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Hi, Rocio,
I’m not a moderator, but I just wanted to say that you were 100% on target in that message you wrote him. For too long, he has been reaping the benefits of being with you without putting in the work. One day he will realize what an awesome woman he missed out on. He will do that in the short term (the next time he wants your attention) and in the long term (when he finally matures). You deserve so much better. From what I can tell, you’re giving, patient, insightful, caring, and sexy. There’s someone out there who will appreciate those qualities in you.
I guess the answer to that question presents me with an opportunity for self-improvement. I don’t want to let him go for two reasons, one of which I’m not very proud of:
- When I see that someone is not a true friend to me, I usually distance myself from them quietly, without making a big statement that ends the friendship. I do this to avoid burning bridges that I may need in the future.
- The reason that I’m less proud of is that I don’t want the gut-wrenching pain that I felt when things first fell apart with him to return. Over the past few days, I have been feeling empowered by telling myself that Trent still wants to be friends with me while I am keeping him at a distance. I don’t want to face the fact that he rejected me and that in his eyes, I’m not good enough for him. That’s a very painful thing to come to terms with. In the back of my mind, I’m hoping to find someone else before the pain comes back again.
An experience I had yesterday has really opened my eyes and given me an idea of what I want. Trent texted me to see if I still wanted to go to New Orleans (something we planned when things were still going well). I said that I didn’t know and that I would like to be friends but am unsure what that would look like. We came up with the idea to do a “trial run” to see how things would go if we just tried to hang out again. The plan was to go to a park and then cook dinner together.
Things didn’t go according to plan. He lives 40 minutes away (with his brother) and has no car. I went to meet him at his house and brought along the ingredients we would need for dinner. I got there, but he didn’t answer the phone or the doorbell. I waited for about 15 minutes and sent him a text: “I’m here, but you’re not answering. I’m going to wait ten more minutes and just go home.” Two minutes before the deadline, I saw that he had read my message. I called. He answered. He apologized and said that he fell asleep while he was waiting. He said that he felt very ill and asked if we could reschedule.
Although it doesn’t sound as if it would be, that experience was a blessing. While I was waiting, I asked myself why I was putting myself through this trouble, and I thought, “Well, he may be hard to hangout with sometimes, but his presence is usually worth it.” Then my wiser sense of consciousness screamed, “NO! This guy has nothing to offer you! This is NOT worth it!” I’m not the type of person to judge a man by how much money he has, but foolishness can run me away. And a guy with no house, no car, and barely a job should be treating me like a queen. Even if he just wanted to use me for free food, a ride to whatever job he decides to get, and sex, he should be pretending that I’m the apple of his eye. A guy who doesn’t have sense enough to see what I have to offer when he has nothing to offer can’t be very smart.
As far as boundaries go, I am willing to hang out with Trent if there is a completely fair way for us to have fun together. I’m not driving to him; he’ll have to borrow his brother’s car and meet me somewhere. We would each pay for our own food. We would hang out for an hour or two and leave. That’s it. And anytime I think about getting together with him, I’m going to ask myself “What am I getting out of this?”
In the meantime, I’m continuing to look for guys who value me. I’m smart and talented in numerous ways and sexy and generous and kind and fun to be around. Anybody who doesn’t see that is focused on the wrong things in life or is too immature to be a good friend to me anyway!
I just want to say how much I appreciate this service. My real-life friends are so tired of hearing my heartaches, and I’m tired of telling them about the relationship pain I’m in. This service helps me to have a bit of dignity. It gives me an outlet to talk about stuff like this without having to annoy anyone. All my love, Candace
Thank you for the quick response, Heidi. I feel that I can always count on you and Kanya when I need a kind word.
He did directly say that he doesn’t have romantic feelings for me. It went like this:
-Me: The way you treated me made it seem as if you really cared about me.
-Trent: I do really care about you.
-Me: But not in a romantic way?
