at this point.
-Him: What did you think earlier today when I wasn’t able to take you out driving?
-Me: What did I think?
-Him: yes
-Me: Are you asking if I was angry? Were you trying to make me angry?
-Him: No, I was trying to see if you just wanted me to entertain you or if you cared about seeing me regardless. That’s why I specifically said that I wouldn’t be very entertaining. I wouldn’t have been, but I could have let you find that out when you got here
-Me: Well, I took that to mean that I would have been a nuisance to you. I didn’t realize I was being tested.
-Him: I said nothing about you being a nuisance to me. You would have been a comfort. I was trying to see if you cared. you weren’t being tested. I wanted to know if you cared, so I gave you an opportunity to care
-Me: Sadan, are you trying to pick a fight with me?
-Him: no, this isn’t a fight. I asked why you chose to stay home instead of come over when I would have been boring. It’s a question, not a fight.
-Me: I’m in a really emotional state because I over shared.
-Him: you didn’t over share anything. Your sharing was fine and nothing went wrong or will go wrong because of it though this particular reaction is a bit concerning
-Me: It did go wrong.
-Him: how? In what way?
-Me: It’s very hard for me to put into words. This is so hard. I will tell you, but please just delete all of these messages.It makes me feel good about myself. I expect people to be very impressed. They never are. They usually say, “Oh, yeah, _____ does that too.” And then I feel squashed and promise myself that I’m never telling anyone ever again. I expected our sexual connection to keep you from responding that way. The fact that we are sexual partners made it seem that you might be intrigued sexually even if others are typically not. I felt really embarrassed that you responded in the way that I hate the most. I will no longer expect any other reaction from anyone. I will literally NEVER tell anyone again no matter how sexy or proud of myself I feel. This hurts worse than any other time that this has happened, so I will definitely remember this lesson.
I feel as if I just put on sexy lingerie in an attempt to surprise you and you responded, “Oh, yeah! My mom has some like that! Good buy!”
Since it was already very hard for me to share, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do not tell me why you didn’t mean it that way. I just want you to understand that that is how I felt and that it hurt. Hearing how you meant it isn’t going to help. I ALREADY know that you didn’t mean it that way. It hurts anyway.
-Him: I did mean it that way. I’m not attracted to pole dancing. I’m attracted to you. That’s an exercise and the exercise is good. That’s about it.You had expectations about what I would do. That’s a pretty good way to get disappointed. You know I have no interest in strip clubs. It was a pretty good bet that I wouldn’t respond all hubba hubba about the dancing.
And of course all guys are going to respond that way. That’s the polite way to respond in this culture. Responding any other way would be derided in most contexts, so guys aren’t going to respond that way, if they’re smart enough.
[At this point, I’m emotionally exhausted. I’m hurt. I’m upset about what happened earlier in the day. I already know that the underlying issues of our difference in faith, desires for the future, and communication styles are going to make this relationship impossible anyway. Why put myself through any more heartache when he clearly CANNOT empathize or apologize EVER?]
-Me: Ok. I’m not going to get over this.
-Him: I’m aware
-Me: Let’s just go our separate ways.[We talked a little more, including a phone conversation. He said that I was more interested in “him driving me around” than spending time with him when he wasn’t doing well and that since he wasn’t able to “entertain me,” I wasn’t interested in hanging out at all. I explained that it wasn’t that way. He insisted. I tried to talk to him about him turning things around on me and accusing me of things any time he doesn’t get what he wants or any time I ask too many questions. He kept justifying his behavior by talking about the network and by saying that he did certain things on purpose to see how I would react.]
Conclusion
Sorry for the long response. I just couldn’t explain my state of mind when I ended it without giving you the back story.You asked why the PD comment was something I couldn’t get over. I was **very** emotionally raw at the point when I broke down and told him how I felt about it. I had to pull down a lot of my defenses just to open up that much. The way he responded felt as if salt was being poured into a wound.
Do I pull away when I get hurt? Yes. In my life, I have opened up many times just to have the other person not care about my feelings and keep doing exactly what I said hurts me. I have learned that if I pull away, people who care eventually come looking for me. When they ask for an explanation of why I have been so distant, I can tell them how I feel, and they are 100% receptive. But if I had just told them directly, I would have gotten a completely different reaction. People who don’t care don’t come looking for me. I still win because at least that person is out of my life at that point, and I have avoided the heartache of telling them how I feel just to be shut down.
Another thing that plays a part is my parent’s’ relationship. My dad was a drug addict for many years. He lacks social skills, cannot empathize, and is a selfish, childish individual. My mom is always hurt by his behavior and shocked by the awful things he does. When she is hurt and shocked, I think, “Why would you expect anything different?” I think that because he has shown her time and time again that he cannot empathize. She tries to explain things to him. She tries to prove different points. Nothing works because he simply isn’t capable of what she’s expecting. So in my relationships, I look for signs that someone isn’t capable of meeting my needs. In the case of my now-ex-boyfriend Sadan, all of what I wrote above showed me that he isn’t capable of admitting that he’s wrong or even admitting that he has room to improve. You asked how I feel about the decision now. I’m sad that it didn’t work out, but I feel that I did the right thing.
