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So- just for more information. I got my answer today. I reached out to him utilizing some of the text message magic and curiosity phrases. He finally agreed to video chat when I posed it as a tool if we are even compatible to be friends and then he just HAD to tell me, ya know, to be level with me and upfront, that he’s been talking to someone for 4 days and wants to see where it goes with this person…..4 days ago is when he sent the text about how he’s “bothered” we cant even be friends.
So after reading this admission, I said, so are you only ok video chatting with me NOW bc you’re talking to someone else? I was fuming when I read this. Why all of a sudden now is he cool with being on a video chat? Then he’s like im happy you reached out and happy to hear from you. Sorry about the circumstances. It is what it is. Im still very glad i met you and you never know how life ends up but i have to see where this person might go and then he was like im sorry. I didnt mean to hurt you twice. Please believe that and i dont mean it cocky but the timing is all off.
So I said LOL, im not hurt. I said i was disappointed a month ago when i told him i didnt think we were compatible but said I dont him well enough to be hurt by him. Then i said no such thing as bad timing. Just not the right person. Then once again, I told him hope everything works out for him and to take care. He was like go ahead- stick the knife in and twist. He said Not true with not the right person. Just the way the cards fell for now. And then this next sentence was odd: Said Things have a weird way of coming around. Whats meant to be will be. Then I just said a final goodnight and he said goodnight and then put a kissy emoji and said Muah….. UGH!
So….recon. I said let’s be friends and do a video chat. He said OK but btw, Im talking to someone new and I want to see it through. Talk about twisting knives. Then further down, he’s alluding that “things have a weird way of coming around and whats meant to be will be? What does that even mean? Seemed like a breadcrumb to keep me hanging around in case he changes his mind. Reject me once, shame on you. Reject me twice, shame on me. Stick around to be rejected 3 times??? Not this girl.
Asked my question. Got my answer and then some more answers after that. I’m done. Not worth taking up anymore of my time or anyone else’s.
I think, at this point, with someone I would be with romantically, all would be deal breakers. What’s the problem with video chatting? Outbursts and accusations are borderline, if not outright, verbal abuse. And him being unsure about me? Tells me he doesn’t know what he wants. I’m not waiting around for him to realize he doesn’t want me.
A month ago, when I told him we were just pandemic penpals because of his lack of moving things forward was me saying, enough is enough, and if he isn’t sure about me or whatever, what are we doing? Obviously we’re not compatible.
I wasn’t happy about sending that text Bc despite all these awful incidents that may have been results of the current climate of our life, I didn’t think he was a jerk all of the time. And I enjoyed the texting and calls. I’m not gonna lie and say I don’t miss the attention. I do! And I feel guilty and pathetic admitting that but screw it. I miss it! I can’t miss him Bc I don’t know him. Right now, he’s like a character in a book. He’s fictional. He’s just an internet guy. And yes, even still, I miss the attention from that proverbial fictional internet guy in a story. 😩
His personality is close to all the men in my family (which isn’t a great thing but at the same time, I know how to handle that kind of jerkiness)(and it’s probably also why I’m attracted to him Bc it’s familiar even if it’s unhealthy).
So, at this point, if I entertain the friendship notion, I have nothing to lose by requesting a FaceTime. If he says no to that or ignores, that’s it. If he wants my time and attention, he needs to FaceTime with me. That’s his ticket to be admitted into my life again. If he doesn’t FaceTime, it tells me he’s full of crap and doesn’t really want to be in my life. He just wants “Anyone” and I’m not just “Anyone”. I’m me. And I deserve someone who wants to put in the effort to see/be/talk with me. And accepts me for who I am without trying to change me……….oh. 💡 😂
Did I just answer my own question?? 😁Hi Kanya,
Thanks for the welcome and response! 🙂His emotional intelligence is higher than most men I’ve dealt with. We are actually very similar in many ways. I guess I allowed myself to feel prematurely safe around him because of that.
For most of the disagreements we had, when I told him it bothered me, he apologized. Usually the incidents would happen over text but then we’d jump on a call and get it resolved within the first couple minutes of the phone call.
He didn’t talk about his feelings openly-said he was guarded and didn’t communicate feelings well- but I know he was stressed Bc he was worried about his mom catching covid and dying. His dad passed away a few years ago. He was probably also stressed Bc of his job and as an single in the pandemic, there is that extra layer of Loneliness.
My concerns with him have been with how he communicates what bothers him. He either doesn’t say it and then i say something to trigger or he outright assumes something and gets defensive.
When he started making excuses about how similar we are and how I’m feisty and he needs chill, is when I started to feel like I needed to prove I wasnt feisty. I Argued back once or twice and then said – I’m not apologizing for who I am. You knew who I was when we started talking. I haven’t changed. If you don’t like it, we’re not compatible.
You would think I gave him the out, but he came back and said he did like it but it’s concerning to him Bc we’re so alike that it could cause problems(read: our sometimes explosive personalities could cause issues). He def likes to be in control and control the narrative. And I do too. I can be passive but my nature is dominant and so is his.
He talked about his exes constantly- to the point I said – can we focus more on getting to know each other? He never talked poorly about them though. In fact, just the opposite. He also said he was friends with most of his exes. I’m friends with some of my exes, so, no judging.
As for social media, we don’t follow each other. His personal account is private. I never asked to follow or have strange men following my private social media account.
That being said, we admitted to each other up front that we googled each other and found out info. Based on my detective work that I do with all potential matches, he is who he says he is. His sister is even a mutual connection of a friend I used to work with. He would tell his mom when he would be on the phone with me(old school boy with the landline lol). So, it seemed that people in his circle knew I existed. He doesn’t seem like the BS kind of dude where he makes up stuff to make ppl feel good. So I took what he said at face value.
The weird things with him are;
-the lack of wanting to show his face on video or meeting up. He told me he doesn’t like to be in pics but then had all these other pics of himself from a few months to a few years ago.
-His outburst behavior if he thought I was being a jerk or assuming the worst.-his inconsistency of being unsure what he wanted after realizing how “similar” we are. Which I think is an excuse.
The crazy thing is- he reminds me of myself in so many ways. He is now who I was like 3 years ago. I don’t think he’s a bad person even though it’s easy to say that when the only interactions we’ve had are text and over the phone.
My gut says he definitely has some trust issues and self image issues. He def has some narcissistic and manipulative traits as well ( I do too). I don’t think he has ill intent. So I think that’s why I’m still like maybe this time will be better.
Even if just as friends. But the thing is, he hasn’t even earned that part either. How can you be friends with someone you never met?? I would still say- you wanna be friends- you gotta FaceTime. No FaceTime. No friendship. No problem.
It’s hard for me to completely let go of him. Probably mainly Bc there is no one else. And trust me, I’ve focused on me in the past month. I’ve been struggling and with his last text and figured I’d reach out to get a completely unbiased opinion.
Everyone has seen red flags though. Can’t ignore that part.