-Trent: No, I’m so sorry.As far as his background goes, he’s white with no ties to a specific country in Europe. I’m black. When he talks about past relationships, he often talks about friendships with people who wanted more with him than he did. At one point, he mentioned a girl named Amanda who was “crazy about him.” He said, “You don’t try to lock things down. I appreciate that. She was the type to have to have to lock it down in the very beginning.” I discussed this with him and told him that drawing comparisons like that is one of the things that made me feel that he was interested in me and that expressing an unwillingness to “lock it down” made it seem as if a define-the-relationship conversation would turn him off. I got the idea that he was looking for someone who could gauge the nature of the relationship without being hung up on the triviality of being Facebook-official or having a title. He also talked about a guy who had a big crush on him, a guy who idolized him. He shared his faith with the guy (Zach), baptized him, and taught him about Christian living. Trent said that this was the reason he didn’t want to abandon Zach when he (1) asked for Trent to cuddle with him while they were traveling, (2) tried to touch Trent’s penis while he was sleeping, and (3) started a fake dating profile and had sexual conversations with Trent while pretending to be a girl. At first, I thought it was honorable for Trent to be able to forgive those things. Now, I think that he just likes to be idolized. When it comes to Amanda, I believed him when he said that he just “didn’t stop her” when she tried to walk arm-in-arm with her and that he was just nice to her, not flirtatious. Now I see things from a different perspective. I see how Trent may have a pattern of leading people on, pulling back, and then saying “I still want to be friends.” Then, the other person, who is now addicted to his intense level of care and attention, agrees to be friends so that Trent can flatter himself by teasing them with the hope of something more. I don’t want to fall into that trap. I’m praying for God to help me cope with the pain I’m in, to heal me quickly, and then to bring me the person who is truly meant for me.
Well, here I am again in need of a friend. A guy I thought I had a lot in common with just told me that he doesn’t have feelings for me at all.
We started out having casual sex, and then we talked about being actual friends. Next, I started spending every weekend at his house, and he let me know he wanted to hear from me more often. He invited me on a cruise with his family this November. He invited me to go to Romania with him next summer. We talked about going to China together. One day, we were talking about family and as I was about to ask a question, he interrupted to say “I would be a great dad. I’m not sure that that’s what you were about to ask, but I’m just saying.” We held hands. He kissed me at random times, and not in a sexual way, just in an affectionate way. There were two times when I got upset about traumatic experiences in my past, and he dropped everything to hold me and tell me it was all ok. He kept doing that until I felt better. One day, in one of his text messages, he said, “We have a great connection and relationship.” He always spoke using the word “we.” If he mentioned another woman, he went out of his way to say how old the connection was. He constantly let me know that he wasn’t seeing other people.
We were driving in the car the day before yesterday, and he mentioned a girl we had talked about before, a girl he said things were completely over with. He said, “I was thinking in the shower this morning that when I go back to Romania [where she lives] that I won’t even contact her. I’m going to just completely let it go.” I was shocked and hurt because he told me he let it go a long time ago. Since at this point, I was thinking we were in a relationship, I got the idea that I was just a substitute until his dream girl changed her mind. The next day, I told him how he made me feel. He said that he thought the casual sex thing was communicated clearly from the beginning and that even when we had a conversation about becoming real friends, we didn’t talk about it being more. He thought we were just friends with benefits. He wants to stay friends, but “with a different understanding.”
I’m so hurt that I don’t know what to do. The way he treated me made me so sure that we had something special that I didn’t even feel it was necessary to have a big conversation about him becoming my Facebook-official boyfriend. He treated me better than any man ever has. I just can’t believe it.
Hi, Kanya,
Thank you for the quick response. I will probably see the move as positive at some point, but I don’t think it will be less stressful. To make a long story short, it’s very hard to sleep and rest and have peace living with my parents because they fight almost non-stop. If they’re not fighting, they’re asking for help with something: technology, basic literacy tasks, phone calls, errands, rides to appointments, etc. I work at night and sleep in the day, and it’s almost impossible to sleep there because they need so much. They are much kinder though. I think that living with parents is very embarrassing when you’re dating though. Maybe you could speak to how to handle that in conversation with guys.
As far as seeing this as a step forward goes, I’m going to have to. I have nowhere else to go right now.
I see two therapists because my depression escalated to the point where I had to stop working and go on disability. At that point, I wasn’t seeing any therapist, and I did my best to get back on the schedule at the office I was established with and to start seeing any therapist if I couldn’t get into that office soon enough. When I ended up with two appointments, I didn’t cancel the second one because of how adamant my mom was that the treatment I was already receiving wasn’t helpful (as evidenced by my being out on disability).