Update: I ended it.
I showed him some of my pole dancing pictures (one of my hobbies). He told me that his female best friend also takes pole classes. I was embarrassed that I told him at that point. When he asked why, I explained that it was kind of like me putting on sexy lingerie to impress him and having him say “Awesome. My mom has some like that.” At the end of me pouring out my heart about why that hurt, I said “Please don’t try to tell me what you meant. I know you didn’t mean it like that. It just hurt my feelings anyway.” His response was “I did mean it like that. I’m not attracted to pole dancing. I’m attracted to you.” After he was really insensitive about that, it was the final straw. I didn’t even hesitate. I said, “I’m not going to get over this.”
He said, “I’m aware.”
I said, “Let’s just go our separate ways.”
Right now, I work for a bank. I answer phone calls and messages that our members send in online. My feelings about the job are tainted by how I got there:
-I was raised to believe I was supposed to become a doctor. I worked hard in school and got lots of college scholarships.
-I got to college and realized that I didn’t want to be a doctor. Taking college science classes, I was confronted for the first time by what it would actually be like to pursue medicine as a career. It wasn’t for me, but I didn’t know what was for me.
-I was under a lot of pressure, so I didn’t take a break from college to figure out what I wanted or go to a university with a wider range of majors. My parents depended on my financial aid to pay their bills. The church I was going to wanted a college ministry, and they expected me to build it.
-Because of the pressure, I kept taking classes without any real direction or plan. To avoid maxing out on financial aid, I had to just pick something to be my major. I chose education because it would let me use a lot of the math classes I had taken even though I didn’t really want to be a teacher.
-I continued going to school b/c it was what I was raised to do & b/c the church wanted me to. I worked long and hard for that church. It was an environment that many would consider a cult. My entire identity was wrapped up in what the church wanted. The pastors had more power over me than my parents. In the end, several traumatic experiences showed me that the church wasn’t what I thought and left me burned out & unable to contribute. At that point, the church threw me away. The pastor publicly scolded me for dating someone outside the church, someone of whom he had not approved. He said that I had a spirit of sexual perversion, and since people in the church believed that you could “catch” evil spirits by even touching someone who had one, I became a pariah there.
-When I finally stopped going to the church, I had lost my entire identity. I was so shaken that I couldn’t even speak. I avoided people and spoke as little as possible for almost a year.
-Meanwhile, I finished the education degree & became a teacher’s aide and then a teacher. It was another horrible experience where I was used up like toilet paper and thrown away. I worked for a private school that had no governing board to prevent it from abusing teachers. Before hiring me, they told me I would be the middle school math teacher (6th-8th grades). After I signed a contract, it all changed. I actually had to teach math, science, and Spanish to 5th-8th grades. There was more wrong with the situation including being screamed at by other teachers, blamed for things that happened in other teachers’ classes, harassed by students (sexually and otherwise), etc. In the end, they said I wasn’t a “fit” for the school and fired me. I couldn’t even finish the year.
-That’s how I started working at the bank. It’s a very mentally taxing job. My oldest brother was murdered in my first year working there. My heart and mind both broke at that point, making it very difficult to get promoted or find a different job.I don’t feel amazing about the job I do because I feel backed into a corner. I’ve been hurt in so many ways that I’m too beaten up to try anymore. I would like to do something else, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t have a purpose, a passion, a goal. The only thing I know that I want is a relationship. But I can’t sell myself as a potential mate when I don’t have a self.
You asked if my mom has been trying to help me find a career for a while. For years, she has been on a job search for me. I can’t really remember when it started. She keeps track of the job postings at my job and tells me things she would like me to apply for. She scours Craigslist for people I can tutor, schools who want teachers, etc. It doesn’t matter what job I have, she is always looking for another one for me. She has books she wants me to write, foundations she wants me to build, businesses she wants me to start…
I have tried therapy. I’ve actually been through years of therapy. I’m not sure that it helps, but I do have an appointment on Friday. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Hello, Heidi,
Thank you for your message. I feel better about myself than I did when I wrote my first message. I do feel a little depressed about other things lately. I’m experiencing a lack of purpose, and I don’t really want to get out of bed. I’ve stopped going to work, and I don’t really know how to pick myself up.
One of the things that got me down was watching YouTube videos with my mom. She is always trying to help me figure out a career path that may be better for me. One day, she started pulling up videos on what it would take for me to become an accountant. We stumbled upon a YouTube channel produced by an extremely beautiful lady who just passed the CPA exam. Her boyfriend is also an accountant. They were so happy together and full of direction and purpose that it made me really sad. I would love to have a purpose and a career I love. I would like a boyfriend. But men want to see that you have it together already and that you’re sure of yourself. I’m really having trouble overcoming that hurdle.