My response to your question about my previous therapists’ discussion of boundaries, developmental pacing, attraction to self-involved men is “yes,” “yes,” and “no,” respectively. I believe that we haven’t talked about the third item because I do a good job at moving on when I realize that someone isn’t good for me. We have talked about why I attract people who want to change me. I’m still figuring out how to fix that.
Thank you again. I can always count on encouragement from you and Heidi.
Candace
More important than the last post: my brother basically just kicked me out. Right now, I’m preparing what will be my room at my mom’s place. My mom had already been trying to get the room ready because my niece will be in town for the summer, but we thought we had a month to get ready. My brother just let me know that he wants it done now.
I am sharing this here because I don’t know who else to tell. I have a bit of a heartache, and I think you guys specialize in those.
I see two therapists. When I tell them about my relationship woes, they tell me not to be too hard on myself and that many people who date online experience the same things. As far as family goes, the therapist’s opinion can typically be predicted by my living situation. If I am currently living with my parents, they tell me to move out. That’s all they focus on. Move, move, move, move, move. If I don’t live with my parents, they say not to be too hard on myself. For example, the issues I have living with my brother are influenced by his perception that I was treated with more care than he was when we were growing up, so the therapist will tell me not to be too hard on myself because there isn’t anything I can do about our upbringing and because I am not the one with whom my brother is truly angry. Now, Şadan felt about my brother the way that therapists typically feel about my mother. His opinion was that I should move, and that’s all he was able to see. The takeaway that I get from all of it is that people are always going to have an opinion about where you should live. Very often, if you follow other people’s opinions, you’ll end up doing something that doesn’t actually work for you. I had my own apartment for two years, and I faced no criticism about living with anyone. But who was there for me when I was depressed and lonely and drowning financially? Not the people who were so opinionated about my need to move.
So this is where the conversation gets uncomfortable. You suggested that I see a therapist or coach. Usually, when someone does so, I just end the conversation, thinking “Well, I already see a therapist.” But I think that this forum is a safe place for me to try something different. So I want to ask what it is that you feel I could gain from a therapist as it relates to the situation I’ve described. What is it that I’m lacking that causes people to suggest that?
On another note, I started this thread with concerns about my friends seeming to be sick of me taking showers at their houses. Now I’ve come up with a different hypothesis. Today, Quinten called me to see when I would be arriving at his house for a team outing we have for work. (He planned this outing.) The plan was to meet at his house at 10. He called at 8 to see when I would be there and to ask if I want to get Whataburger with him. He did not want to get Whataburger with the rest of the group, and he also wanted to take a nap. That meant that he wanted me to bring Whataburger to his house for us to eat before everyone got there. I was ok with that. He texted me to check my progress. I had not yet made it to my mom’s house to take my shower yet. He was upset that I was that far behind. I told him that I could speed things up by just coming immediately and taking my shower at his house. He agreed. Four minutes later, he texted me to say that he didn’t think I could do all of that in such a short time and that I should just go to my mom’s house to take my shower after all. I told him that I was turning back and that I didn’t want to go to the outing anymore. My new hypothesis is that Quinten just doesn’t want to do anything that inconveniences him. If he has to give back to the other person involved (even if he’s just doing it to make what he wants possible), he changes the plan.
Thinking back over everything, it makes a lot more sense now:
- I started coming to his house because he invited me to hang out him and a girl he didn’t like. He didn’t want to hang out with her alone.
- When I think about all that we have watched on TV, I can recall 12 selections that he chose and 2 that I chose.
- He wanted us to start biking together. We live about 30 minutes apart (driving, not biking), but that’s ok because he owns a truck. He was not willing to use his truck to drive his bike to my neighborhood so that we could ride here or pick me and my bike up so that we could ride in his neighborhood. The biking plan would be possible only if I were to purchase a bike rack and transport my bike back and forth. (I thanked him for the suggestion and never brought up biking again. Any time he mentions it, I ignore him.)
If it’s not convenient for him, it doesn’t happen. Now I don’t feel bad for possibly annoying him. I’m grateful that I saw his true colors.
My pleasure, Karen! If you want to be friends, you can send me a message on Instagram. I’m @grammariancici.
I think of it from a completely different angle. Instead of the idea that no one understands being something that dominates my life because it is what I have been telling myself, I think that I am seeing reality and dealing with it rather than remaining miserable by trying to get people to understand something that they are not going to. It’s already hard enough to live my life. Why have I been wasting my time trying to explain my life?
Answers to your specific questions:
- It does feel that I can’t make choices. I guess I just feel afraid to take a stand because I might regret it later.
- I feel as if I live in therapy. I have been seeing a therapist for a really long time. Right now, I’m seeing two.
- Yes, I’m sure it does seem that I’m complaining about something I’m not willing to fix. This makes me feel misunderstood, but oh well. No one understands, and that’s just something I need to get used to. I need to go back to the days when I didn’t talk to anyone.
Resolutions:
- Run from these dealbreakers: non-Christian, anti-marriage, pro-drugs
- Don’t say a word about my family. If I’m in a guy’s presence, and I’m stressed about the text messages I’m receiving from my family, say “Somebody I know has a problem. Give me a second to get them off my back.”
- Stay ready to say “Oh, ok. Well, it doesn’t seem as if we’re a match, but it was nice meeting you.” I may as well just end it with guys left and right since it never works out anyway. I have been trying to find a lasting relationship for so long that even if I were to find someone now, I feel that it would be too little, too late. At this point, I don’t even have any friends to invite to my wedding.
I just pray that God would remove from me the desire to get married. I do not understand why things are the way they are. I do not have the words to express my despair any further, so I am giving up on writing this response as well.
I’m ok. I feel a lot better than I did when I broke up with him. I’m reflecting on what that means. Do I not feel that I have the right to make a choice? Why do I feel more comfortable with him breaking up with me than with me breaking up with him? Or was I just so upset before because I hadn’t really given it a good try?
I don’t know if he was looking for a way to end it. He’s such a jerk that it’s hard to care what he thinks. I think that it was very silly for him to say that he doesn’t want someone who just tells him what he wants to hear while his behavior (lecturing, expressions of disgust, etc.) punishes people for not telling him what he wants to hear. I think about him and the boyfriend before him like a food that I have eaten too much of. Imagine eating pizza every day for three months. You eventually reach a point where you can’t even think about pizza without feeling nauseated. When I think about the last two guys I dated, I have no idea why I liked them —- other than that they seemed (at first) to like me.
I feel afraid of the pain that may be coming more than I feel pain. It’s hard to know how to move on from a breakup. Starting another relationship in a week feels wrong, but I don’t want to believe that there is a required number of days of suffering I need to go through before getting back out there. But do I want to get back out there? One of the things I’m dreading is the pain that comes from looking. I hate swiping through profiles. I hate thinking about what I need to do to be more attractive. I am sooooo ready to stop wanting a relationship. I’m really, really, really, really tired of it all. I’ve read so many relationship advice books that I can’t stand to start another —- even though I feel that I need to sort out some of the pain and decreased self-esteem that has come from some of those books.
Questions
- In the future, should I end things as soon as I see something that’s a dealbreaker (major difference in values, lack of interest in marriage, drug use, etc.)? Maybe I should just say “Oh, I totally get that. I don’t think we’re going to be a match, but it was nice meeting you.”
- Should I stop talking about my family altogether? Our main point of contention was all I do for my family. That has also been something that has come between me and all my other friends and boyfriends. I’ve tried to be receptive to feedback and assertive/firm in my ability to stand up for the things I’m not open to changing, but it’s hard to do both. I’m thinking that being receptive to feedback is doing more harm than good. After all, I don’t see a point in arguing with people, so I A just listen and end the conversation. I think my silence gives them the impression that I agree. Then they get frustrated when I don’t take their advice. If I stop talking about my family, how will I cope on my own when they stress me out?
Any opinions you have are welcome.
Well, Karen, you seem like a person who really values things that are positive and virtuous. I think you deserve credit for the work you’ve done even if he was a contributor too.
I really empathize with you. I know exactly how it feels for so many things about a relationship to click that it seems as if it’s a perfect match —- all for the other person to feel the opposite. I’ll keep this brief because this thread is about you, but I once had an experience with a guy who seemed perfect for me. There were lots of little “coincidences” that, to me, seemed like signs from above. I just couldn’t understand why he didn’t want a relationship when it was clear that I was the woman for him. In the end, I let it go, and when I feel sad about it (as I still do from time to time), I tell myself that I’m not second-class in God’s eyes. There’s no way that the man He wants me to be with would be someone who doesn’t see my value.
I think that all the amazing qualities you have developed will just add to the value other men see in you.
